SAHM not Married w/no support...
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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SAHM not Married w/no support...
...other than his mom, who has told me she doesn't want to be in the middle. Nor do I want her to be but, because she is a recovering alcoholic (and so is XABF's dad) as well as codependent, I figured she would have some insight on this and be more of a "neutral" ground than my friends who have told me to leave him and staying where I am which would threaten my resolve and entice me to return to "business as usual".
I have posted on the new to the forum section with my issues but didn't want to copy/paste (as that's a no-no on most forums I've been on and, I'll admit, I didn't read the rules...) so I'll sum up.
He's an alcoholic. I'm a recovering marijuana smoker. I also quit smoking cigarettes and am working toward an all out healthier existence for my 2yo daughter and I. I got sick of the alcoholic lying and general BS associated (never abusive physically) and have been miserable since I asked him to quit drinking/smoking while I was pregnant. He has barely been intimate with me since (has to be drunk) and has told me all of the things that I needed to change all while lying and hiding booze in his car, at work (works in a bar), etc. I told him last night after one of his "not lying, but not telling the truth moments" that am not going to be dragged down with him - it's over. He constantly puts our family at risk as he has a DUI but continues to drink and drive and lie to AA (court-ordered), his parents, and to me. He's the only breadwinner in the house and if he goes down, we all do. I don't have anything. No real family around and most of my friends are still stuck in what I was stuck in.
Moving on, what I really wanted to know is, are there any stay-at-home parents who were not married to their baby's father or mother and left? What should I expect as far as a custody fight as I have no money, no assets, and no degree? How did you get on your feet again?
Edited to add: Am going to College now and am only 14ish credits away from my AA degree. I was planning on continuing in the fall but have no idea how I'm going to be able to afford that either. Anyone have any thoughts for that as well as childcare is not covered as part of a student loan?
I have posted on the new to the forum section with my issues but didn't want to copy/paste (as that's a no-no on most forums I've been on and, I'll admit, I didn't read the rules...) so I'll sum up.
He's an alcoholic. I'm a recovering marijuana smoker. I also quit smoking cigarettes and am working toward an all out healthier existence for my 2yo daughter and I. I got sick of the alcoholic lying and general BS associated (never abusive physically) and have been miserable since I asked him to quit drinking/smoking while I was pregnant. He has barely been intimate with me since (has to be drunk) and has told me all of the things that I needed to change all while lying and hiding booze in his car, at work (works in a bar), etc. I told him last night after one of his "not lying, but not telling the truth moments" that am not going to be dragged down with him - it's over. He constantly puts our family at risk as he has a DUI but continues to drink and drive and lie to AA (court-ordered), his parents, and to me. He's the only breadwinner in the house and if he goes down, we all do. I don't have anything. No real family around and most of my friends are still stuck in what I was stuck in.
Moving on, what I really wanted to know is, are there any stay-at-home parents who were not married to their baby's father or mother and left? What should I expect as far as a custody fight as I have no money, no assets, and no degree? How did you get on your feet again?
Edited to add: Am going to College now and am only 14ish credits away from my AA degree. I was planning on continuing in the fall but have no idea how I'm going to be able to afford that either. Anyone have any thoughts for that as well as childcare is not covered as part of a student loan?
Last edited by Ambitionica; 07-15-2012 at 10:53 PM. Reason: edited to add
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Hello Ambitionica, Welcome to SR!
Your situation is not one I have experienced myself, but others will be along who can offer their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H). What I can tell you, and I'm sure your ex-boyfriend's mother can tell you, is that he will not stop drinking unless and until he is ready to quit. That's unlikely to happen until the consequences of his drinking are more painful than the thought of living without alcohol.
Please take good care of yourself and your precious little one! Congratulations on being so near the completion of your degree!!
Your situation is not one I have experienced myself, but others will be along who can offer their Experience, Strength, and Hope (ES&H). What I can tell you, and I'm sure your ex-boyfriend's mother can tell you, is that he will not stop drinking unless and until he is ready to quit. That's unlikely to happen until the consequences of his drinking are more painful than the thought of living without alcohol.
Please take good care of yourself and your precious little one! Congratulations on being so near the completion of your degree!!
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
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Hi A - welcome to the board 
I have found this an invaluable source of support and information.
that sounds like a tough spot to be in, I always found that I made my best decisions when I had accurate information to base them on: so does your college have a student assistance programme/counselling service that could help you find out what you would be entitled to if you were on your own? or could point you to women's organisations who might be able to give you some information.
hopefully others will be along soon with more specific help (I'm in the UK).
(())
I have found this an invaluable source of support and information.that sounds like a tough spot to be in, I always found that I made my best decisions when I had accurate information to base them on: so does your college have a student assistance programme/counselling service that could help you find out what you would be entitled to if you were on your own? or could point you to women's organisations who might be able to give you some information.
hopefully others will be along soon with more specific help (I'm in the UK).
(())
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Hello and welcome to SR.
If you are in the US head down to your Social Services office. There are some programs you probably qualify for that will help. Child care assistance, WIC, etc. Also find out what is available through you University. For instance mine had student housing (married or those with kids) that was much more affordable and also right on campus.
If you are in the US head down to your Social Services office. There are some programs you probably qualify for that will help. Child care assistance, WIC, etc. Also find out what is available through you University. For instance mine had student housing (married or those with kids) that was much more affordable and also right on campus.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
Yes, I have experience of being a SAHM (12 of 14 years in my recent marriage), and I also have experience with divorce (x2) with children.
In my first marriage, I married when I was very young (19). I had two children in that marriage. Alcoholism was an issue I didn't understand and it was part of that marriage. My parents lived overseas when I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I left the marriage and found a tiny garage apartment to rent. I quit my job in retail and went to work at our church daycare center. I worked from 12-6 p.m. at the daycare center and my son (infant) was allowed to stay at the center for a deeply discounted rate. I attended college in the early mornings (7-1130). My daughter was just starting school and the daycare center ran a shuttle to her school in the afternoons that delivered her to the daycare center.
Maybe working in a childcare environment could be an option for you while you continue your studies.
As far as custody fights, don't expect a lot of actual fight from an active alcoholic. That doesn't meant he won't try to bully you and threaten you. But when it comes to parting with drinking funds to pay a lawyer, don't count on them spending a lot of money on legal fees.
Check out all the resources in your college and your community. Keep reaching out for support! You and your child are worth the effort!
Yes, I have experience of being a SAHM (12 of 14 years in my recent marriage), and I also have experience with divorce (x2) with children.
In my first marriage, I married when I was very young (19). I had two children in that marriage. Alcoholism was an issue I didn't understand and it was part of that marriage. My parents lived overseas when I finally got sick and tired of being sick and tired. I left the marriage and found a tiny garage apartment to rent. I quit my job in retail and went to work at our church daycare center. I worked from 12-6 p.m. at the daycare center and my son (infant) was allowed to stay at the center for a deeply discounted rate. I attended college in the early mornings (7-1130). My daughter was just starting school and the daycare center ran a shuttle to her school in the afternoons that delivered her to the daycare center.
Maybe working in a childcare environment could be an option for you while you continue your studies.
As far as custody fights, don't expect a lot of actual fight from an active alcoholic. That doesn't meant he won't try to bully you and threaten you. But when it comes to parting with drinking funds to pay a lawyer, don't count on them spending a lot of money on legal fees.
Check out all the resources in your college and your community. Keep reaching out for support! You and your child are worth the effort!
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 8
Thank you for all of your responses!
I will definitely talk to my school and the Social Services office. Unfortunately, I have been fairly isolated as we have moved away from where my friends (unhealthy to live, but love from afar) and family (no longer speak to my mother and My father lives with his other family in another state) live and, although I have tried to go to church with our family in the past, I have never found one in our area that I have felt had the community connection in which I was looking and my XABF was never interested in organized religion, or any spirituality of any type, for that matter. My resources are limited to those of strangers and I'm not even sure how I'll go about this "chicken or the egg" situation in regards to having a job or finding a place to live.
I'm even questioning whether I should leave. It seems most of the people on these forums are dealing with 24/7 alcoholics where-as he, a self proclaimed alcoholic, is only drunk...well, I'm not sure how often. He was able to fool me into thinking that he was sober enough to drive the night he was pulled over for a .23 DUI so who knows how often he drinks. He usually owns up to it if he knows he's caught, admits it, uses the bit of info about being powerless over it because he's an alcoholic then continues to put our family on the line. I'm just tired of waiting. When I told him I was leaving, he cried and begged. He said he had never actually tried to quit since we had been together even though he said he would quit and to give him another chance. He, after getting denied his request, then pulled back his request and said that, yes, he did try once when he was with me and that was after he got caught with alcohol. He then tried to bait me with "and I remember the night I started drinking again" but I wasn't interested in playing that game.
As far as him fighting for custody, he absolutely will. He had an uncle who passed away and left him hundreds and thousands of dollars so he has the resources. The DUI effects him mostly because he has to go to AA three times a week as the money it cost to get him out of it just scratched the surface of his inheritance. All he has to do is throw a lot of money at his lawyer and he'll have her. He has always said that she would always be taken care of. Never said that about me or even implied it.
We are going to therapy again tonight but I am nervous. I feel so fragile about it all right now.
I will definitely talk to my school and the Social Services office. Unfortunately, I have been fairly isolated as we have moved away from where my friends (unhealthy to live, but love from afar) and family (no longer speak to my mother and My father lives with his other family in another state) live and, although I have tried to go to church with our family in the past, I have never found one in our area that I have felt had the community connection in which I was looking and my XABF was never interested in organized religion, or any spirituality of any type, for that matter. My resources are limited to those of strangers and I'm not even sure how I'll go about this "chicken or the egg" situation in regards to having a job or finding a place to live.
I'm even questioning whether I should leave. It seems most of the people on these forums are dealing with 24/7 alcoholics where-as he, a self proclaimed alcoholic, is only drunk...well, I'm not sure how often. He was able to fool me into thinking that he was sober enough to drive the night he was pulled over for a .23 DUI so who knows how often he drinks. He usually owns up to it if he knows he's caught, admits it, uses the bit of info about being powerless over it because he's an alcoholic then continues to put our family on the line. I'm just tired of waiting. When I told him I was leaving, he cried and begged. He said he had never actually tried to quit since we had been together even though he said he would quit and to give him another chance. He, after getting denied his request, then pulled back his request and said that, yes, he did try once when he was with me and that was after he got caught with alcohol. He then tried to bait me with "and I remember the night I started drinking again" but I wasn't interested in playing that game.
As far as him fighting for custody, he absolutely will. He had an uncle who passed away and left him hundreds and thousands of dollars so he has the resources. The DUI effects him mostly because he has to go to AA three times a week as the money it cost to get him out of it just scratched the surface of his inheritance. All he has to do is throw a lot of money at his lawyer and he'll have her. He has always said that she would always be taken care of. Never said that about me or even implied it.
We are going to therapy again tonight but I am nervous. I feel so fragile about it all right now.
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Oh, I had forgotten to mention that I will also look into childcare/nanny situations. It would be nice to have a live-in nanny situation that wouldn't mind my having my daughter with me. I think it would be a good lesson for both children on respect and socialization in general. Of course, this is ideal but I don't think it's probable but will try for it anyway as I would rather not have to be separated with her for what will feel like days between school and work while trying to make ends meet.
I still am having a hard time trying to understand Alcoholism. I feel that way about depression, too. Supposedly I suffer from depression, but I think that I just have other issues that I have been holding so I think it's more like suppression that has turned into inner anger and apathy. Similarly, I have a hard time believing that Alcoholism is a disease and feel it, too, is one of underlying issues that one does not want to resolve. It's just that person's choice mental escape, as I have viewed it in the past. Now, I'm not so sure. Whatever is going on can't get better without his choice to get better and I don't know what that will take. I don't know if his recent promise is true and I'm not sure I have it in me to wait with as many times as I have been told that it's my fault for one thing or the other that he won't be in intimate with me. Now, after I've been reading, it makes sense that he stopped sleeping with me or respecting my feelings in general after I asked him to quit drinking. He is mad that I would ask him to rid himself and our family of the one thing that makes him happy.
It's so hard to accept.
I still am having a hard time trying to understand Alcoholism. I feel that way about depression, too. Supposedly I suffer from depression, but I think that I just have other issues that I have been holding so I think it's more like suppression that has turned into inner anger and apathy. Similarly, I have a hard time believing that Alcoholism is a disease and feel it, too, is one of underlying issues that one does not want to resolve. It's just that person's choice mental escape, as I have viewed it in the past. Now, I'm not so sure. Whatever is going on can't get better without his choice to get better and I don't know what that will take. I don't know if his recent promise is true and I'm not sure I have it in me to wait with as many times as I have been told that it's my fault for one thing or the other that he won't be in intimate with me. Now, after I've been reading, it makes sense that he stopped sleeping with me or respecting my feelings in general after I asked him to quit drinking. He is mad that I would ask him to rid himself and our family of the one thing that makes him happy.
It's so hard to accept.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
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Is the term, fence sitter?
I hope I'm not expecting too much too fast. I also hope I didn't offend anyone by my thoughts about alcoholism. I guess I am just ignorant to it all and have a habit of expecting the worst and hoping for the best. I don't mean to disqualify the positive in all of your sayings, I guess I'm just scared and don't know how to react. For that, I apologize.
We went to our couples therapy appointment and told her as much as time allowed. I am leaving, he is drinking and lying as well as unhappy about his job, and our daughter is in the middle.
I was a little upset that she took my motivation to get out of a bad situation as one of a possible hypomanic episode (I'm unipolar, not bipolar). I was and am just so happy/relieved that someone can actually call him out on his drinking and catch him in a lie - I've felt so alone trying to deal with it and have only had invested parties on either side telling me what to do.
It was suggested, by our therapist, to go to an AA meeting as well as an Al-non meeting (already planned on this one) to find out more information so I can make an informed decision. I just don't think that anything is an excuse for treating someone with such disrespect and, in any case, I'm not sure things will change if I'm still in the picture. I think he might be changing his mind about wanting me to stick around too. The therapist asked him if he was really ready to quit drinking. He said he thought so. She asked what he planned to do instead"...or didn't he want to answer that yet?". He said he didn't want to answer yet.
Yup. That's what I thought, dude. Not prepared to really quit at all. And I feel terrible that his grief causes me any sort of relief and gladness, but it was just so nice to have my feelings validated instead of feeling like I was the only one with a problem.
Since the therapist had called him on it, he has become cold and crappy with me. I slept downstairs last night and that seemed to infuriate him further. We didn't talk the entire time we were upstairs. I was unaware that he wanted to talk but then pulled it on me at the end of the night like it was my fault. I'm going to try my best not to let him pull me down.
I will go to an open AA meeting and/or find an Al-non meeting while I'm visiting with his mom (she can stay with my daughter) on Friday night. Since I was so upset when being accused of manic thinking, I think there might be something to this so I will also keep a log of my thinking just to find out how "manic" I am, or whether I'm just ambitious and happy to be moving forward, and speak to a trained specialist about the honest results I will get with no mind-altering substances involved.
Has anyone ever stuck by the side of an Alcoholic and had a successful change long term? What have you done to get over your distrust to try and make the relationship work? Our therapist said for me to try and put my distrust on "hold", but I don't know how to do that without being apathetic and that will eventually breed more contempt. I feel so wishy-washy about this. What is the term...fence sitter?
We went to our couples therapy appointment and told her as much as time allowed. I am leaving, he is drinking and lying as well as unhappy about his job, and our daughter is in the middle.
I was a little upset that she took my motivation to get out of a bad situation as one of a possible hypomanic episode (I'm unipolar, not bipolar). I was and am just so happy/relieved that someone can actually call him out on his drinking and catch him in a lie - I've felt so alone trying to deal with it and have only had invested parties on either side telling me what to do.
It was suggested, by our therapist, to go to an AA meeting as well as an Al-non meeting (already planned on this one) to find out more information so I can make an informed decision. I just don't think that anything is an excuse for treating someone with such disrespect and, in any case, I'm not sure things will change if I'm still in the picture. I think he might be changing his mind about wanting me to stick around too. The therapist asked him if he was really ready to quit drinking. He said he thought so. She asked what he planned to do instead"...or didn't he want to answer that yet?". He said he didn't want to answer yet.
Yup. That's what I thought, dude. Not prepared to really quit at all. And I feel terrible that his grief causes me any sort of relief and gladness, but it was just so nice to have my feelings validated instead of feeling like I was the only one with a problem.
Since the therapist had called him on it, he has become cold and crappy with me. I slept downstairs last night and that seemed to infuriate him further. We didn't talk the entire time we were upstairs. I was unaware that he wanted to talk but then pulled it on me at the end of the night like it was my fault. I'm going to try my best not to let him pull me down.
I will go to an open AA meeting and/or find an Al-non meeting while I'm visiting with his mom (she can stay with my daughter) on Friday night. Since I was so upset when being accused of manic thinking, I think there might be something to this so I will also keep a log of my thinking just to find out how "manic" I am, or whether I'm just ambitious and happy to be moving forward, and speak to a trained specialist about the honest results I will get with no mind-altering substances involved.
Has anyone ever stuck by the side of an Alcoholic and had a successful change long term? What have you done to get over your distrust to try and make the relationship work? Our therapist said for me to try and put my distrust on "hold", but I don't know how to do that without being apathetic and that will eventually breed more contempt. I feel so wishy-washy about this. What is the term...fence sitter?
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