shawty80

moment eariler today. i was just standing in the bathroom, straightening my hair and getting ready to go watch some roller derby, when it hit me: i gave xabf a roadmap to breaking my heart.

during our very first phone conversation, when we were planning a little "hey, haven't seen you since college!" meet-up, we discussed our (then) current relationships. we both were nearing the end of those relationships, and casually discussed some of the things that had gone awry. he told me she was crazy, and naive, and that she definitely was not someone he was interested in long-term. i told him how deeply mine had hurt me, by never doing anything for me, blaming me for being too uptight and judgmental, making me feel unwelcome and like a burden, and refusing to do things that were important to me.

without really meaning to, i handed all of my weaknesses and insecurities to my xabf on a silver platter. i didn't know at the time that we would become a couple, i just thought i was meeting an old high school and college friend to catch up. however, we started dating about a month later and, by that time, the rocky pathway was being laid. i remember him so clearly saying to me, "oh, i would never do that..." and "what? he wouldn't go to that with you? is he crazy? if i knew something was important to the girl i was dating, i would totally be there for her..." blah, blah, blah.

i would like to think that my xabf didn't intentially file this knowledge away for future use, but who knows? he certainly mastered the art of hurting me more deeply than anyone has ever done before. the pain i have allowed him to put me through (and the crap that i have put up with) is exponentially greater than i felt with the guy before him.

so...yeah...just had a moment that made me stop and think, i guess. on a side, but not-so-side note, the guy before my xabf couldn't do anything without tokin' it up first, so i've obviously got a pattern to break!

lillamy

You know... you're supposed to be able to share your vulnerable spots, your weaknesses, what's important to you, what you love, what you hate, and what makes you cry with your friends and the person you date.

You did nothing wrong sharing this with him. He was utterly out of line when he used it against you.

And it all sounds so terribly familiar to me.

sweetteewalls

It is wounding when the person you are most vulnerable with uses what you share for their manipulative purposes. So many times separated AH will do that to me and it rocks me to my core. He does it so much, finally I handed it back to him and used something he told me in confidence and somehow I became the devil, playing on his vulnerability. Yet, he can do it all the time. That is the unhealthy A mentality...always, always...about them. Don't be scared to be vulnerable again, just be more selective who you're vulnerable with. I am still learning...take care.

LifeRecovery

I experienced the same thing.

I did not see it as using my vulnerabilities to manipulate me. For me it allowed me to see how deep in the disease he was. The impulsiveness that comes with it when he was so wrapped up in his own needs that he could not see outside of that box to focus on anyone else.

The anger that was directed at me, but really was about him not being able to get a handle on his life.

I was angry for a long time, at myself about this. I think I thought that if I had "told" or "shared" with him in some "better" way he would not have done these things to me. That somehow I was wrong to throw them out into the mix of the relationship.....with some time I realized my desires were pretty normal in the realm of a relationship....and once again an individual in the throes of his disease was the one who could not handle intimacy.

shawty80

oh, ladies, you all three made me cry...but in a cleansing sort of way. thank you for your words. they have brought me a little bit of peace.

YES! this is our relationship!!!! gosh, it reminds me of so many instances where he let me down because what i needed or wanted held no interest to him.

Looking4ward

I'm not saying it's right or anything, but my ex would get all ****** up and say whatever he could to hurt me. In the beginning these were superficial, but as we got to know each other, the attacks got to be more pointed and cut deeper.

As a drug-addict and an alcoholic, I think he was just feeling so off base and "in pain" that he wanted to drag me down with him.

I wouldn't take your ex's attack as some epiphany of how and what you should share with a significant other, just addicts.

shawty80

i agree with this. i think it is important to be able to share insecurities and vulnerabilities with a significant other, and i truly believe that given time those "weaknesses" come to light anyway. it's all a matter of finding someone who won't turn them around on you and pour salt on the wounds. i don't need anyone feeding my insecurities, and that's exactly what my xabf did.

thanks for your post, looking4ward.