Years of heart break
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 1
Years of heart break
I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years. We have a 4 year old son together. He's soon to be 34 years old and has been drinking heavily since about the age of 17. I've left him 3 times now because of his drinking. The 3rd time was in April of this year.
He has always been in major denial about his drinking, and he wouldn't stop for anything. This last time I didn't tell him I was leaving. I moved out while he was at work. I thought maybe something drastic would get him to wake up.
I was a stay at home mom and attending college part time while living with him. I did not want to give up being at home with my little one until he went to kindergarten at the age of 5. Since I've been having a hard time finding employment, I'm still a stay at home mom but that's has to change fast. My mom and her girlfriend have been very supportive financially. They loaned me a car and helped me get an apartment. I am very grateful.
Most of the time lately I've been feeling like I should have thought this out a lot better or maybe stayed with him. I love him dearly. I never really wanted to be without him forever. I just wanted him to recognize what he was doing and seek help. When he was good he was great, but when he was bad he was horrible. He would drink a case of beer everyday and once in a while some liquor. He was spending close to $600 a month on booze; maybe even more. When I would get on him about the money, he decided to try brewing his own beer at home. Then our home started smelling like a slop bucket. He was verbally nasty and would rage quite often. He would wet the bed, get up in the middle of the night and lose his way to the bathroom, sometimes sleep on the toilet, on the bathroom floor, and wouldn't remember our son's name at times. I was very concerned about his health. I was very concerned about my little boy. He was drunk in front of our son every night. I'm not saying I don't have my own faults.
He has now supposedly been sober since about a week after we left. He started going to AA, but does not go often. He has not picked a sponser as of yet and has not seeked out any other treatment. I would not tell him where we lived for the first 2 months but was still meeting him at parks and other places so our son could see his dad. I didn't want him to know where we lived because I did not want our peace disrupted. Plus, I did not want to fall back in the same routine with him as I have done in the past. He ended up asking his brother in law, who is an attorney, to serve me papers at my son's preschool no less regarding joint physical and joint legal custody (he can be controlling). So, I had to hire my own attorney to try to stop that from happening. It's not that I don't want my son to see his father, but I need to know that he is capable of making sound decisions when he has him alone.
I ended up telling him where we lived and have invited him over quite a few times. We are scheduled to go to court for the 3rd time in late August. I love him and don't want to go to court. I want to be with him and raise our son together as a family. I want to believe he's been sober, but I don't know forsure. He seems fine one day and then distant the next. I don't feel like he is owning up to the things he has done to us. He is blaming me for why I left and how I left, but not considering how desperate I felt to leave like that. Last week things were fine and we were spending time together. Now this week he's been super distant and won"t even return my phone call.
I don't even know what my questions are for this forum.....I guess just in general.....How do you do it? How do you try? How do you move on? How do I help him? I know he loves me, and I know he loves our son. My heart is broken.
He has always been in major denial about his drinking, and he wouldn't stop for anything. This last time I didn't tell him I was leaving. I moved out while he was at work. I thought maybe something drastic would get him to wake up.
I was a stay at home mom and attending college part time while living with him. I did not want to give up being at home with my little one until he went to kindergarten at the age of 5. Since I've been having a hard time finding employment, I'm still a stay at home mom but that's has to change fast. My mom and her girlfriend have been very supportive financially. They loaned me a car and helped me get an apartment. I am very grateful.
Most of the time lately I've been feeling like I should have thought this out a lot better or maybe stayed with him. I love him dearly. I never really wanted to be without him forever. I just wanted him to recognize what he was doing and seek help. When he was good he was great, but when he was bad he was horrible. He would drink a case of beer everyday and once in a while some liquor. He was spending close to $600 a month on booze; maybe even more. When I would get on him about the money, he decided to try brewing his own beer at home. Then our home started smelling like a slop bucket. He was verbally nasty and would rage quite often. He would wet the bed, get up in the middle of the night and lose his way to the bathroom, sometimes sleep on the toilet, on the bathroom floor, and wouldn't remember our son's name at times. I was very concerned about his health. I was very concerned about my little boy. He was drunk in front of our son every night. I'm not saying I don't have my own faults.
He has now supposedly been sober since about a week after we left. He started going to AA, but does not go often. He has not picked a sponser as of yet and has not seeked out any other treatment. I would not tell him where we lived for the first 2 months but was still meeting him at parks and other places so our son could see his dad. I didn't want him to know where we lived because I did not want our peace disrupted. Plus, I did not want to fall back in the same routine with him as I have done in the past. He ended up asking his brother in law, who is an attorney, to serve me papers at my son's preschool no less regarding joint physical and joint legal custody (he can be controlling). So, I had to hire my own attorney to try to stop that from happening. It's not that I don't want my son to see his father, but I need to know that he is capable of making sound decisions when he has him alone.
I ended up telling him where we lived and have invited him over quite a few times. We are scheduled to go to court for the 3rd time in late August. I love him and don't want to go to court. I want to be with him and raise our son together as a family. I want to believe he's been sober, but I don't know forsure. He seems fine one day and then distant the next. I don't feel like he is owning up to the things he has done to us. He is blaming me for why I left and how I left, but not considering how desperate I felt to leave like that. Last week things were fine and we were spending time together. Now this week he's been super distant and won"t even return my phone call.
I don't even know what my questions are for this forum.....I guess just in general.....How do you do it? How do you try? How do you move on? How do I help him? I know he loves me, and I know he loves our son. My heart is broken.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
My mom and her girlfriend have been very supportive financially. They loaned me a car and helped me get an apartment. I am very grateful.
Most of the time lately I've been feeling like I should have thought this out a lot better or maybe stayed with him. I love him dearly. I never really wanted to be without him forever. I just wanted him to recognize what he was doing and seek help.
Most of the time lately I've been feeling like I should have thought this out a lot better or maybe stayed with him. I love him dearly. I never really wanted to be without him forever. I just wanted him to recognize what he was doing and seek help.
Get the best lawyer you can. This is not about love. This is about the possibility of having to give custody of your child over to a drunk because you think this is about love and cannot see this person clearly enough.
Please go to Al-Anon. How to find a meeting in the US/Canada/Puerto Rico
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
He would drink a case of beer everyday and once in a while some liquor. He was spending close to $600 a month on booze; maybe even more. When I would get on him about the money, he decided to try brewing his own beer at home. Then our home started smelling like a slop bucket. He was verbally nasty and would rage quite often. He would wet the bed, get up in the middle of the night and lose his way to the bathroom, sometimes sleep on the toilet, on the bathroom floor, and wouldn't remember our son's name at times. I was very concerned about his health. I was very concerned about my little boy. He was drunk in front of our son every night.
What a jerk for him to use his family to harass you, while you have to pay out of pocket to avoid his harassment. Seriously. My ex did this -- he had some lawyer buddy who would do legal work for him in exchange for storing his vintage vehicle. Eventually, I called him out on their quid pro quo relationship and threatened to call the bar if he kept contacting me without having the cajones to bring a lawsuit.
As for your ex, look at the passage I highlighted. Is this who you want to be with? A lot of us hold onto the dream that our loved ones will "go back" to the person we loved before the disease got them in its grip, but that's usually not the case. Some of us find out that while we didn't like him drunk, we don't really like him sober either. Usually the selfish and narcissistic traits that were so crappy to live with don't fade away without a lot of long, sustained work. And as it turns out, the disease changes us too, and many of us find that we don't really want to go back anyway.
Good luck on this journey. We're here if you need us.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
Anvilhead, I love and seek out your posts. You keep us focused and strong. You are the voice of reason, for me at least, and you have helped me more then you know when it comes to realizing the circumstances these AB's have put us in will most likely not change.
You sound like you are on the right track Melissa, keep moving forward.
You sound like you are on the right track Melissa, keep moving forward.
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