hillindy

Why is it I know intellectually that our marriage is over but I just can't say "done" I moved out in January, and my bottom line was counseling and he still hasn't gone. He is starting outpatient treatment but that is because he was arrested for a DUI. He doesn't call, he hasn't asked me out on a date, he doesn't see his child any more than the one night so why do I think for any reason he wants to work things out? He did tell me after he was arrested for his DUI that he wanted to work things out but it was lip service because nothing changed. I didn't hear anything about our marriage for 5 months and then he said that he wanted to work things out and I said I didn't know what I wanted. He was hurt but yet again he did nothing. Why do I think that he is going to change? It's been 16 years. I keep thinking wait until he has some treatment (never been before) and maybe things will change....The thing is he isn't going to treatment for himself, me or his child, he is going because he has a court date at the end of Aug and the attorney said it would look good if he was being proactive. I worry about him, because he doesn't have family or friends. I am afraid to say that I am done because I don't want to hurt him yet he has hurt me. At what point did his feelings become more important than mine? I wish I was angry with him, instead we get along just fine not living together. Sorry I know my post is all over the place.

Fathom

Hi hillindy, and welcome to SR!

It's true. You seem like you are spinning a bit. Take a deep breath. You've found a good place with good people who know exactly how you are feeling. Keep reading all around here and keep posting your thoughts. It will really help to not feel so alone and to gain a bit of perspective. Have you found the "stickies" at the the top of the page yet? Those are a collection of permanent posts that are kept there because they are so insightful and useful.

More people will be along soon to share their experience. We understand well this internal conflict.

Hugs,


Fathom

sweetteewalls

I am going through same type of deal. My AH and I are separated for 3 months now when he relapsed after 9 months... and even though he shows glimpses of the man I am in love with, it never lasts. The thing I am learning most is the term "viscious cycle". It will continue until you break the patterns of abuse. Focus on yourself, your recovery, your son...We have a 4 year old daughter and when I am weak...I think of her and what she would have to endure should he be an active alcoholic under the same roof. If you are like me, you know what you want...its just a matter of having the courage to do it. You will gain strength when you finally realize you deserve better. We both do.

marliese22

To be able to be happy. Not to worry about someone who is not interested in helping themselves. For our children no matter what their age to live in an atmosphere where there is no more turmoil. I too am separated since Nov. we have not spoken in 2 weeks since I told him he had to quit or we could not work things out, Today is his birthday and here I sit reading these posts and trying to keep my promise to myself. Like you mine has few friends and has alienated what is left of his family. I am going to keep reading. Thank you to all the wonderful people in this forum. We are stronger than we know.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed. We are here to support you. We understand.

Have you considered attending Alanon meetings for face-to-face support? Alanon meetings are a support group for friends and family of alcoholics (even if the alcoholic is no longer drinking). Alanon meetings are based on the same 12 steps as AA, but tailored to meet the needs of the friends and family.
I found the support valuable in helping me learn to trust myself, believe in myself, and love myself again.

I also got a lot of wisdom here at SR by reading the experiences of others. I am always finding pearls of wisdom in the sticky posts at the top of this forum page.

Have you done any reading on Codependency? I enjoy reading and since I could not afford counseling ~ I choose to read self-improvement books that have been recommended. One of my favorites is "Codependent No More" and I am currently re-reading that one. It is written by Melody Beattie and available at most libraries and used book stores.

Stick around, we care!

Learn2Live

I've found that with alcoholics and addicts their feelings have ALWAYS been more important than mine, no matter what they said or did in the beginning of the relationship.

Truth of the matter is, this person you are married to is more limited and undeveloped than you know. They are STUNTED. They are incapable of having mature, adult relationships. How old was he when he started drinking? My AXBF was about 13 and has been non-stop drinking and drugging since then. I may as well go to the mall and walk up to a 13-year old boy and ask HIM to marry me or try to be in a relationship with me. How on earth can a 13-year old boy possibly even begin to understand my needs in a relationship? Or how to live as an adult with another adult and maturely take care of and raise a child?

He can't.

And neither can your husband. He will pay lip service, for whatever reason. He may want with all his heart to make the relationship work and give you what he understands is what you want. But from his vantage point, IMO, he is just guessing at what is normal and good, just trying to make you happy with him, just playing a charade and hoping that his performance is convincing.

Now add all the issues that come up for a person unable to cope or handle even everyday life, plus alcoholism, recovery, and personal growth on top of all that, and what you have is a relationship sandwich made out of dog poo. I'm not eating it anymore.

rdlesstraveled

Truth of the matter is, this person you are married to is more limited and undeveloped than you know. They are STUNTED. They are incapable of having mature, adult relationships. How old was he when he started drinking? My AXBF was about 13 and has been non-stop drinking and drugging since then. I may as well go to the mall and walk up to a 13-year old boy and ask HIM to marry me or try to be in a relationship with me. How on earth can a 13-year old boy possibly even begin to understand my needs in a relationship? Or how to live as an adult with another adult and maturely take care of and raise a child?

wow, VERY good point!

Tuffgirl

Welcome to SR! My thought is if you don't yet know what you want, don't do anything. Just continue to allow things to be as they are and wait. It doesn't sound as if you need to make any major decisions right now, so it may be the perfect time to continue doing what you are doing and see what comes next.

What I do applaud you for is recognizing his words are not matching his actions. That's super important to watch right now. Keep it up!

In the meantime, take care of yourself and make sure you have some opportunities to enjoy life, regardless of what he is or isn't doing.