First Post - Feeling Guilty About Posting
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
First Post - Feeling Guilty About Posting
Good Morning. I've been perusing this site for a bit over a week now, and am astonished by the horrors that many people have gone/are going through. My heart goes out to all of you you have been putting up with the daily/weekly, and in some cases, yearly, battles.
That's why I titled my post as I did - my situation is not nearly so dire as many of yours are, but I was still drawn to this site, and it's because my Wife I believe is an alcoholic and I need guidance/support, and some listening ears.
I guess you could call her a 'high-functioning' alcoholic - she drinks only after our 2 year-old is put to bed, and she usually manages to get up fine the next morning, albeit reeking of booze when she goes in to get him out of bed.
Her Mother is an alcoholic - though no one really wants to talk about or admit that. In the last year, my Wife has had 3 episodes where she was totally out of it and doesn't remember anything the next morning. The last one was one of the worst - she was in-and-out of coherency, was 'talking' to people at the kitchen table who weren't there, and was having flashbacks about abuse she had years ago, and thinking I was her abuser. Of course, when I try to tell her what happened the night before, the response is always the same, "I didn't know it was happening, I didn't do it on purpose, it's not MY fault!" And, "why didn't you stop me?" Riiiight.
She has, in salient moments, told me she has PTSD (or something related) issues, and other demons she needs to expel. She knows she needs to get help, but is to proud to do it. And, she won't admit that her Mother is an alocoholic and that she is headed the same way.
In addition, whenever the vodka gets too much and the emotions take over, I get blamed for everything wrong in her life and was told, "Have you ever asked yourself WHY I need to drink so much? It's because of you!".
She is a wonderful, smart, caring person, hard worker, and a great Mother. "But", (and you saw the 'but' coming), she has told me soooo many times she would "stop", "slow down", "Take a break", etc., that it just doesn't happen, and I'm at my breaking point. Our child is one of the most wonderful kids I have ever seen (maybe I'm a little biased), and he's got a great attitude and everything - I don't want that ruined by someone who can't/won't control themselves. My Wife was quite damaged by her Mother's drinking and abandonment growing up - I will not let my child be subject to that. A home should be a safe place and refuge from all the cruelties of this big World.
Most times she passes out on the couch and I just go to bed, which is a bonus. But everytime she takes that first sip, I wonder how the night will unfold, and that part just eats away at me. And, she has threatened to take our child and leave the country - that's the part that scares me the most.
Again, my issues seem trivial compared to most of what I've read on this forum. And for that I feel guilty for posting.
Thanks for reading
That's why I titled my post as I did - my situation is not nearly so dire as many of yours are, but I was still drawn to this site, and it's because my Wife I believe is an alcoholic and I need guidance/support, and some listening ears.
I guess you could call her a 'high-functioning' alcoholic - she drinks only after our 2 year-old is put to bed, and she usually manages to get up fine the next morning, albeit reeking of booze when she goes in to get him out of bed.
Her Mother is an alcoholic - though no one really wants to talk about or admit that. In the last year, my Wife has had 3 episodes where she was totally out of it and doesn't remember anything the next morning. The last one was one of the worst - she was in-and-out of coherency, was 'talking' to people at the kitchen table who weren't there, and was having flashbacks about abuse she had years ago, and thinking I was her abuser. Of course, when I try to tell her what happened the night before, the response is always the same, "I didn't know it was happening, I didn't do it on purpose, it's not MY fault!" And, "why didn't you stop me?" Riiiight.
She has, in salient moments, told me she has PTSD (or something related) issues, and other demons she needs to expel. She knows she needs to get help, but is to proud to do it. And, she won't admit that her Mother is an alocoholic and that she is headed the same way.
In addition, whenever the vodka gets too much and the emotions take over, I get blamed for everything wrong in her life and was told, "Have you ever asked yourself WHY I need to drink so much? It's because of you!".
She is a wonderful, smart, caring person, hard worker, and a great Mother. "But", (and you saw the 'but' coming), she has told me soooo many times she would "stop", "slow down", "Take a break", etc., that it just doesn't happen, and I'm at my breaking point. Our child is one of the most wonderful kids I have ever seen (maybe I'm a little biased), and he's got a great attitude and everything - I don't want that ruined by someone who can't/won't control themselves. My Wife was quite damaged by her Mother's drinking and abandonment growing up - I will not let my child be subject to that. A home should be a safe place and refuge from all the cruelties of this big World.
Most times she passes out on the couch and I just go to bed, which is a bonus. But everytime she takes that first sip, I wonder how the night will unfold, and that part just eats away at me. And, she has threatened to take our child and leave the country - that's the part that scares me the most.
Again, my issues seem trivial compared to most of what I've read on this forum. And for that I feel guilty for posting.
Thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Hi and welcome. No reason to feel guilty about posting, honestly , it sounds soul wounding.
From what you have said, your wife is pretty messed up and very active in her addiction. Of course it's your fault, NOT.
You son sounds wonderful and I can totally understand you wanting to protect him, and quite frankly , it feels like his safety and care needs to be at the forefront of this situation movingi forward. I hope you take steps to insure that he does not lose you to this horrible addiction. When your wife tells you she will take him away from you, believe her, alcoholics are very revengful , sick, nasty people when their addiction is threatened.
Please get educated about alcoholism, maybe get some support for yourself, might be time to figure out what you need to do to prevent your wife from using your son as a pawn in this little dance she is doing.
We are here, we care about your family, more will be along to lend support and comfort. Please keep posting, Katie
From what you have said, your wife is pretty messed up and very active in her addiction. Of course it's your fault, NOT.
You son sounds wonderful and I can totally understand you wanting to protect him, and quite frankly , it feels like his safety and care needs to be at the forefront of this situation movingi forward. I hope you take steps to insure that he does not lose you to this horrible addiction. When your wife tells you she will take him away from you, believe her, alcoholics are very revengful , sick, nasty people when their addiction is threatened.
Please get educated about alcoholism, maybe get some support for yourself, might be time to figure out what you need to do to prevent your wife from using your son as a pawn in this little dance she is doing.
We are here, we care about your family, more will be along to lend support and comfort. Please keep posting, Katie
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I am glad you found us, but sorry about the reason that brought you here.
Please continue to read and post as much as needed.
Educating myself about alcohol helped me understand its effect on every cell of the body. It is one of the few chemicals that can pass the blood/brain barrier. I learned alot by reading "Under the Influence" and we have excerpts from the book here at SR. Here is a link to the excerpts:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Some evidence points to alcoholism being hereditary. Your wife may have the same genetic *defect* that causes her to metabolize alcohol in a reactive way that her mother may have, and unfortunately it may be passed onto your child. Learning all you can about alcoholism gives you the power to make healthy decisions now and in the future.
While living with active alcoholism, I followed the steps in the following link. Following these steps helped me to find my serenity:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Keep coming back, we care.
Thank you for taking the time to introduce yourself. I am glad you found us, but sorry about the reason that brought you here.
Please continue to read and post as much as needed.
Educating myself about alcohol helped me understand its effect on every cell of the body. It is one of the few chemicals that can pass the blood/brain barrier. I learned alot by reading "Under the Influence" and we have excerpts from the book here at SR. Here is a link to the excerpts:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...influence.html
Some evidence points to alcoholism being hereditary. Your wife may have the same genetic *defect* that causes her to metabolize alcohol in a reactive way that her mother may have, and unfortunately it may be passed onto your child. Learning all you can about alcoholism gives you the power to make healthy decisions now and in the future.
While living with active alcoholism, I followed the steps in the following link. Following these steps helped me to find my serenity:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html
Keep coming back, we care.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Pacific NW
Posts: 152
Hi CODad,
Our stories sound similar. My AW also drinks just at night and seems right as rain in the morning. Luckily my children all all grown. My wife also has blackouts and doesnt remember the night before and is all appologetic the next morning, saying that she needs to slow down. But, what happens is it contintues to progress to something worse. When I first came here my wife was the occasional person that was drinking 3-4 glasses a few times a week. Now, a few years later, she is drinking a bottle of wine or more every night. The saving grace is this site. I was introduced to the three "C's"
1) I didn't Cause this
2) I can't Control this
3) I can't Cure this
These three things changed my whole concept of what is going on. What you need to do is concentrate on taking care of yourself and your child. I have been married 28 years and am 50 years old. You dont want to be where I am at when you get to be this age. Instead of looking forward to my golden years with the love of my life, I am facing if I want to be with her anymore.
Take care and continue reading the posts. you will learn a great deal from some wonderful people here
grizz
Our stories sound similar. My AW also drinks just at night and seems right as rain in the morning. Luckily my children all all grown. My wife also has blackouts and doesnt remember the night before and is all appologetic the next morning, saying that she needs to slow down. But, what happens is it contintues to progress to something worse. When I first came here my wife was the occasional person that was drinking 3-4 glasses a few times a week. Now, a few years later, she is drinking a bottle of wine or more every night. The saving grace is this site. I was introduced to the three "C's"
1) I didn't Cause this
2) I can't Control this
3) I can't Cure this
These three things changed my whole concept of what is going on. What you need to do is concentrate on taking care of yourself and your child. I have been married 28 years and am 50 years old. You dont want to be where I am at when you get to be this age. Instead of looking forward to my golden years with the love of my life, I am facing if I want to be with her anymore.
Take care and continue reading the posts. you will learn a great deal from some wonderful people here
grizz
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
welcome to sr, centralohio! i'm so glad you found the courage to post here.
alcoholism is progressive. just because your situation doesn't perfectly match with what others have said about their relationships, doesn't mean that it won't get there with time. i pray that it doesn't, but like they say alcohol is "cunning, baffling, and powerful." it truly has its own agenda.
i just finished reading two books (both suggested to me by others here on sr) which you may find interesting. the first one is called "under the influence: a guide to the myths and realities of alcoholism" by milam and ketcham. it delves into the physiology of alcoholism, and brilliantly describes the various stages of the disease. it's a very simple read, although the statistics are no doubt out of date. the second book is "addictive thinking: understanding self-deception" by abraham twerski. this book provides insight into the mind of an alcoholic, detailing some of their modi operandi. they were eye-opening reads for me. i tried *very* hard not to read my xabf into them, but he just seemed to fit in like a puzzle piece!!!
no, no, no, no, NO! it's NOT because of you. my xabf drank a bottle of rum in two days the weekend we broke up because i was there and he was mad at me. once i had moved out, he drank another bottle in two days because i was gone. they will find ANY reason to drink and will blame ANYONE to try to take the focus off of themselves. it is NOT your fault.
personally, i think you took a great step in reaching out for help! nothing is trivial when a child is involved, and you recognize the need for stability for your sweet litte one. kudos to you!!!
i hope you keep reading and posting here. there is a wealth of support on this forum that i have found invaluable. do something nice for yourself and your little boy today.
big hugs!!!
my situation is not nearly so dire as many of yours are
i just finished reading two books (both suggested to me by others here on sr) which you may find interesting. the first one is called "under the influence: a guide to the myths and realities of alcoholism" by milam and ketcham. it delves into the physiology of alcoholism, and brilliantly describes the various stages of the disease. it's a very simple read, although the statistics are no doubt out of date. the second book is "addictive thinking: understanding self-deception" by abraham twerski. this book provides insight into the mind of an alcoholic, detailing some of their modi operandi. they were eye-opening reads for me. i tried *very* hard not to read my xabf into them, but he just seemed to fit in like a puzzle piece!!!
"Have you ever asked yourself WHY I need to drink so much? It's because of you!"
Again, my issues seem trivial compared to most of what I've read on this forum. And for that I feel guilty for posting.
i hope you keep reading and posting here. there is a wealth of support on this forum that i have found invaluable. do something nice for yourself and your little boy today.
big hugs!!!
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Welcome! I often feel 'guilty' posting because my situation, currently, isn't as dire as so many others here at SR. But ultimately, I learn SO much from being here.
It sounds as though your wife might have unresolved issues that existed long before you came into her life, which is very much like my AH. Also, becoming a parent was a big part of the trigger that I think ultimately flipped the alcoholic switch inside of him & started accelerating his addiction. Perhaps it is somewhat similar for your AW.
Stick around, keep reading, keep learning. This is such a wonderful supportive community!
It sounds as though your wife might have unresolved issues that existed long before you came into her life, which is very much like my AH. Also, becoming a parent was a big part of the trigger that I think ultimately flipped the alcoholic switch inside of him & started accelerating his addiction. Perhaps it is somewhat similar for your AW.
Stick around, keep reading, keep learning. This is such a wonderful supportive community!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Posts: 2,052
This is only the beginning...
your post is page one of my wife's drunkalogs, though they began when our daughter was four, not two. You want to see what page 500 looks like?
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...apses-her.html
The single best thing you can do to either avoid getting to this page or be best prepared to handle both the journey and the destination is start attending Alanon meetings immediately. Try at least six, some different, before deciding if it is for you.
I thought it was impossible that my wife would ever progress from where your wife is to where mine is today. I was in denial, I was codependent, and I thought I was smarter and more powerful than the disease of alcoholism. I thought love was all powerful and healing.
I WAS WRONG.
Please open your mind (if necessary) and try Alanon. For the sake of your baby if not yourself.
Or don't-- maybe your 13 years of hell and the wasted years of your life will be better than mine.
Cyranoak
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...apses-her.html
The single best thing you can do to either avoid getting to this page or be best prepared to handle both the journey and the destination is start attending Alanon meetings immediately. Try at least six, some different, before deciding if it is for you.
I thought it was impossible that my wife would ever progress from where your wife is to where mine is today. I was in denial, I was codependent, and I thought I was smarter and more powerful than the disease of alcoholism. I thought love was all powerful and healing.
I WAS WRONG.
Please open your mind (if necessary) and try Alanon. For the sake of your baby if not yourself.
Or don't-- maybe your 13 years of hell and the wasted years of your life will be better than mine.
Cyranoak
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Your situation is not less dire than others. Maybe she doesn't beat you, maybe she hasn't yet run into problems with the law, but don't discount the emotional impact all of this has on YOU. It's painful, very painful. Threatening to take your child away is a fine example of that. Watching her emotionally check out night after night is another, and I'm sure she couldn't care less about your feelings while drinking. It's a severe blow to one's psyche to be ignored, diminished, and threatened.
I don't think your wife can take your child out of the country as long as your child is a citizen, or unless you agree to such a move, so I think she's full of it otherwise, and is making threats that hold no power unless she thinks she is going to sneak him out of the country.
In the US the parent not going on the trip must sign a notarized letter stating their approval, and this is required at airports.
So welcome and don't feel guilty at all. You too are experiencing emotional hell.
I don't think your wife can take your child out of the country as long as your child is a citizen, or unless you agree to such a move, so I think she's full of it otherwise, and is making threats that hold no power unless she thinks she is going to sneak him out of the country.
In the US the parent not going on the trip must sign a notarized letter stating their approval, and this is required at airports.
So welcome and don't feel guilty at all. You too are experiencing emotional hell.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: right here, right now
Posts: 6,516
Hi there & welcome!
When I first started posting on this site six years ago, I felt the same way you did. I felt like I was betraying my husband for saying he was an alcoholic. I felt like I didn't really belong because he wasn't a mad drunk, he was a sad self-pitying drunk, and I just wanted to help him.
Four years later, I was on the run with the kids in the middle of the night after he threatened to kill us all.
Now, I'm not saying your wife will turn into a homicidal maniac. But the truth is that alcoholism, if allowed to run its course, ends one of three ways: With recovery, prison, or death.
Her behavior is classical alcoholic, regardless of how few drinks she has. I'm glad you're here, because this and Al-Anon saved my sanity for the past six years.
When I first started posting on this site six years ago, I felt the same way you did. I felt like I was betraying my husband for saying he was an alcoholic. I felt like I didn't really belong because he wasn't a mad drunk, he was a sad self-pitying drunk, and I just wanted to help him.
Four years later, I was on the run with the kids in the middle of the night after he threatened to kill us all.
Now, I'm not saying your wife will turn into a homicidal maniac. But the truth is that alcoholism, if allowed to run its course, ends one of three ways: With recovery, prison, or death.
Her behavior is classical alcoholic, regardless of how few drinks she has. I'm glad you're here, because this and Al-Anon saved my sanity for the past six years.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: California
Posts: 693
I can relate to your post. My husband of 16 years was a high functioning alcoholic who spent the evenings 'medicated' on the sofa. He got up in the morning and went off to his high paying job. He was very successful . He was a good provider and I was a full-time mom. We have four kids. No major drama, no police visits, drunken binges, affairs, outrageous spending --- in fact, I rarely ever saw him "drunk," just out of it, sitting on the sofa in front of a movie. Just distance and secrecy. He withdrew from family activities. Our home became slowly a very toxic place to be. I was miserable. I thought I was going crazy.
My husband grew up with an alcoholic dad, who drank himself to death. My husband's two brothers are also drunks. One had 4 felony DUIs and has spent a great deal of time in prison. It does not seem to deter my husband. This is a disease.
I gave my husband an ultimatum a year ago --- get help or we live apart --- and he chose to get a condo and live in denial. I had to separate, because it was like the life was slowly being sucked out of me, and I worried about our kids and how they were internalizing these screwy, toxic patterns. Sadly, he has chosen drinking over us, and we are now divorcing. To this day, he still says he doesn't have a problem, and that the problem is all in my imagination.
I learned that it doesn't take much for a 'functioning' alcoholic to get a lot worse, it's true when they say alcoholism is a progressive disease. Over the year we have been separated, his drinking increased a great deal. His business has suffered tremendously. Alcoholism doesn't get better without recovery and sobriety, it gets worse. Maybe quickly. Maybe slowly. But either way it will get worse. And it takes everyone down with it.
Educate yourself. Read books (Under the Influence by James Milam is the #1 book you should pick up, followed by Codependent No More by Melody Beattie), check out some AlAnon meetings, keep reading here on Sober Recovery.
Bottom line is you can't help your wife. You can only help yourself and your baby. Best of luck, and know you are not alone.
My husband grew up with an alcoholic dad, who drank himself to death. My husband's two brothers are also drunks. One had 4 felony DUIs and has spent a great deal of time in prison. It does not seem to deter my husband. This is a disease.
I gave my husband an ultimatum a year ago --- get help or we live apart --- and he chose to get a condo and live in denial. I had to separate, because it was like the life was slowly being sucked out of me, and I worried about our kids and how they were internalizing these screwy, toxic patterns. Sadly, he has chosen drinking over us, and we are now divorcing. To this day, he still says he doesn't have a problem, and that the problem is all in my imagination.
I learned that it doesn't take much for a 'functioning' alcoholic to get a lot worse, it's true when they say alcoholism is a progressive disease. Over the year we have been separated, his drinking increased a great deal. His business has suffered tremendously. Alcoholism doesn't get better without recovery and sobriety, it gets worse. Maybe quickly. Maybe slowly. But either way it will get worse. And it takes everyone down with it.
Educate yourself. Read books (Under the Influence by James Milam is the #1 book you should pick up, followed by Codependent No More by Melody Beattie), check out some AlAnon meetings, keep reading here on Sober Recovery.
Bottom line is you can't help your wife. You can only help yourself and your baby. Best of luck, and know you are not alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: SAN FRANCISCO
Posts: 1,176
Hi,
I sympathize with your plight, of course it is not your fault but I wonder if your wife has ever seen a psychologist, it sounds like she has some unresolved issues that might need to be worked out in therapy. I assume you've asked her to quit drinking and she doesn't seem to be able to do it? I don't blame you for wanting to protect your child from this madness.
I sympathize with your plight, of course it is not your fault but I wonder if your wife has ever seen a psychologist, it sounds like she has some unresolved issues that might need to be worked out in therapy. I assume you've asked her to quit drinking and she doesn't seem to be able to do it? I don't blame you for wanting to protect your child from this madness.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Bartonsville, Pa
Posts: 24
Nearly a month
When I came to this site I believed my AH was a functioning alcoholic. The more I read the more I believe there is no such thing. The hurt that alcohol has caused my family is undeniable. I pushed aside my family trying to hide what was going on did not want them to worry. Pushed away friends and became isolated. Even pushed my boys away. Thought I was letting them have father son time and did not want to see how being with their father was affecting them. It took my oldest son trying to commit suicide to wake me up. I started counseling and it took me almost a year to find the courage to ask my AH to leave. Started marriage counseling without him stopping the alcohol. More if I had done this or not done that he could stop. He is a master at laying on the guilt and I believed it. for 26 yrs. I have now told him he has to quit and his answer I have to quit on my terms. They will only quit when they are ready and we have to realize that it may be never. I am so proud that I have been able to do this for myself. I am worthy and so are all the people on this site. Please take care of yourself and your son before he gets old enough to realize what is going on.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Hey! I don't think an issue with alcoholism or addiction is ever trivial. I've dealt mostly with alcoholics which seem to be a different monster than addicts I've dealt with. One of the differences is a lot of alcoholics seem to want to pull people around them into their world (drinking buddies), addicts want the drugs to themselves many times because if you are addicted than their enabler is gone.
I have seen highly functional alcoholics but than again I have seen highly functional addicts and the song remains the same. My advice to you is to watch out for your son because children are intuitive. I grew up with an alcoholic and it was a traumatic childhood and most children will eventually emulate what they see and experience. I was lucky I did not but I did grow up to marry an alcoholic and it cost me dearly.
I have seen highly functional alcoholics but than again I have seen highly functional addicts and the song remains the same. My advice to you is to watch out for your son because children are intuitive. I grew up with an alcoholic and it was a traumatic childhood and most children will eventually emulate what they see and experience. I was lucky I did not but I did grow up to marry an alcoholic and it cost me dearly.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
There's no such thing as a "high-functioning alcoholic" or a "functioning alcoholic." When you refer to an alcoholic as such, what you are doing is choosing to ignore the bad and focus on how she "is still OK." It's just another form of denial.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Thank you
Thank you to all who posted and gave me advice/support/guidance. I guess my situation isn't so 'trivial' afterall. But reading everything that y'all wrote is very uplifting and encouraging, and I really appreciate it.
Between holding a job, taking care of a house and yard, and taking care of a 2 yr-old, my free time to read the books that were suggested is minimal, but I'll see what I can do.
Again, thank you for your support and kind words.
Between holding a job, taking care of a house and yard, and taking care of a 2 yr-old, my free time to read the books that were suggested is minimal, but I'll see what I can do.
Again, thank you for your support and kind words.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Kansas
Posts: 23
Ohio dad,
I can relate word for word what you said. I don't want to push you in any direction, but as one dad speaking to another I highly recommend you start documenting these occurrences. It hopefully will never come to it, but if it ever comes down to fighting over who gets your child you'll be glad you have the documentation.
I can relate word for word what you said. I don't want to push you in any direction, but as one dad speaking to another I highly recommend you start documenting these occurrences. It hopefully will never come to it, but if it ever comes down to fighting over who gets your child you'll be glad you have the documentation.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Already there!
Originally Posted by LittleApple 
Ohio dad,
I can relate word for word what you said. I don't want to push you in any direction, but as one dad speaking to another I highly recommend you start documenting these occurrences. It hopefully will never come to it, but if it ever comes down to fighting over who gets your child you'll be glad you have the documentation.
I can relate word for word what you said. I don't want to push you in any direction, but as one dad speaking to another I highly recommend you start documenting these occurrences. It hopefully will never come to it, but if it ever comes down to fighting over who gets your child you'll be glad you have the documentation.
Like I said before - my child is my first priority, and I promised him I would protest him from all harm that I can physically protect him from, up to and including giving my life for him.
Even though I'm still 'new' in this whole mess (though she's been a heavy social drinker for some time), I've been thinking about how I could get out of the relationship, and how it would affect my child and our life. She (Wife) would not go away easily - in fact it would be a war of historic proportions.
But I"ve learned in business that it is important to always CYA - and I've been attempting to do that.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Location: Midwest, USA
Posts: 2,899
She (Wife) would not go away easily - in fact it would be a war of historic proportions.
It sounds jerky, but hey.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
She saw a Doc
So, she finally went to the family doc the other day and they talked and she did agree with him that she will got talk to someone about her past and what effect that is having on the present.
I really, truly believe she knows she needs help, and if she can get past the "I can handle everything and anything on my own" mentality she's had for years, she might make progress.
And, thanks to you guys, I know that I need to be supportive, but not pushy, and let her do it on her own time. I looked up therapists/psychologists in our area who specialize in her issues, and was going to give her the list, but decided that it's something she needs to handle on her own.
I really, truly believe she knows she needs help, and if she can get past the "I can handle everything and anything on my own" mentality she's had for years, she might make progress.
And, thanks to you guys, I know that I need to be supportive, but not pushy, and let her do it on her own time. I looked up therapists/psychologists in our area who specialize in her issues, and was going to give her the list, but decided that it's something she needs to handle on her own.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by lillamy
Hi there & welcome!
When I first started posting on this site six years ago, I felt the same way you did. I felt like I was betraying my husband for saying he was an alcoholic. I felt like I didn't really belong because he wasn't a mad drunk, he was a sad self-pitying drunk, and I just wanted to help him.
Four years later, I was on the run with the kids in the middle of the night after he threatened to kill us all.
Now, I'm not saying your wife will turn into a homicidal maniac. But the truth is that alcoholism, if allowed to run its course, ends one of three ways: With recovery, prison, or death.
Her behavior is classical alcoholic, regardless of how few drinks she has. I'm glad you're here, because this and Al-Anon saved my sanity for the past six years.
When I first started posting on this site six years ago, I felt the same way you did. I felt like I was betraying my husband for saying he was an alcoholic. I felt like I didn't really belong because he wasn't a mad drunk, he was a sad self-pitying drunk, and I just wanted to help him.
Four years later, I was on the run with the kids in the middle of the night after he threatened to kill us all.
Now, I'm not saying your wife will turn into a homicidal maniac. But the truth is that alcoholism, if allowed to run its course, ends one of three ways: With recovery, prison, or death.
Her behavior is classical alcoholic, regardless of how few drinks she has. I'm glad you're here, because this and Al-Anon saved my sanity for the past six years.
If you choose to stay with her, out of some undying love/devotion, get ready for a lifetime of constant stress and anxiety, worry, and not being able to lead a normal married life. The alcoholism will run it's course, that being a mental institution, prison, or the morgue.
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