How to handle this (1st post)
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
How to handle this (1st post)
Thank you for reading this. I will try to make my story as short as possible to get to the point.
Me and my ah are separated. Have been sice october 2011. He has been drinking for a loooong time as well as all of our marriage (4yrs). In March 2012 he got arrested for drug posession, it threatened his job and he had to go to outpatient rehab (still going) to keep his job. He is doing so good. He Goes to aa, rehab, does the steps, does the work. ALL of it. He is the man i fell in love with. Of course we have issues still that have not been resolved...
So i found out that a girl he went to HS with is coming to visit him. Flying from FL to NC. She is coming Monday - Friday. Now he has told me a few times that he is not going to be with anyone else. He has much bigger things to worry about. And i do believe him. BUT he is also renting a room from a friend, where is this girl going to sleep? What are they going to do? I have all these high hopes for us to work things out and put our broken family back together. Just knowing that this is coming is KILLING me. I am not sure if it is even considered cheating since we are separated. But we have both promised and talked about the future together....
I am so overwhelmed by my feelings and have no earthly idea what to do.
Thank you again.
Me and my ah are separated. Have been sice october 2011. He has been drinking for a loooong time as well as all of our marriage (4yrs). In March 2012 he got arrested for drug posession, it threatened his job and he had to go to outpatient rehab (still going) to keep his job. He is doing so good. He Goes to aa, rehab, does the steps, does the work. ALL of it. He is the man i fell in love with. Of course we have issues still that have not been resolved...
So i found out that a girl he went to HS with is coming to visit him. Flying from FL to NC. She is coming Monday - Friday. Now he has told me a few times that he is not going to be with anyone else. He has much bigger things to worry about. And i do believe him. BUT he is also renting a room from a friend, where is this girl going to sleep? What are they going to do? I have all these high hopes for us to work things out and put our broken family back together. Just knowing that this is coming is KILLING me. I am not sure if it is even considered cheating since we are separated. But we have both promised and talked about the future together....
I am so overwhelmed by my feelings and have no earthly idea what to do.
Thank you again.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to SR!
I'm glad he has found treatment and that you are seeing signs of improvement.
Are you also receiving treatment for living with addiction? Alanon or therapy?
I received a list of numbers from my Alanon group. A list of names and numbers of members who are willing to take a call at any time. Do you have someone you can call from your group?
I'm glad he has found treatment and that you are seeing signs of improvement.
Are you also receiving treatment for living with addiction? Alanon or therapy?
I received a list of numbers from my Alanon group. A list of names and numbers of members who are willing to take a call at any time. Do you have someone you can call from your group?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Nope and nope. I moved here to nc with him for his work. I have no family and/or friends here. The only reason i am still here is because i want to be with him.
I know i need to go to alanon. I need to figure out childcare. And it just seems like i need to do something that makes this visit from her not happen. I know i can not make him want me but that is what i feel like i need to do....
I know i need to go to alanon. I need to figure out childcare. And it just seems like i need to do something that makes this visit from her not happen. I know i can not make him want me but that is what i feel like i need to do....
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Yes it is cheating. You're still married to the selfish a$$hole aren't you? So then yes, by definition he is cheating. Can you tell I'm a little angry? Sorry. It's how I feel right now, going through something similar. Did you ask him not to have this woman to his place? Did you tell him how it is making you feel. I think he is playing you and I am sorry.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
The two tools that come to mind are:
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (people, places, things)
The wisdom to change the things I can (me, myself and I)
and the courage to know the difference.
Repeat as needed.
Also the 3 C's:
You did not Cause this
You can not Control this
You will not Cure this
If you have a Higher Power, please give this over to your HP. You will make yourself sick with worry over a situation you are powerless over.
Your children need you to be sane, healthy and focused.
You can do this.
We are here to support you.
Serenity Prayer:
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (people, places, things)
The wisdom to change the things I can (me, myself and I)
and the courage to know the difference.
Repeat as needed.
Also the 3 C's:
You did not Cause this
You can not Control this
You will not Cure this
If you have a Higher Power, please give this over to your HP. You will make yourself sick with worry over a situation you are powerless over.
Your children need you to be sane, healthy and focused.
You can do this.
We are here to support you.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
I am not supposed to know that she is coming. He has not told me. But i know from him that they have been talking/txt.
And he has been pushing me away ever since they made the plans. All of a sudden telling me he needed a little space and stuff like that....
And he has been pushing me away ever since they made the plans. All of a sudden telling me he needed a little space and stuff like that....
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
debo, sweetheart, this man is like the one that I just finally got rid of. I know this is tearing you in two, God I know how horrible this feels. But today I have found a way to turn this around and lessen the pain. Take a good long look at what you have been living with all these years, why you separated in the first place. He has not changed. He may be on his best behavior since sobering up but he's still that same guy. I have found that when we reach back to high school and invite someone in, we're often THAT immature. I have done it myself and discovered that my thinking was distorted and I was looking for someone to fulfill my own immature needs. It has never worked out for me when I have reached into my past. There is a future out there for me and the person who is right for me now is NOT someone from a long-forgotten past! I have changed since high school, since I got sober and started working a program and working on myself. I am so grateful you posted your story so I could remember this and remind myself that my future is ahead of me, not behind me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Thank you learn2live. You are right. It is hard to see that when i see how he has changed. He has said some profound things. I thought he was not even capable of. I have read somewhere that the mental capacity is about the age when the addiction started... so that makes good sense that he would go back to HS. I just can not understand that he is willing to throw the opportunity of a marriage and a life with his son out the window over this!
The funny (all relative) thing is that i just want him to love me as much as i love him. I am also finally (!!) starting my new job tomorrow and all i want is for him to call me and wish me all the best.
Goodness am i messed up!
The funny (all relative) thing is that i just want him to love me as much as i love him. I am also finally (!!) starting my new job tomorrow and all i want is for him to call me and wish me all the best.
Goodness am i messed up!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I have been loving, kind, and giving to AXBF and his children. He knows a stable home and family are what children need. We actively tried to give them that. But AXBF has chosen to be reckless and focus instead on having fun. Not sure having fun is a good parenting style. My point? Being a good parent and having a successful future are not things that motivate these people. Getting and using their drug of choice IS. They are self-absorbed, chasing a feeling, forever unsatisfied, never settled. It is an ugly, chaotic life. I personally am sick of that affecting my life, my moods, and all of my decisions and my days. Time to cut bait. Believe it, they will choose to neglect their children and put them in harms way, to continue living their selfish, addicted, sick lives.
I know it hurts but this womam from his past is happening for a reason. Perhaps the hurt will be ao great you will finally see him for who he really is and not who you want him to be. At least that is what is happening to me.
I know it hurts but this womam from his past is happening for a reason. Perhaps the hurt will be ao great you will finally see him for who he really is and not who you want him to be. At least that is what is happening to me.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 342
New job for you, that's great.
I am wishing you all the best.
I know what it's like to wait for an RAH to be considerate of what's going on in my life. I have learned not to expect it to happen and when it does, it's a pleasant little surprise.
Sometimes I just ask for what I want and need from my RAH and it's usually not what I expect but it is what it is and works for me right now.
Maybe you should mention you know about this girl coming to visit and you being his wife and committed to your marriage would like more details and reason as to why she is visiting.
If you are planning to get back together you need to know how recovery for your ah is going regarding him dealing with your feelings.
Sure he needs space for his recovery but space for another woman. I don't think so, unless he wants to suffer the consequences of how it affects your relationship.
alcoholism/codependency S**K
JMO TWYWLTR (((HUGS)))
I am wishing you all the best.
I know what it's like to wait for an RAH to be considerate of what's going on in my life. I have learned not to expect it to happen and when it does, it's a pleasant little surprise.
Sometimes I just ask for what I want and need from my RAH and it's usually not what I expect but it is what it is and works for me right now.
Maybe you should mention you know about this girl coming to visit and you being his wife and committed to your marriage would like more details and reason as to why she is visiting.
If you are planning to get back together you need to know how recovery for your ah is going regarding him dealing with your feelings.
Sure he needs space for his recovery but space for another woman. I don't think so, unless he wants to suffer the consequences of how it affects your relationship.
alcoholism/codependency S**K
JMO TWYWLTR (((HUGS)))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
You have no idea how much your kind words mean to me! You are right, again. I left our son with him for the first time a few weeks ago. What did he do? Watch tv, drink chocolate milk, eat ice cream. AND he does not have a carseat and i forgot to leave mine there for him... He tool him to the park in the back seat with a seat belt. He is not even 3 yet! Talking about reckless.
He is just such a good talker. He can talk good about anything. He is good in discussions, and he is good at making me feel good and calm about something for a little while at least. I have kind of hinted at this visit... and he is insisting, that he has NOTHING going on with anyone and that he wants us to work things out and be together again, but right now he asks me to respect him wanting some space. He respected me when i asked for a separation...
He is good at that.
Thank you again (all of you) for being here! I will go to my first alanon meeting on tuesday and hope it is not the most reckless thing to bring a 3yo to. But its what i have to do. Hopefully i can also come back here and find even more strength to carry on and be a strong woman for my beautiful little boy who i love more then anything. And when i snap at him because of what AH did/said... God i hate myself and i know he does not understand....
He is just such a good talker. He can talk good about anything. He is good in discussions, and he is good at making me feel good and calm about something for a little while at least. I have kind of hinted at this visit... and he is insisting, that he has NOTHING going on with anyone and that he wants us to work things out and be together again, but right now he asks me to respect him wanting some space. He respected me when i asked for a separation...
He is good at that.
Thank you again (all of you) for being here! I will go to my first alanon meeting on tuesday and hope it is not the most reckless thing to bring a 3yo to. But its what i have to do. Hopefully i can also come back here and find even more strength to carry on and be a strong woman for my beautiful little boy who i love more then anything. And when i snap at him because of what AH did/said... God i hate myself and i know he does not understand....
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
I'm no parent but I believe I'm correct when I say that children need stability, routine, predictability, and to be taught and have modeled for them boundaries and limits, in order to grow up to be healthy, functioning, successful adults. I know this because I really did not have any of those things growing up in an alcoholic home. I've had to learn these things myself, as an adult, from other adults I have known. I learned much of it in my late 30s from living temporarily with one of my (non-alcoholic, non-addicted) XBF's parents. Pretty sad that a human being could be so neglected as a child that they don't even know how to function as a successful employee until their mid 30s. How blessed am I to have been given the opportunity to learn!
Ice cream and chocolate milk and a parent who refuses to ensure the child's safety does not sound like good parenting. I am so grateful for your shares because it is helping me to remember XABF, from whom I have recently separated, and the way he was "raising" his children. Basically, he was not. I tried to model for and teach those children these things I know they are not receiving from their custodial parent, but AXBF would not cooperate because it was not fun for the children. WTH??? How very selfish.
Alcoholics and addicts make horrible parents.
Ice cream and chocolate milk and a parent who refuses to ensure the child's safety does not sound like good parenting. I am so grateful for your shares because it is helping me to remember XABF, from whom I have recently separated, and the way he was "raising" his children. Basically, he was not. I tried to model for and teach those children these things I know they are not receiving from their custodial parent, but AXBF would not cooperate because it was not fun for the children. WTH??? How very selfish.
Alcoholics and addicts make horrible parents.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
My first day at work went well. I only thought about all of this for a short time. But now i am at home obsessing a bit. I am going to be the good mom that i know i am and spend time with him, without thinking about rh.
he has once again, last night promised me that nothing is going to happen with this girl. I just know him well enough. I know the place where he lives, where the heck is she going to sleep other then his bed!? There i go again....
I do think i need to confront him about this so i dont worry myself to death over it!
he has once again, last night promised me that nothing is going to happen with this girl. I just know him well enough. I know the place where he lives, where the heck is she going to sleep other then his bed!? There i go again....
I do think i need to confront him about this so i dont worry myself to death over it!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Texas
Posts: 266
a friend of mind posted this on fb last night, and it resonated with me. you might like it, too. 
"sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best."
i wrote it into my journal this afternoon, right after the serenity prayer and the lord's prayer.
"sometimes the best thing you can do is not think, not wonder, not imagine, not obsess. just breathe, and have faith that everything will work out for the best."
i wrote it into my journal this afternoon, right after the serenity prayer and the lord's prayer.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Well darnnit, sometimes we have to just call a spade a spade.
I would flat out say that I know this woman is coming to visit, that he hasn't told you about this visit, that she is going to stay at his place.
Then look him in the eye and ask if he has any romantic feelings for her. If he's going to lie, then that's what he will do. But there's no reason for you to pull the wool over your own eyes and pretend you can't see what is right in front of you...for the sake of his "space" ha!
One thing as codies we have to unlearn, at least for me...stop putting my head in the sand.
You know this smells funny...I'd tell him something stinks....you-- don't do as I would do-- but as you would do, still I can't help myself contributing what I would do...lol
I would flat out say that I know this woman is coming to visit, that he hasn't told you about this visit, that she is going to stay at his place.
Then look him in the eye and ask if he has any romantic feelings for her. If he's going to lie, then that's what he will do. But there's no reason for you to pull the wool over your own eyes and pretend you can't see what is right in front of you...for the sake of his "space" ha!
One thing as codies we have to unlearn, at least for me...stop putting my head in the sand.
You know this smells funny...I'd tell him something stinks....you-- don't do as I would do-- but as you would do, still I can't help myself contributing what I would do...lol
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