New here... and struggling with Rejection and no contact
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Denver, CO
Posts: 26
Originally Posted by Alucard 
You are essentially living with an abcess tooth, and are attatched to it, and dont mind the swelling, the fever, the pain and the infection about to set in, and cause major, major medical complications because you cannot imagine life without that tooth....Get it removed and get a bridge. Or a dental implant, but if you keep the tooth, you can always come back here and lament how nice it is that the tooth is still there, even though you are on painkillers and walk around with an icebag over your swollen face.
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Well, nothing wrong with sitting there for a little bit... And letting the hole be. Give yourself some time to heal from the infection and in time the appropriate repair for the hole will come to you. Don't be in a rush to fill the hole back up right away... Or else you may accidentally grab another rotten tooth and end up in pain all over again 
Learning to be alone and love myself has been one of the greatest things I've ever done for me. I have been amazed at how much better I feel by NOT getting sucked into every little relationship opportunity that comes my way. Being much more selective has given me a much higher quality of life
Best to you bloke... This too shall pass
Shannon
Learning to be alone and love myself has been one of the greatest things I've ever done for me. I have been amazed at how much better I feel by NOT getting sucked into every little relationship opportunity that comes my way. Being much more selective has given me a much higher quality of life
Best to you bloke... This too shall pass
Shannon
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 198
I really needed to read this today. Thank you for posting. I know at times I use new relationships to fill the void of a recently lost relationship. I tell myself I need positive attention, esp after so much negativity i endured with an ex. Partly I think I don't know how to say no when I'm interested in someone.
Originally Posted by GettingBy
Well, nothing wrong with sitting there for a little bit... And letting the hole be. Give yourself some time to heal from the infection and in time the appropriate repair for the hole will come to you. Don't be in a rush to fill the hole back up right away... Or else you may accidentally grab another rotten tooth and end up in pain all over again
Learning to be alone and love myself has been one of the greatest things I've ever done for me. I have been amazed at how much better I feel by NOT getting sucked into every little relationship opportunity that comes my way. Being much more selective has given me a much higher quality of life
Best to you bloke... This too shall pass
Shannon
Learning to be alone and love myself has been one of the greatest things I've ever done for me. I have been amazed at how much better I feel by NOT getting sucked into every little relationship opportunity that comes my way. Being much more selective has given me a much higher quality of life
Best to you bloke... This too shall pass
Shannon
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Posts: 148
JustaBloke...the last time I spoke to one of my alcoholics (ex-fiance, in "recovery" for < 1 yr) he screamed: "NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! NEVER EMAIL! NEVER TEXT! NEVER! I NEVER WANT TO HEAR FROM YOU AGAIN!!!"
A minute later it turned into: "NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! NEVER EMAIL OR CALL OR TEXT...NOTHING...UNTIL...UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO COME HOME AND SPEND THE **REST** OF YOUR **LIFE** WITH ME!!!!!!!!!"
It was horrible. That was 4 weeks ago. I have respected his "boundary" and made zero contact and have no intention of breaking it.
Like you, its been a roller coaster.
He works his program...he does better...we reconnect...he slides...it explodes.
But what I'm starting to learn is that very often, alcoholism came "with company." Specifically, a personality disorder.
They're is a reason that have addictive personalities...there is a "root" somewhere.
I truly believe, in my ex's case, that he suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. He has all the symptoms.
Understanding this...hurts more. Because I thought that taking away the booze would make everything wonderful. Now I see that its just the tip of the iceberg.
Maybe something like this is also the case in your situation.
I can't tell you how much pain those words...the "NEVER!!"...caused me.
Its abrupt. Its angry. Its cruel.
I SO badly want to write him an email EXPLAINING why he's WRONG about...well..EVERYTHING. Why HE is the one who causes the pain. Why HE has the issues.
And then I realize I'm not on my side of the street...so I never write it or send it.
I also realize until he is deep in therapy for the personality disorder...even if I am a SAINT...even if I give him EVERYTHING he wants...I will ALWAYS fall short.
That's a horrible feeling.
Please know that you are not alone.
I feel this same pain every day as well.
Thank you for sharing.
A minute later it turned into: "NEVER CONTACT ME AGAIN! NEVER EMAIL OR CALL OR TEXT...NOTHING...UNTIL...UNTIL YOU ARE READY TO COME HOME AND SPEND THE **REST** OF YOUR **LIFE** WITH ME!!!!!!!!!"
It was horrible. That was 4 weeks ago. I have respected his "boundary" and made zero contact and have no intention of breaking it.
Like you, its been a roller coaster.
He works his program...he does better...we reconnect...he slides...it explodes.
But what I'm starting to learn is that very often, alcoholism came "with company." Specifically, a personality disorder.
They're is a reason that have addictive personalities...there is a "root" somewhere.
I truly believe, in my ex's case, that he suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder. He has all the symptoms.
Understanding this...hurts more. Because I thought that taking away the booze would make everything wonderful. Now I see that its just the tip of the iceberg.
Maybe something like this is also the case in your situation.
I can't tell you how much pain those words...the "NEVER!!"...caused me.
Its abrupt. Its angry. Its cruel.
I SO badly want to write him an email EXPLAINING why he's WRONG about...well..EVERYTHING. Why HE is the one who causes the pain. Why HE has the issues.
And then I realize I'm not on my side of the street...so I never write it or send it.
I also realize until he is deep in therapy for the personality disorder...even if I am a SAINT...even if I give him EVERYTHING he wants...I will ALWAYS fall short.
That's a horrible feeling.
Please know that you are not alone.
I feel this same pain every day as well.
Thank you for sharing.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
Originally Posted by RedCandle
Now I see that its just the tip of the iceberg.
I wish you a bon voyage!
Yours truly I & the kids are,
Titanic - I'm sure you can figure out why!
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Midlands
Posts: 201
Hi JustaBloke,
Sorry to read your story and experiences.
My ex sounds kind of similar to yours.
Especially with the sudden cut off and the birthday story.
I remember on my 25th birthday we had a great night out, and i had to go home alone while he stayed out partying with 'the boys', he eventually arrived about 10am in a BAD MOOD with someone. Proceeded to then tell me i was a terrible person for going to sleep while he was left out partying and that i should have been a good girlfriend by getting out of bed and pandering to his moodiness. He spent the following 8 hours emotionally beating me down to where i couldn't even eat that evening when i went for a meal with family. I was a wreck for my birthday.
Even after he broke up with me out of the blue and cut me off cold turkey, i was desperate for his affection, his love, some kind words from him. ANYTHING!
Codependency is awful as we never think of ourselves, which is what i'm doing now. Spending time with friends i love and care about, friends who make me laugh.
When i'm alone i still miss him like crazy, sometimes i'm angry, but i try my best to look objectively from an outside perspective and think of it as a blessing.
KEEPING BUSY is my trick, and friends of course
Things will get easier, i promise.
Limiya
Sorry to read your story and experiences.
My ex sounds kind of similar to yours.
Especially with the sudden cut off and the birthday story.
I remember on my 25th birthday we had a great night out, and i had to go home alone while he stayed out partying with 'the boys', he eventually arrived about 10am in a BAD MOOD with someone. Proceeded to then tell me i was a terrible person for going to sleep while he was left out partying and that i should have been a good girlfriend by getting out of bed and pandering to his moodiness. He spent the following 8 hours emotionally beating me down to where i couldn't even eat that evening when i went for a meal with family. I was a wreck for my birthday.
Even after he broke up with me out of the blue and cut me off cold turkey, i was desperate for his affection, his love, some kind words from him. ANYTHING!
Codependency is awful as we never think of ourselves, which is what i'm doing now. Spending time with friends i love and care about, friends who make me laugh.
When i'm alone i still miss him like crazy, sometimes i'm angry, but i try my best to look objectively from an outside perspective and think of it as a blessing.
KEEPING BUSY is my trick, and friends of course
Things will get easier, i promise.
Limiya
And Presents For Pretty Girls
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 319
Love the tooth analogy! I have to imagine that tooth as the most rotten thing to be in my mouth ever. It's black, it's decayed and extremely nasty! When it's in my mouth I feel bad, I look bad and my mouth smells funny. But, when it's gone, that new tooth that's going in there is going to be beautiful. And, I'm going to feel wonderful when I see it.
I also liked what you said here:
As for equality..Here is why I’m scared… I’ve been in a few normal relationships where we were equals… and I NEVER felt anything like what I felt when I was with this woman. It was so powerful. She would make me laugh like never before. It was love to me. Was it just the perfect mix of attraction and co-dependency? Was there not enough love in my past normal relationships? Is everything I’m attracted to wrong because of my co-dependancy. Ugh.. these are the questions I struggle with.
I was married for a long time to a normal, every day guy. And, he bored me to death. I had 2 affairs that I have claimed to have never felt such a strong attraction or feelings with, very similar to the xabf.
I am hooked on the adrenaline of those types of relationships. My therapist once told me I needed to find someone very unique and interesting, someone who would keep me on my toes - but without the drama and issues affairs and relationships with A's have.
These relationships are very powerful. They are addicting. They are constantly changing and there is very seldom a moment where you feel calm and serene because you don't know what's going to happen next.
And, the A's are very attractive to the fixers. I was determined I was not going to help xabf with his recovery. It was something he had to do himself.
But, for me, the promise and hope that he could be who I wanted him to be was huge. I can't tell you how many breakups my exabf and I had and he came back with promises of less drinking, partying, would be more of a family guy, would even go to places I liked that he didn't.
That little bit of hope is damaging to co-dependents because we latch right back on believing the best and that we can now jump in and help them make their changes.
I also liked what you said here:
As for equality..Here is why I’m scared… I’ve been in a few normal relationships where we were equals… and I NEVER felt anything like what I felt when I was with this woman. It was so powerful. She would make me laugh like never before. It was love to me. Was it just the perfect mix of attraction and co-dependency? Was there not enough love in my past normal relationships? Is everything I’m attracted to wrong because of my co-dependancy. Ugh.. these are the questions I struggle with.
I was married for a long time to a normal, every day guy. And, he bored me to death. I had 2 affairs that I have claimed to have never felt such a strong attraction or feelings with, very similar to the xabf.
I am hooked on the adrenaline of those types of relationships. My therapist once told me I needed to find someone very unique and interesting, someone who would keep me on my toes - but without the drama and issues affairs and relationships with A's have.
These relationships are very powerful. They are addicting. They are constantly changing and there is very seldom a moment where you feel calm and serene because you don't know what's going to happen next.
And, the A's are very attractive to the fixers. I was determined I was not going to help xabf with his recovery. It was something he had to do himself.
But, for me, the promise and hope that he could be who I wanted him to be was huge. I can't tell you how many breakups my exabf and I had and he came back with promises of less drinking, partying, would be more of a family guy, would even go to places I liked that he didn't.
That little bit of hope is damaging to co-dependents because we latch right back on believing the best and that we can now jump in and help them make their changes.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Your relationship wiith this woman was unbalanced, alcoholism aside! She knew she had the upper hand, and she considered you weak because of it. This woman is obviously a 'toughy' and not a 'lady'. You were attracted to that. You liked her toughness. She was no needy girl, no waiflower. Maybe you've dated mostly 'nice' girls, and liked the change.
With the attractiveness of her forceful personality, along with that came the nasty side.
Most of the above I think you know already on some level.
Inequality, and imbalance of power in relationships is always a red flag.
Are you going to delete that text asking how she is doing? After what she did to you on your birthday?
"Beat me" said the masochist. "NO!" said the sadist.
With the attractiveness of her forceful personality, along with that came the nasty side.
Most of the above I think you know already on some level.
Inequality, and imbalance of power in relationships is always a red flag.
Are you going to delete that text asking how she is doing? After what she did to you on your birthday?
"Beat me" said the masochist. "NO!" said the sadist.
Iceberg Ahead!
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Out at Sea
Posts: 1,177
The Iceberg Theory.jpg
The addict may switch or add addictions (if available) as he or she feels like.
The addict may switch or add addictions (if available) as he or she feels like.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Analogies
Originally Posted by Learn2Live
I like the rotten tooth analogy.
I don't remember who said it, but I would start to feel a POWERFUL attraction to emotionally absent alcoholic abuser. Looking back, I think it was fear that kept me there, the never ending chaos that I understood about life so far.
Now, I think when I feel that pull to the crazies, nope, not again. Played that game too many times. Just different people playing the same roles over and over again.
I want to feel safe around my man, not nervous and watching for every eye twitch. No low hum of electricity waiting to spark. Wow, that memory was intense. Time for some therapy.
everyone. for all your help.
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