Alillie

indigo Hello everybody sorry I have not posted anything I have enjoyed reading other post and answering a few also with my thoughts on subject. Although I am in need of a few lil words of either confidence or wisdom. I finally told my A that he had to committ to a treatment or I do not want to be with him anymore I told him I understand it was something he had to believe in for it to work but I am at my last straw with him. I have detached a long time ago and some how I still feel I get sucked in the hole with him. Right wrong or indiffrent I finally said how I really felt about him. I have been afraid for along time to loose my family but the stress is to great it has taken a physical toll on my health. I am ready for peace and some type of normal life what ever that might be. The oldest daughter is at the point she is embarresed by her dad in front of friends and ask Mom why do you stay and deal with this I am afraid of her blaming me for leaving in this chaos of a life. Well that is my venting for the day so any who wants to lend a ear thanks.

12 Step Girl

Alillie,

Hello and welcome! You have many ears here who will hear you! You have done what we call "Making a boundary". By giving him that ultimatum, you have drawn a line in the sand of acceptable andunacceptable behavior. Which is the right thing to do for you.

That was the easy part.....the hard part lies ahead,,,inforcing the boundary. There is a saying:

Say what you mean
Mean what you say
But dont say it mean.

So, if you meant what you said, youve got to prepare yourself for him possibly not accepting the ultimatum. THis is keeping your expectations low. If he doesnt, you must be prepared to enforce the consequence.

I hope you are going to meeting, they will help alot. You will get face to face support, guidance and love.

Just like from the folks here, who know just what your going thru.

Keep coming back, we need you!

Love and Luck!!!

LivingWithHope

Ya know that's ironic, my dd bought a little poster today that said "Say What You Mean - Mean What You Say". Wise kiddo, uh?

((Alillie)) 12step is right - making the boundary is easy - holding to that boundary is the hard part. Do what you think is best for you and your dc!! Like I told my AH today (who is in a 1/2 way house for the time being)...you have the choice to use and I have the choice not to stay while you are using. It isn't easy, but I have to do what is best for dd and myself if he chooses to stay in the insanity. Since I stuck to my boundaries and didn't allow him back into the house he is truly seeking not only recovery but himself b/c he realizes what he has done.

I pray that you find direction and peace in going that direction!

Alillie

Thank you both for your words of advice that is what I need to keep in check. I hear and understand what you both are saying and I amm willing to do that it has come to the point I do not want to go back and forth anymore. Thanks again.

Angie

osier59

Angie,

Once I realized that the situation I had with my A was TOXIC to me, it became easier. I realized that I was in an unhealthy situation and had to make changes to take care of myself and my kids. Then the A had choices to make as well - to continue living his life in the way he had, or make changes and perhaps get his family back. It was easier and didn't feel like an ultimatum once I realized that I had value and that I had to take care ME cuz no one else was going to!

Hugs. Remember to take it one day at a time. You dont have to do it all in one day!

Barb

Alillie

Thanks Osier59, I did feel like I was kind of pushing him to make choice but reading your reply you are right. I have to take care of me cuz nobody else will no matter how much they lie to you about being there. Financially he does emotional he can not. Yes I am glad he still goes to our business everyday but I feel alone a lot of the time. And the response I am getting from the kids is a little uneasy to deal with. And I am a mom who will put her kids first.