Courage to Change
 

Greetings Everyone :)

For the past week and a half, I have been isolating myself from everyone and just going through the motions. My feelings have been hurt from one of my friends completely abandoning me for no apparent reason. I really did not want to process those emotions. I really suppressed my emotions and sad feelings for a couple of reasons.

1.) I knew that eventually I would be just fine. I figured if I just let it go and just tried to be happy...the sad feelings would go away.

2.) I did not want to burden anyone with my sad/gloomy feelings. I also couldn't quite figure out where the blues came from. It took a lot of processing to figure it out.

3.) I was scared to use my Al-Anon phone list. For those of you who have not attended a F2F, we all get a list of phone numbers that we can call when we are not in a meeting and we need support.

~~~~~~~~~

Today I *finally* broke out of my shell. I cried tears I did not even know I needed to cry. First thing in the morning I saw my counselor. I was trying to be all stoic and emotionless. And I managed to do so up until the end of the session. Ah, but she knows me oh too well, and I suspect I am not really all that awesome at being stoic and emotionless. So, she hugged me and told me I would be okay. And I am not sure where the hell it came from but huge body cringing sobs came out. My whole body cried. I didn't even know that I needed that release.

So, the session ended and I told her I would call my sponsor. I called my sponsor, she picked me up, and we headed to a bakery. I had some yummy comfort food. I talked about my emotions and how I've been suppressing them. Let out some more tears, had some comfort food and chai tea. My sponsor really helped me to stop judging my emotions and just feel them. That things were going to be okay and I didn't have to do so much work to try and be okay. She reminded me, like always, to stay in the present moment. That everything is actually okay right now. She also reminded me that I have come a long way and I am on the right path.

We wrapped up our talk and headed to the 12:00 meeting. After the traditional opening and the readings of the ODAT (One Day at a Time) books, I brought my topic up. (Again, for those who have not attended a meeting, after the opening, if there are no newcomers, and it is not a step meeting where we work through the steps, anyone may bring a topic of their choosing up to get feedback on an issue they may or may not be having.) I told everyone that I have been isolating and I need encouragement to use the phone list. I started crying...again. After hearing all the loving encouragement at the end of the meeting I cried through the closing and then I boohoo sobbed again. I just needed to let it out and in that room with those people I am safe to do so. In that room I do not have to be ashamed of my emotions. It is a healthy and safe place to release. I am so glad I went.

~~~~~~~~

Today, I had the courage to change. I had the courage to reach out and receive the kind of love and support I needed and deserved. Up until today, I was holding back because reaching out has been so traumatic for me in the past. I never had safe people I can really reach out to before. It feels good to have Al-Anon as my resource and my home base. Now, I am learning to trust in the program and I am learning to let it work for me.

See, growing up in a household of alcoholics, there was no safe place to let out feelings and be nurtured. There was no safe place to vent and have someone listen to me. Leaving that household, I took my lack of security with me. I had no boundaries and I did not understand what safe people look like or what healthy sharing is like.

Now I have the courage to change that initial programming. I have the courage to reach out in a healthy way and be *acknowledged.* At Al-Anon, I am a person who deserves to be supported and nurtured. At Al-Anon, I have a voice and people not only hear it, but listen. I have the courage to make sure I see my counselor for my scheduled appointments. I have the courage to change my early programming, to let go of my unhealthy ways prior to seeking help, and I have to courage to change by embracing what Al-Anon has to offer.

Thank you for listening and I hope I gave at least one person the courage to do the same. Sometimes we hold onto our negative and it is scary to put it down and step into the unknown. It is *not* about the A in your life, it is about you. Do it for you. You have the courage within you to change, it is all about utilizing it. I had the courage deep within me, I just had to tap into it.

Thank you once again for listening to my testimony. I am a lucky girl to have Al-Anon and 90,000+ SR members behind my back. :)

I will continue to spread as much love and light as I can.

Lily :hug:

:You_Rock_

Congratulations on your courage to take the scary step in seeking help.
I hope you are feeling stronger within yourself and that you can let go of all the negative thoughts that came with being abandoned.
Maybe look at it as something that is her problem and mistake, a regret she will have at some time in the future....but by then you will have moved on.

Thank you Jadmack. I've already moved on...logically. I have no control over her and her choices, just me and how I choose to react. My post is about dealing with the emotions in a healthy way, not her. I know I don't deserve the abandonment. I also believe my HP will bring healthier people into my life who won't do what she did.

Thank you for your support.

Love and Light,

Lily

(((((((((((((((Lily))))))))))))))


So glad you reached out. Thanks for the reminder that all it takes is a WILLINGNESS to try.

You rock!!

Mary

Thank you!!!!!

You are awesome.

((((hugs))))

Great post.

I love reading stuff where people use their program.

Isn't it amazing how many programs and religions have "Live in the present moment" or "Be here now" as core teachings? Good stuff.

I really liked how she said to feel your emotions rather than attach to them.

So, keep on truckin'. :c011:

Your friend,

Congrats on taking such healthy care of YOU ~ you deserve it ~

it is heartbreaking when we are not allowed to develop the skills to deal with our emotions as we grow up ~ but in taking care of the child inside of you - you are doing that now ~ what a precious gift to yourself and to all around you ~

Others will see how you handle things & it will help them to be exposed to a healthier way to handle the stresses on their path of life ~

Awesome recovery ~
Thanks so much for sharing ~

PINK HUGS,
Rita

i didn't grow up in a family of alcoholics, but i did grow up in a volatile environment in which i was never really heard. i spent much of my childhood listening to the screaming matches of my parents and, after they divorced, constantly pulling apart my mom and older sister. as much as i could, i hid myself out and put all of my efforts into school. i learned the art of stuff-stuff-stuffing all of my emotions until they exploded (usually in tears).

thank YOU for sharing. i feel like i'm at the beginning of my journey, and this post is just what i needed to remind myself that it's perfectly okay to be scared. :)

Kudos to you! I can still stuff emotions way too easily and not allow myself to process them.

Then I eventually have a melt-down.

You have reminded me what I need to do when those emotions (especially pain) hit me. Thank you so much, and sending you hugs of support! :hug:

Wow, Lily... your post is amazingly inspirational!! Thank you for taking the time to write it all our & share here at SR!

Bump :boogy

Thank you so much for bumping this Lily - I somehow missed it first time around. It has opened something in me tonight and has brought more tears than I thought were in me today, but that is a good thing.

I had a wonderful upbringing, thankfully, so can't really associate with that side, but I can associate with being abandoned by someone I thought was a good, caring friend. I thought I was over it, and hear I am sobbing over it now. But I know they are therapeutic tears, so that's ok too.

I love reading your posts, you are an inspiration to me and I'm sure to many others.

Adventure
x

I am happy I can bring those healing tears out Adventure. I've shed quite a few lately myself and each time it feels like I got some gunk out of my soul. Many hugs to you. :hug:

:)

Love and Light,

Lily

i love this description. that's EXACTLY what it feels like. thank you. :)

Thank you for bumping this. I missed this when you first posted it, and it
is quite an awe inspiring share.

Thank you for sharing.

Love and hugs,

Def of Love-

I just want to share that I am finding a lot of parallels in my life with some friendships as I am with the relationship that go me here, to Al-Anon etc.

I had a therapy appt today where I am talking about this one friendship in my life and it always translates over to my exAH too. She is not an alcoholic, but that does not mean that I have a healthy relationship with her either. Thanks for helping me to see that I am not alone in that experience.

I also find it amazing as one of the "stuffing" group of a couple of things.
1. Stuffing magically seems to make it exponentially bigger than it was/is in the light of day.
2. Regardless of how emotional I am in the moment about something I ALWAYS feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders when I get it out and share it with someone, especially previously stuffed items.
3. I am sad that I did not learn to share this stuff as a child, but so glad that I have gotten to participate in recovery and that I don't have to repeat those same relationships today.

Hi LifeRecovery,

Thank you for sharing your experience. I am also glad to know I am not alone. :)

I also totally understand your 3 points. I fully identify with all three. Bottling it all up makes it grow bigger and bigger until we explode. Letting it go relieves so much pressure from keeping it in...even when we are not even aware that we are keeping it in. And I am also tremendously grateful for all of the positive outlets I have in my life. :)

:hug:

Lily

Grats to you on bettering yourself and reaching out to ppl who have the courage to help you!! Best regards my friend!!:dance4: