So why am I not feeling relief?
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So why am I not feeling relief?
My last relationship lasted on and off for a yr ended 3 months ago.
I didn't want to see him cause I knew I would get weak and get back with him, but we spoke here and there a few times.
He had a bad past (criminal activity), was diagnosed in prison with Anti Social Pers. disorder, pathological liar, cheater only to name a few things.
We started off as friends, I never ever wanted any sort of relationship with him, but after hanging out enough, we did. My judgement was totally off and I feel foolish.
Long story short, he txt me here and there to see how I am. I can tell he's feeling "sad" but he already has a new GF (or had her when he was still with me, who knows) and he always just wants to say hi.
Well I knew today this has to stop. He txt me yesterday and I didn't reply, but today sent an email to finally get closure.
Never wanted to tell him what I truly felt because felt it was pointless to tell anyone with no conscience the truth.
But I knew once I told him how I felt, he would leave me alone for good.
I was very nice, truthful and honest about how I was wrong to be with him, how I needed to move on from this etc....
His reply was rude and hurtful and one small line, but I didn't expect anything more or less.
So why am I sad and not feeling relief this is finally done and over?
Who would want this headache in their life? Who would date such a sick sick person?
It's been 3 months where I have not been lied to, or lost sleep over if and when he was about to cheat. I made a great choice by not seeing him or trying to get him back. so why now, with this final closed door and I sad?
I baffle myself
I didn't want to see him cause I knew I would get weak and get back with him, but we spoke here and there a few times.
He had a bad past (criminal activity), was diagnosed in prison with Anti Social Pers. disorder, pathological liar, cheater only to name a few things.
We started off as friends, I never ever wanted any sort of relationship with him, but after hanging out enough, we did. My judgement was totally off and I feel foolish.
Long story short, he txt me here and there to see how I am. I can tell he's feeling "sad" but he already has a new GF (or had her when he was still with me, who knows) and he always just wants to say hi.
Well I knew today this has to stop. He txt me yesterday and I didn't reply, but today sent an email to finally get closure.
Never wanted to tell him what I truly felt because felt it was pointless to tell anyone with no conscience the truth.
But I knew once I told him how I felt, he would leave me alone for good.
I was very nice, truthful and honest about how I was wrong to be with him, how I needed to move on from this etc....
His reply was rude and hurtful and one small line, but I didn't expect anything more or less.
So why am I sad and not feeling relief this is finally done and over?
Who would want this headache in their life? Who would date such a sick sick person?
It's been 3 months where I have not been lied to, or lost sleep over if and when he was about to cheat. I made a great choice by not seeing him or trying to get him back. so why now, with this final closed door and I sad?
I baffle myself
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Join Date: Jun 2011
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hopefully, it's your final realization that it's really over for good this time.
Sometimes life has that little sting to it.
It's summertime, get outside, get some fresh air, it will help clear your mind.
It's going to get easier. hang in there.
Sometimes life has that little sting to it.
It's summertime, get outside, get some fresh air, it will help clear your mind.
It's going to get easier. hang in there.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
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For me, I know it has something to do with self-worth. But I don't know how it is connected exactly, or what I need to do to increase it. But apparently I choose people who I think I am better than in some way, or who appear to need help that I can provide, because surely they will worship me or not have enough resources, so that they will never leave me. But they always do. I guess that's an abandonment issue, IDK.
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Originally Posted by lillamy 
Because you deserve better. And you were sort of hoping to get some kind of acknowledgement. And you didn't.
But I deserve better and know this, but still no relief
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
For me, I know it has something to do with self-worth. But I don't know how it is connected exactly, or what I need to do to increase it. But apparently I choose people who I think I am better than in some way, or who appear to need help that I can provide, because surely they will worship me or not have enough resources, so that they will never leave me. But they always do. I guess that's an abandonment issue, IDK.
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Originally Posted by marie1960
hopefully, it's your final realization that it's really over for good this time.
Sometimes life has that little sting to it.
It's summertime, get outside, get some fresh air, it will help clear your mind.
It's going to get easier. hang in there.
Sometimes life has that little sting to it.
It's summertime, get outside, get some fresh air, it will help clear your mind.
It's going to get easier. hang in there.
But yes, today there a sting
was in my pool, worked with clients, was at the gym, so I was out. I am always out and about....still stinging though ;-)
To thine own self be true.
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Originally Posted by Summerpeach
I pick them like this also and went through all this train of thought 3 months ago, but I just wonder why I would not feel relief getting this person finally out of my life.
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For me there was relief in no longer living the day to day stress and that came immediately.
The sadness over closing the door on the fantasy I had held about my life and future with him came in stages. Each new thing that drove that point home (house sold, divorce finalized, some communication from him) brought another wave of sadness. I knew intellectually that I made the correct choice and I had accepted the reality but the dream died a slow miserable death none the less.
I had been consumed by that fantasy and it took some time for me to build a new 'interior' - a new vision or framework for who I was. That work helped me move away from the sadness though. I was (and try to be) very careful at looking at the reality of things and not allowing myself to create fantasy's of my future. That is shockingly hard for me. I spend to much time in my head, lol.
The sadness over closing the door on the fantasy I had held about my life and future with him came in stages. Each new thing that drove that point home (house sold, divorce finalized, some communication from him) brought another wave of sadness. I knew intellectually that I made the correct choice and I had accepted the reality but the dream died a slow miserable death none the less.
I had been consumed by that fantasy and it took some time for me to build a new 'interior' - a new vision or framework for who I was. That work helped me move away from the sadness though. I was (and try to be) very careful at looking at the reality of things and not allowing myself to create fantasy's of my future. That is shockingly hard for me. I spend to much time in my head, lol.
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I had to grieve not just this relationship that got me into the doors of Al-Anon and working a different angle of recovery, but in many ways ALL the previous relationships too that had lead up to that point.
My therapist helps to remind me right now that my sporadic bursting into tears is not just about my relationship with my exAH, but all the tears that have been there for so many years that I stuffed down to never feel.
It is about all the times I never did self-care, or created a boundary etc.
That has helped me to keep a lid on beating myself up about the time.
My therapist helps to remind me right now that my sporadic bursting into tears is not just about my relationship with my exAH, but all the tears that have been there for so many years that I stuffed down to never feel.
It is about all the times I never did self-care, or created a boundary etc.
That has helped me to keep a lid on beating myself up about the time.
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Summerpeach - I think we have a fair amount in common, although my ABF hasn't put me through quite as much (yet). You are much stronger than I am. Maybe you feel this way, instead of feeling relieved, because the finality of it is still hard to take? I know you said things were over for good a while ago, but I know that if I do ever cut things off with my ABF permanently, I will probably feel the same as you. You don't want them to respond or anything, yet you feel let down no matter what (if they respond, don't respond, respond "incorrectly", etc). If it were me, I think even on a sub-conscious level I would hope that things would work in the end with my ABF, even though he has caused me so much heartache. I'll get to the point where I think I'm gonna cut him loose, but it just seems so final. I give you props and I know you will feel relief very soon!!
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Originally Posted by Learn2Live
Self-fulfilling prophecy maybe? Maybe it makes you think, "See? Even this sociopathic loser doesn't want me."??? Makes you continue to feel bad about yourself?
He wanted me, he just wanted me to chase him, which I would have never done
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Originally Posted by Thumper
For me there was relief in no longer living the day to day stress and that came immediately.
The sadness over closing the door on the fantasy I had held about my life and future with him came in stages. Each new thing that drove that point home (house sold, divorce finalized, some communication from him) brought another wave of sadness. I knew intellectually that I made the correct choice and I had accepted the reality but the dream died a slow miserable death none the less.
I had been consumed by that fantasy and it took some time for me to build a new 'interior' - a new vision or framework for who I was. That work helped me move away from the sadness though. I was (and try to be) very careful at looking at the reality of things and not allowing myself to create fantasy's of my future. That is shockingly hard for me. I spend to much time in my head, lol.
The sadness over closing the door on the fantasy I had held about my life and future with him came in stages. Each new thing that drove that point home (house sold, divorce finalized, some communication from him) brought another wave of sadness. I knew intellectually that I made the correct choice and I had accepted the reality but the dream died a slow miserable death none the less.
I had been consumed by that fantasy and it took some time for me to build a new 'interior' - a new vision or framework for who I was. That work helped me move away from the sadness though. I was (and try to be) very careful at looking at the reality of things and not allowing myself to create fantasy's of my future. That is shockingly hard for me. I spend to much time in my head, lol.
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Originally Posted by LifeRecovery
I had to grieve not just this relationship that got me into the doors of Al-Anon and working a different angle of recovery, but in many ways ALL the previous relationships too that had lead up to that point.
My therapist helps to remind me right now that my sporadic bursting into tears is not just about my relationship with my exAH, but all the tears that have been there for so many years that I stuffed down to never feel.
It is about all the times I never did self-care, or created a boundary etc.
That has helped me to keep a lid on beating myself up about the time.
My therapist helps to remind me right now that my sporadic bursting into tears is not just about my relationship with my exAH, but all the tears that have been there for so many years that I stuffed down to never feel.
It is about all the times I never did self-care, or created a boundary etc.
That has helped me to keep a lid on beating myself up about the time.
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Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Summerpeach
((((hugs))))
For me the issue is magical thinking. My AW and I were married for 36 years when I finally left. There was and still is a part of me that wants her to admit to her role in this whole thing. There is a desire to here her say "I'm sorry".
Some of the best advice I got here is when you feel the need for closing by all means do ahead and write that letter or email. Whatever you do though just don't send it. Great advice.
I would still like to hear her at least own up but deep down I know that will never happen.
After speaking to my one daughter I have heard that she is saying I am having a midlife crisis. LOL. I guess it was either buy a red convertible or join Al-Anon.
Your friend,
((((hugs))))
For me the issue is magical thinking. My AW and I were married for 36 years when I finally left. There was and still is a part of me that wants her to admit to her role in this whole thing. There is a desire to here her say "I'm sorry".
Some of the best advice I got here is when you feel the need for closing by all means do ahead and write that letter or email. Whatever you do though just don't send it. Great advice.
I would still like to hear her at least own up but deep down I know that will never happen.
After speaking to my one daughter I have heard that she is saying I am having a midlife crisis. LOL. I guess it was either buy a red convertible or join Al-Anon.
Your friend,
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because you felt that telling him how you felt - as well as stopping him contacting you, would feel cathartic somehow? give you closure? - but we get closure form within?
or because secretly part of you wanted him to chase you a bit, not give up so easily (whether you want a relationship or not)?
or because this closes the door finally on any possibility of the relationship continuing and you are sad about that: no matter how "bad" he was for you, there was obviously something that got you in to it and kept you there for a while. However unhealthy or whatever you've decided that is, that relationship partially? fulfilled some sort of need (whilst wholly not fulfilling others) and that is lost now?
only you can work out what best fits what you're thinking.
or because secretly part of you wanted him to chase you a bit, not give up so easily (whether you want a relationship or not)?
or because this closes the door finally on any possibility of the relationship continuing and you are sad about that: no matter how "bad" he was for you, there was obviously something that got you in to it and kept you there for a while. However unhealthy or whatever you've decided that is, that relationship partially? fulfilled some sort of need (whilst wholly not fulfilling others) and that is lost now?
only you can work out what best fits what you're thinking.
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Originally Posted by JenT1968
because you felt that telling him how you felt - as well as stopping him contacting you, would feel cathartic somehow? give you closure? - but we get closure form within?
or because secretly part of you wanted him to chase you a bit, not give up so easily (whether you want a relationship or not)?
or because this closes the door finally on any possibility of the relationship continuing and you are sad about that: no matter how "bad" he was for you, there was obviously something that got you in to it and kept you there for a while. However unhealthy or whatever you've decided that is, that relationship partially? fulfilled some sort of need (whilst wholly not fulfilling others) and that is lost now?
only you can work out what best fits what you're thinking.
or because secretly part of you wanted him to chase you a bit, not give up so easily (whether you want a relationship or not)?
or because this closes the door finally on any possibility of the relationship continuing and you are sad about that: no matter how "bad" he was for you, there was obviously something that got you in to it and kept you there for a while. However unhealthy or whatever you've decided that is, that relationship partially? fulfilled some sort of need (whilst wholly not fulfilling others) and that is lost now?
only you can work out what best fits what you're thinking.
this in a way. I never waned the r/s to continue after the first month of the break up. It was more the wishful thinking that he was somehow an ok guy, when I knew he was the furthest from ok.
I guess since this r/s was so odd and him so screwed up, you would figure anyone who got out of that would say "thank goodness its done"
I on the other hand hate endings, anything so final and just closing any doors.
it's a HUGE character defect of mine.
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Originally Posted by gerryP
For whatever reason you are not feeling relief, maybe the best thing is to just sit with it and accept it as you go about your daily routine. Really delve into the "why" with your therapist.
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