Sadconfused

So I have gotten really good at ignoring ABF when he is drunk and trying to start an arguement. I typically just pretend he isn't there and let his ranting blend into background noise which is hard, he really knows how to push my buttons after so long. I started doing this for a reason, you can't reason or argue with a drunk, it just makes everything that much worse and he becomes more and more hostile. I lost it Saturday night, I couldn't bite my tongue any longer after 3 months of me not feeding into his drama and I did exactly what he wanted. Of course things escalated and just arguing turned into to him pushing me and taking my feet from under me and then him bragging about how smooth he did it afterwards. He passed out about 5 mins later and woke up on the couch the next morning asking me what happen. I haven't really talked to him much since, he comes in from work and does his own thing while I do mine. He did apologize but seeing him makes me sick to my stomach, even when he is his normal sober self. He actually disgusts me. I have a huge bruise on my arm and I think I am at my end, I can't deal with him anymore, he is sucking the life out of me. I love him so much when he is sober but it's just not worth it anymore when I have to deal with the drunk more than the real him. Not sure what the point of my post is, I just really needed to get it off my chest. I don't have anyone irl that I could trust enough to spill to without judgement or fear. I'm tired of feeling so anxiety ridden, wondering when he is going to snap again. It reminds me of how I felt as a kid around my dad, im done living like this.

Thumper

Many hugs to you sadconfused.

It sounds like you have reached a point of clarity in your situation. That is such a blessing even if it doesn't feel like it now.

Once you have the clarity you can start doing the next right thing. You can start moving forward. IME, that both increased and alleviated the anxiety. The anxiety increased because it was a huge undertaking to get unstuck. It reduced because I no longer felt like I was falling apart at the seams. It was a small sliver of hope that I was still here, still strong, and I would be OK.

You are still here sadconfused. You have inner strength. You can save yourself, you can take care of you. You will be OK and we are here to support you.

chronsweet

Yea, I agree with Anvil.

My XA would push me around in the beginning of our relationship, grab at my arms, pinch me, twist my limbs, slap me across the face and he made it feel like it was me who deserved it. I have actually snapped and hit him when he was poking and prodding me and grabbing at me before. That is not who I am. Recently, last Thursday, XA grabbed me around the throat with his forearm from behind me and choked me for literally about 30 seconds. When he let go, I felt the air rushing in as I dialed 9/11, I was out of breath. Things progressively get worse with alcohol and with abuse. Next time he assaults you, call 9/11, and turn him in. It is not okay to abuse people, period. After he is in jail, get a restraining and move out order served, and that will be that. Problem solved.

Adventure

So sorry you're going through this and feeling so bad Sadconfused. The physical side of things is a really big worry, and that fear of not knowing when it could happen again is an awful thing to live with.

I wish we lived near each other, and I could come and get you and we could just escape somewhere together to a nice little apartment and begin to move on with our lives. I'm finding the leaving bit so difficult, and I don't know why.

Anyway, please mind yourself. No one should have to live in fear of physical attack.

Adventure

Learn2Live

SadConfused, I do not know exactly "where you are" in your life but I think I have been there myself. But I have changed since that time and looking back I see my young self putting up with physical abuse because I thought I had nowhere else to go. Now I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if ANY person harms me physically, I will IMMEDIATELY call the police. Sweetheart, I want you to do the same. You are the ONLY person responsible for you. This is your job, to take care of you. Not him.

Seren

Oh, sadconfused, I'm sorry for the abuse you have suffered at this man's hands. You do not deserve any of it!!

I'm afraid the drunk him is the real him. It's not possible to separate the two, and it sounds as though he is not ready to stop.

I hope you know you deserve a much more happy and peaceful life! Please take care of yourself.

Sadconfused

Thanks for the support everyone, it means a lot. I have to figure out my next steps, how to get him away from me as peacefully as possible. I need to learn to disconnect from him while he is still here, if not I may never leve him. It's so easy to get pulled back in when he is sweet and happy during the day. I have to keep reminding myself of the person he is when drinking nd what he has done. I can't forgive him this time or it is going to just keep happening. I have told him a thousand times he needs to stop drinking and he agrees but never tries. Then when he is drunk it is never the alcohols fault, just mine.

You are def right about not separating the sober/drunk, in the end they are both him and I shouldn't have to tolerate his non sense because he can't control his emotions, drinking, time, or anything else in his life. I love him so much but sometimes love just isn't enough. I need to learn to focus on myself and my daughter and let him destroy his life if that is what he chooses to do. I'm just at a loss on my next step and my head is swirling. Im sure I'm rambling, I can't seem to get all my thoughts in order or anything else. It's all so overwhelming.

Florence

It's never a bad time to whip out the "Cycle of Abuse" graphic.

Florence

Yargh. Click here: File:Cycle of Abuse.png - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

chronsweet

Sadnconfused,

I understand the feeling of wanting to leave peacefully, of doing things the right, respectable and adult way. All I can say of my experience in leaving my XA is this:

1. Anytime I would try to talk and let him know how unhappy I was and that I wanted to leave amicably, I was a selfish, home destroying wh*r#

2. He would enlist his mother's help to keep me stuck whereby she would state how much A loved me and how important it was to keep our family together (i.e. she knew her son is/was a screw up and wanted me to mother him so she didn't have to and she wanted easy access to our son)

3. He would further break me down, call me names, keep my self esteem so freaking low that I actually began to believe that I didn't deserve a better life

There was no 'easy' out with him. In the end, I had to call the police on him in order to move on with my life after being assaulted by the drunk Mr. Hyde one last time. He lost his home, his girlfriend, his child, and his job all in one day. And you know what he was doing three days later when I went to have him removed from the house by the sheriff. I am sure you could probably guess what that is, it starts with a D.

Empty beer bottles were around the house, empty pint in the fridge and he was sitting in the same dang chair drinking his beer when I walked through the door. I am sure he probably thought I was going to take him back ... again. But FOR MY SON and MYSELF, I have finally decided enough is enough. I don't miss anything about the pain and torture of living with him.

I can admittedly say that I feel sorry for him, still, through all of this. He had a good job, he had a good girlfriend (me) and a son that loves him. He chose alcohol over all things good in his life. I can't say it doesn't make me sad or second guess the course of action I took even though he choked me. But I remind myself that is the victim talking, the person who has been conditioned that the environment 'isn't that bad'. I refuse to be a victim anymore.

There will come a time, for you, when enough is enough. And if there isn't that time, you will be teaching your daughter that this is all acceptable behavior. She will seek out what you have shown her is normal in her adult life. Just remember that, children often imitate the same sex parent. Do you want to teach your daughter that accepting abuse is okay, being a doormat is okay, living with someone who is an alcoholic is okay? Those are the questions that must be faced and answered honestly.

Good luck to you hon.

Sadconfused

I'm just not sure anymore, I know if I caught him sober and talked him he would be understanding but that would quickly change once he got buzzed. I just need to learn to let go, not worry about him but it's hard after 11 yrs of taking care of him. I know if I continue I will be teaching her it's ok, that's what happen to me with my parents. It's normal to me, I don't want that for her at all.

I have been reading a lot here and it helps to hear everyones story and related to each and everyone of you in someway. I'm also learning a lot and it's helping clear my mind. I am going to continue and hopefully find the courage to just let go.

LaTeeDa

Have you discovered the stickies at the top of the forum yet? There is a whole section about abuse. Here is the link:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...out-abuse.html

Also, there is more over in the stickies in the F&F of Substance Abusers section.

L

marie1960

Just wanted to share this with you, I was very private about relationship with XA, I did not want to reach out to friends and family, I was really trying to put up a big front.... well guess what,? they already knew something was wrong, and while they were giving me space and respecting my privacy, I was dealing with this all alone.

All I had to do is open the lines of communication, and I will always be thankful for the love and support that they extended. I can only suggest you reach out to friends and family, you might be amazed at the support you will find.

Wishing you peace.