D-day is approaching
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
D-day is approaching
So, I am supposed to give my 30 day notice on the 1st of August, and I am really ready to do this. I am not afraid of the consequences anymore. I can't take the emotional or verbal abuse anymore. I can't take the loneliness anymore. I will be around for support over the next couple of weeks, so I can just get this already. I am ready to move on.
I told A last night that I did not love him anymore, that I didn't want to continue to have a relationship with him anymore and that I didn't give a rat's a** if he took up with a new girlfriend. Certainly not the kind of "relationship" I ever envisioned for myself. I am ready to be done with it all. Just finished. He hasn't slowed down on his drinking at all, he just seems to enjoy it so much and it is so disgusting to me. He called me selfish for wanting to move on for 'what it would do to our son'. He told me he stayed because he was such a good/loving/compassionate/righteous person. Apparently I just suck, right. It is almost funny.
I told A last night that I did not love him anymore, that I didn't want to continue to have a relationship with him anymore and that I didn't give a rat's a** if he took up with a new girlfriend. Certainly not the kind of "relationship" I ever envisioned for myself. I am ready to be done with it all. Just finished. He hasn't slowed down on his drinking at all, he just seems to enjoy it so much and it is so disgusting to me. He called me selfish for wanting to move on for 'what it would do to our son'. He told me he stayed because he was such a good/loving/compassionate/righteous person. Apparently I just suck, right. It is almost funny.
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
Congratulations! Keep coming here and reading, keep validating yourself and ignore these types of posts
Sorry but this is really getting on my nerves lately. People who challenge others decisions.
Take your time, be strong and keep looking at his actions in the light of your new awakening.
Why wait til the 30th if your that miserable, or is this relationship complicated by being involved in a job together?
Take your time, be strong and keep looking at his actions in the light of your new awakening.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
Sending you support chronsweet.
The crap that comes out of an active alkie's mouth is surreal. I can remember thinking my gosh, you are kidding. If it was not so sad and twisted, it would be somewhat humorous. The great illusion they choose to live in just blows me away.
Keep the focus on yourself. We will be here with you.
The crap that comes out of an active alkie's mouth is surreal. I can remember thinking my gosh, you are kidding. If it was not so sad and twisted, it would be somewhat humorous. The great illusion they choose to live in just blows me away.
Keep the focus on yourself. We will be here with you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 427
Its always what WE are doing to our kids, isn't it?
Nevermind their constant moodswings, passing out, forgetfulness, screaming and whatever else, due to their drinking.
Precious, aren't they?
Good for you. It's almost time to begin your new life and I am so excited for you!
Nevermind their constant moodswings, passing out, forgetfulness, screaming and whatever else, due to their drinking.
Precious, aren't they?
Good for you. It's almost time to begin your new life and I am so excited for you!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
good for you chronsweet.
I am also entirely responsible for the break-up of my marriage, the damage done to our children, any conflict between ex and his parents, any conflict between ex and anyone, the credit crunch, global warming and interstellar wars at the edge of the known universe.
I am very, very powerful. who knew?
Of course now that I know I have this awesome power I'm trying to work out what my next project should be: tsunami centred on ex's appartment or world peace? decisions, decisions.
what are you going to do with your amazing power?
I am also entirely responsible for the break-up of my marriage, the damage done to our children, any conflict between ex and his parents, any conflict between ex and anyone, the credit crunch, global warming and interstellar wars at the edge of the known universe.
I am very, very powerful. who knew?
Of course now that I know I have this awesome power I'm trying to work out what my next project should be: tsunami centred on ex's appartment or world peace? decisions, decisions.
what are you going to do with your amazing power?
I Love Who I Am
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Midwest
Posts: 3,210
I am also entirely responsible for the break-up of my marriage, the damage done to our children, any conflict between ex and his parents, any conflict between ex and anyone, the credit crunch, global warming and interstellar wars at the edge of the known universe.
I am very, very powerful. who knew?
Of course now that I know I have this awesome power I'm trying to work out what my next project should be: tsunami centred on ex's appartment or world peace? decisions, decisions.
what are you going to do with your amazing power?
I am very, very powerful. who knew?
Of course now that I know I have this awesome power I'm trying to work out what my next project should be: tsunami centred on ex's appartment or world peace? decisions, decisions.
what are you going to do with your amazing power?
But somewhere deep down, that still rings true. Thanks Dad and Mom. I'll be working the rest of my life to counter your abuse.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Chronsweet - hang in there. Read read read all the validating material you can get your hands on.
I to0 destroyed my marriage, ruined our family, did not love my kids, was horrible yada yada yada. The words cut like a knife even when I knew they were not true. Read read read, post for support, develop some very good strategies to mentally refuse his verbal weapons, and it also helped me to have some 'loops' that I could run through in my head that could replace the negative loops that I planted and he watered.
The next 5 weeks will be rough but focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. I was not prepared for the onslaught. You are not obligated to engage with him. You have the right to say "I do not want to talk about this." "I do not have to listen to this." I did not exercise that right and it is one of my biggest regrets. Lots of damage was done with regards to my kids' emotional health. If he does not respect your rights in this regard give yourself permission to leave sooner.
I to0 destroyed my marriage, ruined our family, did not love my kids, was horrible yada yada yada. The words cut like a knife even when I knew they were not true. Read read read, post for support, develop some very good strategies to mentally refuse his verbal weapons, and it also helped me to have some 'loops' that I could run through in my head that could replace the negative loops that I planted and he watered.
The next 5 weeks will be rough but focus on the light at the end of the tunnel. I was not prepared for the onslaught. You are not obligated to engage with him. You have the right to say "I do not want to talk about this." "I do not have to listen to this." I did not exercise that right and it is one of my biggest regrets. Lots of damage was done with regards to my kids' emotional health. If he does not respect your rights in this regard give yourself permission to leave sooner.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by JenT1968 
good for you chronsweet.
I am also entirely responsible for the break-up of my marriage, the damage done to our children, any conflict between ex and his parents, any conflict between ex and anyone, the credit crunch, global warming and interstellar wars at the edge of the known universe.
I am very, very powerful. who knew?
I am also entirely responsible for the break-up of my marriage, the damage done to our children, any conflict between ex and his parents, any conflict between ex and anyone, the credit crunch, global warming and interstellar wars at the edge of the known universe.
I am very, very powerful. who knew?
Do you have others who can help you move? Help you get settled?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by chronsweet
So, I am supposed to give my 30 day notice on the 1st of August, and I am really ready to do this. I am not afraid of the consequences anymore. I can't take the emotional or verbal abuse anymore. I can't take the loneliness anymore. I will be around for support over the next couple of weeks, so I can just get this already. I am ready to move on.
I told A last night that I did not love him anymore, that I didn't want to continue to have a relationship with him anymore and that I didn't give a rat's a** if he took up with a new girlfriend. Certainly not the kind of "relationship" I ever envisioned for myself. I am ready to be done with it all. Just finished. He hasn't slowed down on his drinking at all, he just seems to enjoy it so much and it is so disgusting to me. He called me selfish for wanting to move on for 'what it would do to our son'. He told me he stayed because he was such a good/loving/compassionate/righteous person. Apparently I just suck, right. It is almost funny.
I told A last night that I did not love him anymore, that I didn't want to continue to have a relationship with him anymore and that I didn't give a rat's a** if he took up with a new girlfriend. Certainly not the kind of "relationship" I ever envisioned for myself. I am ready to be done with it all. Just finished. He hasn't slowed down on his drinking at all, he just seems to enjoy it so much and it is so disgusting to me. He called me selfish for wanting to move on for 'what it would do to our son'. He told me he stayed because he was such a good/loving/compassionate/righteous person. Apparently I just suck, right. It is almost funny.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 237
Good for you - i asked my X to move out nearly two months ago now and I've been sad but I've also been peaceful. You're right, it's so lonely being with someone who drinks. My situation didn't sound half as bad as yours - he didn't drink all the time - but when he did, I felt the loneliest ever.
Despite the fact I still love my X, I feel so much better when I turn my key in the lock, I don't have to worry about what I'll find. Whether he will be up and happy or stressed and ready to drink...
Its a major decision, though, so do it in your own time. Take care.
Despite the fact I still love my X, I feel so much better when I turn my key in the lock, I don't have to worry about what I'll find. Whether he will be up and happy or stressed and ready to drink...
Its a major decision, though, so do it in your own time. Take care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
Okay so D-day approached quicker than thought due to the unstableness and volatility of our situation. On Thursday night, the A unplugged the internet while I was working on my school work and using the internet for entertainment. He couldn't handle that I was pre-occupying myself without engaging with him so he decided it was his role to regulate the internet for me and take the cable so that I couldn't use it at all. This made me very angry and I tried to get him to give it to me. I took his really expensive keyboard and put it in the sink and threatened I was going to put water on it if he didn't give me the cable so I could continue to finish my homework. Instead of just giving me the cable instead he punched me in the stomach and then began choking me from behind for thirty seconds. Once he stopped, I was in shock, I couldn't believe he had just choked me and the thought in my head was that this is the way people die.
For the first time in five years, I had had enough. ENOUGH. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed the three numbers that put him in jail for the night. Of course, his mommy bailed him out the next day and he is out and about doing god knows what and for the first time in five years I don't care. I got the courage to go to the courthouse and get a temporary restraining order, kick out notice and temporary full custody of my child. I will be going to try to get full custody on 8.8.12. I never wanted to have to get full custody of my son as I always just hoped he would see how much we could be a family if he would try to get his drinking under control.
He hasn't been served the papers yet as he was already 'out and about' when the sherriff's came to serve him. It's kind of amazing that I don't even care where he is. I also took the keys to the car that I bought for him and for which he has made no effort to pay me back. His mother and brother are concerned about how he is going to get to work, and he mentioned that he needs to get to work and that I want him to get fired thus am taking the car for him. He said he would 'make payments', but he never pays anyone back any money for anything. Just a bunch of empty, broken promises, for five years. It's not my responsibility to make sure he gets to work, make sure he gets anything done for that matter. Also, why would I want to be responsible for a person who drinks and drives and could possibly injure a person driving a car I own. I am pretty sure I could be responsible.
He texted me yesterday that it didn't matter what he did or does to 'change' that I still hate him. He can't understand that he has never made any attempt to change and that it is impossible to live with this situation for me. I feel broken, lost, sad, mad, bitter, and generally just down most of the time. I don't want to feel like this anymore because my child deserves to have the best of me.
So, SR friends, thank you so much for all your strength, experience and hope because it helped to set me free. I am free. I am free. At last, I am free.
For the first time in five years, I had had enough. ENOUGH. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed the three numbers that put him in jail for the night. Of course, his mommy bailed him out the next day and he is out and about doing god knows what and for the first time in five years I don't care. I got the courage to go to the courthouse and get a temporary restraining order, kick out notice and temporary full custody of my child. I will be going to try to get full custody on 8.8.12. I never wanted to have to get full custody of my son as I always just hoped he would see how much we could be a family if he would try to get his drinking under control.
He hasn't been served the papers yet as he was already 'out and about' when the sherriff's came to serve him. It's kind of amazing that I don't even care where he is. I also took the keys to the car that I bought for him and for which he has made no effort to pay me back. His mother and brother are concerned about how he is going to get to work, and he mentioned that he needs to get to work and that I want him to get fired thus am taking the car for him. He said he would 'make payments', but he never pays anyone back any money for anything. Just a bunch of empty, broken promises, for five years. It's not my responsibility to make sure he gets to work, make sure he gets anything done for that matter. Also, why would I want to be responsible for a person who drinks and drives and could possibly injure a person driving a car I own. I am pretty sure I could be responsible.
He texted me yesterday that it didn't matter what he did or does to 'change' that I still hate him. He can't understand that he has never made any attempt to change and that it is impossible to live with this situation for me. I feel broken, lost, sad, mad, bitter, and generally just down most of the time. I don't want to feel like this anymore because my child deserves to have the best of me.
So, SR friends, thank you so much for all your strength, experience and hope because it helped to set me free. I am free. I am free. At last, I am free.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Good heavens, Chronsweet. But I have to add I am most impressed at the way you handled it. Great job!
Big hugs today. Hang in there, keep your chin up, and stay strong in your resolve. This is no way to live for you or your child. Next time, he could kill you. Who wants to take that chance?
Keep us posted.
Prayers,
~T
Big hugs today. Hang in there, keep your chin up, and stay strong in your resolve. This is no way to live for you or your child. Next time, he could kill you. Who wants to take that chance?
Keep us posted.
Prayers,
~T
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
I don't know why...but the witch on her broom seemed like an appropriate avatar. Your AH and his posse of enabling cohorts will throw all kinds of crap at you and call you a 'witch' or something that rhymes with it. Well dear...wear whatever names they throw at you as a badge of honor!! Let his mom and everyone who is so worried about his wellbeing take over where you have left off. Let THEM worry about how HE's going to get to work if that's their thing. As for you, you just stay on your broomstick and ride as far away as fast as you can with your children in tow. (methaphorically speaking, of course
)You ARE free. You stood up for yourself last night. You showed alot of courage when you picked up that phone and dialed those three little numbers. Good for you. Good for your kids. They need one healthy parent in their corner and they're blessed to have it. So many of us codependents are consumed with OUR disease of codependency that we never escape and our kids are dragged into the depths of hell with us. I don't think I'm overstating the situation at all.
I'm really happy for you. I'm sure you're full of all kinds of emotions. I'm sure they'll come at you in waves as the reality of it all seeks in but hold your head up and keep your eye on the prize...a home full of peace and security and safety for your and your precious children. They are so blessed to have you.
I'm cheering you on...and sending hugs!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 451
So you would think after being choked and arrested for his behavior that the A has blamed me for the incident, i am done with my A. Gosh, I feel free finally. I feel this inner strength looking at my son and knowing I am doing the best thing for him. My A is finally facing the consequences of his actions, with me at least. He is still manipulating his family and that is fine. I don't care. Let them worry and stress about him for another five years. I am d.o.n.e. and have a restraining order, move out order and custody support order to prove it. Now, comes the harder steps of getting permanent protective orders against him and permanent custody and child support. This incident propelled me to get over my fears, to do what is best for my child and myself, to live life again, enjoy the blue skies, enjoy seeing my child smile, and to enjoy a life free from the insanity, the literal insanity.
SR helped me so much to confirm my feelings and to know I wasn't crazy, to recognize A's all say the same thing and lay the blame of responsibility for their actions at the feet of those they hurt and manipulate.
Over the last couple of months, my A had pee'd the bed, pee'd on the vacuum, pee'd in the trash can, pee'd all over the toilet. I had found hidden bottles of alcohol and beer all over the place. He was 'never' drunk and had been telling his mom he quit, and she actually believed him. I now have his brother talking through his mother as her mouthpiece because I have refused to talk to her about the incident. Let them believe what they will, I don't care anymore. I have refused to also talk to my exA as I will not be sucked into the vortex again, ever, ever again.
SR helped me so much to confirm my feelings and to know I wasn't crazy, to recognize A's all say the same thing and lay the blame of responsibility for their actions at the feet of those they hurt and manipulate.
Over the last couple of months, my A had pee'd the bed, pee'd on the vacuum, pee'd in the trash can, pee'd all over the toilet. I had found hidden bottles of alcohol and beer all over the place. He was 'never' drunk and had been telling his mom he quit, and she actually believed him. I now have his brother talking through his mother as her mouthpiece because I have refused to talk to her about the incident. Let them believe what they will, I don't care anymore. I have refused to also talk to my exA as I will not be sucked into the vortex again, ever, ever again.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I got better when I went no contact. Even while still married waiting for the divorce I moved so not to have to be around the abuse. Seperating the assets too- because the x decided to destroy everything one day when I wasn't home.....so anything of value you may want to put away safely somewhere. The car in both our names had to be paid off. Do not be surprised at how crazy he could get. My x took out all the $......and left me with nothing. How the bank let him do that with a joint account is nuts. He did it through the atm. He eventually had to pay me $. I had a good lawyer.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
For the first time in five years, I had had enough. ENOUGH. I grabbed my cell phone and dialed the three numbers that put him in jail for the night. Of course, his mommy bailed him out the next day and he is out and about doing god knows what and for the first time in five years I don't care. I got the courage to go to the courthouse and get a temporary restraining order, kick out notice and temporary full custody of my child. I will be going to try to get full custody on 8.8.12.
WAY TO GO CHRONSWEET!!!!!
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