Man I have always been interested in asked me out

Old 07-18-2012, 01:01 PM
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I have been separated for over a year now and haven't even thought about dating. I am enjoying my life way too much right now. Of course I am an old fogey so my experience wouldn't necessarily apply to you younguns.

Your friend,
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:12 PM
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Transform, If you aren't dragging your heels filing for divorce, it would appear to me that you are.
You have been "outta there" for 4 years. In fact, a few weeks ago you were going to the courthouse that Monday to file on legal aid, what happened? Now you are expecting money shortly-will you then file?
I realize venting is good, a real good thing to be able to do, but over the last 4 years it's been a circuitous route you are taking.
I wish you well, but you are moving sideways always, not up and out.
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:24 PM
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I've been single only 3 months and I've been asked out so many times, I lost count.
I turned them all down because I am a mess over the break up, my choices, my past, my life.
I feel like an open sore. I'm not even flattered at all the attention because as soon as men found out I was single, like sharks over meat, they attack!
My ex, well he moved on in like a day, me, I needed months to get over a break up.

I would day, if u at least filed for a D and got a job and was starting to put your life in order, forget your H and go have some fun with this guy, but even if he's the best guy ever, you will mess it up because you are not ready.
Date him when you know it can be a good/lasting thing.
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:30 PM
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I think you're still in love with your husband.
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Old 07-18-2012, 01:41 PM
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I've very conservative in some ways (and this is one of them) so I would never consider dating someone while still married, even if we lived separately.

However - I can totally understand being flattered and day-dreamy about the positive attention -from anyone much less someone you admire/crush on. Take the ego boost!!

I've been divorced for some time now and no one gives me a second glance much less asks me out on a date, lol. I think you are right and that healthy people attract healthy people. Just because this moment in time isn't right for dating doesn't mean there will never be one.

I also think that as healthy people we are attracted to other healthy people. I know in looking back on my dating life (waaaay back - ha!) I was very uncomfortable with the normal healthy guys and felt at ease with the unhealthy ones. I took that sense of ease as attraction and that we were a good fit. I didn't identify that at the time of course but it is clear in hindsight.
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Old 07-18-2012, 02:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I've very conservative in some ways (and this is one of them) so I would never consider dating someone while still married, even if we lived separately.

However - I can totally understand being flattered and day-dreamy about the positive attention -from anyone much less someone you admire/crush on. Take the ego boost!!

I've been divorced for some time now and no one gives me a second glance much less asks me out on a date, lol. I think you are right and that healthy people attract healthy people. Just because this moment in time isn't right for dating doesn't mean there will never be one.

I also think that as healthy people we are attracted to other healthy people. I know in looking back on my dating life (waaaay back - ha!) I was very uncomfortable with the normal healthy guys and felt at ease with the unhealthy ones. I took that sense of ease as attraction and that we were a good fit. I didn't identify that at the time of course but it is clear in hindsight.
explains me right now to a "T"
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Old 07-18-2012, 03:50 PM
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Hey Gerry
Transform, If you aren't dragging your heels filing for divorce, it would appear to me that you are.
You have been "outta there" for 4 years. In fact, a few weeks ago you were going to the courthouse that Monday to file on legal aid, what happened? Now you are expecting money shortly-will you then file?
I realize venting is good, a real good thing to be able to do, but over the last 4 years it's been a circuitous route you are taking.
I wish you well, but you are moving sideways always, not up and out.
Who died and made you the divorce police?
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Old 07-18-2012, 04:36 PM
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LOL You're funny.
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Old 07-18-2012, 04:55 PM
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Everyone has their own threshhold of tolerance. I had one that lasted 4 weeks. I felt then and do now "duped" about the severity of the alcoholism that my soon to be ex AW was dealing with. "I like my beers" was her answer to her chemical dependency issues. But had she told me the truth, "look, the truth is that I need to drink daily to prevent tremors and I cannot stop or I'll get sick, and I need at least an 8 pack a day to just function, and I cannot tolerate solid food, because of my ulcers brought on by the drinking and I still crave vodka, ect, ect ect, there is NO WAY I'd have asked her to marry me. I would have offered to go to the ER with her and hold her hand as she detoxed but she had/has ZERO interest in that. That being that, I'll never be with an alcoholic again, if I see the signs, I'll RUN. If a person decides to stay with their ASignifigant other for whatever reasons, that is a personal choice, I can only speak for myself when I say NO F'n WAY. That is why my meeting with my attorney is tomarrow at 9am.
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Old 07-18-2012, 04:59 PM
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Awww.. that is very sad.
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:07 PM
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Awesome Alucard.

I've met with two lawyers, they're willing to work together to help me get divorced for free, but I still have to come up with the filing fees.

Amazingly, I've been gifted with two new jobs. Now to keep them coming in..

One thing I've seen, and I'm happy to hear others opinions here, especially men, but it seems that men married to A women have a lower tolerance for the BS. They cut loose and they're gone. They grieve, naturally, but it's a much shorter learning curve than I see the women (myself included) go through.

I'm not saying it's good or bad, just something I've observed based solely on the posts here.
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Old 07-18-2012, 05:14 PM
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Originally Posted by transformyself View Post
Awesome Alucard.

I've met with two lawyers, they're willing to work together to help me get divorced for free, but I still have to come up with the filing fees.

Amazingly, I've been gifted with two new jobs. Now to keep them coming in..

One thing I've seen, and I'm happy to hear others opinions here, especially men, but it seems that men married to A women have a lower tolerance for the BS. They cut loose and they're gone. They grieve, naturally, but it's a much shorter learning curve than I see the women (myself included) go through.

I'm not saying it's good or bad, just something I've observed based solely on the posts here.
This is true, especially with me....if I feel a woman is loyal to me, there is nothing I will not do for her, call it enabling, call it co-dependency, but I will give her my last dollar, will fight for her to my last drop of blood, will move heaven and earth to ensure she is happy. But for a woman who chooses another over me, whether male, female or alcohol or a drug, she will get served paperwork by a Deputy.
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Old 07-18-2012, 07:32 PM
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I fail to see the humour, but whatever....

You posted earlier about your fear in being busted-regarding the fact that others see you as capable. I get that. When your personal life is a mess, it's difficult to believe in yourself. Something about walking the talk.
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Old 07-18-2012, 07:48 PM
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Here are the forum rules for posting, again.


Attention FFA Members - Please Read
It’s time to post - again - the right way to be a participating member of SR.

DO's and DON'Ts

Do: Remember how you felt when you first got here. Don't tell other people what they should be doing. Instead, share what YOU did or didn't do and how that worked for you.

Do: Remember that you had to learn your own life lessons in your own time. Don't belittle or degrade or shame someone else. Many people here are already living in a toxic or abusive situation. They hear it enough at home. They don't need to hear it here as well

Do: Post your questions & thoughts. Don't go back and pull up the last 20 posts that another person wrote just to point out to her again what she's doing wrong.

Do: Share from your own experience, strength and hope. Don't take everything personally. If a comment or situation triggers you, think about it. Walk away if you have to. Report the post to the moderators if you must. If we are all sharing from our own experiences and NOT sniping at one another, there won't be so much conflict here.

Do: Share what has helped YOU in your own recovery. Don't presume to know what someone else is thinking or put words in someone else's mouth. Give each person a chance to express themselves freely. Many of us work out our thoughts and plans while we are speaking

Do: Be encouraging and supportive. Don't be mean or insulting ...Do I really have to explain this one?

Do: Be Patient. Don’t put your recovery timetable onto someone else. Each of us does this in our own time, at our own pace.

Do: Express your concern, if necessary, in a kind and gentle manner. Don't repeat yourself over and over again. It doesn't work. It isn't effective with your A's, and it's not effective here. Learn to say what you need to say and say it once, maybe twice. If you say it more than that you're trying to manipulate and control the outcome.

Do: Remember this is a big place with a lot of diverse personalities. As they say in the closing of most Al Anon meetings: Take what you liked and leave the rest. And, take a break, take a walk, take whatever time you need away if you’re tempted to blast or flame someone else for what they wrote. If you’re sharing from your own ESH and not sniping, there won’t be so many conflicts.

Do: Remember to be gentle with yourself and others

DO remember to laugh
. It's OK to have a sense of humor. It's ok to laugh at some of the absurd things going on in your life. Laughing can take away some of the power the situation has over you, and certainly can relieve some of the pain. Don't let the unpleasant circumstances rob you of your joy, or of your ability to laugh.


Do remember that a large majority of people on this forum are currently in physical danger from their addicted / alcoholic partner, even though they don't share that on the forum. Do remember that these people need to feel safe and welcomed -first and foremost- and only after you have earned their trust for many months will they be receptive to suggestions and gentle direction. Don't assume that just because you benefited from tough love that others will also benefit.

We are going to be more proactive in making sure this is a safe and welcoming place for all. We mods will do our part. Thank you for doing your part.

Respectfully,
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Old 07-18-2012, 08:15 PM
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^^^ Seriously Transform? Isn't the posting of the above the Mod's job?

in fact, given your reply to my post re:divorce police, I think you could take a read through yourself.
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