Scared and sad
 

Hi all

Not sure why I’m posting – I suppose just looking to get some stuff out of my system. I started viewing places last night for me to move to. I am very good at talking the talk, and saying I’m outta there and that, and I’ve got to this point on several occasions over the last couple of years. Viewing houses/apartments, saying I’m interested, and then chickening out at the last minute.

Mentally, this is the closest I’ve ever got to going, but I’m still absolutely petrified. I’m starting to worry if I can afford it, if I’ll be lonely (HA as if I can be any lonelier than I’ve been for the last few years), if it’s going to open a humongous emotional can of worms for me, if my AH will be able to cope, if he’ll lose the plot completely, and even if he’ll survive.

I’m also filled with overwhelming sadness. The reality is kicking in that this is the end of the dream and I just can’t believe it. I’m also so, so sad for AH. He is even more of a lost soul now than ever before. In spite of everything, part of me wants to just hold him and tell him to help himself, and to get better, and to be ok again. He too is petrified, it’s written all over him. I think he knows that I’m planning to go, and he has been panicking, trying to be a good boy, trying to keep reminding me how he adores me and needs me (believe me, I know this is total BS and quacking). But I can’t help feeling so sorry for him that he can’t find it in himself to want to get better.

Finally, to top it all off, it’s my fifth wedding anniversary tomorrow. I have never cared about any of my anniversaries before , but for some reason today this is really getting to me. I suppose it’s because I’m emotional anyway and it’s just one other thing to add to the list of things to be sad about.

Anyway, if you managed to stick with the post, thanks for reading. Just needed to get it all off my chest, and hopefully avoid waterworks at my desk for the day.

Adventure

Adventure :hug:

Yes, when I finally got a place of my own after my now ex moved in with his GF, it was scary for me, too. Even though I knew it was for the best, it still made me very emotional--and that's OK.

Please be good to yourself today!

It's strange how when our heads know what to do our hearts pull us right back in.
It's a huge decision- mind yourself, and all my most positive thoughts going your way

You can do it.
He is a grown man and grown men are able to take care of themselves.
Leap and the net will appear.

I was in the same place on my fifth anniversary.

It is scary, sad, and a whole bunch of other emotions.

For me though it was the only chance of true healing I was going to get (and I suspect give him the opportunity for it too).

(((((((((((Adventure)))))))))))))))

My heart goes out to you.

It sounds like you're grieving the end of your marriage even though you haven't physically left yet or filed for divorce. There's a window of time where we know we can't go back to the way things were but we're scared to step forward into the unknown. Grief is a process. It will run its course in due time. You're as powerless over the grieving process as you are over your AH's drinking. Take extra gentle loving care of yourself. Your grief won't last forever. You'll work your way though it at your own pace and in your own time.

It IS sad. It's sad to know that our loved ones are unwilling or incapable or both of change. But that doesn't mean we can't change. You ARE changing. You ARE growing. Keep looking forward. Better days lie ahead.

Mary

Making the choice to leave was such a scary thing for me. I was paralyzed with fear and guilt and the whole nine yards. It was pointed out to me that not doing anything was a choice too. It was a choice to stay. For some reason that helped me take the next step. I was making a choice one way or another, I was going to make the one I wanted and needed ya know?

You don't have to have it all figured out. You can make mistakes, you can change your mind. Just do the next right thing for yourself.

(((Adventure))))

Of course it's scary. We forget why we are leaving when it's time to go. I don't know why.

Lots of what ifs, I can so relate to that.

One second at a time today.

lots of love Katie

Adventure,

I can hear the pain and sadness in your post.
I was like you except I was at my 10 year anniversary and 4 weeks after that, I made him leave.
6 years previously a good friend of mine asked me where I though I would be in 5 years time...I replied " probably in the same place" and I was.
I felt ALL those things you mentioned, fear & Guilt especially....but I didn't want to spend another 5 years wishing I had made a different choice.
Be gentle with yourself....what you are contimplating is a huge decision.

Sending you positive thoughts and BIG HUGS
M.

I’ve been afraid to read your replies for fear of the tears, and I was right, they came. It’s not taking much today mind you, anyone being nice to me is enough to tip me over the edge!

I can’t thank you all enough for taking the time to reply and for your incredibly kind, thoughtful and helpful words. I did a lot of grieving for my AH a few years ago, when I would walk the country roads with tears streaming (on the plus side I was never as slim or as fit!!). However I know I still have much grieving to do about my hopes and dreams and our plans together.

At my meeting last night, the theme was Courage – so appropriate for me at the moment. A woman spoke about how her sponsor used to always tell her to say to herself “I will be alright”. I have this going around my head non-stop at the moment, and will keep doing it until I fully believe it. I need to get more “into” Al Anon and the steps, I guess find myself a sponsor (no idea how to do this), and keep learning more from those who have been around longer.

I have booked a massage and other treatments for myself for tomorrow evening. It will give me something to look forward to, and will hopefully help me relax.

Thank you again so much. Would be very much lost without SR these days – so many incredible people here to keep me going.

Adventure

This is what happened to me yesterday. First thing in the morning someone told me how concerned they were about me because I was not bouncing back, hugged me long and sincerely, and told me they really cared about me. I cried all effing day.

I understand this: my grandmother hugged me hard the other day and held on for longer than usual and whispered in my ear that she loves me dearly and wants what's best for me. This happened after I shared with her what was going on in my marriage and what AH has put us through this past year. She didn't give advice but she gave me her love and that nearly sent me over the edge!

This is so good. I have been trying to make an appointment to do the same. One thing that is also helping me today is to keep thinking about what makes me strong and trying to regain those things day by day. Here are some things that make me strong:
1. Having a clean house with clean floors.
2. Having all my laundry done and put away in good order.
3. Having the kitchen and bathrooms clean, counters clear of clutter.
4. Having a daily and weekly routine and schedule for getting to work on time, getting enough sleep, and managing my household chores.
5. Yoga, Warrior pose in particular.
6. Reading the Bible and having a relationship with my Higher Power, whom I choose to be God.
7. Being able to focus and do a professional job at work.
8. Going to Al-Anon and AA where I find acceptance, welcome, honesty, sharing, understanding, and support.
9. Doing manual labor in my yard.
10. Wearing my yard boots.
11. Remembering my accomplishments, all the good that I do and have done, and how far I have come.
12. Helping others.
13. Sharing my perspectives with the hope that just one thing I share helps someone else.
14. Being grateful for all that I have. Remembering there are so many people who have it much, much worse than I do.
15. Finding and seeing the good in other people.

What makes you strong?

I'll work on my list - such a good idea.

Thanks
Adventure

Ok, this story strikes a chord with me only because I've had to do this numerous times in relation to camping, LOL! Too bad I'm not yet ready to do this in my relationships in life. Maybe I don't see the threat as so imminent as when my tent was flooding beneath me?

Thank you for this analogy, Anvil.

Sounds like camping in Ireland anvilhead. It's one of the worst/wettest summers here ever, and that's saying a lot as any of you that have been to Ireland will know.

Thank you so much - every word you say is true.

Adventure

I went through exactly what you are going through. The funny thing is I reached the point where I didn't even have to think about it. I knew, no doubts, that it was time to leave. At that point you couldn't pay me to stay.

I was still afraid and still had guilt but the doubts were gone. I had finally reached the point where the pain of leaving was less than the pain of staying.

After I left it took me almost a year before I was ready to file for divorce.

So have compassion on yourself. You'll know when it's time to leave.

Your friend,

same place at year 10
 

I am now in yr 27 of this up and down cycle. It has not all been bad and have had alot of good. I was scared since I had 2 young boys and was not working or only working part time. Now I have a full time job the boys are 19 and 22 and I have been in counseling for a year. It is long past overdue but I now feel ready. I asked my AH to leave last Nov and he did. He did not drink for 4 months but as soon as we started Marriage counseling he started again. Not sure he gets it yet but I have not had any contact with him for the last week and a half since our last counseling session after which he said he had to quit on his own terms. Please do what you need to do and not let it drag on it only gets worse with time. Sorry if I am rambling just dont want someone else to waste the best years of their life. The Alcoholic will not change until they are ready. You can do this!!!

hang in there, Adventure.

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, and go forward.

Reading your post, I get a sense of the pity you are feeling for your AH. Pity, is not a foundation for a healthy relationship.

Time to be your own best friend. Hugs)))))