Amber23

I wonder if this is common.

My AH decided to go to AA (which I never thought he would). The catalyst is that he was not hired for a second job hiring, we can't pay the rent, he is acting obsessive, and i am increasingly frustrated with him draining the little money we have left for beer. He has been talking a lot and expressing the need to really be heard and often casts blame on me for not listening better.

So he went to the meeting (which again surprised me) and is excited to continue. He says all the right things and I would have loved to hear these things 3 weeks ago....but now I don't trust it.

He seems to be very excited about AA and he plans to see a therapist and a doctor to get medication to help detox.....

the thing is I don't feel like he has hit bottom and yet he is being so perfectly proactive in his approach. He was adamant about not wanting ANY help etc...beyond adamant...this is a complete 360 after 20 years of drinking.


He is still drinking and continues to say it is a process. He seems to plan to wean himself down with the help of all 3 things. He doesn't want to stop yet so that's one reason I don't think this will work...

My instinct is really sending up red flags. At first I pondered if I needed him to be a drunk so I had an excuse to be angry in life...i wondered if I was afraid of his recovery in some way...i wondered if I was upset I was "wrong" about him getting help and his mother was right in her hopes he would.....

but honestly I just feel like he is lying on some level. I feel like he is trying to say or do the right thing to spare himself embarrassment of not getting the job and to get me off his back and not leave him. I feel like he is looking for his mother to offer money to help with our bills while he takes this wonderful step towards getting better....

I just don't know. Would someone go to such lengths to get people off his back?

it is making me nuts knowing that I should be so happy he took this step and yet I can't fully embrace it yet. I plan to go with it and be supportive and if it works than that will be fantastic.

But I can't get this gut feeling to quiet down.

Fathom

I can 100% relate to your situation. I think what you may be feeling is caution, a not-very-optimistic caution. And, you know, that's justified. He isn't being consistent yet, so it's hard to know where he's going to land. If you let his wavering thoughts influence yours, it will drive you batty. You'll find yourself in an ever-changing state of limbo waiting for him to settle down. You need to ground yourself in your own needs and your own direction. I found that Al-Anon and therapy with someone trained in family dynamics and addiction was really helpful.

This is my experience:
By the time my STBXAH first started being so proactive in his recovery I had already moved out. He had also, just a week prior, sworn that AA was a cult, and that he could wean himself from alcohol without any professional help. In fact, according to him, i was the one who needed to seek help from a counselor. That last point turned out to be true. I thought i was more or less insulated from his roller coaster life because i was just observing his behavior from afar (3 hours away by car and ferry) and sending loving emails whenever he wasnt being an @ss. But, I now realize that I was still putting my life on hold, hoping that soon I would be able to move back home. I was afraid to apply for jobs anywhere away from the small town where he was living (and there were no jobs there). I was listless, directionless, resentful, angry, and extremely skeptical of his claims that his recovery was occurring at such an accelerated pace relative to others in his AA meetings. He was boasting that he was the strong one in the group that could talk people out of drinking, within his first week of going to the meetings. A month later, and he was no longer going to meetings, but was still seeing a therapist. He claimed for a while there that his therapist had run out of things to talk to him about. Like she was just going to shake his hand, 30 days into recovery, and say, "yup, you're really a miraculous case study. It was nice talking with you..."

This is what I finally decided nearly 8 months after the fact:
We each have a choice in what direction we move in life. I'm choosing to live in a more emotionally and financially stable way. It would be nice if he would choose that too, but he isn't right now. In any case, I'm trying really hard to make it happen for me. And, maybe, someday, he'll want that too. I'm no longer holding my breath though.

I guess what I'm saying is that I feel your pain. And, I'm sure many others on this forum do too. Your reaction is completely reasonable given the circumstances. Just try to keep the focus on yourself. That's not selfish, that's self-preservation.

(((hugs)))

Fathom

Learn2Live

I've found that alcoholics and addicts are very inconsistent. They say one thing and do another. They go in one direction and the very next day, switch and go in a completely different direction. They make all sorts of promises and declare all kinds of things. I got to the point where I just had to stop listening. And I had to stop paying so much attention to what they do. Because they are so completely unpredictable that they make your life equally so, chaotic, crazy, ridiculous.

You don't need to support him in any recovery. That is what AA is for. You can't help him and it is not your job to do so. Except in passing, he doesn't need to share the details of his recovery efforts with you.

I suggest taking the focus off the alcoholic and placing it on your self. Have you been to Al-Anon?

sugarbear1

I weaned down to 6 beers a night for over 10 years. That doesn't work for me.

The ER can help him with a 3-day detox.

He's got to be serious about not drinking. AA doesn't work if we are still drinking.

I wish you well,

Jadmack25

I am a bit bewildered. Your AH goes to AA, says he's going to seek other professional help for detox and Recovery.....but hasn't ceased drinking.

Sounds to me like someone drowning who yells for help but won't get out of the water.

I would be cautious at best, about the chances of this turning out well in the long run...in fact I feel it could be merely a 100 yard dash in his drinking career.
I know lots of people with alcohol problems and some of them have tried "cutting down" on their drinking. I don't know of any, not one who has been able to continue drinking without going back to disaster.

Lord, how we all wish it was reality instead of just a pipe dream....like so many ideas we have chucked our way during the crazy boozy years.

painfully

I think it would be truly difficult to work the AA program while still drinking. Admitting he is powerless over alcohol while trying to control his drinking by weaning down seems counterproductive.

However, you are also powerless over alcohol (his drinking, his program).

Learn2Live

Just read thru the thread....
You're not thrilled because you're on the rollercoaster ride from Hell!
Amber, focus on yourself, focus on what you want out of life, focus how you alone are going to accomplish those things. Take the "we" out of your hopes and dreams and replace it with "me." Dream big.

FlyerFan

You don't have to hit bottom to want to change. But perhaps seeing someone else hit bottom or something similar could trigger you to want to stop, at least it did for me anyway.

Gut feelings however are usually pretty instinctive so I would just remain grounded for now and be prepared for anything that may come your away, but you want to make sure you support him going if thats what he says he wants to do. Even if you don't think he's going to take it seriously. Any show of support can only do good.

keepfinding2

Sounds like you need to take some deep breaths and calm down. Things will get better with time.

RedCandle

I'm with Anvil.

With BOTH of my alcoholics...the moment they step into an AA meeting, it's like they expect a statue erected in their honor...and for me to go out every morning and throw rose petals upon its feet.

Don't get me wrong, its better than them NOT going...
However, I think there is a CLEAR difference between the AA members who are going for THEMSELVES...and those who are going to elicit a reaction from their spouse, family, coworker or friend.

One of my biggest mistakes has been NOT listening to my gut feeling.

If you can't quiet that gut feeling down...you might find your answer..by turning up the volume.

miamifella

Your feelings are understandable. I think you probably do want him to hit a hard bottom as punishment for what he has put you through. And if you are still with him, your relationship works on some level with him as a drunk. It may or may not work with him as a sober person.

Now whether or not he is really on the path to recovery or not--who can say? But I think your frank examination of your own mixed feelings and your insight show that you are equipped to handle the situation either way.

Learn2Live

Yeah, just because they go to an AA meeting does not mean they are not still the same selfish, self-absorbed, narcissistic aholes they were before the meeting. Oh, I'm sorry, did that sound judgmental and bitter?? Guess that's my mood today.

FlyerFan

you're totally right. Lol. when I started going to AA I was still the same selfish bitch that I was outside of that room. (this post made me laugh, I thank you for that!)

You have to truly want to really change in order to become a better person. It is so hard for partners and spouses, my boyfriend is not an alcoholic and he is constantly having to compromise with me to suit my recovery needs. But if you stay strong and keep honest open communication it is possible to have a very loving relationship.

Fathom

Sorry. I spaced on the fact that he is still drinking. Of course, you don't believe his sincerity! Don't let him continue the blame-shifting game.

Peace,
Fathom

Amber23

Thanks for the replies!! I really needed to hear some insight!

Earlier we got into a discussion...and it had to do with my "negative" concern he may not find the perfect therapist he is looking for and he may need to adjust or keep trying. Well as the conversation got more complex I was much better at detaching after remembering the words you all have written today.

Thanks for the insight.....and a few chuckles along the way!

This cracked me up
Redcandle"the moment they step into an AA meeting, it's like they expect a statue erected in their honor...and for me to go out every morning and throw rose petals upon its feet."

and Fathom thanks for your words too!

breath

I'm an alcoholic; I can relate to this; he's either fooling himself, or has no intention of quitting but is stupid enough to think he's fooling you. It doesn't sound like he's close to admitting the truth to himself and until then it's a waiting game that you may not want to participate in.

Learn2Live

Reminds me of my dad. Somehow they have this radar that picks up when their spouse is getting fed up. Then they make all these waves and call attention to themselves like, "See!! I'm doing all this great crap to get sober!" fix stuff around the house, get sober for a couple days, you start to doubt yourself, get your hopes up, then WHAM! They go back to drinking at the same pace as before. They will fool you time and again and that is what they want, in order to keep you in the game, enabling them to continue to live their sorry a$$ lives.

JenT1968

LOL: you are not thrilled because whilst going to one's first AA meeting can be a positive step in the right direction for some people, it means exactly diddly-squat has changed for right now, and you are not someone who bases their feelings on the intentions and fine-words of others.

time will tell if this translates to something that you feel moves you from "completely distrustful" to "reserving judgement" to "quietly optimistic" to "things are fine right now thank you".

good for him for taking that step, but I imagine there's a whole heap more to take before you feel safe in trusting the direction: and that's fine, he'll either do it, or not, and how you feel right now will not impact that.

Justfor1

My experience has been that there is a small percentage of those who attend AA that have no desire to stop drinking 100%. They only want to reduce the amount they consume & stop the consequences from happening. Sadly, they cannot reduce & end up right back where they are.

Amber23

I thought I would clarify that I don't want him to hit bottom as punishment....i am past that stage of anger.....and I know his bottom is mine also! Being married with a child and little income and little support....

I think I expected more of a catalyst for his sudden turnaround....maybe then I would have more faith in it.

He is still going to AA and saying all the right things.....but still drinking, although maybe...maybe a little less.

I think that talking to other people has been a huge help for his head....so this is good.....but still this bumpy ride ain't far from over!

"But I think your frank examination of your own mixed feelings and your insight show that you are equipped to handle the situation either way."

thanks for that miamifella! That was a really insightful positive thing to say. I appreciate it a lot!