Inlovebuthurt

Ive been with my boyfriend for 5 months now. I have fallen deeply in love with him. i didnt know of his drinking problem at first. But then when we were becoming really close he would be having drinks all the time. Once he finally told me he drinks all the time, i told him straight i dont agree with it. So he stopped for a while.

Things were good for about a month or so, but now the "pain" is catching up to him. And its the only way to help calm that down. I have tried everything and this is the last straw. He stays up till 4+ in the morning to drink after i leave at 11. Everytime i get upset about it, it leads him to drink more. I know believe he does this just so he will have another excuse to drink.

He tells me he knows its bad and he wants to quite but he is now dependent on it when things are not going right. We have had so many talks but i cant stand by and watch him ruin his life and mine. I domt wanna get that call that we all dread.
I wanna help and stay with him. But idk what to do. My boyfriends and alcoholic what do i do?

Please help; tips, steps, things to say?

Thumper

Hello and welcome to SR. The stickies at the top contain tons of great information and support.

Your boyfriend is an active alcoholic. You can't stand by and watch him ruin your life. To rectify those two statements you need to make the painful, self loving, responsible decision to let him go.

You can not change him or only take part of him. You can't cut the alcoholism out of the picture. If you do not want to be with an alcoholic, don't stay with an alcoholic.

The nature of alcoholism is that there is nothing you can do or say that will make any difference. He's locked into addiction no matter what you say or do. Only he holds the key to that lock and it doesn't sound like he is even looking for it right now.

gerryP

Yeah.....what ever happened to "dating" being a weeding out process?

suki44883

Welcome to SR, Inlove. Most of us have dealt with this issue or very similar in our lives and we had to learn that there is nothing we can do for an alcoholic unless they want recovery for themselves and are willing to do whatever it takes to get it.

He knows how you feel about his drinking, but he still drinks. So, the decision you have to make is whether or not you wish to proceed in a relationship with him as he is right now...TODAY. Someone who drinks himself into oblivion every night.

It sounds like you have your own place, which is great. It makes it that much easier to detach from him and his alcoholism. If you don't want to stand by and watch him ruin his life, then you are going to have to be the one to give up your front row seat.

Alucard

Agreed that you need to walk away...the Alcoholic doesnt care about anything except where to get more booze. I certainly got in over my head with my AW,who hid the extent of her alcoholism from me, I saw it roughly 2 weeks in and I said OMG this is NOT going to work. I started putting it all together, the extended abdomen, the fact she wasnt eating, the morning tremors and nausea, the bad acid indigestion daily, and the drinking that was beginning at 11 am and continuing until 3am....she would be on the couch after consuming an 8 pack and then ask me to drive her to the liquor store for a couple of vodka miniatures.....her inebriation began to be a major, major turn off. Her entire life and being seemed to revolve around how and where to get more beer and vodka. We couldnt do normal things as a couple. Restaurants? Forget it, she only wanted to drink, food made her ill. Movies? Why spend 35 bucks for a night out at the movies when that was 35 bucks we could spend at the liquor store. Even the bar, seemed not to interest her, as $4 a beer was "what she could get a 4 pack of tall cans with"....my Harley? Forget it, she was vaguely intersested in it, her only concern was that I needed to get saddlebags for her beer.
Her only interest seemed to be getting to her own friend's or relative's home and having drinking parties there into the night, and that bored the crap out of me.

I am filing for divorce, and someday hope to find a NON-ALCOHOLIC woman who wants to do fun stuff together, I would flat out run from another drunk.

Learn2Live

Run away from him before you get in any deeper with this guy. This is a no-win situation for you.

onceuponatime2

Nothing you say or do will help him or hurt him as far as his addiction is concerned. He has to want to get sober and do the work himself to remain sober.

The only person you can help is yourself. Things you can do for yourself are going to alanon, reading books on addiction and codependency and seeking counseling for yourself. You are worth saving.

DarkDays

If you was mY daughter I would pray all night long that you would leave this guy.

marie1960

You getting upset has absolutely no reflection on whether or not he drinks. He could win the lottery, and he still would be an alkie.

With only five months invested, I would cut my loss. Not going to lie to you, it will sting for a bit, but you will get thru it.

I can't help ask, why do you think you deserve this guy? He is not adding joy to your life.

It truly is possible to share your love with someone worthy. Time to start thinking about you. He is on self destruct.

CeciliaV

Inlove...I'm so sorry. It's beyond hard when someone you love is an alcoholic, regardless of how long you've been together - it still hurts even if you've "only" been together for 5 months. If he wants to quit drinking, he will. All you can do is set your personal boundaries. And if he doesn't respect those boundaries, then the decision is yours as to what to do next. If you choose to stay by his side through this, then just know that talking to him will do little - I think a lot of us here have tried to talk our alcoholic loved ones to a better place, but it usually just leads to arguments, lies, and drinking.

I wish you much strength, peace, and hugs.