Yes! Red flag heeded.
I Love Who I Am
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Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Yes! Red flag heeded.
I was entering into a contract with a 75 year old man to help him work his manuscript. He has given me several red flags, so I sent him a lengthy email, detailing very kindly what I think I can do, how much it will cost him and some of the requests I have for working together.
I was very specific, as he had shown me several red flags in the way he spoke to me and in his expectation.
He responded very sarcastically and mean, so I'm saying goodbye! Buh bye.
I 'm being SO kind to him too. Wishing him well, not retaliating. There's no reason to, I just don't work with people who treat me badly. No matter what.
Best part: I have many more jobs lined up.
I'm so happy right now, so grateful. For years I have been saying "how do I get in these messes??" and this last business relationship was a living nightmare. I'm lucky to have gotten away with my sanity.
But I choose it. I allowed it. Now I just say no. Nice like.
I was very specific, as he had shown me several red flags in the way he spoke to me and in his expectation.
He responded very sarcastically and mean, so I'm saying goodbye! Buh bye.
I 'm being SO kind to him too. Wishing him well, not retaliating. There's no reason to, I just don't work with people who treat me badly. No matter what.
Best part: I have many more jobs lined up.
I'm so happy right now, so grateful. For years I have been saying "how do I get in these messes??" and this last business relationship was a living nightmare. I'm lucky to have gotten away with my sanity.
But I choose it. I allowed it. Now I just say no. Nice like.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
So there are several nasty comments he made in his email. The more I ignore them and don't take the bait to argue, the clearer and more loving and accepting my email to him becomes.
He is looking for someone to do something other than what I can do. I feel bad because I honestly don't think he'll be able to publish it, other than self publishing, as it's written. It's got a great story, but his story telling is very confused, chaotic and unclear.
I was so careful in writing the email to him, was true to myself in my communication and didn't sugar coat the necessities, but was very clear. I was utterly myself, doing the best I could do because I wanted to be sure this is an honest exchange. I love that.
I think he's furious. He didn't like my edits, which is fine, but he's taking it personally and lashing out at me.
RED FLAG!!
I don't want to engage with someone who is defensive. Now, my addiction tried briefly to convince me that there is something wrong with me, but I already safeguarded that by being true to myself (see above) and being honest with both of us.
There ain't nothing wrong with me and there ain't nothing wrong with him. We just aren't a good fit together for business. I love that too!!
Here's a piece of his email:
I see use care in your reply as a veiled threat. Red Flag
So there's one of the little digs he threw at me that I thought oh so briefly about responding to, but now that I've just let it go and moved on, I feel a little sorry for him. But not enough to work with him. No thank you.
Here's my email I'm sending to him.
I am so grateful to be grateful for what I have, and to be able to say no thank you gracefully. Miracles do happen.
He is looking for someone to do something other than what I can do. I feel bad because I honestly don't think he'll be able to publish it, other than self publishing, as it's written. It's got a great story, but his story telling is very confused, chaotic and unclear.
I was so careful in writing the email to him, was true to myself in my communication and didn't sugar coat the necessities, but was very clear. I was utterly myself, doing the best I could do because I wanted to be sure this is an honest exchange. I love that.
I think he's furious. He didn't like my edits, which is fine, but he's taking it personally and lashing out at me.
RED FLAG!!
I don't want to engage with someone who is defensive. Now, my addiction tried briefly to convince me that there is something wrong with me, but I already safeguarded that by being true to myself (see above) and being honest with both of us.
There ain't nothing wrong with me and there ain't nothing wrong with him. We just aren't a good fit together for business. I love that too!!
Here's a piece of his email:
You didn't "get it" about Catherine of Russia, but crossed out that part of the paragraph without asking its purpose. That bothers me; it's censorship, not editing. Catherine will stay there, and if we're going forward you will never remove a paragraph without prior consultation.
I don't understand "I had already read and filed the other draft you sent." Are you prohibiting me from making any additions? Use care in your reply (my emphasis).
Transform, we may have to terminate our editing relationship. We will not do a re-write. Come over Friday some time between one and two p.m. and we'll determine if I wish to retain you. You may come over before 1 p.m., but if you're not here by 2 p.m. you're done; it's over. Leave the script on the anvil. It may be that you'll fit better with marketing and publicity
Here's my email I'm sending to him.
I am so grateful to be grateful for what I have, and to be able to say no thank you gracefully. Miracles do happen.
Hi XXXX
Sorry to call so late. (I called and there was no answer.) There has been massive miscommunication and I wanted to clear it up, but now that I've read your email again I think email communication will work just fine.
Let's do this. I'll do the work you've paid me for. You gave me $180 cash last Monday, July 16th. My understanding was that payment covered my time reading the book and the first three chapters edited, which I had executed on hard copy.
I'll edit your first three chapters for grammar and punctuation digitally and email it to you, leaving in your voice and all content.
So I'll email it to you by Friday, and mail you the manuscript. We don't need to meet.
To answer your questions:
No, I was not trying to prohibit you from making edits. I just wanted to be able to work a section of the manuscript knowing it was a final draft from you and there wouldn't be backtracking.
When I've worked with agents, they usually request a proposal consisting of a chapter summary, comparative analysis of other books like the one you've written and a summation. Each agent is different, but these are the commonalities I've seen in the industry.
All of that would have been separate from the manuscript treatment.
What I've done
I'm mostly finished editing the first four chapters digitally in a complete re-write, but will delete those now. I have some hand written notes on the manuscript. You can do whatever you like with those. If they're helpful, that's great.
I also commit to not showing anyone your manuscript, or stealing your story, or talking about it to others. I know you were worried I'd show it around but you really don't have to. After I email the first three chapters to you, I'll delete the email you sent me, as well as the file of your book.
Consider this email a confidentiality contract regarding your manuscript, "NAME HERE." Also, this email serves as verification of termination of our working relationship, after I have supplied you with the first three chapters edited.
I think you have a great story here and I sincerely wish you a quickly realized path to publishing it.
Best,
Transformyself
Sorry to call so late. (I called and there was no answer.) There has been massive miscommunication and I wanted to clear it up, but now that I've read your email again I think email communication will work just fine.
Let's do this. I'll do the work you've paid me for. You gave me $180 cash last Monday, July 16th. My understanding was that payment covered my time reading the book and the first three chapters edited, which I had executed on hard copy.
I'll edit your first three chapters for grammar and punctuation digitally and email it to you, leaving in your voice and all content.
So I'll email it to you by Friday, and mail you the manuscript. We don't need to meet.
To answer your questions:
No, I was not trying to prohibit you from making edits. I just wanted to be able to work a section of the manuscript knowing it was a final draft from you and there wouldn't be backtracking.
When I've worked with agents, they usually request a proposal consisting of a chapter summary, comparative analysis of other books like the one you've written and a summation. Each agent is different, but these are the commonalities I've seen in the industry.
All of that would have been separate from the manuscript treatment.
What I've done
I'm mostly finished editing the first four chapters digitally in a complete re-write, but will delete those now. I have some hand written notes on the manuscript. You can do whatever you like with those. If they're helpful, that's great.
I also commit to not showing anyone your manuscript, or stealing your story, or talking about it to others. I know you were worried I'd show it around but you really don't have to. After I email the first three chapters to you, I'll delete the email you sent me, as well as the file of your book.
Consider this email a confidentiality contract regarding your manuscript, "NAME HERE." Also, this email serves as verification of termination of our working relationship, after I have supplied you with the first three chapters edited.
I think you have a great story here and I sincerely wish you a quickly realized path to publishing it.
Best,
Transformyself
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Transformy, good for you for knowing your boundaries.
Today a peer at school treated some of us VERY disrespectfully. I took it to the school admins. Let them handle it, I won't educate anyone.
Also over the weekend a "friend" made a very hurting comment that took me off-guard - I am not sure if I will confront him. Maybe I just get some distance.
People show who they are. We have to believe them.
There is power in what we are doing. Kudos my friend!! keep moving forward.
Today a peer at school treated some of us VERY disrespectfully. I took it to the school admins. Let them handle it, I won't educate anyone.
Also over the weekend a "friend" made a very hurting comment that took me off-guard - I am not sure if I will confront him. Maybe I just get some distance.
People show who they are. We have to believe them.
There is power in what we are doing. Kudos my friend!! keep moving forward.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
People show who they are. We have to believe them.
There is power in what we are doing. Kudos my friend!! keep moving forward.
There is power in what we are doing. Kudos my friend!! keep moving forward.
Hugs to you TC!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Progress not perfection !!!!!!!!
I did some yoga and sent you good vibes. People were talking about Bikram, they finally opened a place in my city! I remember how good you felt with that, maybe I try it.
Nothing like spending time with spiritual people and with yourself, to replenish your soul and remember who you truly are
I did some yoga and sent you good vibes. People were talking about Bikram, they finally opened a place in my city! I remember how good you felt with that, maybe I try it.
Nothing like spending time with spiritual people and with yourself, to replenish your soul and remember who you truly are
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Ireland
Posts: 202
Transform,
That is so brilliant that you recognised the warning signals and have walked away in an extremely dignified manner! Seriously, your email is absolutely brilliant. I felt like punching the air reading it! (Yes, I love a bit of drama!).
I need to get better at this, at learning what to look out for, and at being brave enough to say no, and to do it in a non-defensive way.
I have been following you a lot, and I love seeing the progress you make every day. We can all learn so much from you!
Adventure
That is so brilliant that you recognised the warning signals and have walked away in an extremely dignified manner! Seriously, your email is absolutely brilliant. I felt like punching the air reading it! (Yes, I love a bit of drama!).
I need to get better at this, at learning what to look out for, and at being brave enough to say no, and to do it in a non-defensive way.
I have been following you a lot, and I love seeing the progress you make every day. We can all learn so much from you!
Adventure
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by transformyself 
You're so right. I'm just thrilled to finally be taking proactive steps towards enforcing boundaries, but not being a jerk. That was the only way I knew to have boundaries for a long time, to get defensive.
Because, now, you can cultivate boundaries without wreckage (on your side of the street). That is a paradigm shift.
Great job seeing flags and acting on them efficiently!
Sending support,
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 1,175
I am so proud of you!
Talk about rad flags! I had a different but similar experience this weekend:
I was out with friends and ran into a guy I have known as an acquaintance and seen around for years. He is exceptionally handsome, has a good creative job. He is a good father, all this loks great on paper.
We were always attracted to each other, yet both involved. Now we are both single.
He started into talking about that. We kind of hit it off at first. He was drinking, but not drunk.
His wife had cheated on him and left a year ago. I discussed a little of my situation.
He knew some of it already.
The night wore on and eventually he asked me to go to his house with him. He was kind of pushing, and clearly had sex in mind.
I very calmly and kindly said I was not emotionally prepared for that. That I needed to deal with myself for a while. I told him nicely we could hang another time when not drinking.
He pouted, then walked away, then came back, tried again. He kept pushing.
When i made myself clear again, he had a pouty tantrum. Not a big deal, but curt and sarcastic. Even a little mean.
I just smiled. And thanked him for the chat.
I have been reading so much about red flags with unhealthy people, and how I may have plugged into them in the past. I just thought, "Wow. if he is willing to act this way upon our first extended chat, then WTF will he be like if I succumbed and went with it?" Or worse: had gotten involved deeper?
I mean, really? I am embarrassed to say, I would have ignored this before. And that is an entirely different kind of WTF.
I spoke to a mutual friend of ours, a good friend of mine about him. She told me that since his wife left (and before his marriage) that he has always kind of been a ladies man, pretty used to getting what he wants.
I just am not interested. Who treats someone like that?
ANd why was I so willing to ignore signs like that in the past?
I normally would not have gone home with him, but WOULD probably have given him a second chance. I have no interest, now, though.
I just keep thinking, wow...yeah. People show us who they are, right? And he did. And yes...I should believe him.
just my little story of self pride.
Good for you Trans
Talk about rad flags! I had a different but similar experience this weekend:
I was out with friends and ran into a guy I have known as an acquaintance and seen around for years. He is exceptionally handsome, has a good creative job. He is a good father, all this loks great on paper.
We were always attracted to each other, yet both involved. Now we are both single.
He started into talking about that. We kind of hit it off at first. He was drinking, but not drunk.
His wife had cheated on him and left a year ago. I discussed a little of my situation.
He knew some of it already.
The night wore on and eventually he asked me to go to his house with him. He was kind of pushing, and clearly had sex in mind.
I very calmly and kindly said I was not emotionally prepared for that. That I needed to deal with myself for a while. I told him nicely we could hang another time when not drinking.
He pouted, then walked away, then came back, tried again. He kept pushing.
When i made myself clear again, he had a pouty tantrum. Not a big deal, but curt and sarcastic. Even a little mean.
I just smiled. And thanked him for the chat.
I have been reading so much about red flags with unhealthy people, and how I may have plugged into them in the past. I just thought, "Wow. if he is willing to act this way upon our first extended chat, then WTF will he be like if I succumbed and went with it?" Or worse: had gotten involved deeper?
I mean, really? I am embarrassed to say, I would have ignored this before. And that is an entirely different kind of WTF.
I spoke to a mutual friend of ours, a good friend of mine about him. She told me that since his wife left (and before his marriage) that he has always kind of been a ladies man, pretty used to getting what he wants.
I just am not interested. Who treats someone like that?
ANd why was I so willing to ignore signs like that in the past?
I normally would not have gone home with him, but WOULD probably have given him a second chance. I have no interest, now, though.
I just keep thinking, wow...yeah. People show us who they are, right? And he did. And yes...I should believe him.
just my little story of self pride.
Good for you Trans
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thanks Everyone!
Before I opened his email i took some time and thought seriously about what my intent is for this relationship, and once I realized my intent is that we both are happy and produce the book, when I opened his email and saw what he wrote I was able to seriously consider whether or not I felt happy.
I'm letting that instinct guide me. If what I'm doing feels great and productive and good, I'll do more.
But if what I'm doing feels fearful and angry. No thank you.
So instead of getting angry and fighting, which in the past has been a hook for me, probably as noted in the eye opening boundry-less relationship hooks post at the top, I was able to step away.
I fore see much more of this in my future. lol
Buffalo
This is fantastic! Doesn't it feel amazing?? For some reason, probably to be revealed in it's own good time, we can SEE now? Was blind, but now I see..
I've been practicing gratitude, calling the type of people, work and things to myself that I want to see. It's magical, powerful.
With finally seeing red flags and being able to heed them, the next step for me is also, obviously, the realization that I hadn't previously ever been able to act on protecting myself.
I think, but ain't sure, that in the past that realization so horrified me that I buried it quick like a bunny and turned it into denial. Then, I repeated the whole damn thing.
Forgiveness is the answer. I've been working to be very kind to myself, thank HP for reminding me of what used to be and setting my sights on the present and not replicating this mistake.
Not this time. 
And TC
Thank you for your prayers Mija- Yes yes! Go to Bikram. Just try it and let me know how you like it. Drink a glass of water every hour the whole day before, take your towel to lay on the mat and keep breathing!
Before I opened his email i took some time and thought seriously about what my intent is for this relationship, and once I realized my intent is that we both are happy and produce the book, when I opened his email and saw what he wrote I was able to seriously consider whether or not I felt happy.
I'm letting that instinct guide me. If what I'm doing feels great and productive and good, I'll do more.
But if what I'm doing feels fearful and angry. No thank you.
So instead of getting angry and fighting, which in the past has been a hook for me, probably as noted in the eye opening boundry-less relationship hooks post at the top, I was able to step away.
I fore see much more of this in my future. lol
Buffalo
I have been reading so much about red flags with unhealthy people, and how I may have plugged into them in the past. I just thought, "Wow. if he is willing to act this way upon our first extended chat, then WTF will he be like if I succumbed and went with it?" Or worse: had gotten involved deeper?
I've been practicing gratitude, calling the type of people, work and things to myself that I want to see. It's magical, powerful.
I mean, really? I am embarrassed to say, I would have ignored this before. And that is an entirely different kind of WTF.
I think, but ain't sure, that in the past that realization so horrified me that I buried it quick like a bunny and turned it into denial. Then, I repeated the whole damn thing.
Forgiveness is the answer. I've been working to be very kind to myself, thank HP for reminding me of what used to be and setting my sights on the present and not replicating this mistake.
I spoke to a mutual friend of ours, a good friend of mine about him. She told me that since his wife left (and before his marriage) that he has always kind of been a ladies man, pretty used to getting what he wants.
And TC
I did some yoga and sent you good vibes. People were talking about Bikram, they finally opened a place in my city! I remember how good you felt with that, maybe I try it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
I LOLed at "censorship."
Clearly this guy doesn't understand the role of an editor or copyeditor. Good luck to him on his future publishing goals, and good on you for terminating this contract.
Clearly this guy doesn't understand the role of an editor or copyeditor. Good luck to him on his future publishing goals, and good on you for terminating this contract.
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I know me too at first. Then I felt sorry for him.
The story is really good, but it's impossible to read. It took me about five hours to get through 300 pages.
I know guys like this; I live in a University town and have interviewed plenty in my day. I get them on the phone, or go to their office, and ask them questions so that the subject matter is easily understood, get them to speak in very plain terms about whatever it is I'm researching.
They ask to see the draft. I refuse. I say I will read them back their comments.
They freak out when they see it in print because I made them look "uneducated," when all I did was make the information accessible to most humans.
It's just ego. He put all sorts of references in his manuscript--Nietzsche for instance--in mid paragraph, out of context.
I'm so grateful today.
The story is really good, but it's impossible to read. It took me about five hours to get through 300 pages.
I know guys like this; I live in a University town and have interviewed plenty in my day. I get them on the phone, or go to their office, and ask them questions so that the subject matter is easily understood, get them to speak in very plain terms about whatever it is I'm researching.
They ask to see the draft. I refuse. I say I will read them back their comments.
They freak out when they see it in print because I made them look "uneducated," when all I did was make the information accessible to most humans.
It's just ego. He put all sorts of references in his manuscript--Nietzsche for instance--in mid paragraph, out of context.
I'm so grateful today.
Today is a New Day
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 1,766
It feels so good to listen to your feelings, doesn't it!?!
For the longest time I ignored mine, because I felt I didn't matter, so my feelings didn't either. Now that I am listening to them I've learned that my life is usually a lot more peaceful, because I pay attention to what I need.
That's not to say things always work out the way I want them to, but at least I'm a lot closer to my goal of "I want to reach a point in my life where if I want drama I'll go to the theater." Not there yet, but closer than I was two years ago!
For the longest time I ignored mine, because I felt I didn't matter, so my feelings didn't either. Now that I am listening to them I've learned that my life is usually a lot more peaceful, because I pay attention to what I need.
That's not to say things always work out the way I want them to, but at least I'm a lot closer to my goal of "I want to reach a point in my life where if I want drama I'll go to the theater." Not there yet, but closer than I was two years ago!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It's just ego. He put all sorts of references in his manuscript--Nietzsche for instance--in mid paragraph, out of context.
Transform, you middle name now should be "approaching enlightenment".
5 hours to read 300 pages. OMG! I would have been pulling my hair out!
Yes, you have made that shift. Ah, it is a beautiful thing.
Everyday seems to be a new discovery, and I want to thank you for sharing it with me (or all of us here). Add generosity to one of your new middle names.
Beth
I Love Who I Am
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Thank you Beth. It's only been three days but I am undergoing a dramatic transformation.
I hope to be able to write about it and post here. I received a healing over the weekend that literally lifted fear and removed a block from me.
I hope to be able to write about it and post here. I received a healing over the weekend that literally lifted fear and removed a block from me.
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