Jackie36

I finally let go yesterday. Back history, with boyfriend for 6 years, I am almost 4 years sober, he is an active alcoholic. Last Nov. he was diagnosed with stage 4 cirrohsis (sp) and Hep C. He want on a 4 month binge, went to rehab for 30 days in April, has been drinking since. He was supposed to start his Hep C treatment this month, after he had been sober for 3 months, which of course did not happen.

Now me, for the last 2 years before we knew he was as sick a he is, I have been telling him I was detaching from him, couldn't stand living this way, tired of being the man/mom of this relationship etc. Nothing changed.

Tired of the lies, tired of these feelings, anger, resentment, distrust (lies all the time) WORRY, frustration, disgust, ANXIETY. Not one positive thing in there! I have been on antidepressents and anxiety medication for the last year because of all this.

What I have become is not me. I am a happy, joyous, optimistic person. She is gone right now. I want me back, and I am finally doing something about it.

I feel really sad for him, I feel sad that he has not put one ounce of work into himself, us, work, anything. But, I can not stand by and watch him slowly kill himself anymore. The doc told him last Nov. that any one drink can put him in liver failure, and he will not know which one it will be, yet, he still drinks.

I have been miserable for the last 2 years. I even look back at my posts, and they date 2 years ago, and that just makes me shake my head. I think I have given it enough time to change, and it hasn't.

Being in recovery myself, I know this is a disease, totally. But I have become unhealthy myself. I ended it yesterday, and why do I feel so quilty?? And why do I feel like there is going to be a rollarcoaster ride YET ahead of me.

I feel scared and relieved. I will be 45 on Thurs., and I really thought at this point in my life I would be settled and happy. Is it weird to think that I am to old for having that now?

Please share, I could really use some encouragement

Jackie

painfully

Incoming encouragement!

You are doing the right thing. This disease is a killer and will suck you into it's destruction.
Congratulations on your sobriety. Keep doing the right things for you. You're clearly a very strong person.

Pelican

Thanks for an update on you Jackie!

Congrats on your continued sobriety! Have you tried attending Alanon meetings? Check with your sponsor. Alanon can help you acquire tools to help you rebuild your life.

No, 45 isn't too old to find happiness. I speak from experience. I turned 48 this month. I met a wonderful man when I was 46. Together we share an open, honest relationship and treat each other as equal partners in life. I am thankful to have someone to share life adventures with.

However, I did find happiness before I became involved in a relationship. I found happiness is learning to love, appreciate and enjoy who I am today.

Stick around. Keep reading, posting and working on you. You are worth the effort!

(((hugs))) and Happy 45th Birthday! 7

sweetteewalls

I look at you and wish I had your courage. AH and I are separated but inside I'm still hoping. I'm not done yet and I'm working my own recovery right now. I'm doing all the "right" things on the outside hoping my insides will catch up with me and not want him anymore. I know I don't want him "as is" but I keep hoping. I too, look at dates of old posts, and am so angry with myself but not enough to let go just yet. I'm being patient with myself and I'm not going back, but I'm not ready to file yet. To me, you inspire me of where I need to be. Age doesn't matter. Quality of life is so important. Praise yourself for being so strong. That is not a little accomplishment.

Alucard

You made a fantastic decision....I'd recommend therapy to deal with a lot of your issues this man has put you through the windmill.