First Post - Feeling Guilty About Posting
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Hi there CentralOhioDad
Sounds like we are in very similar situations in many ways. My AH also isn't violent, there's no trouble with police, no affairs, and no abuse. For many years he seemed to be functioning just fine. Finally last Fall we had a bit of a stressful time in both our lives. I upped my chocolate intake, and he upped his alcohol intake.
So now I have about 10 pounds I need to lose, while my husband has ended up a no-longer-fully-functioning alcoholic with his job in jeopardy and our financial future being threatened.
At the moment he is trying to cut down. That means that instead of buying regular sized vodka bottles, he's buying smaller flasks.
He has just this week filled out the forms for inpatient rehab, and has an appointment tomorrow with a counsellor to get the final forms he needs for our health insurance. I am cautiously optimistic that if he actually hands in the forms, and if the health insurer accepts them, and if the waiting time for a spot won't be too long, and if my husband actually goes, and if he stays there for a full course of treatment, and if he applies what he learns once he's out and back in the real world, then we've got a chance.
Wow... that's a lot of "ifs".
Good luck, and stop feeling guilty about posting here. It often felt like my biggest problem over the last few months was dusting. Yep, for three weeks of vacation time, my husband just sat in his easy chair and drank until he passed out. I could have been married to a porcelain figurine, you know the kind that sits on a shelf and just gathers dust? And I hate housework.
Yep, I've been battling those same tendencies. I actually have looked up all the therapists and psychologists and even rehab centers in our area. I felt a strong need to do it, so I went ahead. BUT... I haven't given any of my research to my husband. If he wants the info then he can get it himself.
Sounds like we are in very similar situations in many ways. My AH also isn't violent, there's no trouble with police, no affairs, and no abuse. For many years he seemed to be functioning just fine. Finally last Fall we had a bit of a stressful time in both our lives. I upped my chocolate intake, and he upped his alcohol intake.
So now I have about 10 pounds I need to lose, while my husband has ended up a no-longer-fully-functioning alcoholic with his job in jeopardy and our financial future being threatened.
At the moment he is trying to cut down. That means that instead of buying regular sized vodka bottles, he's buying smaller flasks.
He has just this week filled out the forms for inpatient rehab, and has an appointment tomorrow with a counsellor to get the final forms he needs for our health insurance. I am cautiously optimistic that if he actually hands in the forms, and if the health insurer accepts them, and if the waiting time for a spot won't be too long, and if my husband actually goes, and if he stays there for a full course of treatment, and if he applies what he learns once he's out and back in the real world, then we've got a chance.
Wow... that's a lot of "ifs".
Good luck, and stop feeling guilty about posting here. It often felt like my biggest problem over the last few months was dusting. Yep, for three weeks of vacation time, my husband just sat in his easy chair and drank until he passed out. I could have been married to a porcelain figurine, you know the kind that sits on a shelf and just gathers dust? And I hate housework.
And, thanks to you guys, I know that I need to be supportive, but not pushy, and let her do it on her own time. I looked up therapists/psychologists in our area who specialize in her issues, and was going to give her the list, but decided that it's something she needs to handle on her own.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Kansas
Posts: 23
I agre to let her chose her own therapist, but I would encourage you to make sure it's someone who is familiar with alcoholism. My wife went to someone who wasn't familiar with alcoholism. My wife spent all of the timwblaming all of her problems that led to her drinking on me. The therapist agreed and told her to leave me. So now my wife's story is she stopped going to "save our marriage". So now she isn't getting any help and I'm getting more and more depressed.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
Originally Posted by LittleApple 
...but I would encourage you to make sure it's someone who is familiar with alcoholism. My wife went to someone who wasn't familiar with alcoholism. My wife spent all of the timwblaming all of her problems that led to her drinking on me. The therapist agreed and told her to leave me.
When AH relapsed, he did so on the ADVICE of his "therapist-guru" who told him I was controlling him. When we went to marriage counseling, it was unbelievable how the therapist missed ALL the alcoholic manipulation. (for example, one time when he called a few minutes late and I had already ordered Chinese without getting his choices because he didn't bother listening to his cell phone message from me, he used that as an excuse to stay out all night and drink. The counselor blamed me for not communicating properly. Of course, her opinion might have been biased by the flowers he constantly showered on her. My personal therapist felt that her accepting those gifts was highly inappropriate. That's the difference between a therapist who knows alcoholism and one who doesn't.)
It is very important to get a therapist trained in alcoholism.
Occasional poor taste poster
Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
My ex went to a therapist and predictably told a one sided tale of stress and strain due to work, kids, crazy ex husband, messed up upbringing, yada yada. All the crap that made her life just so damn difficult, (sarcasm). And of course left out the details about her drinking and all the negative issues because of it. Did such a good job of manipulation came out of it with a prescription for ADs, and against all the warnings on the label heavily mixed with alcohol. What was a train wreck in slow motion became the mother of all train wrecks in hyper speed.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 12
I have been AWOL on this forum due to a separation and trying to run a house, cook and clean for 3 kids and a full time job. I started reading as I have a week off.
Your story struck me as close to mine. My youngest was 5, the other 2 were 9. It started like your story. Fast forward a year or so and it will be all your fault, she won't have a problem, your kid will start sensing something is wrong. One day you will come home and find her passed out while your kid hopefully be unharmed. As time goes on, she will become more depressed, less functional and physically and emotionally abusive. A DUI or worse will follow, you will start recognizing the policemen in your town by looking at the cruisers passing you. Your neighbours will come out to watch the latest commotion on the street, etc...
Document everything, ask for help AND ABOVE ALL PROTECT YOUR CHILD which is hard to do for a working dad if you are not home. Hope that helps
Your story struck me as close to mine. My youngest was 5, the other 2 were 9. It started like your story. Fast forward a year or so and it will be all your fault, she won't have a problem, your kid will start sensing something is wrong. One day you will come home and find her passed out while your kid hopefully be unharmed. As time goes on, she will become more depressed, less functional and physically and emotionally abusive. A DUI or worse will follow, you will start recognizing the policemen in your town by looking at the cruisers passing you. Your neighbours will come out to watch the latest commotion on the street, etc...
Document everything, ask for help AND ABOVE ALL PROTECT YOUR CHILD which is hard to do for a working dad if you are not home. Hope that helps
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 21
Your story sounds exactly like mine except for the young children, mine are a bit older (14 and 20).
She only really drank at home, after work and would pass out on the couch. She was never really mean or abusive, but an A all the same.
She saw she had a problem and is getting help. She’ll be home from 30 day rehab tomorrow. She sounds strong and committed on the phone, so only time can tell what will happen.
I’m no expert and very new here, but it seems somehow you need to get her to admit she has a problem (have her talk with her doctor or take an online survey). Once she does that hopefully she can get the help she needs.
I feel your pain. I found a lot of comfort in music. One particular song that my wife found called Lost by Michael Buble helped a lot.
She only really drank at home, after work and would pass out on the couch. She was never really mean or abusive, but an A all the same.
She saw she had a problem and is getting help. She’ll be home from 30 day rehab tomorrow. She sounds strong and committed on the phone, so only time can tell what will happen.
I’m no expert and very new here, but it seems somehow you need to get her to admit she has a problem (have her talk with her doctor or take an online survey). Once she does that hopefully she can get the help she needs.
I feel your pain. I found a lot of comfort in music. One particular song that my wife found called Lost by Michael Buble helped a lot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Central O-H-I-O
Posts: 1,689
Originally Posted by LostHusband
I’m no expert and very new here, but it seems somehow you need to get her to admit she has a problem (have her talk with her doctor or take an online survey). Once she does that hopefully she can get the help she needs.
Last night, after a very hectic day (i.e., justification for drinking, in her mind), she had that glassy-eyed look when I went to bed. I went to bed, not because I was sleepy, but I could see where she was headed, and chose to avoid doing/saying/breathing in any way that could start a row.
Oh, and it's our anniversary today. Yippee
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
C-O-Dad,
One piece of advice that I wish I had when I was at this stage and still living with my Aw. Take pictures to verify your log. Picture of her passed out or crawling to the bathroom or anything else that can help prove your point.
Another is join Alanon. Many meetings have babysitting. You can't change her but you can change you and start to get better. It really helps being face to face with people who know exactly what you are going through. I know it has made a world of difference for me.
Your friend,
One piece of advice that I wish I had when I was at this stage and still living with my Aw. Take pictures to verify your log. Picture of her passed out or crawling to the bathroom or anything else that can help prove your point.
Another is join Alanon. Many meetings have babysitting. You can't change her but you can change you and start to get better. It really helps being face to face with people who know exactly what you are going through. I know it has made a world of difference for me.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 21
LOL, mine is tomorrow, the day she returns from rehab.
That is a hard one. Maybe if she hears it from someone else, like a doctor. How about writing her a letter, a long letter explaining how happy you were in the beginning and how you really feel now, not attacking, but just concern and sadness for what you feel you are losing. She can't fight back with a letter.
For me it went on for about 9 months, not much I could do either. It just had to get to the point she couldn't deny it.
Good luck, stay strong....Find time for yourself. I know when my wife passed out, that it was "me" time. I could watch anything on TV (get netflix, a lot of good tv shows like breaking
That is a hard one. Maybe if she hears it from someone else, like a doctor. How about writing her a letter, a long letter explaining how happy you were in the beginning and how you really feel now, not attacking, but just concern and sadness for what you feel you are losing. She can't fight back with a letter.
For me it went on for about 9 months, not much I could do either. It just had to get to the point she couldn't deny it.
Good luck, stay strong....Find time for yourself. I know when my wife passed out, that it was "me" time. I could watch anything on TV (get netflix, a lot of good tv shows like breaking
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