should i do it or let him?
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should i do it or let him?
I have posted before about my rah (who is not living with us) having this girl from hs stay with him for a week. He has taken the week off, taken her to do a ton of stuff... never done that for me.
so now that she is gone he wrote me an email that he wants to talk to me.
My question is this. Should i beat him to it and tell him what i think of him and what he did... or should i wait for him to talk to me about it?
thank you all!
so now that she is gone he wrote me an email that he wants to talk to me.
My question is this. Should i beat him to it and tell him what i think of him and what he did... or should i wait for him to talk to me about it?
thank you all!
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
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Originally Posted by debo5 
Should i beat him to it and tell him what i think of him and what he did... or should i wait for him to talk to me about it?
Just wondering what either of these would achieve, or what would you hope either to achieve? Him contacting you the second she's out of the picture is cheeky at best, and manipulative in reality. I would worry that either of the options above is playing into his hands.
Can you remind me, are you separated, or just living apart while he "sorts himself out"? I just wonder are you putting things (life, etc.) on hold, in the hope that he's going to turn out to be the person you want to be with.
Adventure
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we are separated. But last sunday (!!!) he spent the night here, made promises and all of that. I guess what my thought is by telling him is that he does not get to hurt me. We are going to have to see each other since we have a son together. He has been super serious about his recovery since march, so yes, i have (did have) hopes of us "making" it. I know in all reality it would be better not to....
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Join Date: May 2012
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Debo5, if he's never done that for you, what is there to talk about? How do you feel about yourself having been disrespected like that? Is that for you to put in his hands to fix or is that for you to fix?
I don't mean to be harsh. These are things I had to ask myself about my clod. He did not respect or cherish me past the moment we became a couple. Maybe not before. I continually accepted that and his lousy excuses for being such a jerk to me. Had I not, we wouldn't have lasted for four years. I've finally decided that I can do better and it's time for a change. That means moving forward without him. Talking would be just another "in" to keep the whole sick exchange going. Who wants that? Life is too precious to waste it away like that.
I don't mean to be harsh. These are things I had to ask myself about my clod. He did not respect or cherish me past the moment we became a couple. Maybe not before. I continually accepted that and his lousy excuses for being such a jerk to me. Had I not, we wouldn't have lasted for four years. I've finally decided that I can do better and it's time for a change. That means moving forward without him. Talking would be just another "in" to keep the whole sick exchange going. Who wants that? Life is too precious to waste it away like that.
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Originally Posted by debo5
I know in all reality it would be better not to....
In my experience, there is nothing to make someone sit up and take notice like moving on with our own lives. It's amazing how when they see us getting on with things and not focusing on them that they all of a sudden get super interested and super worried.
Adventure x
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear DeBo5, you are a smart girl. What would you tell your sister or daughter or best friend if they were in your same shoes?? Spend some time thinking about it. Go back an re-read some of your last posts while you are thinking about it.
Rely on the serenity prayer and the new alanon tools that you are learning to stay strong.
I remember your promise to teach your son what a proper loving and respectful relationship looks like.
Remember that for alcoholics and us (co-dependents) alike, talk is cheap! It is the actions that count.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ies/Dance7.gif
Girl, I know you can do it!
dandylion
Rely on the serenity prayer and the new alanon tools that you are learning to stay strong.
I remember your promise to teach your son what a proper loving and respectful relationship looks like.
Remember that for alcoholics and us (co-dependents) alike, talk is cheap! It is the actions that count.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ies/Dance7.gif
Girl, I know you can do it!
dandylion
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thank you to both of you. I am "this" close to writing him an email back telling him off.
For me the truth is just such a big issue. I want to know what is what. I am a planner.
alsi that i have this urge to let him know what an ass he is! how much he has hurt me.
For me the truth is just such a big issue. I want to know what is what. I am a planner.
alsi that i have this urge to let him know what an ass he is! how much he has hurt me.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
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What I find now is that if I want an honest answer to something, I don't bother asking my AH any more. I tend to go with my gut feelings - I can't remember the last time they let me down. I suspect that you know the truth deep down.
If you are a planner, then I would suggest that you start making plans of your own. Don't wait for someone/something that you have no control over. If he decides to sort himself out, and wants to work things out, your plans can always be adjusted to include him.
I also understand that you want to let him know what an ass he is - I totally get this. Do you think he will care? Do you think he'd have done what he has done if he cared?
Adventure x
If you are a planner, then I would suggest that you start making plans of your own. Don't wait for someone/something that you have no control over. If he decides to sort himself out, and wants to work things out, your plans can always be adjusted to include him.
I also understand that you want to let him know what an ass he is - I totally get this. Do you think he will care? Do you think he'd have done what he has done if he cared?
Adventure x
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thank you for reminding me of that dandylion!! Awesome! also thank you for making me not fall into the trap again! It is time that i learn better. I am going to keep busy and try not to think about it and enjoy this beautiful afternoon with my son who is freshly napped and in a great mood!! :-)
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Deb, go ahead and write the email, just don't send it. When I hit this point in my relationship with my AW i finally figured out it was time that I focused on me instead of her.
Both of us were very sick at that point and I had to take care of me. Even if I could have an impact on her I wasn't in any condition to do so, at least not in a good way.
Your friend,
Both of us were very sick at that point and I had to take care of me. Even if I could have an impact on her I wasn't in any condition to do so, at least not in a good way.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Aug 2011
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Dear DeBo. You already know "what is what" You already know the truth.
You are angry and hurt. Very understandable. If you absolutely MUST tell him how angry you are---then go ahead.
The thing is this---if you tell him---make sure that you don't "secretly" think that this will be the thing that will change him. It won't!!!. If he has even 2 beans for a brain, he already knows you are mad, hurt, and want to take his head off. He knows that he holds all the power because he believes (because you have shown him in the past) you will come running back as soon as he turns on the charm. His charm is his tool and he uses it when he needs it. It is his "get out of jail" ticket.
He wants to sell you his bill of goods, once again. Remember that you don't NEED what he is selling.
Always, the best revenge is to live well. If you live well---he looses the power to turn you upside down again.
Recite serenity prayer.
dandylion
You are angry and hurt. Very understandable. If you absolutely MUST tell him how angry you are---then go ahead.
The thing is this---if you tell him---make sure that you don't "secretly" think that this will be the thing that will change him. It won't!!!. If he has even 2 beans for a brain, he already knows you are mad, hurt, and want to take his head off. He knows that he holds all the power because he believes (because you have shown him in the past) you will come running back as soon as he turns on the charm. His charm is his tool and he uses it when he needs it. It is his "get out of jail" ticket.
He wants to sell you his bill of goods, once again. Remember that you don't NEED what he is selling.
Always, the best revenge is to live well. If you live well---he looses the power to turn you upside down again.
Recite serenity prayer.
dandylion
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(((((debo5)))))
Great advice above.
All I can add is this. Like MLK said go ahead and type the email but do not send
it. Then further down the line after several more emails from him and probably
a phone call or text msg you can txt or email:
"There is nothing to talk about. Your actions do NOT match your words."
and then continue on with your business of living your life and taking care of you
and your son.
J M E
Love and hugs,
Great advice above.
All I can add is this. Like MLK said go ahead and type the email but do not send
it. Then further down the line after several more emails from him and probably
a phone call or text msg you can txt or email:
"There is nothing to talk about. Your actions do NOT match your words."
and then continue on with your business of living your life and taking care of you
and your son.
J M E
Love and hugs,
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
I can understand your hurt. I am sorry for what you are currently going thru.
As Laurie said his actions do not match his words, so what is there really to talk about? Of course you could share how hurt and angry you are, but IMHO, you would just be stroking his already zealous ego.
Let him go take a flying leap at a rolling donut.
Time to go forward with your life, leave him to his own devices.
You are certainly worthy of someone's love and RESPECT, his actions are not even worth a response.
Hope you can do something nice for yourself this weekend.
Take care.
As Laurie said his actions do not match his words, so what is there really to talk about? Of course you could share how hurt and angry you are, but IMHO, you would just be stroking his already zealous ego.
Let him go take a flying leap at a rolling donut.
Time to go forward with your life, leave him to his own devices.
You are certainly worthy of someone's love and RESPECT, his actions are not even worth a response.
Hope you can do something nice for yourself this weekend.
Take care.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Please, debo5, do not speak to him in any way.
He wants to either gaslight you into believing "nothing happened" or if it did, it was your fault. This is the way it goes.
It is your life, not a head game he can play. Leave him to play with his own mind.
)
I know some time has passed, maybe time for your son to be in bed. Maybe go look at him and remember who is important here. It is you and that boy.
thank you for the reminder about a rolling donut marie!
:rotfxko
Beth
He wants to either gaslight you into believing "nothing happened" or if it did, it was your fault. This is the way it goes.
It is your life, not a head game he can play. Leave him to play with his own mind.
enjoy this beautiful afternoon with my son who is freshly napped and in a great mood!! :-
I know some time has passed, maybe time for your son to be in bed. Maybe go look at him and remember who is important here. It is you and that boy.
thank you for the reminder about a rolling donut marie!
:rotfxko
Beth
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it has been several hours since the emial and i am confident that i can make it.
Too bad none of you gave me a "green light" to write him ;-)
I have been thinking a bit about what it is that i want or why this is so hard and all that. The thing is that i don't get it anymore. Probably because his actions do not match his words. Maybe they never have.
I just tucket my sweek boy in. I look at him and make a new "pact" to be a good mom. You know what is great for me? I get to put him to bed, wake up with him, eat with him, play with him, kiss him when he falls, clip his nails.... ALL of it. I have the priviledge to do. I honestly don't know if he ever clipt his nails, he put him to bed maybe 5 times in 3 years.... He wants an on demand family and we are not going to be it! He can make the next girl unhappy.
Over the course of our separation i have spoken with his 1st ex-wife a lot. It is so interesting to hear her side of things. She was with him for a long time. She moved on so fast, dropped him like a hot potato and moved across the country.
I know he talks to this girl about me like he spoke to me about his 1st ex wife. That has always bothered me.
I can not thank all you wonderful people enough. I literally would not know what to do if it were not for you encouraging me and being honest with me. It is my guess, that i will be here quite a bit over the next few months and hopefully i can get to a point where i can laugh at my old posts!
Too bad none of you gave me a "green light" to write him ;-)
I have been thinking a bit about what it is that i want or why this is so hard and all that. The thing is that i don't get it anymore. Probably because his actions do not match his words. Maybe they never have.
I just tucket my sweek boy in. I look at him and make a new "pact" to be a good mom. You know what is great for me? I get to put him to bed, wake up with him, eat with him, play with him, kiss him when he falls, clip his nails.... ALL of it. I have the priviledge to do. I honestly don't know if he ever clipt his nails, he put him to bed maybe 5 times in 3 years.... He wants an on demand family and we are not going to be it! He can make the next girl unhappy.
Over the course of our separation i have spoken with his 1st ex-wife a lot. It is so interesting to hear her side of things. She was with him for a long time. She moved on so fast, dropped him like a hot potato and moved across the country.
I know he talks to this girl about me like he spoke to me about his 1st ex wife. That has always bothered me.
I can not thank all you wonderful people enough. I literally would not know what to do if it were not for you encouraging me and being honest with me. It is my guess, that i will be here quite a bit over the next few months and hopefully i can get to a point where i can laugh at my old posts!
To thine own self be true.
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Debo, one thing I've learned is that when I want to react to something someone says or does, usually it is best for me to just wait. It is perfectly OK to do NOTHING. Just observe.
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It is so hard for me to wait. I just want to react. NOW!!! But keeping myself busy has worked pretty good today. Reading here on sr is like medicine. It puts things in to the light. also in perspective. Some people on here literally went to hell and back.
the thing i know about him is that he will not contact me again if i don't answer his email. He might try a few times to see our son. He might go see a lawyer about that, but i am o.k. with that (i think) because i got sole custody and he has a felony conviction....
the thing i know about him is that he will not contact me again if i don't answer his email. He might try a few times to see our son. He might go see a lawyer about that, but i am o.k. with that (i think) because i got sole custody and he has a felony conviction....
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Don't be surprised if A steps up his game when you do not contact or acknowledge his texts/calls. It's just part of their controlling nature.
One of the best pieces of advice I received here.
"It's none of my business what others are saying about me."
It's so liberating to just not worry or care. Who cares what he tells the next cupcake? She too will learn he is an addict, and the one thing all addicts have in common, they are big fat liars!
You are very lucky to be able to raise your son on your terms.
Try to relax, more will be revealed.
You know that your first priority is to your son and yourself, with time you will be feeling much better. hang in there.
One of the best pieces of advice I received here.
"It's none of my business what others are saying about me."
It's so liberating to just not worry or care. Who cares what he tells the next cupcake? She too will learn he is an addict, and the one thing all addicts have in common, they are big fat liars!
You are very lucky to be able to raise your son on your terms.
Try to relax, more will be revealed.
You know that your first priority is to your son and yourself, with time you will be feeling much better. hang in there.
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