I'm New to this so I'm Just putting it out There
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 1
I'm New to this so I'm Just putting it out There
I am a 39 year old father of two and right now I feel helpless because of my alcoholic wife. I understand that I am not to blame for her addiction, though she tells me and anyone who will listen that I am.
Though I am only a social drinker, my wife has always drank in the 12 years we have been together. This year, though, she has gone off the deep end with her and she is spiraling out of control. I love her very much and am concerned for her safety, as well as the safety of our two girls, ages 8 and 11. My wife is 44 and is currently unemployable due to her drinking.
Five months ago, my wife wrecked her car into another driver. I arrived at the scene only to see her being put into a police car for DUI, crying hysterically and mouthing the words "I'm so sorry". The accident occurred at 1:30 on a Tuesday afternoon, one hour later and she would have been picking up the children from school. While I hoped this was the catalyst she needed to quit drinking, and she finally admitted to an alcohol counselor that she had a problem and wanted help, her sobriety was short lived.
As soon as she got her license back 30 days after the accident, I noticed she would come home from the counseling sessions her lawyer had set up with a cup of beer in the car. I would begin to find empty beers and full ones hidden throughout the house, including in my daughter's toy box. Needless to say I was angry. Each time I would confront her and loud arguments would ensue. I got to the point (and probably still am at the point) where I would return home from work consumed with catching her drinking or finding her stash. I went through a week where I confiscated 40 beers and a bottle of liquor.
I told her she needed to get a job and get out of the house, find a purpose again. I got her a job with a friend of mine who manages a very high end restaurant. Prior to her leaving for her first day, I knew she had been drinking. I pleaded with her not to go but of course she did. She was sent home immediately, because, as she tells me she was 10 minutes late. The second day, she was drunken than before and I refused to let her drive. Intooknthe ignition fuse from her car. She threw a cup and hit me in the eye, causing it to swell and bruise. I decided that if she didn't care about possibly killing herself, then neither should I. I put the fuse back and she left only to get fired for showing up drunk.
The next incident occurred when we received a call from the principal at our daughters' school because our 8 year old's water bottle smelled of alcohol. DSS was dispatched to our house and a case was opened. The terms were simple, my wife had to continue counseling and a sober adult had to be present at all times around our children. The family had to scedule meetings with the case and were thouroughly interviewed by her. I figured this was definitely a way to keep my wife clean, but not even a week after the case was opened I fought her getting percocets from two different neighbors. The case was dropped after only a month, which I am sure my wife saw as a victory.
I came home a night early from a business trip, only to find her pullingnintonthe driveway wasted and with our kids in the car. And, she had just dropped off my daughter's friends. I was livid! I was harder on her than I had ever been, screaming about her lack of responsibility and addiction to something that was endanging her family. Three nights later, after another heated argument, I left and went to a friend's house in our neighborhood. I received a call from my 11 year old two hours later that her mother took a bottle of pills and tried to kill herself. I rushed home, called the ambulance and unsuccessfully tried to get her to vomit. The paramedics arrived and took her to the hospital where she was admitted for four days while waiting for a bed in the Psych ward. She stayed in Psych for three days and was released on her birthday, July 2nd. I picked her up and we went home and had a fun, sober family evening. The next day, she went out to get cigarettes and came out of the car holding a beer. I again confronted her and she said she was testing me to see if I would be supportive. That night, a neighbor who has been trying to help, took the girls so we could have a date night and try to work things out. We watched a movie, had a great time and did it without alcohol. I again thought we had a chance.
The following week, I had a business trip that would keep me halfway across the country from home for the entire week. I didn't make it that long. I noticed that I would call and it would take hours to get a response. I called my daughter who said mommy ran to the store and left them alon hours ago. I checked her voicemail on her cell phone and found a message from a woman telling my wife to have her son call home. I called my wife and calmly asked about it. She told me that he was a friend she met in the Psych ward and she was helpingnhimmfind a job. I pleaded with her toned the friendship as it was not healthy for our relationship. She agreed. A half hour later, I called her and she said she would stick to her promise. She accidentally called me back right after we hung up and she was with him, telling him everything I said! My girls were home alone! I had a friend come pick the girls up and I got the earliest flight out for the next morning. In the meantime, the friend went back to our house to get pajamas for the girls because she was unsure if my wife would contact her. When they arrived at my house, my wife was there. My daughter went upstairs to get her pajamas and saw this guy sitting in my bedroom smoking a cigarette! Sh said it scared her to the point where she could not sleep tht night. Nthe girls went back to the neighbors and my wife, after taking out $700 from our bank account, split and rented a motel room for the night.
I came home the next day,mucked up the girls and went to the court to have her involuntarily committed and I filed restraining orders against her from me and the girls. I closed our bank account and turned off her cell phone. She called my daughter the next night from a different hotel, and I sent the police who took her into custody and served her with the restraining orders.
She called me from the hospital and from the rehab where she was taken (for only four days before she was released!). She was again sorry and apologetic and vowed to change. She is not going to change. She has repeatedly put us all in danger and feels bad because she got caught. She has accused me of abuse, said tht is shy she drinks and has treated to call the police on me and make a false claim so that I will lose my job. Iventried to stop the yelling and talk to her, get her to meetings, and be more supportive. She counters by saying that I am trying to control her and that is also why she acts out. I needed to write this more as therapy for me, but I would appreciate any insight you all can give me as I am brand new to the group.
Though I am only a social drinker, my wife has always drank in the 12 years we have been together. This year, though, she has gone off the deep end with her and she is spiraling out of control. I love her very much and am concerned for her safety, as well as the safety of our two girls, ages 8 and 11. My wife is 44 and is currently unemployable due to her drinking.
Five months ago, my wife wrecked her car into another driver. I arrived at the scene only to see her being put into a police car for DUI, crying hysterically and mouthing the words "I'm so sorry". The accident occurred at 1:30 on a Tuesday afternoon, one hour later and she would have been picking up the children from school. While I hoped this was the catalyst she needed to quit drinking, and she finally admitted to an alcohol counselor that she had a problem and wanted help, her sobriety was short lived.
As soon as she got her license back 30 days after the accident, I noticed she would come home from the counseling sessions her lawyer had set up with a cup of beer in the car. I would begin to find empty beers and full ones hidden throughout the house, including in my daughter's toy box. Needless to say I was angry. Each time I would confront her and loud arguments would ensue. I got to the point (and probably still am at the point) where I would return home from work consumed with catching her drinking or finding her stash. I went through a week where I confiscated 40 beers and a bottle of liquor.
I told her she needed to get a job and get out of the house, find a purpose again. I got her a job with a friend of mine who manages a very high end restaurant. Prior to her leaving for her first day, I knew she had been drinking. I pleaded with her not to go but of course she did. She was sent home immediately, because, as she tells me she was 10 minutes late. The second day, she was drunken than before and I refused to let her drive. Intooknthe ignition fuse from her car. She threw a cup and hit me in the eye, causing it to swell and bruise. I decided that if she didn't care about possibly killing herself, then neither should I. I put the fuse back and she left only to get fired for showing up drunk.
The next incident occurred when we received a call from the principal at our daughters' school because our 8 year old's water bottle smelled of alcohol. DSS was dispatched to our house and a case was opened. The terms were simple, my wife had to continue counseling and a sober adult had to be present at all times around our children. The family had to scedule meetings with the case and were thouroughly interviewed by her. I figured this was definitely a way to keep my wife clean, but not even a week after the case was opened I fought her getting percocets from two different neighbors. The case was dropped after only a month, which I am sure my wife saw as a victory.
I came home a night early from a business trip, only to find her pullingnintonthe driveway wasted and with our kids in the car. And, she had just dropped off my daughter's friends. I was livid! I was harder on her than I had ever been, screaming about her lack of responsibility and addiction to something that was endanging her family. Three nights later, after another heated argument, I left and went to a friend's house in our neighborhood. I received a call from my 11 year old two hours later that her mother took a bottle of pills and tried to kill herself. I rushed home, called the ambulance and unsuccessfully tried to get her to vomit. The paramedics arrived and took her to the hospital where she was admitted for four days while waiting for a bed in the Psych ward. She stayed in Psych for three days and was released on her birthday, July 2nd. I picked her up and we went home and had a fun, sober family evening. The next day, she went out to get cigarettes and came out of the car holding a beer. I again confronted her and she said she was testing me to see if I would be supportive. That night, a neighbor who has been trying to help, took the girls so we could have a date night and try to work things out. We watched a movie, had a great time and did it without alcohol. I again thought we had a chance.
The following week, I had a business trip that would keep me halfway across the country from home for the entire week. I didn't make it that long. I noticed that I would call and it would take hours to get a response. I called my daughter who said mommy ran to the store and left them alon hours ago. I checked her voicemail on her cell phone and found a message from a woman telling my wife to have her son call home. I called my wife and calmly asked about it. She told me that he was a friend she met in the Psych ward and she was helpingnhimmfind a job. I pleaded with her toned the friendship as it was not healthy for our relationship. She agreed. A half hour later, I called her and she said she would stick to her promise. She accidentally called me back right after we hung up and she was with him, telling him everything I said! My girls were home alone! I had a friend come pick the girls up and I got the earliest flight out for the next morning. In the meantime, the friend went back to our house to get pajamas for the girls because she was unsure if my wife would contact her. When they arrived at my house, my wife was there. My daughter went upstairs to get her pajamas and saw this guy sitting in my bedroom smoking a cigarette! Sh said it scared her to the point where she could not sleep tht night. Nthe girls went back to the neighbors and my wife, after taking out $700 from our bank account, split and rented a motel room for the night.
I came home the next day,mucked up the girls and went to the court to have her involuntarily committed and I filed restraining orders against her from me and the girls. I closed our bank account and turned off her cell phone. She called my daughter the next night from a different hotel, and I sent the police who took her into custody and served her with the restraining orders.
She called me from the hospital and from the rehab where she was taken (for only four days before she was released!). She was again sorry and apologetic and vowed to change. She is not going to change. She has repeatedly put us all in danger and feels bad because she got caught. She has accused me of abuse, said tht is shy she drinks and has treated to call the police on me and make a false claim so that I will lose my job. Iventried to stop the yelling and talk to her, get her to meetings, and be more supportive. She counters by saying that I am trying to control her and that is also why she acts out. I needed to write this more as therapy for me, but I would appreciate any insight you all can give me as I am brand new to the group.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,908
Welcome to SR, WH2R. You have found a place of great support here. I guess you realize now that it doesn't really matter what you do, if your wife wants to drink, she is going to drink. You have done a good thing by getting a restraining order so she cannot come near you or your children. Those precious girls are the most important part of this whole thing.
Your wife's alcoholism is not your fault. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. I hope you will stick around, come back often, read, read, read and post often. The stickie posts at the top of the main page of this forum contain some valuable and helpful information. We will support you in any way we can.
Your wife's alcoholism is not your fault. You did not cause it, you cannot control it and you cannot cure it. I hope you will stick around, come back often, read, read, read and post often. The stickie posts at the top of the main page of this forum contain some valuable and helpful information. We will support you in any way we can.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Posts: 2,163
All you can do is focus on yourself and your children.
If she truly wants recovery she will seek it out.
I certainly hope you have a family/friends support system to help you with the kids.
I commend you for getting your children out of harms way. Good for you.
Keep posting, we are here.
If she truly wants recovery she will seek it out.
I certainly hope you have a family/friends support system to help you with the kids.
I commend you for getting your children out of harms way. Good for you.
Keep posting, we are here.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm so sorry. They are so very selfish. Heartless. Immature. What they do is so hurtful. And there is nothing you can do about it.
You did good protecting those kids, thank you so much. As an adult child of an alcoholic, still struggling in my 40s from the effects of growing up with an alcoholic, I can safely and with confidence say, the more distance you put between the alcoholic and the children, the better off your children will be in both the short- and long-run.
You did good protecting those kids, thank you so much. As an adult child of an alcoholic, still struggling in my 40s from the effects of growing up with an alcoholic, I can safely and with confidence say, the more distance you put between the alcoholic and the children, the better off your children will be in both the short- and long-run.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 87
I'm afraid I can't offer much in the way of advice or guidance, but I will say that as someone who grew up without a father for most of my life, you are a wonderful one. It makes me feel better about the world that there are dads like you out there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
This is your crossroads.
Think long and hard about which way you will turn because your children's lives depend on what you do right now. And do not count on another chance to do the right thing. This is your crossroads.
You wrote: "She is not going to change."
In fact, she will. She will get unbelievably more dangerous and volatile than she is even today.
I do not think you need anyone's insight here, though you asked for some. I think you are completely clear. I think you are totally clear: if you accept her apologies and promises and give her one more chance, tragedy is just around the corner.
So choose well today.
Welcome to SR.
Think long and hard about which way you will turn because your children's lives depend on what you do right now. And do not count on another chance to do the right thing. This is your crossroads.
You wrote: "She is not going to change."
In fact, she will. She will get unbelievably more dangerous and volatile than she is even today.
I do not think you need anyone's insight here, though you asked for some. I think you are completely clear. I think you are totally clear: if you accept her apologies and promises and give her one more chance, tragedy is just around the corner.
So choose well today.
Welcome to SR.
Member
Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It really could be any of our stories, which is the worst thing about the disease.
Please focus on taking care of yourself and your daughters. Al-anon and ala-teen would be a great place to support you all.
Please continue to post because we understand and care so much.
Please focus on taking care of yourself and your daughters. Al-anon and ala-teen would be a great place to support you all.
Please continue to post because we understand and care so much.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
You are in my thoughts and prayers.
You wife sounds like a monster and it sounds like the worst is yet to come.
We are here, please keep posting, this is your time, your healing, your chance and your childrens chance to be at peace.
love to youKatie.
You wife sounds like a monster and it sounds like the worst is yet to come.
We are here, please keep posting, this is your time, your healing, your chance and your childrens chance to be at peace.
love to youKatie.
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Please keep reaching out, posting, sharing, and getting help.
I really want you to know that I care and I believe with my heart that whether or not *she* is okay, you will find a way to be okay. Even better than okay. At peace in the midst of chaos. The eye in the middle of the storm, if you will.
Many hugs
Love and Light,
Lily
I really want you to know that I care and I believe with my heart that whether or not *she* is okay, you will find a way to be okay. Even better than okay. At peace in the midst of chaos. The eye in the middle of the storm, if you will.
Many hugs
Love and Light,
Lily
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
I heartily agree that you have done all you can do to protect your children from harm, and unfortunately also agree that she will get worse in future.
Having her back would be like inviting a suicide bomber into your home, because she doesn't give a toss about anyone or anything but her next drink, and God help anyone standing between her and that drink.
Please continue as you are, caring for these children and also for yourself.....Alanon is a place of help and healing for so many who are shattered and bewildered by the insanity and horror of alcoholism. Also reading everything about this addiction you can get your hands on and if necessary a good therapist.
You are in the midst of chaos and pain right now, but it will ease as you learn more and put barriers between your family and the destructive force she brings.
I wish you love, hope and strength.
Having her back would be like inviting a suicide bomber into your home, because she doesn't give a toss about anyone or anything but her next drink, and God help anyone standing between her and that drink.
Please continue as you are, caring for these children and also for yourself.....Alanon is a place of help and healing for so many who are shattered and bewildered by the insanity and horror of alcoholism. Also reading everything about this addiction you can get your hands on and if necessary a good therapist.
You are in the midst of chaos and pain right now, but it will ease as you learn more and put barriers between your family and the destructive force she brings.
I wish you love, hope and strength.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Seeking Peace
Posts: 1,371
My heart goes out to you. I understand what you have been through and how you feel more than you can know. I've been in your shoes and it hurts.
The only way out is to make sure that each and every decision you make from this point forward is based SOLELY on whats good for you and your daughters. Your wife cannot be part of the equation. She is a VERY sick woman and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to help her get well. In fact, anything you do in the name of 'helping' will actually hurt her in the long run.
If she were healthy in and in her right mind, she would tell you to keep the kids safe and to give them the opportunity to grow up in a peaceful, safe, calm and healthy environment. Any mother in her right mind would want this for her kids. The thing is, she isn't in her right mind. Her thoughts and actions are controlled by her addiction. She will try to guilt you and manipulate her into 'helping' her...into giving her 'one more chance'. These are the words and manipulation tactics of an addict...a hostage taker. Don't fall for it. don't let your guard down.
Al anon has been a HUGE help to me. It helped me to navigate myself out of the hellish situation I found myself in into a place of peace and serenity. I hope you'll give it a try. There are plenty of men at our meetings.
Sorry for your predicament. I'm glad you reached out. Stay strong.
Mary
The only way out is to make sure that each and every decision you make from this point forward is based SOLELY on whats good for you and your daughters. Your wife cannot be part of the equation. She is a VERY sick woman and there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you can do to help her get well. In fact, anything you do in the name of 'helping' will actually hurt her in the long run.
If she were healthy in and in her right mind, she would tell you to keep the kids safe and to give them the opportunity to grow up in a peaceful, safe, calm and healthy environment. Any mother in her right mind would want this for her kids. The thing is, she isn't in her right mind. Her thoughts and actions are controlled by her addiction. She will try to guilt you and manipulate her into 'helping' her...into giving her 'one more chance'. These are the words and manipulation tactics of an addict...a hostage taker. Don't fall for it. don't let your guard down.
Al anon has been a HUGE help to me. It helped me to navigate myself out of the hellish situation I found myself in into a place of peace and serenity. I hope you'll give it a try. There are plenty of men at our meetings.
Sorry for your predicament. I'm glad you reached out. Stay strong.
Mary
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Welcome to SR.
You have found a great resource for experience, strength and hope. There is much wisdom to be had here.
You have already received some very good advice. I am just going to second on going to Al-Anon for yourself. It is a great place to get the tools you need to start putting your life back together. I can honestly say it was a life saver for me.
Keep coming back and reading and posting. This is a great group and we are all here for each other.
I also want you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is possible to get better and live a normal life again.
Your friend,
You have found a great resource for experience, strength and hope. There is much wisdom to be had here.
You have already received some very good advice. I am just going to second on going to Al-Anon for yourself. It is a great place to get the tools you need to start putting your life back together. I can honestly say it was a life saver for me.
Keep coming back and reading and posting. This is a great group and we are all here for each other.
I also want you to know there is a light at the end of the tunnel. It is possible to get better and live a normal life again.
Your friend,
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
