After a physical confrontation, he has taken a step toward getting help.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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After a physical confrontation, he has taken a step toward getting help.
Been a trying week. After not drinking for 6 days, after an ultimatum from me, my AH got drunk on Monday. I told him I was having divorce papers drawn up. We got in an argument and he got physical. He told me that Al Anon was brainwashing me into thinking he was the problem and I'm the victim (I've only been to one meeting). He threw a camping chair across the yard and in so doing, almost knocked over our daughter and her neighbor friend. They got knocked into as he was going to throw the chair, so I said that was it and that I was going to my Mom's with the kids. He got into his truck and drove there, drunk, and I told him we weren't getting anywhere with the conversation and it wasn't changing the outcome of that day so I would talk with him when he was sober.
The next day he called the alcoholism hotline and attempted to go to an AA meeting which didn't meet for some reason. He said he was going to try, and I told him it had to be his decision, and not just to appease me, so don't "blame" me for "making" him quit, as he was trying to do before. We discussed him also seeing a doctor and/or counselor. He is now open to trying the AA meetings, which he was vehemently opposed to before, so we will see if he is serious. It feels like a start, so I am just going to leave it at that and see where it takes us. I know it's a long road ahead, but at least he's taken that first step.
The next day he called the alcoholism hotline and attempted to go to an AA meeting which didn't meet for some reason. He said he was going to try, and I told him it had to be his decision, and not just to appease me, so don't "blame" me for "making" him quit, as he was trying to do before. We discussed him also seeing a doctor and/or counselor. He is now open to trying the AA meetings, which he was vehemently opposed to before, so we will see if he is serious. It feels like a start, so I am just going to leave it at that and see where it takes us. I know it's a long road ahead, but at least he's taken that first step.
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
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Have to agree with Anvil.
Look at it this way for a different perspective. If your best friend just told your this same story what would you tell her?
What if you daughter was visiting a friends house and this happened and she was almost hit by a chair thrown by a drunk, what would your reaction be?
I have found that it often helps to step back from a situation and look at if as if it happened to someone else. It takes a lot of the emotion out of it and I can look at it realistically.
Your friend,
Look at it this way for a different perspective. If your best friend just told your this same story what would you tell her?
What if you daughter was visiting a friends house and this happened and she was almost hit by a chair thrown by a drunk, what would your reaction be?
I have found that it often helps to step back from a situation and look at if as if it happened to someone else. It takes a lot of the emotion out of it and I can look at it realistically.
Your friend,
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Join Date: May 2012
Location: santa clara ca
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Did you inform the parents of the "neighbor friend" that their child had gotten knocked down due to your husband becoming physically violent? A responsible person needs to step in so your husband is held accountable for his criminal actions ...I hope you both get the help you need.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
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Hi OneFoot
Anytime, without exception, my AH said he'd go to a meeting was always a reaction to something he had done or said, or something I had done or said. It was ALWAYS out of fear that I was going to walk out the door and not come back - ALWAYS. And he almost never went, and when he did it meant nothing as he wasn't going for him, he was going for me.
I can't tell you how many times I've heard this crappology. Do you honestly believe he's gone from this thinking to wanting to deal with his alcoholism in 24 hours? You know him better than us of course, but in my 4 years of rubbish from my AH, every promise to go to AA was empty of any meaning.
Adventure x
Anytime, without exception, my AH said he'd go to a meeting was always a reaction to something he had done or said, or something I had done or said. It was ALWAYS out of fear that I was going to walk out the door and not come back - ALWAYS. And he almost never went, and when he did it meant nothing as he wasn't going for him, he was going for me.
Originally Posted by onefootoutdoor 
He told me that Al Anon was brainwashing me into thinking he was the problem and I'm the victim
Adventure x
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
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Hmm.... so having your daughter almost getting hit by a chair doesn't cross your boundary. So what will it take, having her actually get hit by something? Or perhaps that also isn't enough and it would take an emergency room visit?
Think about limits and boundaries, not only in terms of yourself but also your daughter's emotional and physical safety.
When I hear someone say "I'm sorry, I'll try to do better next time" after having thrown something in anger, I'm always left wondering if they are talking about learning a more appropriate response, or improving their aim.
Think about limits and boundaries, not only in terms of yourself but also your daughter's emotional and physical safety.
When I hear someone say "I'm sorry, I'll try to do better next time" after having thrown something in anger, I'm always left wondering if they are talking about learning a more appropriate response, or improving their aim.
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Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
It's 99 percent certain he's lying....
...alcoholics lie. All the time. They will say and do anything to protect their disease. I'm shocked you don't know that by now.
This is just the eye of the hurricane. Believe me. Believe all of us.
Cyranoak
This is just the eye of the hurricane. Believe me. Believe all of us.
Cyranoak
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Yikes!......
We can hope for the best, but hope is not going to remedy this situation anytime soon.
M1k3 shared this, "Hope clouds observation."
May you continue to take the needed steps to help you get to a better place. You are not alone.
Peace.
We can hope for the best, but hope is not going to remedy this situation anytime soon.
M1k3 shared this, "Hope clouds observation."
May you continue to take the needed steps to help you get to a better place. You are not alone.
Peace.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Posts: 283
Do you think he really wants to quit drinking, or just wants to appease you to the point where you will not go? Mine quacked. He told me he was going to go to AA. Wierd excuses why he couldn't, or he would leave the house and come back a few hours later smelling of beer, which I don't think was served at his AA meeting. He would also ask me to make appointments for a counselor, but then wouldn't go. Take his medicines for a few days-just to appease me. Bottom line is until he makes a commitment on his own to make a real and lasting change, it's all just BS. Don't fall for it.
Also be aware that if this behavior continues, it will affect your daughter in that she will not have good relationships with her friends. Parent's of others will not allow their kids to come over, or those kids won't want to. His behavior will alienate.
Also be aware that if this behavior continues, it will affect your daughter in that she will not have good relationships with her friends. Parent's of others will not allow their kids to come over, or those kids won't want to. His behavior will alienate.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
Hi there,
Very recently you mentioned that you thought he would never hurt you or the children. It seems that things are escalating quickly. I completely understand where you are, as I am living with an active A.... and I have a daughter. This kind of behavior has not happened in our house, but I'm guessing it could, as alcoholics are so unpredictable. My AH went to inpatient treatment for 60 days, and relapsed after 5 months... so you really never, ever know, and you cannot control or predict.
As for your fear of going back to work and kids in childcare, I know it's hard... I have always worked, and essentially been a single mom with a roommate (my AH) who cannot be counted on to care for her, so I don't leave them alone together at night ever. Quality daycare is better by far than living in chaos, in my opinion. Maybe you could look for work now, while you are still together and get your feet under you and some financial independence? Maybe is is more of a crisis than that? Only you know.
Ultimately, it is up to you whether to leave or stay. I have not left, and many people think I should, I'm sure, though no one has said so out loud. However, you can stay and be very clear with yourself about what you will and will not do. You can make the decision newly every day. You are not trapped.
Best wishes...
L.
Very recently you mentioned that you thought he would never hurt you or the children. It seems that things are escalating quickly. I completely understand where you are, as I am living with an active A.... and I have a daughter. This kind of behavior has not happened in our house, but I'm guessing it could, as alcoholics are so unpredictable. My AH went to inpatient treatment for 60 days, and relapsed after 5 months... so you really never, ever know, and you cannot control or predict.
As for your fear of going back to work and kids in childcare, I know it's hard... I have always worked, and essentially been a single mom with a roommate (my AH) who cannot be counted on to care for her, so I don't leave them alone together at night ever. Quality daycare is better by far than living in chaos, in my opinion. Maybe you could look for work now, while you are still together and get your feet under you and some financial independence? Maybe is is more of a crisis than that? Only you know.
Ultimately, it is up to you whether to leave or stay. I have not left, and many people think I should, I'm sure, though no one has said so out loud. However, you can stay and be very clear with yourself about what you will and will not do. You can make the decision newly every day. You are not trapped.
Best wishes...
L.
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Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: USA
Posts: 3,095
I hear hope in your post and who wouldn't hope that their increasingly angry A will this time actually follow through and get help? But as an outsider who posted many similar hope posts like yours I feel like I can predict how this will end:
-there likely WAS an AA meeting and he lied about its cancelation
- he WILL get angry and physical again and you or your kids will get hurt and I hope for your sake your story doesnt end like mine where I was arrested and not him
- he may attend AA a few times and after a period of time will stop and tell you he went only to appease you
I hope your story will be different than so many others but there is nothing I read that he said that sounds like action. He "tries" to a meeting that was mysteriously cancelled? BS from him I say. He's "considering" seeing his doctor and going to meetings? That's what A's love to do- think about and talk about action but not shutting up & actually DOING it.
I am sorry for you and your daughter to be in the positron you're in. It's not easy and theres no easy way to let go of hope. I'm not saying you should btw... I just hear a lot of my former self in your post and it reminds me of how much worse things got before I took action and I wish I'd acted sooner & hope you stay safe
-there likely WAS an AA meeting and he lied about its cancelation
- he WILL get angry and physical again and you or your kids will get hurt and I hope for your sake your story doesnt end like mine where I was arrested and not him
- he may attend AA a few times and after a period of time will stop and tell you he went only to appease you
I hope your story will be different than so many others but there is nothing I read that he said that sounds like action. He "tries" to a meeting that was mysteriously cancelled? BS from him I say. He's "considering" seeing his doctor and going to meetings? That's what A's love to do- think about and talk about action but not shutting up & actually DOING it.
I am sorry for you and your daughter to be in the positron you're in. It's not easy and theres no easy way to let go of hope. I'm not saying you should btw... I just hear a lot of my former self in your post and it reminds me of how much worse things got before I took action and I wish I'd acted sooner & hope you stay safe
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Wow..........you guys really called me out on this one...........but I appreciate every word because that's what I'm here for...advice from those who have been through it.
First off, I do have a shred of hope....a shred. I am firmly grounded in the reality of the situation. In fact, by nature I'm a pessimist and I've seen enough people ruled by alcohol and/or drugs to know the outcome of most. I said MOST. I do know that there are success stories so that's where I'm hanging my shred-of-hope hat on.
Secondly, I have thought of what I would think if my daughter was in that situation at someone else's house. I would be livid. I wouldn't blame the neighbor one bit if she didn't want her daughter to frequent our place again. I did tell my AH that if he exhibited that behavior again, there won't be any negotiation, just legal action. I will get off this not-so-merry-go-round. He has never been a violent person in the past, which just goes to show how low he has sunk into his descent into alcoholism, which I pointed out to him.
In the past, if this had been a boyfriend, I would have walked away a long time ago, however, I take my vows of marriage more serious, that's why I'm putting more effort into it. He knows I have one foot out the door though, that's why his actions have escalated. He's painted into the corner and he knows.
He did go to an AA meeting this evening though. It was what they called a beginner's meeting. He came home with some pamphlets and a coin. Said it was his "first coin". I didn't have a lot of time to talk to him about it though, because I was leaving for my Al-Anon meeting.
I know it's easy for him to say he's going to do this because he got his 'fix' but I'll have to see what happens in a few days when it gets rough for him again. Actually, that day will be tomorrow night because it's the weekend again and he doesn't have to work.
I'm still going over in my head what I need to do if I have to leave him. I have been looking for job opportunities, but there aren't many. I'll most likely end up back in a factory, just to get some money going, and continue to look for other opportunities. I have a degree now, so hopefully that will help me in the long run.
My paternal and maternal great-grandfathers were alcoholics, my paternal grandfather was an alcoholic, my father is but has it under control now, my husband's father was an alcoholic, my husband, the father of my children is an alcoholic.....I have to try to break the cycle and give my children a fighting chance.....
First off, I do have a shred of hope....a shred. I am firmly grounded in the reality of the situation. In fact, by nature I'm a pessimist and I've seen enough people ruled by alcohol and/or drugs to know the outcome of most. I said MOST. I do know that there are success stories so that's where I'm hanging my shred-of-hope hat on.
Secondly, I have thought of what I would think if my daughter was in that situation at someone else's house. I would be livid. I wouldn't blame the neighbor one bit if she didn't want her daughter to frequent our place again. I did tell my AH that if he exhibited that behavior again, there won't be any negotiation, just legal action. I will get off this not-so-merry-go-round. He has never been a violent person in the past, which just goes to show how low he has sunk into his descent into alcoholism, which I pointed out to him.
In the past, if this had been a boyfriend, I would have walked away a long time ago, however, I take my vows of marriage more serious, that's why I'm putting more effort into it. He knows I have one foot out the door though, that's why his actions have escalated. He's painted into the corner and he knows.
He did go to an AA meeting this evening though. It was what they called a beginner's meeting. He came home with some pamphlets and a coin. Said it was his "first coin". I didn't have a lot of time to talk to him about it though, because I was leaving for my Al-Anon meeting.
I know it's easy for him to say he's going to do this because he got his 'fix' but I'll have to see what happens in a few days when it gets rough for him again. Actually, that day will be tomorrow night because it's the weekend again and he doesn't have to work.
I'm still going over in my head what I need to do if I have to leave him. I have been looking for job opportunities, but there aren't many. I'll most likely end up back in a factory, just to get some money going, and continue to look for other opportunities. I have a degree now, so hopefully that will help me in the long run.
My paternal and maternal great-grandfathers were alcoholics, my paternal grandfather was an alcoholic, my father is but has it under control now, my husband's father was an alcoholic, my husband, the father of my children is an alcoholic.....I have to try to break the cycle and give my children a fighting chance.....
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