he says it's all my fault
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11
he says it's all my fault
My husband hasn't been drinking, I am thankful for that. He quit AA after step 3, he thinks it's a bunch of nonsense.
Today, he told me our relationship issues are because I "am avoiding the REAL issue in our marriage" when I asked him what he thought the "real" issue is, he ignored me. I told him to let me know what the issue is so I could see his point of view. In my mind, the real issue is that he was drunk for the last 10 years and we are completely different people now than we were before he started drinking.
So tonight, after the kids were in bed, I asked again. I was nice about it, because if he sees something as a problem, then it needs to be addressed. He said "it's nothing, we'll talk tomorrow." Then he said that I just didn't realize that I was a major contributing factor to the problems in the marriage, and that our problems weren't his fault.
The whole thing felt rather manipulative, from start to finish. I told him if he felt I was the problem, then I was willing to listen to what he had to say. But he said nothing, and I ended up leaving the room.
I know I have my own problems, I've been working on it. I've been angry for quite a while, 10 years with a drunk can do that to you, but I've been doing so much better. Feeling so much better. I've been enjoying my life, my kids.
He made me feel completely worthless in less than 2 minutes. It wasn't really the words, but the look. I can't explain it. I can't figure it out. I'm okay now, just had to leave the room and vent.
Today, he told me our relationship issues are because I "am avoiding the REAL issue in our marriage" when I asked him what he thought the "real" issue is, he ignored me. I told him to let me know what the issue is so I could see his point of view. In my mind, the real issue is that he was drunk for the last 10 years and we are completely different people now than we were before he started drinking.
So tonight, after the kids were in bed, I asked again. I was nice about it, because if he sees something as a problem, then it needs to be addressed. He said "it's nothing, we'll talk tomorrow." Then he said that I just didn't realize that I was a major contributing factor to the problems in the marriage, and that our problems weren't his fault.
The whole thing felt rather manipulative, from start to finish. I told him if he felt I was the problem, then I was willing to listen to what he had to say. But he said nothing, and I ended up leaving the room.
I know I have my own problems, I've been working on it. I've been angry for quite a while, 10 years with a drunk can do that to you, but I've been doing so much better. Feeling so much better. I've been enjoying my life, my kids.
He made me feel completely worthless in less than 2 minutes. It wasn't really the words, but the look. I can't explain it. I can't figure it out. I'm okay now, just had to leave the room and vent.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: Baltimore MD
Posts: 67
I can definitely relate my RAH has 15 months of not drinking, notice I didn't say sober. I've learned through Al Anon that alcoholism is a disease. Active drinking is just a symptom of the disease. My RAH left AA around 6 months, I don't know exactly why because I'm trying really hard to stay in my lane and work my recovery. Obsessing about what he's going through is not healthy for me and honestly, its sooooooo hard not to!! Especially when he gets in one of his "I'm not talking to you" moods for what appears to me to be no reason. If the alcoholic doesn't get mental help in therapy or AA for what the drinking has done to them mentally they still have a diseased mind. If they don't get help they are still living with the guilt and shame of all the years from active drinking.
Focus on you, go to Al ANon meetings in your area. Join an online group like ***** Group: Courage to Change. Read CAL literature and learn about detachment. We both have spent years (I'm in year 9) loving an alcoholic. Picking up the pieces of their drinking and its effects on our lives and our kids. It's a one day at a time process. Work towards making progress not perfection. Say the serenity prayer over and over when he's plucking your nerves. (I say it out loud sometimes, he gets the point) and remember you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it so Let Go and let God handle it.
Wishing you all the best...
Focus on you, go to Al ANon meetings in your area. Join an online group like ***** Group: Courage to Change. Read CAL literature and learn about detachment. We both have spent years (I'm in year 9) loving an alcoholic. Picking up the pieces of their drinking and its effects on our lives and our kids. It's a one day at a time process. Work towards making progress not perfection. Say the serenity prayer over and over when he's plucking your nerves. (I say it out loud sometimes, he gets the point) and remember you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CONTROL it and you can't CURE it so Let Go and let God handle it.
Wishing you all the best...
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
The symptoms of untreated alcoholism (manifesting when the alcoholic is dry) include grandiosity, anger, resentment, blame-shifting, irritability, discontent, restlessness, and -- as a result of these untreated symptoms -- severely damaged relationships.
The problems in your marriage are the direct result of his untreated alcoholism. You did not cause that alcoholism and you did not cause the self-centered, self-seeking, self-inflating alcoholic personality that it created.
He is still the Center of the Universe. And he is abusing you emotionally when he makes damaging accusations in a passive-aggressive way--pretending not to be intent on hurting you when that is exactly his goal because he is miserable and it feels good to make someone else miserable.
Your problem in the marriage has been that you gradually learned to ask for nothing. That has been your problem. It is the problem of codependency. But you no longer have to live that way.
You have the right to expect more from your husband, you have the right to expect him to seek treatment for the emotional and spiritual sickness resulting from untreated alcoholism.
And if he refuses, you have the right to walk away and find a healthy life free of a sick man blaming you for his problems.
The problems in your marriage are the direct result of his untreated alcoholism. You did not cause that alcoholism and you did not cause the self-centered, self-seeking, self-inflating alcoholic personality that it created.
He is still the Center of the Universe. And he is abusing you emotionally when he makes damaging accusations in a passive-aggressive way--pretending not to be intent on hurting you when that is exactly his goal because he is miserable and it feels good to make someone else miserable.
Your problem in the marriage has been that you gradually learned to ask for nothing. That has been your problem. It is the problem of codependency. But you no longer have to live that way.
You have the right to expect more from your husband, you have the right to expect him to seek treatment for the emotional and spiritual sickness resulting from untreated alcoholism.
And if he refuses, you have the right to walk away and find a healthy life free of a sick man blaming you for his problems.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,754
Yes, it's amazing how it's never the alcoholics fault. Drug addicts have the same symdrome.
Do not buy it, What English Garden said above is the truth of it.
Your husbands amends list just keeps growing.
No program, No recovery.
Do not buy it, What English Garden said above is the truth of it.
Your husbands amends list just keeps growing.
No program, No recovery.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
If someone is fair dinkum about a situation being "your fault", to the point where they come out and say so....they do not then clam up about in what way you are to blame.
If they are real, then after saying "this is your fault", they then tell you how and why it is your fault.
Guess what? He is not for real, he is not fair dinkum. He is quacking and manipulating and that is all it is.
If he comes out with the same ballyhoo and doesn't follow up with how or why...may I suggest you just look at him quizzically and either say "really, Oh" or say nothing.
He can't tell you why it is your fault because it isn't, but he can try and put you on the back foot and take attention away from his shortcomings, and maybe punish you for his suffering, because he isn't drinking when he wants to be.
If they are real, then after saying "this is your fault", they then tell you how and why it is your fault.
Guess what? He is not for real, he is not fair dinkum. He is quacking and manipulating and that is all it is.
If he comes out with the same ballyhoo and doesn't follow up with how or why...may I suggest you just look at him quizzically and either say "really, Oh" or say nothing.
He can't tell you why it is your fault because it isn't, but he can try and put you on the back foot and take attention away from his shortcomings, and maybe punish you for his suffering, because he isn't drinking when he wants to be.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hi Chloe,
To me, it sounds like classic deflection (if I tell her it's all her fault, she won't pay attention to my drinking), a relapse ready to happen (if it hasn't already), and a red flag saying he's not ready to quit drinking.
To me, it sounds like classic deflection (if I tell her it's all her fault, she won't pay attention to my drinking), a relapse ready to happen (if it hasn't already), and a red flag saying he's not ready to quit drinking.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
recovering alcoholic here and this is what i'm reading you r husband said:
" i quit AA after step 3 because step 4 says i gotta look at myself and see where i was the problem in everything and i'm not the problem its everyone else."
he didnt say anything because deep down inside, even though he doesnt want to admit it, he knows he is the problem, but still trying to blame you.
i highly suggest not letting him get away with it. iffen he gets to blaming you or trying to manipulate you. i highly suggest ya get brutally honest with him. when i get selfish and start trying to blame my girlfriend( who is also in recovery and we met in recovery, and i do this to her,too) fro things( which is very rare now) she simply would tell me something like," your problem is with the man in the mirror. if he cant help, call your sponsor."
" i quit AA after step 3 because step 4 says i gotta look at myself and see where i was the problem in everything and i'm not the problem its everyone else."
he didnt say anything because deep down inside, even though he doesnt want to admit it, he knows he is the problem, but still trying to blame you.
i highly suggest not letting him get away with it. iffen he gets to blaming you or trying to manipulate you. i highly suggest ya get brutally honest with him. when i get selfish and start trying to blame my girlfriend( who is also in recovery and we met in recovery, and i do this to her,too) fro things( which is very rare now) she simply would tell me something like," your problem is with the man in the mirror. if he cant help, call your sponsor."
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 88
Originally Posted by tomsteve 
recovering alcoholic here and this is what i'm reading you r husband said:
" i quit AA after step 3 because step 4 says i gotta look at myself and see where i was the problem in everything and i'm not the problem its everyone else."
he didnt say anything because deep down inside, even though he doesnt want to admit it, he knows he is the problem, but still trying to blame you.
i highly suggest not letting him get away with it. iffen he gets to blaming you or trying to manipulate you. i highly suggest ya get brutally honest with him. when i get selfish and start trying to blame my girlfriend( who is also in recovery and we met in recovery, and i do this to her,too) fro things( which is very rare now) she simply would tell me something like," your problem is with the man in the mirror. if he cant help, call your sponsor."
" i quit AA after step 3 because step 4 says i gotta look at myself and see where i was the problem in everything and i'm not the problem its everyone else."
he didnt say anything because deep down inside, even though he doesnt want to admit it, he knows he is the problem, but still trying to blame you.
i highly suggest not letting him get away with it. iffen he gets to blaming you or trying to manipulate you. i highly suggest ya get brutally honest with him. when i get selfish and start trying to blame my girlfriend( who is also in recovery and we met in recovery, and i do this to her,too) fro things( which is very rare now) she simply would tell me something like," your problem is with the man in the mirror. if he cant help, call your sponsor."
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
ChloeJ,
I am new to recovery, only sober 5 weeks, but I get what you are saying. In just this short amount of time I have already had a few bouts of blaming my BF. I even went as far as to think I was able to put up with him because I was drunk(didn't say that to him thank God) I am ashamed to have even thought that, because he is a caring and supportive guy whom I love greatly (of course he is not perfect, who is?)
I guess the bottom line is I can only change myself, and take responsibility for my own actions, no one forced me to become an alcoholic.
My BF never blames all our problems on my drinking as well and thinks I am just great. I am lucky.
I am new to recovery, only sober 5 weeks, but I get what you are saying. In just this short amount of time I have already had a few bouts of blaming my BF. I even went as far as to think I was able to put up with him because I was drunk(didn't say that to him thank God) I am ashamed to have even thought that, because he is a caring and supportive guy whom I love greatly (of course he is not perfect, who is?)
I guess the bottom line is I can only change myself, and take responsibility for my own actions, no one forced me to become an alcoholic.
My BF never blames all our problems on my drinking as well and thinks I am just great. I am lucky.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
He also doesn't want to think that he is 100% of all problems. Granted, nobody is. But he's probably feeling guilty.
He also wants to bring you down, his master manipulative tactics are his way of beating you into submission. If you feel guilty too--he doesn't have to feel as guilty for what he owns, you get confused, and he wants you confused...don't they all?
He also wants to bring you down, his master manipulative tactics are his way of beating you into submission. If you feel guilty too--he doesn't have to feel as guilty for what he owns, you get confused, and he wants you confused...don't they all?
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
The blame shifting is par for the course - its never their fault.
Don't let it get to you - if he really believes what he said, he should just discuss it with you...in the meantime, just put it down to "quacking"
M.
Don't let it get to you - if he really believes what he said, he should just discuss it with you...in the meantime, just put it down to "quacking"
M.
Member
Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
Nobody likes to admit they are wrong or done things they are ashamed of. It happens a lot on our side of the street as well. I know some of the things I said and did aimed at my AW were totally inappropriate.
This is why both programs have a step four.
In my case we had a alcoholic and an enabler in a dance of both of us being victims, nothing was our fault going in a downward spiral.
I finally made the choice to step off the dance floor and work a recovery. She found a new dance partner.
Your friend,
This is why both programs have a step four.
In my case we had a alcoholic and an enabler in a dance of both of us being victims, nothing was our fault going in a downward spiral.
I finally made the choice to step off the dance floor and work a recovery. She found a new dance partner.
Your friend,
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Join Date: May 2005
Location: Upstate NY
Posts: 1,637
In my case we had a alcoholic and an enabler in a dance of both of us being victims, nothing was our fault going in a downward spiral.
Fact is... we both destroyed our marriage. I got into recovery... recognized my role/my culpability. I went to my then AH and "fessed" up - it did more damage than good. He jumped right on that as evidence of his position that was was solely to blame. Lovely.
Alcoholism is a horrible disease to live with when left untreated.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 11
Thanks guys. I felt better after I vented, and thought it all out. I thought about the relapse thing, his frustration level is high, and he's a little on edge. But it's not my problem. He has to work that out on his own.
I believe my biggest problem is that I don't know the man I'm married to. He's not the same man I married, and while getting to know him as he is now, I've realized I don't like him very much. I'm not good at boundaries yet, but I know that what he did yesterday was unacceptable to me. Today, I'm just to the point where I don't care anymore. He's decided that he's going to work this weekend instead of taking vacation with me and the kids. And I'm relieved. Looks like the kids and I get some stress free camping time...and he can work.
He's 9 months dry. I almost think it's been worse than the 10 years drunk.
I believe my biggest problem is that I don't know the man I'm married to. He's not the same man I married, and while getting to know him as he is now, I've realized I don't like him very much. I'm not good at boundaries yet, but I know that what he did yesterday was unacceptable to me. Today, I'm just to the point where I don't care anymore. He's decided that he's going to work this weekend instead of taking vacation with me and the kids. And I'm relieved. Looks like the kids and I get some stress free camping time...and he can work.
He's 9 months dry. I almost think it's been worse than the 10 years drunk.
I looked like that holdin beer
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 627
ChloeJ,
"He's 9 months dry. I almost think it's been worse than the 10 years drunk."
That makes me so mad, I want to go over there and slap some sense into him!! Grrrrrrrrrr
Hope you and the kids have a wonderful weekend without Mr grump
"He's 9 months dry. I almost think it's been worse than the 10 years drunk."
That makes me so mad, I want to go over there and slap some sense into him!! Grrrrrrrrrr
Hope you and the kids have a wonderful weekend without Mr grump
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Join Date: Jan 2011
Location: Anchorage, Alaska
Posts: 4,719
Chloe, big hugs to you today. It's amazing how we get what we wish for only to find it isn't the be-all end-all either. I thought if he'd just stop drinking, everything would be the way it was before. But it wasn't. Just stopping drinking is only the tip of the iceberg for many.
I realize now that I never knew my husband sober. He was a drunk long before we met and subsequently married. I have no idea who he is as a person, other than what I have seen over the last 18 months, and I agree with you that I don't like who this person is either. As a matter of fact, I think he's got some kind of behavioral disorder. or at least a serious case of distorted thinking. However, it is his right to live in his own reality and experience his own truths. If I find this unacceptable, it is my problem.
Just remember that setting boundaries for yourself is something you do for you, not as a method to control his behavior and treatment of you. Only he can change himself.
Take good care,
~T
I realize now that I never knew my husband sober. He was a drunk long before we met and subsequently married. I have no idea who he is as a person, other than what I have seen over the last 18 months, and I agree with you that I don't like who this person is either. As a matter of fact, I think he's got some kind of behavioral disorder. or at least a serious case of distorted thinking. However, it is his right to live in his own reality and experience his own truths. If I find this unacceptable, it is my problem.
Just remember that setting boundaries for yourself is something you do for you, not as a method to control his behavior and treatment of you. Only he can change himself.
Take good care,
~T
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