He's going to his first AA meeting tonight
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
He's going to his first AA meeting tonight
Actually, he's there right now. He's been riddled with anxiety all day. He had to stay home today since he had full on panic attacks and was physically ill most of the morning. He was so anxious and afraid that he planned on skipping the meeting tonight & going to another one later this week (there are only a few Quad A meetings in our area, and some conflict with his other group therapy sessions).
When we spoke about 4pm today, he told me he wasn't going. I did my best to not judge and told him it was his decision on whether to go - I wasn't going to make him go. We chatted a bit about why he was so anxious & afraid. I did what I usually do (bringing humor into a stressful situation) and joked that it's not like they're going to try to EAT him when he walks in the door. We actually had a good zombie AA chuckle before I bid him adieu so I could drive home from work.
When I got home about 5pm, he was still very anxious and I could see the anxiety & fear in him. Somehow, over the course of that next hour, he found the courage to decide to go. He was still terrified, but he was going! Huge step!
I tried to help as best I could without being too doting - did a quick googling of what to expect at your first AA meeting to try to help assuage his fears a bit (part of me was afraid he'd decide to not go before he actually got out the door)...told him he doesn't have to talk or do anything he doesn't want to, he can just say "Hi, I'll pass" or "I'll just listen tonight," etc. Told him that if he doesn't like this meeting, he can find another that he does like. Reminded him that everyone there was an attendee at their first meeting at one point and they'd likely be understanding.
Just before he left, he asked, "Well, what's the worst that could happen?" I replied, "Well...they could turn out to be zombies!" And on his way out the door, he promised to call if anyone tried to eat him.
When we spoke about 4pm today, he told me he wasn't going. I did my best to not judge and told him it was his decision on whether to go - I wasn't going to make him go. We chatted a bit about why he was so anxious & afraid. I did what I usually do (bringing humor into a stressful situation) and joked that it's not like they're going to try to EAT him when he walks in the door. We actually had a good zombie AA chuckle before I bid him adieu so I could drive home from work.
When I got home about 5pm, he was still very anxious and I could see the anxiety & fear in him. Somehow, over the course of that next hour, he found the courage to decide to go. He was still terrified, but he was going! Huge step!
I tried to help as best I could without being too doting - did a quick googling of what to expect at your first AA meeting to try to help assuage his fears a bit (part of me was afraid he'd decide to not go before he actually got out the door)...told him he doesn't have to talk or do anything he doesn't want to, he can just say "Hi, I'll pass" or "I'll just listen tonight," etc. Told him that if he doesn't like this meeting, he can find another that he does like. Reminded him that everyone there was an attendee at their first meeting at one point and they'd likely be understanding.
Just before he left, he asked, "Well, what's the worst that could happen?" I replied, "Well...they could turn out to be zombies!" And on his way out the door, he promised to call if anyone tried to eat him.
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Join Date: May 2012
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Good news - he just called. And he's REALLY glad he went. (And not one zombie in attendance either, lol!)
The group of people there were really supportive and friendly. A few came up to him afterwards, and they said that they know first meetings are hard and that he's made a big step, and they encouraged him to come back. Apparently, they make a habit of going out to dinner after meetings, so he's planning on going back next Monday & doing the meet-and-dine thing. I don't want to get my hopes up...but I'm so proud of him for getting up the courage to go, and it's so encouraging that he's already talking about going back next week.
The group of people there were really supportive and friendly. A few came up to him afterwards, and they said that they know first meetings are hard and that he's made a big step, and they encouraged him to come back. Apparently, they make a habit of going out to dinner after meetings, so he's planning on going back next Monday & doing the meet-and-dine thing. I don't want to get my hopes up...but I'm so proud of him for getting up the courage to go, and it's so encouraging that he's already talking about going back next week.
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
cool beans!! now, i dont know iffen ya would let him read this but as a recovering alcoholic, i have some suggestions for him:
going to meetings and not drinking doesnt treat alcoholism. AA has whats called the Big Book. it has our program of action and it works very good at getting people sober. get it, read it, and do what it suggest to do.
at the next meeting, get phone numbers and a sponsor. if he doesnt know what a sponsor is, there is info online and if ya send me a PM i'll send ya some links.
not sure where ya live, but i am willing to bet there are meetings happening before monday comes around again. the more meetings early on the better. get phone numbers. they arent just for hanging on the fridge. they are for calling when thinkn gets buggered up. that plus they are lighter than any bottle and will solve problems much better.
going to meetings and not drinking doesnt treat alcoholism. AA has whats called the Big Book. it has our program of action and it works very good at getting people sober. get it, read it, and do what it suggest to do.
at the next meeting, get phone numbers and a sponsor. if he doesnt know what a sponsor is, there is info online and if ya send me a PM i'll send ya some links.
not sure where ya live, but i am willing to bet there are meetings happening before monday comes around again. the more meetings early on the better. get phone numbers. they arent just for hanging on the fridge. they are for calling when thinkn gets buggered up. that plus they are lighter than any bottle and will solve problems much better.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by Mo S 
tomsteve; friends and family is just that...not for the the alcoholic. Its support for friends and family members. just saying.
Sometimes I might like to read or post on the alcoholic board. Is there guidelines that say don't do this?
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Join Date: May 2011
Location: Memphis, TN
Posts: 2,884
There are plenty of people who post here who are double winners and post in both areas. I think as long as the post is appropriate to the forum you are posting in an to that particular thread there would be no issues.
Your friend,
Your friend,
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Originally Posted by Mo S
tomsteve; friends and family is just that...not for the the alcoholic. Its support for friends and family members. just saying.
i have a lot of knowledge of what didnt work for my friends and family when i was a practicing alcoholic,too.
is being a recovering alcoholic against the rules for trying to help other friends and family?
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Originally Posted by tomsteve
is being a recovering alcoholic against the rules for trying to help other friends and family?
Every member of the SoberRecovery community is allowed to post anywhere within the forum--with the exception of the "Men's Only" and "Women's Only" forums.
What I hope that all our members will keep in mind: Our F&F members are not the person you may resent because they left you, stopped paying for everything, wouldn't bail you out, etc. Conversely, our recovering addicts and alcoholics are NOT the person who treated you so badly because of his/her addiction.
Ultimately, we do all want the same thing, right? To live joyous and peaceful lives.
Peace in the valley, HG
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
tomsteve, from one drunk to another, you are okay here.
i mean you are a yooper too, you need all the friends you can get!
hehehehe
sorry, just kidding. It's 94 or something down here in Waterford!
Cecelia,
I am glad he had a good reaction to his first meeting.
I hope he continues to go. I agree with tomsteve, early days still, it is good to make many meetings a week. Just my opinion and what worked for me.
I never find the meetings with dinner, I am lucky to find a stale donut or two.
guess I should bring my own doughnuts?
:ghug3
Beth
i mean you are a yooper too, you need all the friends you can get!
hehehehe
sorry, just kidding. It's 94 or something down here in Waterford!
Cecelia,
I am glad he had a good reaction to his first meeting.
I hope he continues to go. I agree with tomsteve, early days still, it is good to make many meetings a week. Just my opinion and what worked for me.
I never find the meetings with dinner, I am lucky to find a stale donut or two.
guess I should bring my own doughnuts?
:ghug3
Beth
Survivor
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Proud Upstate New Yorker
Posts: 869
Cecelia,
I'm happy he had a good experience. I genuinely hope he hasa fulfilling recovery.
And I also hope the best for you too.
ETA: I enjoy your posts tomsteve. You have encouraged me more than once.
Many hugs,
Lily
I'm happy he had a good experience. I genuinely hope he hasa fulfilling recovery.
And I also hope the best for you too.
ETA: I enjoy your posts tomsteve. You have encouraged me more than once.
Many hugs,
Lily
RNAlanon
Join Date: May 2012
Location: Murrells Inlet, S.C.
Posts: 17
Please explain second part of this "reminder."
Maybe I'm rally having a brain fart here.llgot the first part of this paragraph...not the second 
What I hope that all our members will keep in mind: Our F&F members are not the person you may resent because they left you, stopped paying for everything, wouldn't bail you out, etc. Conversely, our recovering addicts and alcoholics are NOT the person who treated you so badly because of his/addiction.
What I hope that all our members will keep in mind: Our F&F members are not the person you may resent because they left you, stopped paying for everything, wouldn't bail you out, etc. Conversely, our recovering addicts and alcoholics are NOT the person who treated you so badly because of his/addiction.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
thanks to all for the replies & words of encouragement! 
And yes...I agree - the more meetings, the better, especially early in his recovery (and especially since he's been on & off the wagon a lot and seems to struggle once he hits any sort of milestone or road bump). He was encouraged last night to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. What he said to me last night was that he's not sure he can do that. I would love it if he did, but it's his choice. Part of what's holding him back (I think) is that the meeting he went to was a Quad A meeting - so it's for agnostics, atheists; no focus on a higher power or religion or giving yourself to god, etc. He's quite (okay, VERY) intolerant of the traditional AA focus on religion, and I don't think he could hold his tongue and be respectful AND get something out of a 'regular' AA meeting. There's a limited number of Quad A meeting each day in our area (either 1 or 2 a day), and it's spread out throughout the city & adjoining 'burbs. Not that I'm trying to make excuses for him, don't get me wrong, but he's got work commitments and other group therapy sessions that conflict with Quad A meetings at least 2-3 nights a week, and he's also going to individual therapy sessions for addiction/issues/etc. So scheduling is definitely an issue. But in all likelihood, a bit of lingering fear and the OMG HOW MANY MEETINGS IN HOW MANY DAYS factor are at also play here.
At this point, I'm not going to criticize or push him to go to more meetings - like I said, this is his choice on how to handle his recovery. I am however going to be supportive and encouraging of his decision to start (and keep) going to meetings, regardless of the number.
And as for A's posting on this F&F thread...honestly, it doesn't phase me a bit, as long as the forum etiquette is followed (be nice, I'm not the target or cause of any of your angst, and you're not mine, etc.). Sometimes it's good to get feedback from the other side, especially those who have or who are going through the recovery process.
@tomsteve - thanks for your post and suggestions. My husband seemed to connect with a couple of the people at the meeting (about 8 were there total), and I'm hoping he can find a sponsor or at least collect some phone numbers as he gets more comfortable. It's impossible for me to be an adequate support system for him as he goes through this, and I think it's important for him to be able to reach out to others who have gone through this. Thankfully, I have realized that I cannot be his entire support system, and he's realized this, too. He's starting to reach out to his sister (helping him through his individual therapy since she's already been down the therapy road and they have common history/issues) and his brother in law (who I swear was the pivotal factor in him going to the meeting last night - he basically told him to man up & go!). Now if he can get a sponsor and other folks from Quad A in the mix, he's in business!
Also...one thing he mentioned from the meeting yesterday kinda surprised me, and him - there was a collection basket passed around. I guess to help pay for the facility where they hold the meetings? I guess I missed that part of the "your first AA meeting" articles I read! Oops...
Again, thanks to all for the replies & kind words. Greatly appreciated. It's so good to feel supported.
And yes...I agree - the more meetings, the better, especially early in his recovery (and especially since he's been on & off the wagon a lot and seems to struggle once he hits any sort of milestone or road bump). He was encouraged last night to attend 90 meetings in 90 days. What he said to me last night was that he's not sure he can do that. I would love it if he did, but it's his choice. Part of what's holding him back (I think) is that the meeting he went to was a Quad A meeting - so it's for agnostics, atheists; no focus on a higher power or religion or giving yourself to god, etc. He's quite (okay, VERY) intolerant of the traditional AA focus on religion, and I don't think he could hold his tongue and be respectful AND get something out of a 'regular' AA meeting. There's a limited number of Quad A meeting each day in our area (either 1 or 2 a day), and it's spread out throughout the city & adjoining 'burbs. Not that I'm trying to make excuses for him, don't get me wrong, but he's got work commitments and other group therapy sessions that conflict with Quad A meetings at least 2-3 nights a week, and he's also going to individual therapy sessions for addiction/issues/etc. So scheduling is definitely an issue. But in all likelihood, a bit of lingering fear and the OMG HOW MANY MEETINGS IN HOW MANY DAYS factor are at also play here.
At this point, I'm not going to criticize or push him to go to more meetings - like I said, this is his choice on how to handle his recovery. I am however going to be supportive and encouraging of his decision to start (and keep) going to meetings, regardless of the number.
And as for A's posting on this F&F thread...honestly, it doesn't phase me a bit, as long as the forum etiquette is followed (be nice, I'm not the target or cause of any of your angst, and you're not mine, etc.). Sometimes it's good to get feedback from the other side, especially those who have or who are going through the recovery process.
@tomsteve - thanks for your post and suggestions. My husband seemed to connect with a couple of the people at the meeting (about 8 were there total), and I'm hoping he can find a sponsor or at least collect some phone numbers as he gets more comfortable. It's impossible for me to be an adequate support system for him as he goes through this, and I think it's important for him to be able to reach out to others who have gone through this. Thankfully, I have realized that I cannot be his entire support system, and he's realized this, too. He's starting to reach out to his sister (helping him through his individual therapy since she's already been down the therapy road and they have common history/issues) and his brother in law (who I swear was the pivotal factor in him going to the meeting last night - he basically told him to man up & go!). Now if he can get a sponsor and other folks from Quad A in the mix, he's in business!
Also...one thing he mentioned from the meeting yesterday kinda surprised me, and him - there was a collection basket passed around. I guess to help pay for the facility where they hold the meetings? I guess I missed that part of the "your first AA meeting" articles I read! Oops...
Again, thanks to all for the replies & kind words. Greatly appreciated. It's so good to feel supported.
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