owathu

Hi All.

I've been perusing the forums for the last week and arming myself with information that kind of knocked me upside the head.

My husband is an alcoholic. I like drinking, maybe once or twice a week, otherwise. Meh. Not interested. He can't. If he knows there is booze in the house, he must finish it.

Problem is, I said to him, if I stop drinking completely is what it takes for you to stop drinking I will do it. ANNND, now that he knows that I am no longer the supplier, he's taken to the bar across the street. And now, he's found a female there that is now texting him at 6am in the morning and saying "Hi".

I had a discussion with him about this tonight when he came home from the bar and said, unacceptable. It stops now, and he said to me. She's a Jew. Backstory, I am immigrant German with Grandparents who were in the party. He knows that this is a shameful part of my families past. And he acts like this chick he met three days ago is somewhat morally superior to me because I am German and she is Jewish. He actually smirked at me, like I should just shut up about it.

Needless to say, I am not only insulted but completely hurt that ME the woman he married is below this chick he just met at a bar THREE days ago.

He went to bed a bit ago and is now snoring away, all safe in his sense of superiority and here I am, wondering WTF just happened.

I have been thinking all day. Who am I? Why am I allowing this? WTF happened to me that I am allowing a man to speak to me this way? It gets better right? Because this was my turning point. I will not be talked to like this nor will I live like this anymore.

debo5

welcome.
i have been reading here for a while but not until recently started participating. It is a great place with wonderful people....
My first reaction to your post was RUN! I have been in your shoes just 3 years ago. I was a newlywed with a newborn! It was absolute hell.
I have regrets that i can not even put into words. Especially because of my son. I put him through so much by staying with the A.
I have found that my family, friends, stuff that i read, things that i heard, conversations that i had where SCREAMING to leave him. But you are ready when you are ready.
It is an extremley difficult situation.
btw, i did not notice his A drinking until i was pregnant and did not drink at all. Before that i was like you, the occasional drink here or there.
One thing that i have just learned is that drinking is a progressive disease. It will get worse before it gets better. My rah got arrested and has a felony charge now!!!

wanttobehealthy

I'm so sorry you're experiencing all that you are. If he's an A then you drinking or not drinking isn't going to have any impact on him at all as you've now seen.

I felt anger surge through me when I read the total crap he's throwing your way about the girl he's flirting with being Jewish and somehow tying your german heritage to her so as to rationalize bs married man behavior. It's an irrational thing to throw at you & is just obnoxious and he knows that's an Achilles heel & uses it to hurt you.

If this is how he's behaving as a newlywed I worry about what it will be like post honeymoon period. You deserve someone who respects the marriage vows he made & who treats you well. For as long as he's actively drinking and has the alcoholic mindset he's not going to be the man you married (if in fact he was good to you at some point?)

LifeRecovery

I was in my marriage two weeks when I realized I had married an alcoholic (we had known/dated for just shy of two years prior to getting married).

Three weeks after the first significant drinking episode I asked myself "I wonder if this is going to be worth it?"

I am sure that not everyone has an unhappy ending like mine...but my loved one was a binge drinker. There were times of joy and not as good times when the drinking was worse.

Regardless of his drinking though I walked around on eggshells the whole time.

I finally started to get support around alcohol use when I found out about his affair.

For me, Al-Anon helped me (for families and friends of alcoholics), counseling, reading, and of course posting here. I also got help on the affair (of course) as that made me just as nuts at the alcohol use.

In my case it did not get better and we divorced. That is of course not the outcome for all. A relationship needs two willing to work their own individual recoveries and my ex was sadly not in that place when we were together.

Hugs to you.

choublak

It won't matter if this man stops drinking and finds recovery, he has some narcissistic issues that are COMPLETELY independent of alcoholism. Run away now.

choublak

The girl from the bar might not even be Jewish. He could just be saying that to get up under your skin.

Eight Ball

Hi owathu and welcome to SR,

Reading your post, I was more concerned and shocked about his 'Jew' comment than I was hearing about his drinking. Its definietely a sign that he is willing to put you down and has no respect for you or for your marriage. It just gave me shudders that he should even mention it and is a definite sign that he is capable of so much more, particulary if you mention his drinking.

A huge red flag!

Now he has got a reaction from you with regards to this 'Jew' comment, he has managed to make his drinking about you and not his drinking, if that makes sense. Alcoholics are good at blameshifting. For example if I ever brought up my husbands drinking he immidiately fired off comments about my lack of friends, not doing much around the house etc so that I would defend myself and the conversation ended up being about me and housework and not about his drinking.

Alcoholism and Abuse are two seperate issues and this man doesnt sound right on either front.

Please do try Al-anon, reading books on alcoholism, books on abusive controlling men (there are many titles mentioned on SR) and keep reading and posting here on SR. Get angry if it helps and demand better for yourself because you are an important person who deserves respect, particulary from a husband whos supposed to love and cherish you.

owathu

Thanks so much everyone for the responses.

I am actually part Jewish, I know it sounds fantasctical. But, my Great Grandmother had an affair with a Jewish Dentist, and out came my Grandmother. So, it is exceptionally insulting, as he knows this. He knows this about my family history and to hear him dismiss my history like this was doubly insulting.

I don't think that I can come back from this. He put me through a lot, but, I think he went too far with this scenario. I love this man and would die for him, but, I won't kill myself slowly for him.

He's actually mad at me, for him getting an underhanded text from some random woman? Seriously? I feel like I am on crack or something. And now I feel bad? What is this?

Eight Ball

Hi Owathu,

This is a classic symptom of being with an alcoholic and/or an abusive partner. The disease of alcoholism is known as the family desease because it affects everyone around it, not only the alcoholic. You probalby havent realised up until recently that your AH (alcoholic husband) has been saying and doing things to make you doubt yourself, doubt what you have been seeing and experiencing. Its like your mind has gone through trauma and a fog has settled. It can happen slowly too and creeps up on you, so you dont even notice.

When we start to come out of denial, get to Al-anon, therapy or find SR, the fog slowly starts to lift and life seems clearer somehow.

Keep reading and learning and over time more will be revealed. You will find yourself getting stronger and you will be able to make descisions that only have your best interest at heart, whats best for you and not your AH.

choublak

It's not you. It's him being crazy. Trying to figure out anything further is just an effort in futility.

owathu

What scares me most is that tomorrow, he won't remember the conversation and will get huffy with me because I actually do remember. So, it will be crazy Owathu again. She is just so unpredicatble. When in fact. I am probably the most predicable person I know. I feel like I am taking crazy pills.

He'll be all loving and all, I love you! and I won't feel that way, because he just defended someone he doesn't even know over me. It's crazy making. I'm sure she's wonderful for being a bar skank texting a married man and all....He is to blame here, he gave her his number. I was all, if she was your friend, how come I've never heard of her before you started going to this bar? And what friend texts at 6am? Who does that????


He knew I had a valid point and was all, I'm going to bed. All angry. Cheater. I'm nauseous.

Eight Ball

All part of the desease as I mentioned above. Its the crazy dance that we all get caught up in and dont see it for what it is until we start to get help for ourselves.

Keep getting help for yourself Owathu.

mmk11

I'm sorry you're going through this, hugs to you.

Keep posting here and keep reading.

owathu

Thank you so much. This has been coming for awhile on my end, I think I just needed confirmation that I wasn't deciding to leave the love of my life, but in fact leaving someone who might not actually like me period.

It's not easy. I love this man so much. When he is sober, he is quite frankly one of the most beautiful persons I ever met. I'm hanging our love on who he is 20% of the time and ignoring the 80% staring me in the face.

He will be devastated when I leave. This I know, and that is what is holding me back. I don't want to ruin him. But what's better, I prop him up artificially? Trust me, I have thought of that. He doesn't beat me, if I don't confront him, he is so loving and affectionate...we could go on like this for decades. And the here I am, giving my life so he doesn't feel the pain of realizing he is a drunk. I can't do that to him either.

It's really a conundrum when you love someone. There's the rub.

Hypatia

Oh, my! I'm currently living in Germany, married to a German, and surrounded by thousands of people (or more) who had grandparents in the Party. Should I start drinking? Sounds like I've got an even better excuse than your husband.

Not just alcoholics, but also many other folks will attack when they feel threatened. Usually a sign of insecurity, it is a great way to change topics and try to gain the upper hand. The more outragous and personal the attack, the better, since it will provoke a strong response which completely derails the original conversation. And you must admit, it works really well if a person isn't prepared for it. Instead of being upset about his drinking, you are now upset and tied up in knots about all sorts of other things, too.

I no longer pay much attention to anything my husband says when he's been drinking. It is pointless to talk to him about it when he's drunk, and just as pointless to talk about it later when he's more sober since he won't remember.

Keep reading and keep posting. There are lots of great people here who will be able to give you support, information, advice and feeback while you think about your next steps.

TakingCharge999

You deserve someone to be present his 100%

And not to have Death clinging on his shoulders, sorry for the image but to me this describes active addicts perfectly.


I had a XABF who was like that..... I finally learned his WONDERFUL persona was just who he had to be to compensate his abusive behavior. We call it Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome.

Not YOUR problem is it.. ? It would be a natural consequence for his abusive behavior.

You matter. And marriage is not jail. You are free to take the decisions that suit you at any given time, you don't "have to" be or think or do anything based on others, you own your life.

Anyone who is not supportive of an abused person leaving the abuser, is not a real friend IMHO.

Hugs!!

TakingCharge999

PS

You said

"He doesn't beat me"

...yet.

Emotional abuse escalates to physical abuse in no time.

Scars in our soul are more difficult to heal but not because of that they are less real.

dandylion

I agree with eightball that your feelings sound like someone who has suffered the behavior of an abusive person. To have you confused and off-balance serves their needs to control you perfectly.

About the 20% "good" and 80% "bad". I think most people think of this as a person seperated into 2 parts---a nugget of good in the center covered by a layer of bad. And, if, somehow you can strip away the bad you will then have only the good.

I absolutely do not agree with that image. My experience tells me that people are far more complex than that and both behaviors are a part of what that person is. The "bad" comes out under stress, intoxication, or whatever whenever it serves the needs of the individual. It is my opinion that the good does not have more weight than the bad. If a man is affectionate to his dog 6days a week, BUT, on sundays, lets the dog go hungry and kicks it in the ribs----is that man a good dog owner?

I do believe that when someone says that they love the abuser, they need to do some self examination to find out if it is a mature healthy love or something else.

I can tell that you are deeply hurt and disturbed by this incident---who wouldn't be!!?
You really must get some help for yourself .

You have made a good first step. Good for you. Alanon, and a therapist, as well as reading all you can on the internet about the cycle of abuse in relationships. There are lots of books that can help guide you through this journey.

Don't hesitate to post here as often as you need. There is a lot of help here from understanding and caring people.

dandylion

Ellvk

My word. Sorry to you.

Dude, the alcoholic dance of "lash out at YOU and make YOU feel crazy". So familiar.

Best wishes.
L.

Adventure

Hi Owathu

Welcome to SR. I'm so sorry you're going through this as a newlywed. I realised shortly into my marriage that I had a serious problem on my hands with my AH's drinking. It took me a while to figure out he was an actual alcoholic, but the issues with drinking were obvious almost straight away. How did I not realise before we got married? Well, when I suggested we live together a few months before our wedding date, he said in the nicest possible way wouldn't it be nice to have something to look forward to when we came back from honeymoon, so should we hold off until then. Of course I thought this was a lovely idea

I can absolutely understand this, 100%, because that is exactly what has kept me there for a long time. It was our fifth wedding anniversary last Friday, and nothing has changed as far as his alcoholism has gone. I know from his recent behaviour that he is starting to realise I'm going to leave, and he is pulling out all the emotional blackmail stops that he can think of. He will be utterly broken when I go, but IMO not because he loves me but because he is terrified to be on his own, will have to look after the house, pay the bills, and all the stuff that I've always done for him.

I am so scared for him, terrified in fact, and like you say I don't want to ruin him. But he has had no qualms about ruining me - my sanity, my confidence, my health, my dreams, my plans to have kids, and so much more if I think about it.

You are being so proactive so early on, which I really admire you for. I wish I had thought to do that in the early days. But I can't look back with regret, I am focussing now on getting my a$$ out of a situation that is never going to change and moving on with my life.

Hope some of this helps. We are here for you.

Adventure x