Someone please tell my wife!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by Learn2Live 
Amber, just want to point something out for you. IMO, if this man is an adult, I'm not sure being proud of him is age-appropriate. He's your husband, not a sixth grader. Give him the dignity of not mothering him or babying him. And emotional support? Same thing. A grown man is quite capable of developing his own emotional maturity. He's not 6. Do his emotions seem out of control to you? Is he crying all the time or something? If so, he needs to see a psychiatrist.
We all need to step back and give grown adults the space they need to breathe and grow. And allow grown men and women to take care of responsibilities they should be and are quite capable of taking care of. I also baby people, I'm not sure why.
We all need to step back and give grown adults the space they need to breathe and grow. And allow grown men and women to take care of responsibilities they should be and are quite capable of taking care of. I also baby people, I'm not sure why.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by tomsteve
here's how i see it, if you are being honest about your wife:
she has taken you hostage and put a ransom on it. i dont give a crap if yer an alcoholic or not, husband,wife or whatever, putting demands on anyone is sick. she is a sick person. so, what are you goona do about it?
1st thing is i am guessin this behavior isnt new. it was happening when you were drinking you just didnt see it. now, as recovering alcoholics, we are no longer anyones doormat for theirproblems.
the big book has some great chapter in it titled" to wives" and " the family afterwards." they are describing what you are describing. the people that stay around us when we are drinking become just as sick as we are.
you dont have to allow it and from my own experience, it was very frustrating to know how to convey the message sober. it was something new to me and i had ot learn how to do it. that took T.I.M.E.
now, the BB says we dont get into the quarrels of marraige, but a good sponsor and the program will teach you how to communicate like a sober, responsible adult.( gotta sponsor???).
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cant change
courage to change the one i can
and wisdom to know thats me.
she has taken you hostage and put a ransom on it. i dont give a crap if yer an alcoholic or not, husband,wife or whatever, putting demands on anyone is sick. she is a sick person. so, what are you goona do about it?
1st thing is i am guessin this behavior isnt new. it was happening when you were drinking you just didnt see it. now, as recovering alcoholics, we are no longer anyones doormat for theirproblems.
the big book has some great chapter in it titled" to wives" and " the family afterwards." they are describing what you are describing. the people that stay around us when we are drinking become just as sick as we are.
you dont have to allow it and from my own experience, it was very frustrating to know how to convey the message sober. it was something new to me and i had ot learn how to do it. that took T.I.M.E.
now, the BB says we dont get into the quarrels of marraige, but a good sponsor and the program will teach you how to communicate like a sober, responsible adult.( gotta sponsor???).
God, grant me the serenity
to accept the people i cant change
courage to change the one i can
and wisdom to know thats me.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Originally Posted by painfully
Sometimes you read something and it is like a splash of cold water. Thank you for that.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Hi Chris, one thing in your post really jumped out at me.
No, she isn't. Anyone who lives with an active alcoholic is not a normie anymore. Not even close. Spend some time reading here to see what effect alcohol has had on us who aren't the alcoholic but have loved one. The symptoms we suffer from are very similar to those of people who have been in combat. Hyper vigilance, emotional detachment, PTSD, depression and a host of others.
My only suggestion would be to have a little compassion for her and what she has gone through.
Your friend,
but my wife is a "normie"
No, she isn't. Anyone who lives with an active alcoholic is not a normie anymore. Not even close. Spend some time reading here to see what effect alcohol has had on us who aren't the alcoholic but have loved one. The symptoms we suffer from are very similar to those of people who have been in combat. Hyper vigilance, emotional detachment, PTSD, depression and a host of others.
My only suggestion would be to have a little compassion for her and what she has gone through.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
It seems to me you have just as many expectations of your wife as she has of you.
My suggestion would be to work your own program. Instead of spending time trying to figure out how to get your wife to change or accept your unacceptable behaviors use your energy to work on your own self/life.
FWIW, if your wife was here posting about her unemployed, self pitying, aggressive, impatient, fresh from treatment husband I'd suggest the same thing to her. You can't change him, but you can work on yourself.
I'm not an alcoholic. My thoughts might not be very helpful and you may (surely will) get better support from the other forums. I was far from perfect and I'm not saying your wife is either.
On a personal note, I, like your wife had been responsible for everything for such a long time. When my husband came home and had expectations of how I was supposed to support him, it did not go over well. It felt like he was placing even more responsibility on me - the responsibility of his recovery. I was beyond furious and exhausted. I have no idea if those dynamics exist in your relationship or not - just saying your post triggered the same reaction in me based on my experiences. I supported my husband by keeping his home and family afloat yet it was not enough for him. I was supposed to continue to take care of his every need including his emotional and recovery needs, and do so with love and gratitude because he was no longer drunk. Um no.
Recovery of character and emotions does take time but alcoholism isn't cancer. You aren't drinking now and your body works just fine. You can take care of the more concrete responsibilities right now can't you? You can work any job right? You can do your share at home and if she is working two jobs and you are working none - your share is all of it. If you have children you do your half of parenting and IME the status quo when you were drinking is not half. If you are having a pity party, you can leave her out of it and call your sponsor or AA friend.
My suggestion would be to work your own program. Instead of spending time trying to figure out how to get your wife to change or accept your unacceptable behaviors use your energy to work on your own self/life.
FWIW, if your wife was here posting about her unemployed, self pitying, aggressive, impatient, fresh from treatment husband I'd suggest the same thing to her. You can't change him, but you can work on yourself.
I'm not an alcoholic. My thoughts might not be very helpful and you may (surely will) get better support from the other forums. I was far from perfect and I'm not saying your wife is either.
On a personal note, I, like your wife had been responsible for everything for such a long time. When my husband came home and had expectations of how I was supposed to support him, it did not go over well. It felt like he was placing even more responsibility on me - the responsibility of his recovery. I was beyond furious and exhausted. I have no idea if those dynamics exist in your relationship or not - just saying your post triggered the same reaction in me based on my experiences. I supported my husband by keeping his home and family afloat yet it was not enough for him. I was supposed to continue to take care of his every need including his emotional and recovery needs, and do so with love and gratitude because he was no longer drunk. Um no.
Recovery of character and emotions does take time but alcoholism isn't cancer. You aren't drinking now and your body works just fine. You can take care of the more concrete responsibilities right now can't you? You can work any job right? You can do your share at home and if she is working two jobs and you are working none - your share is all of it. If you have children you do your half of parenting and IME the status quo when you were drinking is not half. If you are having a pity party, you can leave her out of it and call your sponsor or AA friend.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Today's thought from Hazelden is:
The Hares and the Frogs
One day the hares were discussing how they could hardly ever relax because of their fear of other animals.
Just then they felt the earth tremble and saw a herd of wild horses stampeding their way. They scampered about in a panic and soon were trapped near the edge of a lake. They decided they would rather leap into the lake and drown themselves than continue living in a state of perpetual panic. But just as they were about to leap, they startled some frogs that promptly hopped into the water.
The hares scanned the lake and saw that the frogs had disappeared. "Perhaps," said one hare, "things are not as bad as they seem."
The moral of the story: There is always someone worse off than you.
There are many others who are facing their own set of difficulties and challenges. To think that you are the only one who has problems, what you are going through is unique, or no one could possibly understand the hardships you face minimizes the needs of others. The program is for the good of all, not for the good of one. Rather than stay locked in your own mind-set and bemoan what you are facing, reach out to others.
I will remember there are others who also require attention, comfort, and care.
The Hares and the Frogs
One day the hares were discussing how they could hardly ever relax because of their fear of other animals.
Just then they felt the earth tremble and saw a herd of wild horses stampeding their way. They scampered about in a panic and soon were trapped near the edge of a lake. They decided they would rather leap into the lake and drown themselves than continue living in a state of perpetual panic. But just as they were about to leap, they startled some frogs that promptly hopped into the water.
The hares scanned the lake and saw that the frogs had disappeared. "Perhaps," said one hare, "things are not as bad as they seem."
The moral of the story: There is always someone worse off than you.
There are many others who are facing their own set of difficulties and challenges. To think that you are the only one who has problems, what you are going through is unique, or no one could possibly understand the hardships you face minimizes the needs of others. The program is for the good of all, not for the good of one. Rather than stay locked in your own mind-set and bemoan what you are facing, reach out to others.
I will remember there are others who also require attention, comfort, and care.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by chrisepic
Hi there. I've been back a week from treatment and my wife has been watching my every move (which I know already is to be expected). What is discouraging for me is her expectation that treatment would suddenly cure me of my character defects. Aggressive driving, not wearing a seatbelt, flicking my cigarettes out the window of the car, impatience, raising my voice, pity parties. Yes, she is taking my inventory and shoving it in my face and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I tell her "the miracle today is that I'm sober." but that just isn't enough. And I know, in the long run, sobriety isn't enough, but my wife is a "normie" and doesn't know that the journey I am about to embark in with the 12 steps and other post-treatment recovery work will bring about those changes she demands.
I'm very frustrated right now. She works two jobs (had to to keep us a float while I was in treatment). We barely see each other. I go to two meetings and the gym every day in the interim whilst job hunting and preparing for my final semester of school. Is there a link that I can show her that will explain, in plain english, what to expect and when to expect it of a post-treatment alcoholic in recovery?
Thanks!
I'm very frustrated right now. She works two jobs (had to to keep us a float while I was in treatment). We barely see each other. I go to two meetings and the gym every day in the interim whilst job hunting and preparing for my final semester of school. Is there a link that I can show her that will explain, in plain english, what to expect and when to expect it of a post-treatment alcoholic in recovery?
Thanks!
Wow.
If I were in your shoes, seriously, I'd spend some time working on understanding her point of view here. There are amazing & honest posts all over this board that will help you understand what living with an active addict is REALLY like. (Not the version of it that you have in your head, because I guarantee your version is skewed by your addiction.) Do you really know how it feels to work 2 jobs for years to just barely cover your family's needs, never getting ahead & barely keeping pace... and yet never having a free dime to your name because your spouse's addictions are so expensive or even a free moment to stop & think about it?
Because I DO know how that feels, & it's anything but warm & fuzzy & hey, let me support you MORE.
My AH is nearly 1 year sober & we are ACTIVELY working on recovery, separately & together. It is incredibly hard work & I *still* have days where I wonder if I'm better off throwing in the towel & starting my life over alone. And honestly, that's sort of ridiculous because my AH has come a LONG way from where he was. But that alone doesn't rebuild trust, respect & love. Time does that. Actions do that. Sometimes I feel like I should be getting a pat on the back simply for STAYING after all he's put me through emotionally, spiritually, financially & otherwise.
I definitely agree that she needs to deal with her own anger & pain in whatever way works best for her. All that said, it IS a process & it is different for everybody depending on how you work through it.... separately & together.
I also want to point out that for us, the first 90-120 days were impossibly hard. We couldn't effectively communicate without a lot of blame & I was very, very raw from it all. I really didn't know if we would make it past that point for the same reasons you point out above - very little changed except he wasn't drinking. My financial problems stayed, his immaturity stayed, his obligations increased (AA meetings/sponsor talks) taking time away from helping me in any way with our home or daughter, etc., etc., etc.
Just 2 weeks ago I made the whole family (me, AH & DD) go grocery shopping. It's a chore that has, over time, fallen to me to tend to and, over time, something I've come to detest wholeheartedly. I don't mind going, I mind trying to guess what everyone wants to eat that week. There was no anger - I wasn't trying to prove a point, I was just overwhelmed & my therapy has shown me that these little irritations in my life need to be delegated better. So, off we all traipsed to the store. I stuck to my list & it took FOREVER for the other 2 to make their choices... it was a real learning experience for them & a bit entertaining for me. After loading up the bags in the van I paused & said "Hey, thanks guys... it sounds really stupid but it means a lot to have that stupid little chore off my plate... I appreciate everyone's help."
Without missing a BEAT, DD says, "Are you thanking us for doing something we should already be doing anyway? Wow, that's so wrong!"
She's 8. SHE gets it.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I commend you on your personal miracle of getting sober, congrats!
Your achievement is yours alone though. You get the credit for it completely. Your wife though, is sober everyday, and it is no miracle that she is sober, right?
So you have to put your miracle into perspective. For her, it is simply another day to be sober, and life's little irritations continue, including things you do that annoy or upset her.
Your achievement is yours alone though. You get the credit for it completely. Your wife though, is sober everyday, and it is no miracle that she is sober, right?
So you have to put your miracle into perspective. For her, it is simply another day to be sober, and life's little irritations continue, including things you do that annoy or upset her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
There are many, many days when I come to this forum, F&F and ACOA specifically, for a little bit of hope just to get me through the day. It's all I got right now. It really irks me when an alcoholic with a few days sober starts a thread in F&F because he's so special he can't bother himself with the Recovery threads. He wants to cut straight to the chase and get advice from families and friends.
There's a place for all of us here. Please ask these questions to other members in recovery. We've got our own stuff to deal with. Thanks.
There's a place for all of us here. Please ask these questions to other members in recovery. We've got our own stuff to deal with. Thanks.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by chrisepic
Hi there. I've been back a week from treatment and my wife has been watching my every move (which I know already is to be expected). What is discouraging for me is her expectation that treatment would suddenly cure me of my character defects. Aggressive driving, not wearing a seatbelt, flicking my cigarettes out the window of the car, impatience, raising my voice, pity parties. Yes, she is taking my inventory and shoving it in my face and I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed. I tell her "the miracle today is that I'm sober." but that just isn't enough. And I know, in the long run, sobriety isn't enough, but my wife is a "normie" and doesn't know that the journey I am about to embark in with the 12 steps and other post-treatment recovery work will bring about those changes she demands.
I'm very frustrated right now. She works two jobs (had to to keep us a float while I was in treatment). We barely see each other. I go to two meetings and the gym every day in the interim whilst job hunting and preparing for my final semester of school. Is there a link that I can show her that will explain, in plain english, what to expect and when to expect it of a post-treatment alcoholic in recovery?
Thanks!
I'm very frustrated right now. She works two jobs (had to to keep us a float while I was in treatment). We barely see each other. I go to two meetings and the gym every day in the interim whilst job hunting and preparing for my final semester of school. Is there a link that I can show her that will explain, in plain english, what to expect and when to expect it of a post-treatment alcoholic in recovery?
Thanks!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
This thread reminds me why I think temporary physical separation, if financially possible, is so much better for the recovering alcoholic/addict and the recovering codependent spouse. They are just oil and water. Each has been made ill from the disease of addiction and both are trying to keep a lid on so many suppressed emotions that are waiting to explode but instead come out in erratic fits over the small things while the larger and darker things stay buried.
It seems more humane for each of them to live separately, and after perhaps nine months, begin sitting in counseling together, and perhaps after two years, begin living together again.
Good luck as you get well.
It seems more humane for each of them to live separately, and after perhaps nine months, begin sitting in counseling together, and perhaps after two years, begin living together again.
Good luck as you get well.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Originally Posted by LuvMySis
There are many, many days when I come to this forum, F&F and ACOA specifically, for a little bit of hope just to get me through the day. It's all I got right now. It really irks me when an alcoholic with a few days sober starts a thread in F&F because he's so special he can't bother himself with the Recovery threads. He wants to cut straight to the chase and get advice from families and friends.
There's a place for all of us here. Please ask these questions to other members in recovery. We've got our own stuff to deal with. Thanks.
There's a place for all of us here. Please ask these questions to other members in recovery. We've got our own stuff to deal with. Thanks.
I don't know about you all here, but I would have LOVED IT if my stbx would have asked others for advice on how to be a better husband during early sobriety. Instead, he was angry, bitter, and self centered. And I would have LOVED IT if wives here could have offered some solid advice and perspectives so maybe he could have tried just once to walk a mile in my moccasins. Maybe he wouldn't have been so quick to throw away our family, insisting all the while that my not living with him was somehow wrong, when instead it was my way of going through my own journey of recovery.
So maybe try to have some compassion for this poster - even if it touches a big nerve. And if you can't find compassion, please just move onto another thread to post on. There is nothing wrong with taking what works (even if nothing does) and leaving the rest.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2011
Posts: 145
Thank you, Tuffgirl, for posting your comment. You're absolutely right, and I apologize to chrisepic for my unhelpful post. We are all here for one reason - to survive addiction. Clearly I have my own work to do.
Chrisepic, please consider the helpful suggestions posted in response to your question as you progress through your recovery. They offer a valuable perspective and were offered with concern and honesty.
Chrisepic, please consider the helpful suggestions posted in response to your question as you progress through your recovery. They offer a valuable perspective and were offered with concern and honesty.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden
This thread reminds me why I think temporary physical separation, if financially possible, is so much better for the recovering alcoholic/addict and the recovering codependent spouse. They are just oil and water. Each has been made ill from the disease of addiction and both are trying to keep a lid on so many suppressed emotions that are waiting to explode but instead come out in erratic fits over the small things while the larger and darker things stay buried.
It seems more humane for each of them to live separately, and after perhaps nine months, begin sitting in counseling together, and perhaps after two years, begin living together again.
Good luck as you get well.
It seems more humane for each of them to live separately, and after perhaps nine months, begin sitting in counseling together, and perhaps after two years, begin living together again.
Good luck as you get well.
We literally could not understand one another in the earliest days of recovery. It was all he could do to put one foot in front of the other each day & I had no comprehension or care to understand it at the time. We were both too broken.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
As a long-term recovering addict/alcoholic (21+ years), I can share with you that I too was very self-centered when I left rehab. It took a long time for me to even begin to understand the damage I had inflicted on my loved ones. It was years before they trusted me, and rightfully so.
There was no ticker tape parade for me when I found work and started supporting myself and my then 8-year-old daughter. Life was a lot of mundane things like working for a paycheck, paying bills, taking out the garbage, etc.
Working through the steps time and time again with qualified sponsors (who were also walking the walk, not just talking the talk) helped me see those self-centered behaviors and attitudes. Then I was able to start working on being a better person.
I wish you well in your journey in recovery.
There was no ticker tape parade for me when I found work and started supporting myself and my then 8-year-old daughter. Life was a lot of mundane things like working for a paycheck, paying bills, taking out the garbage, etc.
Working through the steps time and time again with qualified sponsors (who were also walking the walk, not just talking the talk) helped me see those self-centered behaviors and attitudes. Then I was able to start working on being a better person.
I wish you well in your journey in recovery.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Nj
Posts: 195
This post has been very eye opening. When my abf first came clean with me, I ended up sitting down and talking to my mom about it (her father is a recovered alcoholic) he got incredibly mad that I told her and made it a struggling point in our relationship for several weeks. I remember him saying on several occasions "everyone is making this about them, it's not about all of you, it's about me." I felt stupid and dumb for making him feel that way. Now though...I look back and want to scream. It isn't just about him. It's also about me, his mom, his sister, his employees, and his friends-everyone that had to worry and be hurt when we found bottles-everyone that had to visit or worry about him when he was in the hospital. So no-it's not just about him. And guess what? I need support to. I told my mom because I needed someone that I could cry to when I needed to. I needed someone to support me while I was supporting you while you still continued to drink. He has been sober for a few months now-but it took reading this for me to see that no, I wasnt wrong. I did what I needed to do for me. Sorry of this
Is off topic to this post-reading through this just opened my eyes
And helped me realize that its ok to need support for me as well and to nt always be worrying about how to support him.
Is off topic to this post-reading through this just opened my eyes
And helped me realize that its ok to need support for me as well and to nt always be worrying about how to support him.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Florida
Posts: 6,780
Originally Posted by LuvMySis
Thank you, Tuffgirl, for posting your comment. You're absolutely right, and I apologize to chrisepic for my unhelpful post. We are all here for one reason - to survive addiction. Clearly I have my own work to do.
Chrisepic, please consider the helpful suggestions posted in response to your question as you progress through your recovery. They offer a valuable perspective and were offered with concern and honesty.
Chrisepic, please consider the helpful suggestions posted in response to your question as you progress through your recovery. They offer a valuable perspective and were offered with concern and honesty.
I DO understand your POV Sis.... my immediate reaction to the OP was much more visceral & reactive. I had to stop & think & then go back & edit my post.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Firesprite, I did this. It caused "abandonment" issues, so I caution anyone to really do it for the right reasons and to be prepared for whatever consequences come after.
That said, it was the best darn decision for me and my daughters. I waited three months to see what would happen between me and the RAH, and if he was going to rejoin the marriage and move forward on somethings - buying a bigger house so I could have some personal space was a huge need for me - and he refused. So 4 months into our separation I bought my own house. That was also not received well, as if it was a statement of rejection toward him somehow.
I knew I wasn't going to live with him again for at least that first year - if he made it sober that long - and possibly longer. So I bought to have some equity and I bought a fixer upper with the intention to either fix it up to flip or stay here indefinitely. And I proceeded to live my life and work on my own recovery.
However, my stbx couldn't (wouldn't - whichever) accept this arrangement as one conducive to marriage - and he has decided he wants a divorce, and you know what? That's fine too. I was prepared for any outcome when I made the decisions I made. I may not like the outcome, but I was prepared for it. He needs something I cannot give right now. Trust, enthusiasm, and said with no bitterness here, no further mention of the trauma me and my daughters experienced. I can't give him these at this point in my life, and he has decided he can give me no more time in my recovery either.
So when considering a separation, weigh it carefully and be prepared. I have no regrets, and I would make the same decisions all over again if I had to.
I still say this posters best chance for making it through this as a couple is for his wife to get into Al-Anon. I wouldn't have stayed with the stbx for as long as I did had I not had the tools I gained from those rooms.
That said, it was the best darn decision for me and my daughters. I waited three months to see what would happen between me and the RAH, and if he was going to rejoin the marriage and move forward on somethings - buying a bigger house so I could have some personal space was a huge need for me - and he refused. So 4 months into our separation I bought my own house. That was also not received well, as if it was a statement of rejection toward him somehow.
I knew I wasn't going to live with him again for at least that first year - if he made it sober that long - and possibly longer. So I bought to have some equity and I bought a fixer upper with the intention to either fix it up to flip or stay here indefinitely. And I proceeded to live my life and work on my own recovery.
However, my stbx couldn't (wouldn't - whichever) accept this arrangement as one conducive to marriage - and he has decided he wants a divorce, and you know what? That's fine too. I was prepared for any outcome when I made the decisions I made. I may not like the outcome, but I was prepared for it. He needs something I cannot give right now. Trust, enthusiasm, and said with no bitterness here, no further mention of the trauma me and my daughters experienced. I can't give him these at this point in my life, and he has decided he can give me no more time in my recovery either.
So when considering a separation, weigh it carefully and be prepared. I have no regrets, and I would make the same decisions all over again if I had to.
I still say this posters best chance for making it through this as a couple is for his wife to get into Al-Anon. I wouldn't have stayed with the stbx for as long as I did had I not had the tools I gained from those rooms.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Originally Posted by FireSprite
I DO understand your POV Sis.... my immediate reaction to the OP was much more visceral & reactive. I had to stop & think & then go back & edit my post.
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
It occurred to me to address the OP's request for information.
Terence Gorski has a website which describes the Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome common to many alcoholics in early recovery. It is at tgorski.com. It may assist you in asking your wife for some time to get yourself stable (while you take full responsibility for the effects of PAWS).
And the website marriagebuilders.com might help you understand what you and your wife might have enjoyed had your marriage not been affected by the disease of alcoholism--a healthy relationship. And what might still be possible, but only if you both do your independent work over a long period of time.
Terence Gorski has a website which describes the Post-Acute Withdrawal Syndrome common to many alcoholics in early recovery. It is at tgorski.com. It may assist you in asking your wife for some time to get yourself stable (while you take full responsibility for the effects of PAWS).
And the website marriagebuilders.com might help you understand what you and your wife might have enjoyed had your marriage not been affected by the disease of alcoholism--a healthy relationship. And what might still be possible, but only if you both do your independent work over a long period of time.
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