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This was the mother of all relapses for her...

Old 07-21-2012, 11:05 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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Drinking with the homeless is definetly end stage alcoholism. It is also very dangerous that your wife is drinking with "street alcoholics". Good for you to keep your bounderies.
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Old 07-22-2012, 08:57 PM
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Just sending a hug to ya ..
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Old 07-23-2012, 07:22 AM
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Originally Posted by lillamy View Post
Amazing.
Both the grip this damn disease has on people that they can do something so infuriatingly stupid as have a drink after 18 months of sobriety AND the presence of mind recovery has given you, friend.

I hope your trip is great. You pretty much rock. Hard core.
Wow. I can't say it any better, so I'm ditto'ing Lillamy instead.
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Old 07-23-2012, 09:07 AM
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Hah!

I have mixed feelings about him. By the looks of it he protected her from ending up in an area where much worse could have happened, and pushed her hard to go somewhere she would be safe. I think he "recognized her," if you know what I mean.

I took him to a homeless shelter downtown "where he stays," and gave him all the money in my wallet. Not for her, but for him.

She got very, very lucky.

C-

Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
So is the homeless person now living with your mom?
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Old 07-23-2012, 09:17 AM
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Oh yes it did!

On the contrary. I laughed like hell. It's just that I've been off the grid for three glorious days in Central Washington!

Originally Posted by Learn2Live View Post
I guess my sarcasm did not make Cyranoak laugh.
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Old 07-23-2012, 09:23 AM
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How wonderful to be off while she had to mull over her actions, and you could avoid watching all that remorse and guilt unfold, not have to feel sorry for her, or disgusted in her company...avoiding all that blah...and focus on YOU and enjoying life instead!
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Old 07-23-2012, 09:42 AM
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good good job Cryanoak!
I remember the first time that I did "nothing" It was liberating.
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Old 07-23-2012, 10:19 AM
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Originally Posted by Cyranoak View Post
On the contrary. I laughed like hell. It's just that I've been off the grid for three glorious days in Central Washington!
I am so glad. This made me smile. A real smile. Thank you. I have not smiled but maybe 5 times in almost 2 months.

My heart is warmed that you had 3 days you enjoyed.
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Old 07-23-2012, 10:59 AM
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I took him to a homeless shelter downtown "where he stays," and gave him all the money in my wallet. Not for her, but for him.

Your compassion is inspiring. Sometimes angels come to us in very unrecognizable forms. Glad you were able to see that.

Sending you some extra support as you get back to "reality". Buckle up it going to be a bumpy ride.
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Old 07-23-2012, 11:25 AM
  # 30 (permalink)  
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No way to know for sure...

...but I can say that there was no evidence of it that I perceived, and I'm pretty damn good at knowing when she's impaired, even slightly. Pretty damn good with strangers too.

That said, nobody's perfect and, as many of us know all too well, alcoholics are sneaky, and often cunning as hell when protecting their addiction. If we could just harness this tiny intellectual part of most alcoholics, we'd have found the God Particle, colonized Mars, and solved the world's problems a long, long time ago.

Kidding aside, the disease is cunning and baffling. I can see scenarios in which she could have indulged and I wouldn't know-- I travel enough it would be easy. I've always had to accept this as a reality since I decided to stay with her. It's part of the gig.

Now I have to decide again. I set some new boundaries yesterday, some requiring significant changes on her part I don't think she's willing to make. She has until Friday to decide if she is willing to make them and, if not, I'm moving out. And, of course, if she agrees but doesn't honor them I'll have to move out any way.

As always, more will be revealed.

C-

Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
cy, can i ask a question? you stated she had 18 months uninterrupted sobriety....are you sure about that now? cuz she sure went FULL TILT and BALLS OUT if this was truly her first return to drinking. i also acknowledge that her program or lack thereof is not under your purview.....understanding there is no "guidebook" on relapse, often it seems the alcoholic will test the waters so to speak, with a drink or two, make sure the roof doesn't cave in on them, and then start ratcheting back up. she kinda went from 0 - speed of sound....

but screw that. how are YOU doing today? what do YOU need?
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Old 07-23-2012, 11:29 AM
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I have read many many times that addicts, when they go back, return to exactly where they were when they left off.
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Old 07-23-2012, 11:46 AM
  # 32 (permalink)  
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Attempts to control someone else usually begin with " you will xxx, or else yyy". This does not work.

A boundary usually begins with "I will/will not", as in "I will not live with someone in active alcoholism or early recovery". A boundary lets go of the outcome and does not require other people to honor it. A boundary is all about you and is as good as your willingness to honor it.
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Old 07-23-2012, 11:47 AM
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Oh yeah, how am I?

I'm not fine. I don't think I can live with an alcoholic anymore. Periodic long term relapses are as ****** as when she was drinking every day.

My addiction to her is slowly killing me, and it has profoundly ****** up my life. At least this time the only damage I suffered was emotional (as did our daughter).

I need to end my life with her but I don't know if I can. I might be like those alcoholics who intrinsically know they are killing themselves but can't stop drinking (Like Nicolas Cage in Leaving Las Vegas). Alanon has helped me to live with her the last few years, but I think now the next indicated step is to end our relationship which I don't want to do (because I'm ****** up in the head and massively codependent with her).

Thanks for asking.

C-



Originally Posted by anvilhead View Post
but screw that. how are YOU doing today? what do YOU need?
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Old 07-23-2012, 11:54 AM
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Understood...

...so maybe it was an ultimatum. Either way she will, in fact, have to stop doing something that is important to her to keep me from manifesting the "I will not live with someone" piece.

I could have phrased it as a boundary in that regard and then moved out when she crossed it-- I chose not to. Instead I have asked her if she is capable of honoring a boundary at all and been specific in what that boundary/ultimatum is. If she says no I've save a lot of time and headache. If she says yes we proceed and see what happens.

C-

Originally Posted by outtolunch View Post
Attempts to control someone else usually begin with " you will xxx, or else yyy". This does not work.

A boundary usually begins with "I will/will not", as in "I will not live with someone in active alcoholism or early recovery". A boundary lets go of the outcome and does not require other people to honor it. A boundary is all about you and is as good as your willingness to honor it.
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Old 07-23-2012, 12:05 PM
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You CAN Cyranoak. You really, really can. Jeez, if you only knew how I was when I did it: So very young, naive, and stupid, with no education, no home to go to, no job, absolutely nothing but my car and some clothes, sleeping in people's basements and on their couches and on the floor, and I did it. I left him and I left him behind. And you know what? Here I am, 15 years later, and he is STILL doing the same things he was doing before, moving from basement apartment to basement apartment, drinking and doing drugs, complaining and blaming everyone but himself, especially that "black cloud that follows me around wherever I go."
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Old 07-23-2012, 12:14 PM
  # 36 (permalink)  
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Alanon has helped me to live with her the last few years, but I think now the next indicated step is to end our relationship which I don't want to do (because I'm ****** up in the head and massively codependent with her).
Okay, Cyranoak, you might not want to, but for you and your daughter, you might have to.
Yeah, she went from 0 to light speed for sure. Dangerous for all concerned. Definitely could have been fatal for her. And Cyranoak, after watching two people I know personally do this to themselves, (die from the effects or an accident while intoxicated) you might consider this as a possibility. She is fatally attracted to alcohol, in my opinion and I sure don't want you and your daughter to be there when she does finally crash into that brick wall.
You cannot save her from herself. It is scary when we are on a mission. If she has been drinking during trips or something, her brain has not cleared up yet, and she continues to poison herself.
Please don't let her take you two with her. Drunk enough to lose her car, phone, wallet, and bring home some unknown guy...that is scary. And I used to drive blackout with my kids in the car, so I have no self righteous message to pass, just that she is on her way to major damage, and her family could be collateral damage.
You are the coolest guy Cyranoak, don't want to see you get hurt anymore, and not your daughter either.

Beth
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Old 07-23-2012, 12:15 PM
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Cyranoak,

Alanon has helped me to live with her
And Alanon helped me learn to live without her. I was a lot stronger than I thought. All it took was taking that first step. I can honestly say I was scared to death, worried about doing the wrong thing and sure I was screwing things up.

It was the best thing I ever did.

Trust your instincts and let go and let god. You will have the support of all of us here.

Good luck.

Your friend,
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Old 07-23-2012, 12:51 PM
  # 38 (permalink)  
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Your response is pretty amazing - it's been a long time since I've had to deal with disappearing acts and relapses, but I have to tell you, I could never have gone on the trip - amazing inner strength you have there.

I still love my ex - but my life instantly became better when I left him - it was the most important/best thing I ever did for my own sanity and for those who love me. I haven't got everything right, but a life of chaos is no longer what I have. If you really feel you need to have her out of your life just know that you have the strength to make that a reality.

Wishing much goodness for you.
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Old 07-23-2012, 01:03 PM
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Thank goodness she didn't find her car & drive drunk. Has the car been located? This bender could of ended up worse.
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Old 07-23-2012, 01:16 PM
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I need to end my life with her but I don't know if I can.
Seriously, friend, I know of few people who wear recovery as well as you do.
And I honestly think living without her would be easier for you than living with her.

I've looked at you in amazement because you've been able to somehow continue living with her despite the heartbreak and the mayhem in the past, and doing that being aware of how fragile sobriety is. To me, that sounds incredibly stressful. Much harder than walking away. And regardless of what you choose to do, you will do it without rose-colored glasses and you'll do it well.

Because you're awesome that way.
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