sparklingeyes

My AF disappeared for almost two days. He sent a text message and said he was moving boxes to earn some money. I knew it was just probably BS because that is the disease. When he returned home and walked into the room I felt this huge wave of anxiety come over me. It seemed so surreal. It wasn't my anxiety; it was his that I was feeling. I pick up on things from other people all the time. Sometimes it is a good thing. Sometimes it is a curse.
Do any of you experience this living with an alcoholic?

LifeRecovery

Just like we have a sense of sight and a sense of smell, I think we have a sense of kinesthetic (of sensing others in our body).

I have a poor sense of smell, but good hearing. I think that some experience the world kinesthetically more than others.

For me it was not about living with an alcoholic, in part because of me experiencing the world kinesthetically I take on what is not mine to take on...and thus ended up in a relationship with an alcoholic. It has been challenging separating this all out for me but my therapist is a huge help.

In the old days I would not have known the anxiety was his and would have thought it was mine and tried to fix it. That is how I was controlling, codependent, and did not know any other way.

I am curious what others have to say about it.

Thumper

I think some people can identify how other people are feeling and some people can't. I have four kids. Two will know how others feel, two just don't make that connection easily, at all.

I can generally tell how others are feeling. The trick for me is to figure out how I am feeling. I would identify how the other person in the room felt - and that is how I felt - and I would sometimes be in a bit of a panic because I wanted to fix that feeling but it wasn't mine - so how can I fix it? Try to fix them, their life, remove all responsibility for their own actions etc. etc. which fundamentally is impossible.

In the last couple of years I have been making a real effort to really parse that out and say to myself "OK - you are feeling anxious, but that is your feeling. I am feeling calm. That is my feeling." Then act on *my* feelings. Sometimes we were both anxious or angry or depressed but instead of trying to fix my own problems, I'd try to fix his, which made mine worse but I ignored all that. Not good.

It has been hard to both figure out what my feeling is and to not absorb the other persons feelings. It has been well worth the effort and it is still a process that I have to think through.

sparklingeyes

I had no intentions of fixing his feelings. Things have just become more pronounced. I can tell right away when someone is lying. I can even tell when someone is going to die tragically.

CodieBird

Ditto! AXBF was a master at tuning into that too.

sparklingeyes

He must have picked up on my feelings this morning. I was mowing the lawn after he finally showed up at 6:30 am after partying all night. It smelled like he took a bath in Cologne
I thought to myself, "You know what self? You don't have to always be supportive of his dreams. You can go after your dreams, too." I started making plans in my head when the next thing I saw was him flying out the front door telling me he was going to go do a side job. I walked in the house and he started following me. Then he asked for a hug before he left. hmmmm...

Thumper

Good! I guess I should have said I wanted to fix my feelings but to fix them, I'd have to fix his. Kind of screwy and I didn't really think that at the time, this was all just sort of happening. I actually think it through now but I wasn't then, just reacting.

i have no experience at all with that.

Alucard

Yes. I felt it off the drunk I was married to, about 2&1/2 weeks in. Anxiety, like I have never felt before, and a surreal sense of "impending doom" and stress, the sweat would literally bead on my forehead and my palms were continually clammy, hot and sweaty....as it turns out, the intuition was DEAD ON....everything that I seemed to have the anxiety from came to pass. The drunk had changed and morphed into this "Hyde" persona who I didnt know or particularly liked, and had not progressed but regressed into a drug/alcohol seeking junkie, and was psychologically damaged from 12 years of incarceration and physical/mental abuse, and was NOTHING like the person it told me it was. The strange sense of anxiety and impending doom affected me physically, and mentally. It is strange, how after I dumped it, the anxieties seemed to disappear, and though the sense of impending doom is still there when I think of it, physically, I feel much, much better now that it is out of my life.

sparklingeyes

That is very sad. He's not a mean person. I was just surprised by the intensity of the level of anxiety.

Alucard

Myself as well. I hope to never, ever feel that level of anxiety again in life. A relationship is supposed to be about excitement, and happiness.

sparklingeyes

Yes. I believe his anxiety level was so high because he didn't come home for two days and he was nervous about my reaction.

sparklingeyes

Furthermore, what's even stranger is that my ex boyfriend would sweat profusely and tremor nervously around me. I never saw it coming. He would tell me I was stupid and give me a difficult time about drinking. I certainly wasn't a blackout drunk or mean or nasty. That is when I noticed how dark under my eyes were. He wouldn't let me sleep. He wanted constant sex. It scared me so I went to see a therapist and she said he was an abuser and was using me. Unfortunately, I didn't get out soon enough. He wound up raping me. I look back now and realize he never loved me. I was a target. It's scary to think someone would actually choose you to abuse and exploit. I still have emotional scars.

m1k3

Sparklingeyes, what are you getting out of this relationship?

Your friend,

sparklingeyes

I was talking about my ex.

m1k3

Sorry,i didn't pick that up in your post. The way I read it it seemed that you were still dealing with this.

Your friend,

sparklingeyes

No problem. Carry on.

m1k3

To answer your original post I felt all sorts of anxiety while living with my AW. When she was drinking it was OMG what is she going todo now, when she wasn't it was how did I screw up or when is the next shoe going to fall.

There was never any relief.

Your friend,

sparklingeyes

They are very unpredictable.

JenT1968

I experienced significant sensitivitiy to exAH's feelings/moods, I developed this as a child when living in very stressful environments which I had no control over, and no chance to leave. I developed hypervigilance as a protective tool.

I am often hyper-aware of other people's negative emotions/feelings/reactions whether they are masking them or not (I subconciously pick up micro-emotions and body language)

This wasn't a good thing in my case at all as an adult, and whilst I can tell that some one is feeling negative emotions when others are oblivious, I'm completely useless at attributting the reason (nearly always assigning it to my behaviour) as I'm not psychic, just battle-worn.

XXXXXXXXXX

not a mean person???? You posted this on 7-14

Why did I think if I loved him enough he would stop drinking? I can't believe all I have endured. I should be dead right now. He wouldn't let me sleep, stole money, beat me and I have lost everything because of it. I am so mentally a.d physically beaten down. Why couldn't I have loved myself like I do him?


Your posts are very inconsistent. Are you in denial, or is it just hard to keep your story straight?