BF in Detox, anxiety help!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
BF in Detox, anxiety help!
Hi,
I am new to this forum; actually I have never posted in a forum before! I am having a lot of anxiety over my situation and am looking for advice. I have been together with my boyfriend for 8 years. When i met him he was an active drug addict and alcoholic. I was about 20 and he was about 28. I liked his personality and felt very attracted to him...we are both artists and had a lot of similar interests. But i was not into drinking, never really have been, and i was never into hard drugs. At that time i liked to smoke weed, but that was it. We were both interested in each other, and i told him that i really liked him and wanted to get to know him, the sober him. He seemed touched by this. It was a memorable moment. We lived hours apart at the time though, so i mostly talked to him on the phone. In a few months he was arrested in a "sting" operation. He went to jail for a year. I was saddened by this news and sent him an encouraging letter. Unintentionally, it arrived to the prison on...Feb 14th, Valentine’s Day (this has been our anniversary ever since for the past 8 years). We continued to correspond through letters and eventually he was transferred to a half way house. I went to visit him there and he was incredibly healthy, energetic and hopeful. It was a great time. When he was released he moved into my apartment and we began our life together....happily ever after, addiction concurred and free to pursue life with this man I was deeply in love with. Well things were that way until he relapsed on hard drugs four months into our relationship. It was traumatic to say the least. I had never been through this. We regained ourselves after some counseling and detox. Then he enrolled in school and got himself a bachelors degree in Behavioral Health, he wanted to help others. Things were going good for years with him only getting drunk once and it wasn't that bad. I had some anxiety throughout this whole time because he had lied to me a lot when covering up his relapse, even to the point of telling me he was attending an AA meeting when he was actually going to get high, this went on for months. So I was afraid to fully open up my heart again. I have trust issues to begin with. For the past two years his mindset has slowly become more and more negative and he has become a much "darker" person. He became disillusioned with his job in mental health recovery and disillusioned with the world in general, it seemed like nothing or no one could encourage or inspire him. Then he had a breakdown, he took a bunch of shots on Halloween when we had a few friends over. I walked into the kitchen to see him on the floor in a fetal positions crying, he was wasted. We spent the rest of the night afraid of him and trying to talk him down. I had NEVER seen him like this. It was really scary. He was frothing at the mouth and screaming at the top of his lungs that he is the devil and could kill us all without remorse, it was terrifying, we almost called the cops but then he fell asleep, I stayed up all night afraid that he would wake up and hurt us or himself. He was embarrassed and ashamed the next day, apologizing to all of us. The experience rocked my world and I considered leaving him but didn't. Since then he has been dinking on and off with fairly long periods of sobriety in between but now he has been on a binge since mid June (when he lost his job) and it ruined our whole summer. Now when he gets really drunk, he changes into a psycho, he is not violent but his words are hateful and scary when he is drunk and my body shakes with fear, i feel like i am losing my mind. He talks to imaginary things and cries and laughs intermittently. It's truly disturbing. Two days ago he confessed that he needs inpatient detox and he did all the work to check himself in and is there now. I feel such a sense of relief having him out of the house and knowing what to expect when i come home. But my trust is destroyed and I don’t know if I have the strength in me to commit to a lifetime of this. I am feeling really worn down and depressed after just under 10 years together. The anxiety is overwhelming. When he is home i worry each time he leaves the house that a psycho will return. He used to be so sweet and inspired! Over the years my love for him has somewhat deadened. I just am SO tired of the rollercoaster. I am enjoying this freedom from his problems so much, but i truly care for him and hope that he finds the healing he needs, I just don’t know if I can ever love him the same way again after all of this damage. He doesn’t really have family because his adopted family is really dysfunctional, so my family has sort of become his and my aunt is like a mother to both of us. She believes that he has a good heart and that we should not abandon him now whether or not i decide to stay with him in the long run. She says that because he is asking for help, it is much different than him denying that he has a problem. She has agreed that after he finished his stay in detox she would help us foot the bill for counseling. I wasn't comfortable with her paying for detox, I felt he needed to do it himself if he really wanted it, and he did which is encouraging. I just don’t know how to handle myself when he returns. I don’t know if I want to stay or go. Please Help..... If you have any advice or insight I would appreciate it so much.
I am new to this forum; actually I have never posted in a forum before! I am having a lot of anxiety over my situation and am looking for advice. I have been together with my boyfriend for 8 years. When i met him he was an active drug addict and alcoholic. I was about 20 and he was about 28. I liked his personality and felt very attracted to him...we are both artists and had a lot of similar interests. But i was not into drinking, never really have been, and i was never into hard drugs. At that time i liked to smoke weed, but that was it. We were both interested in each other, and i told him that i really liked him and wanted to get to know him, the sober him. He seemed touched by this. It was a memorable moment. We lived hours apart at the time though, so i mostly talked to him on the phone. In a few months he was arrested in a "sting" operation. He went to jail for a year. I was saddened by this news and sent him an encouraging letter. Unintentionally, it arrived to the prison on...Feb 14th, Valentine’s Day (this has been our anniversary ever since for the past 8 years). We continued to correspond through letters and eventually he was transferred to a half way house. I went to visit him there and he was incredibly healthy, energetic and hopeful. It was a great time. When he was released he moved into my apartment and we began our life together....happily ever after, addiction concurred and free to pursue life with this man I was deeply in love with. Well things were that way until he relapsed on hard drugs four months into our relationship. It was traumatic to say the least. I had never been through this. We regained ourselves after some counseling and detox. Then he enrolled in school and got himself a bachelors degree in Behavioral Health, he wanted to help others. Things were going good for years with him only getting drunk once and it wasn't that bad. I had some anxiety throughout this whole time because he had lied to me a lot when covering up his relapse, even to the point of telling me he was attending an AA meeting when he was actually going to get high, this went on for months. So I was afraid to fully open up my heart again. I have trust issues to begin with. For the past two years his mindset has slowly become more and more negative and he has become a much "darker" person. He became disillusioned with his job in mental health recovery and disillusioned with the world in general, it seemed like nothing or no one could encourage or inspire him. Then he had a breakdown, he took a bunch of shots on Halloween when we had a few friends over. I walked into the kitchen to see him on the floor in a fetal positions crying, he was wasted. We spent the rest of the night afraid of him and trying to talk him down. I had NEVER seen him like this. It was really scary. He was frothing at the mouth and screaming at the top of his lungs that he is the devil and could kill us all without remorse, it was terrifying, we almost called the cops but then he fell asleep, I stayed up all night afraid that he would wake up and hurt us or himself. He was embarrassed and ashamed the next day, apologizing to all of us. The experience rocked my world and I considered leaving him but didn't. Since then he has been dinking on and off with fairly long periods of sobriety in between but now he has been on a binge since mid June (when he lost his job) and it ruined our whole summer. Now when he gets really drunk, he changes into a psycho, he is not violent but his words are hateful and scary when he is drunk and my body shakes with fear, i feel like i am losing my mind. He talks to imaginary things and cries and laughs intermittently. It's truly disturbing. Two days ago he confessed that he needs inpatient detox and he did all the work to check himself in and is there now. I feel such a sense of relief having him out of the house and knowing what to expect when i come home. But my trust is destroyed and I don’t know if I have the strength in me to commit to a lifetime of this. I am feeling really worn down and depressed after just under 10 years together. The anxiety is overwhelming. When he is home i worry each time he leaves the house that a psycho will return. He used to be so sweet and inspired! Over the years my love for him has somewhat deadened. I just am SO tired of the rollercoaster. I am enjoying this freedom from his problems so much, but i truly care for him and hope that he finds the healing he needs, I just don’t know if I can ever love him the same way again after all of this damage. He doesn’t really have family because his adopted family is really dysfunctional, so my family has sort of become his and my aunt is like a mother to both of us. She believes that he has a good heart and that we should not abandon him now whether or not i decide to stay with him in the long run. She says that because he is asking for help, it is much different than him denying that he has a problem. She has agreed that after he finished his stay in detox she would help us foot the bill for counseling. I wasn't comfortable with her paying for detox, I felt he needed to do it himself if he really wanted it, and he did which is encouraging. I just don’t know how to handle myself when he returns. I don’t know if I want to stay or go. Please Help..... If you have any advice or insight I would appreciate it so much.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I have never had a good experience being involved with any of the alcoholics or addicts I have been in relationships with. I suggest you move on with your life. Have you looked into Al-Anon to help you cope?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
I too am sorry about this situation, i keep thinking " i wish this wasn't happening" it feels like a bad dream sometimes. We do not live with my aunt, she lives nearby and has just always been a strong positive influence in my life.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 149
Thanks for your reply Learn2Live. I have found a meeting but feel stuck, like I'm having a hard time bringing myself to go. When i get home from work i just want to sleep or watch TV and tune out. I will try to push myself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 225
(((shutterbug1))) I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. It is somewhat encouraging that he wanted and found help for himself. But recovery from addiction is a long, hard road and not always successful. This is just the beginning. I can't tell you whether you should stay or go. I can say that my partner was ¨normal¨ when we first met. Had I known he was/would become an alcoholic I never would have gotten involved in the first place. Years later I am now doing everything I can to dis-entangle my life from his. It's not easy. Re-read your post and ask yourself what your life with him might be like five years, or ten years from now. I agree with L2L that alanon meetings could be helpful for you. Please keep coming back and posting. There is so much wisdom and support here.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
