onefootoutdoor

I told my AH last Sunday that it was either the alcohol or us. He told me on Monday that he didn't want to lose his family so he was going to quit. Well.......it's 5 days later and now he is trying to get me to predict the future and say I won't be such an angry person, if he quits. I said I can't predict the future and that our relationship won't change overnight, but that's not good enough. He said HE'S trying, cuz he hasn't drank in 5 days but that I'm the one who isn't trying because I'm still angry toward him.

He then says he's mulling over granting me a divorce, he's just trying to figure out if he can make it on his own. He then went on to say that he should be able to drink a beer or two in social situations, because it's not drinking destructively, and that I'm just trying to be a dictator by not allowing him to do that. I said we've been down that road before. He can't drink just two, and it always ends up turning into every day.

I told him I'm upset because he hasn't even tried to call anyone or set up an appointment to try to get help, and that I have been getting advice on these boards and I started Al-Anon, and that I'm educating myself about alcoholism. He said I'm telling him he needs to get help from other people, when I should just be a loving, supportive wife.

I told him that I might not know everything about this, but I know that, as an alcoholic, he is just saying anything and everything to get me to agree that he can drink a little, and I know where that road leads.

I think he knows I'm serious about not staying if he drinks, and he knows he doesn't want to give it up.

This isn't going well at all. I think my marriage is about to end.

Ellvk

Ugh. I am so sorry you have to go through this. Best wishes to you. People here understand you.

L.

Fathom

((((hugs))))

You know, he's trying to make a trade. "I'll stop behaving badly when you stop feeling badly." Unfortunately for him, feelings are not negotiable. It doesn't get to work that way. He is not quite getting it that stopping his drinking is only the beginning of a long process he gets to focus on where he works 24/7 on removing his bad behaviors and his "stinking thinking," and earning back your trust. That's 100% up to him. And, yes, you get to work on dealing with your anger in a healthy way (because otherwise it will eat you up), but that is independent of his behavior. This is not to say that you will work on not feeling anger, but that you will learn how to make it productive.

I found that talking to a therapist specializing in families with addictions was extremely valuable. That, and reciting the serenity prayer often.

Peace,
Fathom

Seren

Hello onefootoutdoor,

It's so sad to watch someone we love be so self-destructive--to completely give up their health, their sanity, and their will to a liquid. I'm sorry you are hurting

This struck me as very controlling and the epitome of arrogance. It's as if you don't get to make any choices in the matter. Based on his decision, you will either be putting up with his active alcoholism, or he will "set you free".

I am by no means advocating divorce. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. But you DO have choices about how you want to live.

I hope today is a better day!

transformyself

Hello
All of this is so familiar. The twisted, never ending negotiations. It's insane. Crazy making stuff. I remember when I left AH the first time, I had such a clear vision of him drowing, and me trying to help him but being pulled down as well.

MY AH also doesn't want to quite drinking, although he has told me at various times that he will, that he wants to, that he doesn't need help and consistently, that I am his problem. For many many reasons.

This was a very common occurrence in our marriage too. I spent years doing research, trying to find out what on earth was going on--because i was confused and afriad--and that research finally led me to al-anon and this wonderful place.

The disproportionate amount of work I was doing to try to solve his drinking problem weighed heavily on me as well.

We didn't cause it, we cant' control it or cure it. But we can make our lives better. It's that simple, sad and beautiful.

I'm glad you're here. Have you read the stickes up at the top? Or try Learn2Live's "Please Contribute: Living with An Alcoholic?"

LifeRecovery

This is why the hard work you are doing on boundaries is so important.

I know it probably does not feel like it, but you are taking some big steps forward.

Learn2Live

When you are in these conversations, practicing taking a big step back, out of the banter. For a moment, try not to think about what you want. Just observe while participating. And take notice that it is two people, both trying to get something from the other. Both centered on self. Don't make excuses for yourself and say, "But I am right and he is wrong," because right and wrong have nothing to do with it. You will begin to see more objectively. You will see the "shoulds" and the "ought to's." You will hear the "I" and the "me." It will all become clearer each time you practice taking a step back, out of the mire, out of the chaos, out of the sickness.

Keep going to those Al-Anon meetings and listening to people describe your self. Keep focusing on you and what is the best for YOU. Wake up each morning and ask yourself, what will I allow into my life today, sickness or health? What will I participate in today, chaos or peace?

onefootoutdoor

It really helps me to hear similar stories and words of support because the truth is I'm terrified. Terrified for myself and how I'm going to get by and for my AH and how this addiction is going to play out for him. Right now I feel as long as he is with me, he keeps it in check enough not to fall into complete despair, but if we separate, he may harm himself,(more than he already is).

What terrifies me about it is that, at this point, I don't have another option. He has to try to quit because I can't do this anymore.

transformyself

I'm glad this is helpful
I just wrote about this.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ght-again.html
I think I stayed for a long time out of fear of what would happen to him as well, but have moved past it.

outonalimb

(((((onefoot))))

My heart goes out to you. I understand the fear. The fear kept me trapped in my relationship with my exah for a long time. I remained enmeshed in HIS disease even after I divorced him because I love him...depsite his disease. But your love won't save him.

You aren't that powerful.

This is HIS disease. He will continue on whatever path HE chooses whether you are there or not. My exah did. By remaining, I only subjected myself and our son to a front row seat to the insanity. Fear is a big thing. Work on trading it in for faith. Your AH has a HP of his own. He has his own journey. Whether that journey includes recovery or further descent into madness, only HE can decide. Don't fool yourself into believing that you have any control over whatever the eventual outcome will be. You have no more control over his disease than you would have over cancer or heart disease or diabetes in someone you love.

You are powerless.
Love yourself.
Take care of yourself.
Keep searching for answers.

You're moving forward in leaps and bounds whether you realize it or not.

Learn2Live

Please do not fool yourself into believing for one more moment that you are in control of his disease. You are not and nothing you do can help him. In fact, staying with him and keeping him with you so you can watch over him and try to influence him only HURTS him. I know, it sounds counter-intuitive, doesn't it? But the only thing you are doing is enabling him to continue to ignore himself and his disease and continue to drink. While in a relationship, they use the relationship to make excuses for the drinking. When we yell or scream or get all dramatic or bitchy, they have YOU to focus on and your behavior. Just as WE focus on THEM and THEIR behavior to avoid looking at ourselves, THEY focus on US and OUR behavior to avoid looking at ourselves. When you go to Al-Anon, you focus on you. This is actually the best thing you can do for an alcoholic you are involved with. You begin to learn how you are enabling, and you can step out of that cycle. Even better, IMO, is if you leave altogether. We often don't leave out of FEAR. Fear of what will happen to us, what will happen to them, fear that we cannot make it on our own. Fear that we will never be loved.

But guess what? You CAN make it on your own. And making it on your own builds strength and confidence like you've never had before. Getting yourself out of the deep hole of sickness you are mired in right now will give you the energy to accomplish much more than what you think you are even capable of. Listen, if I can do it, so can you. I was completely clueless about everything, had no money, no education, NOTHING. Actually, all I had was my car when I escaped. Now, some 15 or so years later, I cannot believe the difference in me and my life then and now. The key is to focus on YOU, YOUR betterment, YOUR dreams, and YOUR growth. It is very possible.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

“Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all. From now on you'll be traveling the road between who you think you are and who you can be. The key is to allow yourself to make the journey.”

Thumper

He is quacking and manipulating you know? Pushing your buttons and trying to get you to make promises. His addiction is in panic mode so please be prepared for all manner of behavior from kind to vicious, from subtle emotional manipulation to outright abuse.

IME the circular discussions will make you crazy. If he is actively drinking, there is no point in even having them even if he is sober at the moment.


Deep breaths. Remember, just do the next right thing.

Change your internal dialogue. You will be fine on your own. You will figure it out. You really really will.

You are not saving him. You don't have that kind of power.

I am 10000000% positive that if my xah and I would have stayed together we'd be in the exact same spot we were in 3yrs ago. I *know* he'd still be drinking. There would have been no reason for him to stop. He didn't want to stop. He didn't have to stop because I was enabling him to continue just by living with him - keeping his family and house standing and his belly full.

He did spiral when we split. It was alarming. His dad died in his 50's from alcoholism and I thought for sure the same thing was going to happen to him. But eventually the money he got in the divorce ran out. He was without family, without a home, without food, without a job, without money. He checked into a rehab and stayed there a year and I think he is sober now.

We can't love them into recovery. We just can't. It doesn't work. Sometimes we are loving the person but fueling the addiction.

sugarbear1

Here's something to read.

The Immortal Alcoholic

ConeyIslandHigh

Yep, I really think was loving him quite literally to death. Hopefully he'll eventually escape his own fate, without me. If not, that's on him..."not my circus, not my monkey."

Now that I'm out of it, I can finally see that I did EVERYTHING else while he did NOTHING at all, but drink, plan to drink, and make efforts to hide it and lie about it. Now he doesn't even need to make those efforts anymore.

If I put as much energy into ME as I did in to trying to help him, I'll be well taken care of. He certainly wasn't doing anything to that end.

Freedom1990

This was the key to my recovery and subsequent happiness. The only person I had control over was me.

No, my marriage to an A did not survive, but I surely did, and began living again.

marie1960

Excuses, excuses, excuses simply translates to he is not ready to commit to recovery.

He is still blaming you for anything and everything. He is not taking any responsiblity for himself.

Keep the focus on yourself, make healthy choices that enrich your life.
Hugs)))))

NYCDoglvr

To an alcoholic booze is their Higher Power, great love of their life, God, the most important. It is his choice to stop or not. What you see is what you get, unless an alcoholic gets help. I hope you've reached the point where you know there's nothing you can say or do that will make a difference.