Anon12

How do you come to terms with the good years, when drinking wasn't an issue, or at least didn't seem an issue? How do you find a way to not write off the whole relationship and feel like it was a waste? I'm struggling with that and feeling sad.

My XABF behaved very badly last week. I was very reasonable about plans I was making to sell the car we share. Long story but I took out a loan to pay for it on the understanding he would pay repayments. He did but since we split up, he had an accident and was charged with failing to provide a specimen. He had a hearing this month and pleaded not guilty and there is a trial now in November.

I have been more than reasonable about it but long story short, I have taken back the car and am making plans to sell it to pay off the loan. It's a tie between us I don't want and I want to protect my liability as he is giving me no guarantees. Anyway, in having a conversation he requested about this, he turned it around and said everything was on my terms and how it was unfair, etc. etc. Really childish, selfish behaviour. I ended the call and the next day, came the apologetic text saying he cared and didn't want me to be upset.

I ignored it and at the weekend emailed him my terms - I sell the car to him within 14 days in return for the debt paid off or if he can't afford it, I sell it to a third party to pay off the debt. I also told him exactly how 'upset' his behaviour made me feel, especially after how I've loved him, supported him and helped him, without question. I told him I didn't want to speak to him on the phone. I wouldn't chase him for a response, he had 14 days.

So he replies to say thank you and how I am a great woman, we had something special and he's sorry for what's happened, sorry I am hurt. Note how his 'apology' doesn't take responsibilty for who caused the hurt, for what 'happened'.

I am coming to the realisation that he isn't the person I want him to be, he isn't capable of being in the relationship that I want, that I deserve. But it hurt so much to see that side of him, hear the selfishness. It's made me question our whole relationship. The three or four years when things were good, we were happy. I know it will help in the long run, it's helped me be angry this week at him but I'm now just feeling sad. How do you come to terms with the bad and not throw out the good when moving on?

Thanks for reading.

Learn2Live

Jeez Anon12, your story sounds a lot like mine. I paid off a very large bill for my XABF, and lord knows whether or not I'll ever see that money. How stupid I was to do that. I also am on the title to his car and want to go get it and sell it but I can't without his signature. And yes, he is also childish in his thinking and his words. It's like dealing with a 13 year old. And I realize he has been that way this whole time; I just didn't see it.

As for coming to terms with the bad without throwing out the good, I'm not sure how you do that. With time, when you no longer care, I think it will happen. I think also by focusing on yourself and whatever lesson you have learned throughout this whole ordeal, or whatever lesson you need to learn about yourself. By focusing on the present moment, instead of the past. What is past, is past. You can't bring it back. What you're dealing with now is reality, yes?

Tuffgirl

Ditto with me too. I work on coming to terms with it all every day. A few days ago I caught myself saying to someone that this was my biggest life mistake and no good came out of this relationship with the stbx. But ya know, afterwards, I realized that was not true, and there was a lot of good that came out of this. I made amends to myself (LOL!) and posted things I had learned here at SR, in the stories of recovery forum. It really helped to lay it all out like that...instead of focusing on the bad things, the losses, the money gone and never to be recouped, the harsh words, blame, etc...I instead listed all the things I had learned. And it dawned on me that this is the lesson. I did change in good ways through this painful life lesson.

Katiekate

A relationship with an alcoholic is very costly.

MsPINKAcres

For me - I would have never gotten into recovery if it hadn't been for my exah ~

now almost 9 yrs in Al-Anon and 4 yrs divorced from him - I can say I am grateful for the marriage and grateful he was in my life - because the pain forced me to find a better way ~ and I am a healthier better person ~

whether he knows it or not - he did give me a gift - my life back

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Alucard

Yes it is. I filed today and will get her served this weekend. (Another 137 bucks) no big deal there, but when I think of all the people who's time I wasted who I called favors in to, who wanted to help US as a couple, my sis and bro in law who offered their place for our reception party, and all the preparation they did (My soon to be exaw refused it, after getting her $%it called by my folks (How DARE they question my drinking!!!) They questioned it after seeing her $%itfaced at 1 in the afternoon on a particularly ugly and sad 4th of July bbq. And through this all she did was drink, and drink and drink.....her life was depressing, at least it was to me. As I slowly came to terms with the sad fact that she was NOT the fantasy woman I had imagined in my mind, but instead a pathetic alcoholic, who's entire life had been turned topsy turvy by her own addictions. We were not going to grow old together, vacation together, ride together or any of that....instead, she was going to drink 9-16 drinks daily, continue to have her health crumble, and have her legal problems intensify, on a daily basis. She is last stages now.....all the social and legal stuff are there, and the heath stuff is happening now, the ulcers the nausea, the tremors the extended stomach.... Final stages are cirohssis, vomiting blood, loss of control of bowel and bladder, jaundice, water in the brain, dementia and finally, death. If she doesnt stop, by my estimations, 5 years of drinking 9-16 daily and it will be the latter. Again the sense of impending doom.

LaTeeDa

This. For me, too.

As with any experience in life, all that matters is what you do with it. You can learn, grow, change and progress, or life will be happy to show you the lesson AGAIN.

L

dollydo

I can only speak for myself..the time I spent with my exabf was a total waste of time
and money. Plain and simple, he was and is a loser.

lillamy

Yeah. That.

I've tried to make it fit neatly. It doesn't. I think we want stories to be coherent and make sense and fit. My marriage doesn't. It's like a movie that doesn't know which genre it wants to be. It started as a romantic chick movie, turned into a drama, and then into a horror movie. It was all of those things. There were moments of great fun, there were moments of beauty, there were moments where I felt love, regardless of what he felt. And then there was the ugliness and terror.

It doesn't make sense. And that's OK. It can be that way.

Alucard

Bravo and Ditto.

outonalimb

(((lillamy)))...i just love this. :rotfxko so dang true!! The final year or so looked just like the exorcist...

I've been thinking alot lately...about what 'lessons' i can take away from my time spent an addiction-laden marriage. I learned alot of things...

1. I learned that addiction is a disease...a horrible, horrible, horrible disease and no amount of love, compassion, sacrifice or pity can cure it. This is a sad lesson but an important lesson because it allows me to have compassion instead of hatred for my exah and all those who suffer from this disease of mind, body and spirit.

2. I learned that I'm very resourceful and resiliant. I've been through things others could never imagine...and yet, here I am...still standing...still smiling...still loving...and still hopeful that better days lie ahead. Addiction didn't break my spirit. I'm grateful. Codependence kills people...it's just called other things like hypertension, heart disease, depression, etc etc etc.

3. I got a whole new and stronger relationship with my HP. He and I are pretty close now. He's not just some distant far-off being in the sky. That's pretty cool.

4. I got to give my son a first-hand, close-up lesson about what it means to take control of your life and your circumstances. I taught him that you're only a victim in this life as long as you choose to be. He's in al ateen now and he's learning all kinds of great life skills and tools he'd never have learned without alcoholism touching our life as it has.

5. I've learned who my true friends are. There have been some real surprised along the way on this one.

I could go on and on. There have been LOTS of lessons...we don't have to look very hard to find them. Somedays its just hard to see them through the grief, I think.

Hugs...
Mary

lillamy

Yeah, apart from the green vomit. I don't think we had green vomit.

Argnotthisagain

I met mine online, 5 years ago and "Plain and Simple" was his opening line. He wanted a long term relationship, someone to grow old with.

He left out the important bits.....you alllllll know what those are!

I'm having a rough day today, and seeing this reminder kind of jangles me.

I don't want to go so far as to say he was and is a loser. But the fantasy of him being what he USED to be, but was now too physically beat up to do--so that all that was left was the drinking and stories and building, fixing things around here, to the point of compulsion.......

I had this little voice that would intrude sometimes, saying, "he's a washed up drunk"...and then I would say, "Shush!! shut up!! I love him!"

Oy. Vey.

Learn2Live

Please describe more. Because XABF would obsessively put things away, and work around the house, at a million miles an hour. I think he was on cocaine or something IDK.

ZiggyB

I've been having a lot of similar feelings/thoughts. I saw the warning signs when I went in and chose to ignore them, loved him anyway like a dope. I try to just remember the positive experiences that we did have and not to be bitter about the whole thing, that only hurts me in the end. Nothing you can do will erase the past. Still, everytime I think about him I still feel like I am having an anxiety attack.

Argnotthisagain

Hi L2L---I missed that you replied to me.....not obvious on this site when you have a reply....

Well, I always thought it was a way to avoid feelings. I tend to be opposite--sit around and think a lot, make myself miserable then can't DO ANYthing. So, I assume the opposite thing is going on--also, he would be in the garage, or the barn or outside, avoiding me to do his drinking.

IDK

Learn2Live

I guess whether or not AXBF was doing cocaine or anything else for that matter doesn't really matter. The fact that he was just not there for me is what matters. His entire family believes him when he tells them he is not drinking or doing any drugs, but I know better. Thank you for the reply.

Argnotthisagain

I just thought of another psychological motivation that was probably going on for him---he had always been a hard laborer, and rather elite, it was a BIG part of his identity--as a special ops Marine, later a deep diver and then in construction.

So, busting his ass around the house was a way to make up for not being able to find work out there in the boondocks and contribute to the household. Feel better about himself, hold on to an identity....you know? I'm assuming......

Cyranoak

...but none the less it has already happened, I can't change the past, so I have to deal with it as I deal with all other things I can't change which is to just let it go. Alanon has helped with that a great deal.

It comes back every once in awhile, but every time I let it go it takes a little longer to do so.

Also, as many others have posted here in the past, the lessons I learned from it are invaluable, and I don't know that I could have learned them any other way.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Trilogy

I can so totally relate to the compulsive work thing- needing to feel productive to avoid feeling anything. I remember my AH telling our daughters that he is not an emotional guy, like he doesn't cry when the dog dies, as if that's something to be proud of. I remember thinking "how sad". I like the horror movie comparison, too- it's truly like they become posessed. The demons have taken over the body of the person you remember having the good times with. This thing is not my husband. I am grieving the loss of my husband as if he has died. But now I am left to try to sort out legal and financial matters with this thing. I find it so difficult when I need to interact with him- it is so much easier to be NC, but loose ends need to be tied.