chrisepic

Hi there. I've been back a week from treatment and my wife has been watching my every move (which I know already is to be expected). What is discouraging for me is her expectation that treatment would suddenly cure me of my character defects. Aggressive driving, not wearing a seatbelt, flicking my cigarettes out the window of the car, impatience, raising my voice, pity parties. Yes, she is taking my inventory and shoving it in my face and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I tell her "the miracle today is that I'm sober." but that just isn't enough. And I know, in the long run, sobriety isn't enough, but my wife is a "normie" and doesn't know that the journey I am about to embark in with the 12 steps and other post-treatment recovery work will bring about those changes she demands.


I'm very frustrated right now. She works two jobs (had to to keep us a float while I was in treatment). We barely see each other. I go to two meetings and the gym every day in the interim whilst job hunting and preparing for my final semester of school. Is there a link that I can show her that will explain, in plain english, what to expect and when to expect it of a post-treatment alcoholic in recovery?

Thanks!

soberlicious

Your wife is on her own journey as well. Just as she can try to understand yours, look into understanding hers.

Just to share my own experience here...
I was selfish in active addiction. I expected everyone to support me and understand how hard things were for me.

I was selfish when I got sober. I expected everyone to support me and understand how hard things were for me.

Interestingly...I was just selfish. This journey I'm on is mine. Mine to figure out, mine to understand. Others walking along side me is nice, but not expected or required. They should not have to accept poor behavior from me ever, clean or not. I've caused enough pain. I do not to expect others to support me in doing what I should have been doing all along.

Best to you. Glad you are here.

ChloeJ

No offense intended, but basically, you are telling her " the miracle today is that you are doing the right thing", and that's got to be frustrating for her.

There is no timeframe, that I know of. My husband has been dry for 9 months, and still treats me, and our children, the same way as he did when he was actively drinking.

All I know, is that while you are wanting her patience and understanding, she is needing the same from you.

Tuffgirl

Are you in AA (you mentioned meetings...) if so, can you ask her to join you on this journey of recovery by going to Al-Anon? We follow the same steps so it can be really helpful in understanding it all, plus it can give her a chance to be with people who understand her.

And maybe you both read together Under the Influence?

Just my humble suggestions...
~T

LaTeeDa

And you feel the need (right?) to do these things because........? Sorry, but I'm on your wife's side here. She has put up with your alcoholism for how long? She works two jobs to support the family while you go to the gym and meetings and "look for work?" Time to man up and deal with the consequences of your actions. Being sober is great, but no, it's not "enough." Most people do a lot more to contribute to a marriage and a family than just "not drink." I hope you continue on the path to recovery. But, I also hope you don't feel that you deserve some kind of special treatment for doing what people do every day, day in and day out, as part of being a productive member of society.

L

endlesspatience

LaTeeDa's right, I think. I expect a round of applause for getting up and going to work every morning and not spending the day slumped on the couch in a drunken haze. That's not "normal". You got the Just For Today card? Have a look at that each day if you can and maybe it'll help you look outward a little more. Great to have spent time focussing on treatment and recovery. Sustained recovery depends on looking out for others.

laurie6781

You know it took 3 years into recovery before my family and ex husband started to trust me again.

In early recovery I "expected" the 'pat on the back' for doing what I SHOULD have been doing all along.

Go talk with your sponsor, start working your steps, so you can learn how TO LIVE THOSE STEPS 24/7. You have put your family through hell!!!

Looking for work? Take what you can get for right now, even if it means temporary assignments of a day here or there through a temp agency.

Someday, down the line, IF you can continue to grow and change in your recovery, your family might start to trust you again.

J M H O from a 'double winner' of many years.

Love and hugs,

Amber23

Interesting I would see this post today as my AH went to his first AA meeting.....and yes, I am proud of him and I cannot imagine the complex layers of his disease....
HOWEVER, i am mentally exhausted after trying to keep it all together.

I realize he wants (needs) me to be emotionally supportive, but where is my support? All the layers of my distrust and frustration do not disappear with him taking a productive step he should have taken years ago. A lot of damage has been over the years.

Congratulations on your sobriety and I would suggest you don't use her "nagging" as an excuse to stumble. Hang in there and give her some time to heal also.

MetalChick

chrisepic,

Wow, she works 2 jobs to keep you afloat? What a great lady!

I am 5 weeks sober myself; my wonderful BF has put up with a lot because of my drinking. Bless his heart. I am doing my very, very best to be great to him. Put your darn seat beat on, stop raising your voice at her, and put your cigs out in the ash tray, stop looking at her, and when you feel a pity party coming on, go out and do something instead. She has been through a lot!

I suspect that your wife is smart enough to know you will not be perfect after rehab, please do your best to be kind to her. Recovery is no excuse to treat others badly, just like being drunk is no excuse.

Are you in a program like AA? What are you doing now in your recovery?

Take care

MetalChick

Wanted to add,

May I suggest that you surprise her with a home cooked dinner and a clean house; maybe flowers, or a back massage when she gets home.

sugarbear1

Start a list of things that irk her for now. Then change those habits. It may be the cig out the car window, etc, but most likely it's her frustration with the past and with working 2 jobs and doing it all.

Keep the house clean, cook the dinner, be productive at home and seriously send out applications and resumes to find employment. I'd be irked, too, by the gym and two meetings. Where's the sponsor? The step work? The action it takes to stay stopped?

You can work this out with her, but you must do your part more whole heartedly! It's not about her, it's about you now. Do it!!

I wish you well on your sober journey!

XXXXXXXXXX

Maybe the miracle is that she is still standing there beside you, working two jobs and trying hard to build back the things she has lost due to YOUR addiction. I was in her shoes and I felt so unappreciated, working two jobs while you are at the gym? Could you do some things for her, things that show that you are working on rebuilding your life and that takes some of the responsibility off of her?

As for trust, it will come slowly as she sees that your actions match your words.

Congratulations on your sobriety, keep working your programs and be patient with your wife. Is she going to ALANON?

tomsteve

here's how i see it, if you are being honest about your wife:
she has taken you hostage and put a ransom on it. i dont give a crap if yer an alcoholic or not, husband,wife or whatever, putting demands on anyone is sick. she is a sick person. so, what are you goona do about it?
1st thing is i am guessin this behavior isnt new. it was happening when you were drinking you just didnt see it. now, as recovering alcoholics, we are no longer anyones doormat for theirproblems.
the big book has some great chapter in it titled" to wives" and " the family afterwards." they are describing what you are describing. the people that stay around us when we are drinking become just as sick as we are.
you dont have to allow it and from my own experience, it was very frustrating to know how to convey the message sober. it was something new to me and i had ot learn how to do it. that took T.I.M.E.
now, the BB says we dont get into the quarrels of marraige, but a good sponsor and the program will teach you how to communicate like a sober, responsible adult.( gotta sponsor???).
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cant change
courage to change the one i can
and wisdom to know thats me.

tomsteve

check out al anon. you deserve the help and support to deal with us sickos!

Katiekate

Aggressive driving, not wearing a seatbelt, flicking my cigarettes out the window of the car, impatience, raising my voice, pity parties

How important are these behaviors to you????

I'm sorry but this sounds very petty to me. Feels to me like there is a lot of stinking thinking going on, these behaviors would probably drive me nuts too, maybe practice them when she is not around.

You have to know that this goes much deeper , things are going to be rough, she has had no power in this relationship for a long time is my guess.

In all honesty what i hear in your post is rescue me, tell my wife she is wrong, stick up for me, if this is the ******** I have to put up with I'll just drink. Sorry if that offends anyone, but I truly feel that this is where it is heading.

painfully

When my husband first stopped using I was thrilled. Then reality sunk in. I expected this completely different guy to emerge. The truth is it takes a long time to heal the spirit. Being active in AA will help you to heal, not just stop drinking.
I had years of resentments built up inside me. They aren't easy to let go of.
Strictly from the perspective of a wife, it takes a lot of years of hurt, emotional abuse and broken promises to get us to that place. It takes a lot more than sobriety to get us out of that place. She has been infinitely patient waiting for you to become healthy, she deserves the same courtesy. You can't force her to go to Al anon, just as she couldn't force you into treatment. You can certainly suggest to her that Al anon can help her (not help make it easier for you). Be careful though, everytime my husband suggested Al anon to me I wanted to smack him. I felt that the issues were his and his alone, it took my own bottom for me to realize that I had my own issues that I needed to deal with.
I can understand that it is difficult for the addict, and yes, your sobriety is a miracle and a blessing to your family. But, just as it was unhealthy for her to place expectations on you, it's equally unhealthy for you to place expectations on her.

Congratulations on your sobriety.

Learn2Live

You want your wife to "hear"?? Then scrub the toilet, scrub the bathtub, clean the kitchen from top to bottom, vacuum the house, do the laundry, change all the bedsheets and make the beds, change the oil in the cars, take out the trash, mow the lawn, and when all that's done, go to a meeting. Those things will speak to her loud and clear.

It is YOUR job to communicate to YOUR spouse, no one else's. If you don't know how to do this, get a book from the library that teaches you how and read it.

Loopydays

Wow katiekate this struck a chord with me!
As a wife of a Ah in recent recovery - I too was angry and frustrated when my husband came home. He came home from rehab like a conquering king wanting approval and validation for the greatness he had achieved! And he wanted life to continue as before( without the drink as yet)- it couldn't and I couldn't understand how he expected it too.

Chrisepic- please understand recovery is a frightening time for us codependents - we too do not know what to expect, we too are reeling from emotions that recovery dredges up- we too are human- we too need space and respect to recover from all the adverse effects living with alcoholism brings. We too have defects if character that the RAH needs to acknowledge and forgive.
Your wife is working 2 jobs to keep the family afloat as you attend AA meetings and the gym daily- and you expect her not to be annoyed? Really? She must be emotionally and physically exhausted - please give her slack- show her your appreciation of what she is doing for your family- as others have posted cook dinner, do the housework, buy flowers!
Above all show her the same consideration, appreciation and respect that you seem to feel you have won the right to in your recovery.
My heartfelt congratulations on your sobriety, we spouses do appreciate the enormous effort it takes to get there - please remember that we are recovering too

kudzujean

And shouldn't you be posting this in one of the Alcoholism forums?

Focus on your own recovery, not on your wife.

Learn2Live

Amber, just want to point something out for you. IMO, if this man is an adult, I'm not sure being proud of him is age-appropriate. He's your husband, not a sixth grader. Give him the dignity of not mothering him or babying him. And emotional support? Same thing. A grown man is quite capable of developing his own emotional maturity. He's not 6. Do his emotions seem out of control to you? Is he crying all the time or something? If so, he needs to see a psychiatrist.

We all need to step back and give grown adults the space they need to breathe and grow. And allow grown men and women to take care of responsibilities they should be and are quite capable of taking care of. I also baby people, I'm not sure why.