LifeRecovery

This just fits for me today.

From the Language of Letting Go: Melody Beattie

Being is Enough (July 21)
We are not always clear about what we are experiencing, or why.

In the midst of grief, transition, transformation, learning, healing or discipline-it's difficult to have perspective.

That's because we have not learned the lesson yet. We are in the midst of it. The gift of clarity has not yet arrived.

Our need to control can manifest itself as a need to know exactly what's going on. We cannot always know. Sometimes, we need to let ourselves be and trust that clarity will come later, in retrospect.

In we are confused, that is what we are supposed to be. The confusion is temporary. We shall see. The lesson, the purpose, shall reveal itself-in time, in its own time.

It will make perfect sense, later.

Today I will stop straining to know what I don't know, to see what I can't see, to understand what I don't yet understand. I will trust that being is sufficient, and let go of my need to figure things out.

Learn2Live

Thank you LifeRecovery. That helps me. Today I need to just be and focus on what I am able to focus on, in the now. Not yesterday, just in the moment.

Alucard

I am the soon to be ex of an AW...I was in a restaurant yesterday and furious when I saw all the NORMAL couples there, some of them already in a long term relationship, some obviosly dating, but sitting together, eating, socializing, even sharing a drink. A DRINK not f'n 7-8 drinks, and then a trip to the liquor store in the bad neighborhood. With the alcoholic, life revolved around drinking and getting the next round of 12 or 18 packs for the next day. Oh, and the miniatures of vodka for "shots"....This all hit me about 12 days in, "wow, this is a bit much, she drinks more than anyone I have ever been around"....12 days in, she got bored of sitting at home (shes unemployed) and she started the party seeking.....I am pushing 44 with a 5 year old, and had ZERO interest in a drunken house party after midnight after working 9 hours. I remember the shock of seeing the tremors in the morning for the first time, or seeing her ugly, inebriated side. I was purchasing all her booze (classic enabler) including the am tomato beer (tall can)...She found it amusing when she went to "make dinner" for her ex inmate galpal and that turned into a drunk fest complete with shots and she vomited the dinner up and the dog ate it. Beyond nauseating, when considering this galpal wanted her to be her wife. The entire farce/joke of a marriage was a complete waste of time, energy, effort and money. Luckily not too much of any of those. She is a legal mess as well with now two warrants out for her arrest, and she is an ex felon. (Mystified as to why no one will hire her, lol)....so serving her couch serving self is going to be challenging at best, I am hoping for a quick uncontested, but only time will tell. She wants no help, in her self destructiveness.


On the positive side, once this divorce crap is complete, I am going to turn the attention back on myself. I am starting my college classes back in the fall (12 hours) on the way to my bachelors, a new pt job to keep some cash flowing and make some new friends, and I am kicking up my workouts a few notches to see if I can turn back the clock, physically, I weigh 186 now and my goal is 165 by Halloween. A trip to the PCP and my therapist is in the works as well as I have MUCHO anger about this waste of my time, and the worst summer ever. Next years has to be better even if its just average.

Learn2Live

Exactly. How can anyone live a normal life with this kind of thing? I need routine in my life, and a measure of predictability. I need rest and quiet on worknights, so that I can function at a certain level in my job. I wanted to have a BF who would take me on a date on Friday night, and do something fun on the weekends. We never did. It was ridiculous.

Alucard

Thank you Learn to Live, it is nice to see that I was not alone in dealing with that kind of Alcoholic BS...A. I found the House Parties BORING at age 44. Yet they seemed to be what it lived for. I am starting college in the fall and I have a Saturday AM class from 9-1 and there is no way to prep for that and be at the House Party until 3am when all the drunks start passing out. I spent many, many nights sitting up after work until 2-3 am watching it guzzle beer after beer. If it was before 9, it would ask me to take it to a liquor store to purchase miniatures. Predictability with an alcoholic? forget that. Fun to an alcoholic (4th stage) is strictly subjective. I took it to a wedding reception and all it wanted to do was consume beer after beer, (At $6 a pop, the bar before and the liquor store after, that was a $60.00 Saturday on beer!!!).....there was some intimacy at first, but then, it was apparent that she had MONDO intimacy issues, from pretty much hating any type of foreplay, to needing to sleep with her 8 year old instead of me. It was frustrating and irritating at best..(And NOT my idea of marriage)...her ideas of a good time meant a 1am house party with fellow drunks and junkies, and listening to irritating hip hop crap and guzzling booze. The inebration was a complete turn off.

Learn2Live

Funny you should say that because A&AXBF had to sleep with his kids too. How are you supposed to be intimate if the person cannot sleep in the same room with you? How are you supposed to have a relationship if you can never be intimate with the person?

I am a professional. And I have to act professionally at work. That is hard to do when you don't get enough sleep, your life is so chaotic that you cannot even think straight anymore, and your life is overtaken by other people's problems, complaints, issues, and drama.

Alucard

Right now I am in the process of divorce, and dealing with the aftermath of this chaotic mess/joke/farce of a marriage. I need therapy, and exercise, and a visit to my PCP to deal with all of the residual issues of this crap. Right now I have no interest in relationships. BUT I have hope for a decent future with a woman who actually is interested in a real relationship. I have learned some lessons about boundaries and other issues that I will carry on to any new relationships.

1. No alcoholics or drug addicts. Period. Bottom line, end of discussion.

2. Once we have crossed that boundary of intimacy, RULE ONE is we sleep together PERIOD...no kids allowed in the bedroom. That, or I walk. Intimacy, foreplay, sleeping together is all super important and bonding.

3. Compatibility. It was difficult to compete with grain alcohol, the REAL love of an alcoholic. Their entire existance circulates around the consumption of different liquors. And then there is the transition to drugs as well. I like to try new restaurants (Kind of pointless with a 4th stage alcoholic who doesnt bother with food anymore as it kills the buzz)....I love to shoot (As a convicted felon she cannot own a firearm legally)....I love my motorcycle (She had a vague interest in it, consulting me that I needed a saddlebag large enough for her 12 pack??!!!)...I love to exercise (She considers it a boring waste of time) and I love good cinema (she stares blankly at the screen guzzling booze....thinks the movies are a waste of $$$ that could be spent at the liquor store).....We had nothing in common anymore. I need a woman who enjoys doing these kind of things together,. like normal people.

Learn2Live

I honestly am very afraid of even getting involved with anyone again. I don't trust myself to be able to screen people appropriately or keep myself from falling in love with another dysfunctional person.

Alucard

I refuse to give up on love, I will just be more cautious next time. My dear Aunt Em, she went from a mentally disabled vet, to a murderer, to a 4th-5th stages alcoholic, and divorced em all. Then she landed up with Uncle W. who is my personal Yoda/guru/Obi Wan to my Luke, and teacher. This guy is to me, my real father, and a literal Godsend. Had she given up after the 5th stage alcoholic (now dead) she would be alone, and instead has the most wonderful marriage to the most wonderful man. I am 43 not 73. I feel I have some great years left, and still have a lot to accomplish on this planet, I need to get that bachelors, and get my career restarted, and buy a home,and do Sturgis, and yes, meet that special woman and re-establish a great relationship...but as we are falling in love, we will have a cup of coffee at a quiet diner, and I WILL give her explicit details of this failed marriage and what I will and wont put up with.

CodieBird

I so relate to what you say. My ABF quit his 12 pack/day habit cold turkey over 2 months ago, but he's done nothing to address any of the issues that made him a drinker and subsequently, an unlicensed former driver. Instead of celebrating his freedom from his beer, seems like I'm more a prisoner of him and the alcoholism than ever before. At least I used to have some space to myself when he was always devising excuses to sneak off and drink his beer. Ever since he quit, it's as if I'm obliged to babysit and entertain him 24/7 'cause (according to him) he only quit at my insistence.

In reality, I recall expressing to him that I was not willing to live and plan my life around the limitations that his beer and alcoholism imposed upon my life and our relationship. It's as if he's determined to impose his loser limitations and problems on me one way or the other. I know it sounds trite, L2L, but he blessed you by walking out. I wish mine would.

ZiggyB

I'm sorry you are still feeling bad and obsessing over what went wrong. I have been doing the same thing myself. It's been getting easier but this morning I had a moment where I felt terrified again knowing I would not hear from him anymore. Keep reminding yourself there is nothing you can do about the past, what's done is done. Stay in the present moment, what are you going to do with your life now? Focus on how to be a happy person and don't let someone who mistreated you impact the way you feel about yourself today. I have been doing a lot of meditation and am finding it helpful, good luck!

ZiggyB

Boy, can I relate to this statement. I still can't believe how he woke me up in the middle of the night to ask why I left a sweatshirt on the floor. Couldn't it have waited until morning? The lunacy was unreal.

Learn2Live

I am glad you have your Uncle W. I wish I had an Uncle W. too.

Learn2Live

Oh, CodieBird, I know he did me a favor but it hurt so much to be betrayed and lied to. I know he is more limited than I have ever allowed myself to accept. I know this from experience.

I am sorry you have that person in your house. Maybe you could kick him out? I know, it's hard to do but at least you are not married to him. I wonder, does he sit around the house watching TV? That is one reason I have no TV in my house, because I don't want anyone sitting around here. Thank you for sharing, I don't feel so all alone.

Learn2Live

Thank for checking in on me ZiggyB. When I wake up and when I am going to bed are the most difficult times, times when I do the most crying, crying from deep down. I did go to therapy today and the therapist had a really good suggestion that seems to be working. I set a time every day that is the assigned time for thinking about him (I picked between 5 and 6 PM). Every time I find myself thinking about him throughout the day, or thinking about the relationship, I just tell myself that this has to wait until the assigned time, and I just postpone it until then.

I have been working to clean up my house and garden. I am re-claiming my space.

mmk11

This is exactly what A's want you to think! When A's make us out to be the bad guy, the focus is off of all their bad behavior.

In the weeks leading up to my separation and during, my AH managed to somehow convince me- in his d!ckhead way- that him "checking out" of the relationship was my fault: I didn't appreciate him enough, why did I say this, why did I do that, why wasn't I more affectionate, why wasn't I more understanding, what wasn't I why wasn't why wasn't I. So what did I do? Fed his black hole of an ego by trying to prove I am worthy and how amazing he is and how much I want to be with him!

What I learned is I don't have to prove I'm an amazing partner to be with. When I told my AH this and that he'll have to figure it out on his own, he was actually irritated! I learned that I can't read AH's mind to say or do the exact perfect thing in any situation. It is relieving to take that weight off my shoulders of saying or doing things "right" according to AH.

I feel your pain as so many of us do. It's not you sweetheart, you did not do anything wrong, take into your heart that it's not you. Im trying to do that as well. You are wonderful and you help me so much with your posts. Hugs to you!

Learn2Live

Thank you so much mmk11. Your description of the d!ckhead way that he talked to you makes so much sense to me related to AXBF. THANK YOU!

CodieBird

Ya know, I could never accept how absolutely bottom of the barrel limited mine was either. I kept hoping, regardless of the cautions that friends and family kept repeating to me.

Just encouraging him to go find his own thing to do for a day and saying that I intended to have a small bit of life to myself brought about WWIII. He's out now and has finally cemented the fact to me that he is neither sane nor trustworthy. I blogged about it today and yesterday.

He hates watching TV and resents my time on the computer. Believes I use it to find new lovers. Instead, he substitutes heavy labor for his beer. I warned him about swapping alcoholism for workaholism. Won't engage in a bit of introspection. Everything depends upon what others did or did not do, "to him", of course. His hard labor around my homestead was apparently a reason for me to "owe" him my soul. Nebbermind he does not pay rent or contribute a single thin dime to any of the outings I've shared with him or his son.

There is a wicked thunderstorm grumbling outside and it's pouring. How is it that such a thing feels comforting to me? Maybe just a welcome distraction. I have to think through whether alerting the sheriff to our domestic disagreement, or filing a protective order, might be the wise thing to do. Looking forward to my Al-Anon meeting tonight. Feeling very lost and alone.

mmk11

They sure know how to talk to a woman! Blaming us, manipulating us so we beleive we are to blame, telling us in one way or another that we are not good enough, projecting their issues to us so we can solve them.

With AH, he was so full of self pity that my immediate reaction to his "issues" with me and our r/s was sympathy and then guilt for not being the partner I thought I was, so I tried like hell to "prove my innocence" but of course to no avail.

I still kick myself and dwell on how I let myself be treated by AH. I sat there and took it, thought I would let him punch himself out. That doesnt work with As bc they have so much anger and resentment. Part of me wants to call him up and scream (I'll spare you the obscenities) and another part of me want to let him rot in the jail of his own mind and addiction.

If I'm going down the rabbit hole of anger/despair, etc, I try to think of the absolutely ridiculous and nonsensical things AH has told me in the last few months and just laugh. They really do live in an alternate reality.

Learn2Live

I have heard this term "bottom of the barrel" used before. AXBF's sister thinks of him this way, though she did not use this term.

AXBF did the same. Just would not stop working like a dog in the yard. And got angry at me because I stopped working out there. For once, I wanted to go do something COUPLES do, be treated nicely, you know.

Same thing here with AXBF.

Sounds familiar.