How to handle this (1st post)
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
The thing that jumped out at me from your post is that you have a piece of information that you don't want your AH to know about. Do you realize that is a deception? You aren't being completely honest with him that you know this woman is coming to visit. Maybe she is getting a hotel or not. But the main issue is not communicating with your AH honestly. Neither of you are being honest right now. That can only lead to more dishonesty down the road.
I know that fear of what he might say or do is probably keeping you from confronting him with this information. But isn't your self-respect more important than his anger? Do you trust your HP, if you have one, to steer this boat safely into the harbor? The way I see it, you can allow the chips to fall where they may by not saying anything (passive approach) or you can let him know you know what's going on and let him make his decision based on full disclosure of how you feel (taking action).
And then guess what? Everyone will be on the up and up and you have a choice too. If he chooses to see this woman even if you feel strongly that he should not, then you can accept his choice or not. We don't have to accept what is unacceptable to us.
If you are not ready for a confrontation or not ready to possibly hear that he is going to do what he wants to regardless of how you feel, that is also something to consider. For me, ignoring, pretending or hiding from the truth never worked. It keeps me in fear and anxiety.
Best,
Jen
I know that fear of what he might say or do is probably keeping you from confronting him with this information. But isn't your self-respect more important than his anger? Do you trust your HP, if you have one, to steer this boat safely into the harbor? The way I see it, you can allow the chips to fall where they may by not saying anything (passive approach) or you can let him know you know what's going on and let him make his decision based on full disclosure of how you feel (taking action).
And then guess what? Everyone will be on the up and up and you have a choice too. If he chooses to see this woman even if you feel strongly that he should not, then you can accept his choice or not. We don't have to accept what is unacceptable to us.
If you are not ready for a confrontation or not ready to possibly hear that he is going to do what he wants to regardless of how you feel, that is also something to consider. For me, ignoring, pretending or hiding from the truth never worked. It keeps me in fear and anxiety.
Best,
Jen
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
sunshine, you are also right. I have not been truthful with him. He has kept his email logged in on our mutual computer and i have been checking it. That is how my gut feeling that something was going on was confirmed. I know - totally wrong on my part.
I am going to ask him to come and have a talk with me and i will be truthful and tell him.
Tonight is my first alanon meeting! scared.
I am going to ask him to come and have a talk with me and i will be truthful and tell him.
Tonight is my first alanon meeting! scared.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Oh lord do I remember that feeling of snooping because I could not trust the other person! Oh it makes me sick to my stomach to remember. I would literally shake while snooping. It is no way to live.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Learn2live, how in the world do i stop it!? It is the worst feeling ever! And it makes me want to do something NOW whenever i find out something.
And he knows that i do it. But we have never openly talked about it. Weird. But i am planning on doing that to.... He will make me the bad guy, like snooping equals all that he has done over the years. but i am prepared and as ready for it as i will ever be. I am sick of him having such an effect on me! Sick of it! Now i just need to learn the tools. My first meeting was ok. It was a very small group and all the people were (no offense) much older then me. Dont know if those are good or bad things. But i DID IT!
And he knows that i do it. But we have never openly talked about it. Weird. But i am planning on doing that to.... He will make me the bad guy, like snooping equals all that he has done over the years. but i am prepared and as ready for it as i will ever be. I am sick of him having such an effect on me! Sick of it! Now i just need to learn the tools. My first meeting was ok. It was a very small group and all the people were (no offense) much older then me. Dont know if those are good or bad things. But i DID IT!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
You stop it when the pain becomes bad enough. You are setting yourself up to find something you don't want to find, or do you? Something that is going to hurt really bad you will HAVE TO take action on your part. I understand, I've been there too. But I have learned some amount of self-preservation. I try harder to see and accept the writing on the wall, tho still not very good at this. When you are ready, you wil know. And we, and those "old ladies" will be there for you 
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
I had a horrible snooping problem to try to get to the truth, was my belief.
What I actually found out was that I snooped because yes, he did lie constantly, but secondly because the communication lines were broken. Granted, he shut me down stonewalled me constantly...so I do get my own obsession.
What i can say now that is different is that he can choose to communicate openly and honestly or not...and it is all on his shoulders...any actions he did...I own none of it, he owns all of it.
I am only responsible for my dirt. He has to sweep his own side of the street.
It took the obsessive compulsive desire to snoop away, it killed it, yes!
I kept putting myself through pain by snooping because i would find things that were unacceptable to me, yet I wasn't ready to leave him at that point, so it was constant pain for me.
We all want to think that if we find something unacceptable we will be ready to leave. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
The cart can't come before the horse.
What I actually found out was that I snooped because yes, he did lie constantly, but secondly because the communication lines were broken. Granted, he shut me down stonewalled me constantly...so I do get my own obsession.
What i can say now that is different is that he can choose to communicate openly and honestly or not...and it is all on his shoulders...any actions he did...I own none of it, he owns all of it.
I am only responsible for my dirt. He has to sweep his own side of the street.
It took the obsessive compulsive desire to snoop away, it killed it, yes!
I kept putting myself through pain by snooping because i would find things that were unacceptable to me, yet I wasn't ready to leave him at that point, so it was constant pain for me.
We all want to think that if we find something unacceptable we will be ready to leave. Unfortunately, that is not always the case.
The cart can't come before the horse.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear Debo, you know that he is playing you---and driving you crazy in the process. He knows he can get away with it because you are so easy to manipulate. When we are addicted to them, they hold the power (and they know it).
No man who respects his marriage invites a woman from high school (semi-secretly) to come sleep in his room. This is the action of an immature guy who has figured out a way to have some "fun" on the side.
I also believe that when another person is acting in a destructive manner to me, that I have a right to that information in any way I can get it. (short of harming another).
When the trust is gone, the relationship is broken. Don't fool yourself that you can do anything to prevent him from cheating if he is of a mind to.
Do not believe what he says. Lying is second nature to addicts. Believe only his actions.
If I were in your place, I would put the truth out on the table. Nobody needs to be in a relationship based on dishonesty.
By all means, stick tight with alanon--you are going to need the support.
I am speaking to you very bluntly because I care about you. Sometimes, there is no other way to say it.
respectfully, dandylion
No man who respects his marriage invites a woman from high school (semi-secretly) to come sleep in his room. This is the action of an immature guy who has figured out a way to have some "fun" on the side.
I also believe that when another person is acting in a destructive manner to me, that I have a right to that information in any way I can get it. (short of harming another).
When the trust is gone, the relationship is broken. Don't fool yourself that you can do anything to prevent him from cheating if he is of a mind to.
Do not believe what he says. Lying is second nature to addicts. Believe only his actions.
If I were in your place, I would put the truth out on the table. Nobody needs to be in a relationship based on dishonesty.
By all means, stick tight with alanon--you are going to need the support.
I am speaking to you very bluntly because I care about you. Sometimes, there is no other way to say it.
respectfully, dandylion
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
So i have been to two al anon meetings and i have made some great discoveries already. I can do this. I am super hopeful and excited. I have not absessed since monday. I have kept busy and positive. It feels great.
Here is the question to all of you who have a bit more then my 4 days of experience. I asked him to come over on friday so i can confront him about this girl visiting and to also tell him about my snooping. He knows about it but it just has not been spoken between us. Should i do this tomorrow, should i wait, should i say something different?
Thank you again for the input and for listening. I really appreciate it.
Here is the question to all of you who have a bit more then my 4 days of experience. I asked him to come over on friday so i can confront him about this girl visiting and to also tell him about my snooping. He knows about it but it just has not been spoken between us. Should i do this tomorrow, should i wait, should i say something different?
Thank you again for the input and for listening. I really appreciate it.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by debo5 
Thank you for reading this. I will try to make my story as short as possible to get to the point.
Me and my ah are separated. Have been sice october 2011. He has been drinking for a loooong time as well as all of our marriage (4yrs). In March 2012 he got arrested for drug posession, it threatened his job and he had to go to outpatient rehab (still going) to keep his job. He is doing so good. He Goes to aa, rehab, does the steps, does the work. ALL of it. He is the man i fell in love with. Of course we have issues still that have not been resolved...
So i found out that a girl he went to HS with is coming to visit him. Flying from FL to NC. She is coming Monday - Friday. Now he has told me a few times that he is not going to be with anyone else. He has much bigger things to worry about. And i do believe him. BUT he is also renting a room from a friend, where is this girl going to sleep? What are they going to do? I have all these high hopes for us to work things out and put our broken family back together. Just knowing that this is coming is KILLING me. I am not sure if it is even considered cheating since we are separated. But we have both promised and talked about the future together....
I am so overwhelmed by my feelings and have no earthly idea what to do.
Thank you again.
Me and my ah are separated. Have been sice october 2011. He has been drinking for a loooong time as well as all of our marriage (4yrs). In March 2012 he got arrested for drug posession, it threatened his job and he had to go to outpatient rehab (still going) to keep his job. He is doing so good. He Goes to aa, rehab, does the steps, does the work. ALL of it. He is the man i fell in love with. Of course we have issues still that have not been resolved...
So i found out that a girl he went to HS with is coming to visit him. Flying from FL to NC. She is coming Monday - Friday. Now he has told me a few times that he is not going to be with anyone else. He has much bigger things to worry about. And i do believe him. BUT he is also renting a room from a friend, where is this girl going to sleep? What are they going to do? I have all these high hopes for us to work things out and put our broken family back together. Just knowing that this is coming is KILLING me. I am not sure if it is even considered cheating since we are separated. But we have both promised and talked about the future together....
I am so overwhelmed by my feelings and have no earthly idea what to do.
Thank you again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Champagne, hahaha. Good idea. We are already legally separated. He sees that as an equal to divorced. I do not. And until recently he has given me (eachother) hope, that we will figure this out. Made plans, blahblah.... But ever since he learned about her visit... He has been keeping me at a distance, on the back burner. He has not clearly said NO I DONT WANT TO. but he said he needed some space and time. Again, making me the idiot doormat. Since he said that they were just friends and he rents a room at a friends house i thought about dropping off an extra mattress for her to sleep on ;-)
Member
Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
debo5,
I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer to talking with him about this. Any type of confrontation or lay it out discussions never left me feeling any better. It never cleared matters up for me. However, I can't really imagine not addressing this either so the key is to get your head on straight before you talk to him.
You know what you know. Your husband has invited another woman to spend a week with him. She isn't across the street. This is not an off hand meeting. It was planned and paid for. Does it really matter where she sleeps? His actions are speaking loud and clear. He may spin all kinds of stories, half truths, twisting of facts. You know what you know.
This conversation won't be about understanding or getting clarity IMO. It will simply be an airing of truth. Play the tape all the way through before talking to him. How do you see the conversation ending? What are you hoping will be accomplished by it? If he cancels the visit will you be left feeling any different? Will it have changed anything really if he cancels because he was caught and confronted? If he proceeds and says it is all innocent how will you deal with that?
Will you believe anything that he says? If you will doubt it all, no matter which way it goes, is there a point in talking it out?
You say he sees himself as divorced and he is certainly acting like he is divorced. He woo's you with 'hope' until he arranges something with someone else and backs away. Is this worth fighting for?
Only you know the answer. If you process it and decide the conversation will someone help you then I say go for it. If it is just more dysfunctional dancing, I'd say wait.
I'm not sure there is a right or wrong answer to talking with him about this. Any type of confrontation or lay it out discussions never left me feeling any better. It never cleared matters up for me. However, I can't really imagine not addressing this either so the key is to get your head on straight before you talk to him.
You know what you know. Your husband has invited another woman to spend a week with him. She isn't across the street. This is not an off hand meeting. It was planned and paid for. Does it really matter where she sleeps? His actions are speaking loud and clear. He may spin all kinds of stories, half truths, twisting of facts. You know what you know.
This conversation won't be about understanding or getting clarity IMO. It will simply be an airing of truth. Play the tape all the way through before talking to him. How do you see the conversation ending? What are you hoping will be accomplished by it? If he cancels the visit will you be left feeling any different? Will it have changed anything really if he cancels because he was caught and confronted? If he proceeds and says it is all innocent how will you deal with that?
Will you believe anything that he says? If you will doubt it all, no matter which way it goes, is there a point in talking it out?
You say he sees himself as divorced and he is certainly acting like he is divorced. He woo's you with 'hope' until he arranges something with someone else and backs away. Is this worth fighting for?
Only you know the answer. If you process it and decide the conversation will someone help you then I say go for it. If it is just more dysfunctional dancing, I'd say wait.
Community Greeter
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Dear DeBo, I can see that you are very deep into your addiction to this guy. This is what the term "co-dependency", as it is used in 12step programs, looks like. Right now, it seems that you will suffer any humiliation just to hang on to him. Not unlike the alcoholic that will drink in spite of the harm to himself and others. The compulsion is that strong.
BUT, PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS------You need to protect yourself from STDs. Some STDs have lifelong and life threatening consequences. You must practice safe (safer) sex with him because you can't afford to trust that he will practice it with other women.
You should have yourself tested also. This is likely not the first woman and is not likely to be the last. No matter what he tells you. I am a medical professional, and have worked in the infectious disease department at a well known medical facility for several years (in the past). I have seen it all with the STDs. You cannot believe everything a partner will tell you. Lying is common when it comes to this subject.
Sorry to sound so blunt, but I would give this advice to anyone. It is not personal to just you.
dandylion.
BUT, PLEASE LISTEN TO THIS------You need to protect yourself from STDs. Some STDs have lifelong and life threatening consequences. You must practice safe (safer) sex with him because you can't afford to trust that he will practice it with other women.
You should have yourself tested also. This is likely not the first woman and is not likely to be the last. No matter what he tells you. I am a medical professional, and have worked in the infectious disease department at a well known medical facility for several years (in the past). I have seen it all with the STDs. You cannot believe everything a partner will tell you. Lying is common when it comes to this subject.
Sorry to sound so blunt, but I would give this advice to anyone. It is not personal to just you.
dandylion.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
These were some really really good suggestions. They really got me thinking. To be totally honest, i doubt that he will show tomorrow. We have not talked since monday when he ended the call with "i will call you tomorrow". I was just thinking, that if i can be strong and honest with myself, that could be the last broken promise he has made to me and our son. I have custody, so i do not have an obligation to let him see him. But i will not make any quick decisions.
As of right now i think that i am going to see what happens tomorrow. If he comes i am going to tell him that i had nothing to say anymore. If he does not come, well that speaks pretty clearly too. Then comes saturday, where he has scheduled time with our boy. If he shows good, if not.... might as well be that way.
Like many of you before me... I see all this, and i know all this. It just confuses the heck out of me why i just don't GET it?! Like many of you have said, how much more does he have to humiliate/hurt me before i make changes? I spoke with my sister at the beginning of the week and she really told me. She was saying how i am not the sister she used to have, how i am not the mom i want to be and so on. It was really nice for her to be that honest with me. I can not tell her enough how much she has helped me.
Same goes for all of you who are "holding my hand" with all of this. It is amazing what the understanding, sharing and fellowship can do!
If you are not tired of me yet, i would love to share how friday and saturday go.
DANDYLION, i totally appreciate your info on std's. I am totally on the same page as you are with that. No std's for me! Isn't it scary though? And young adults or teenagers think certain acts will not put you at risk. Education education is all i can say to that. plus some life experience.
As of right now i think that i am going to see what happens tomorrow. If he comes i am going to tell him that i had nothing to say anymore. If he does not come, well that speaks pretty clearly too. Then comes saturday, where he has scheduled time with our boy. If he shows good, if not.... might as well be that way.
Like many of you before me... I see all this, and i know all this. It just confuses the heck out of me why i just don't GET it?! Like many of you have said, how much more does he have to humiliate/hurt me before i make changes? I spoke with my sister at the beginning of the week and she really told me. She was saying how i am not the sister she used to have, how i am not the mom i want to be and so on. It was really nice for her to be that honest with me. I can not tell her enough how much she has helped me.
Same goes for all of you who are "holding my hand" with all of this. It is amazing what the understanding, sharing and fellowship can do!
If you are not tired of me yet, i would love to share how friday and saturday go.
DANDYLION, i totally appreciate your info on std's. I am totally on the same page as you are with that. No std's for me! Isn't it scary though? And young adults or teenagers think certain acts will not put you at risk. Education education is all i can say to that. plus some life experience.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
A few days have passed and he was at my house on saturday to visit our son. We ended up talking a bit and i told him that i snooped and also how i felt about it. Told him that i just wanted to say these things and did not want/need a response from him.
He explained (aka probably lied) about how she was here on business and how her boss has a house here that she is staying at.... blahblah. SWORE that nothing will be going on. that he was serious about his recovery, done hurting people, wanted only me, loves me. and that i should not worry about this week that she is here.
Tonight is her fist night in town. It is going to take all that i got to not go "nuts". I would absolutley hate myself if i would do a "drive by" with my 3yo after his bedtime, or anything like that. But its going to be hard. On wednesday i can go to al anon again and i can not wait to go! I wish i could go more often, but i do not have anyone to look after my son.
Thank all of you for listening.
I can not wait for all that i have been reading to take effect. I want to not care anymore, i want ME to come first. I just have not found the way yet, but i am listening and trying as hard as i can.
He explained (aka probably lied) about how she was here on business and how her boss has a house here that she is staying at.... blahblah. SWORE that nothing will be going on. that he was serious about his recovery, done hurting people, wanted only me, loves me. and that i should not worry about this week that she is here.
Tonight is her fist night in town. It is going to take all that i got to not go "nuts". I would absolutley hate myself if i would do a "drive by" with my 3yo after his bedtime, or anything like that. But its going to be hard. On wednesday i can go to al anon again and i can not wait to go! I wish i could go more often, but i do not have anyone to look after my son.
Thank all of you for listening.
I can not wait for all that i have been reading to take effect. I want to not care anymore, i want ME to come first. I just have not found the way yet, but i am listening and trying as hard as i can.
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Lord, do I remember doing drive-bys. Ew it makes my stomach hurt just thinking about that time in my life. I hope you don't. I do not like this guy at all. I hope you get away from him.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
i have never done drive by... but i can tell you, i am going so crazy that that is what i want to do. I just want the truth. I have really been looking at the serenity prayer and have decided to do it one step at a time. God grand me the serenity. That is the part i am going to concentrate on until i get that down pat! Serenity, it's my new favorite word!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Hi debo5,
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time tonight. I have found that serenity only comes back to me when I put my focus back on me. If you are into making lists, you can list out everything in your life that you are grateful for, or what makes you strong (a great suggestion from Learn2Live earlier this week), or how about some life goals? Or, if lists are not your thing, do something just for you tonight. Make some popcorn and watch a movie? What else? Well, tonight I have plans to make myself a worm bin. I get to work with power tools and everything! LOL. I'm expecting my worms to arrive in the mail any day now!
Ok, well, worms aren't for everybody either, but I'm just sayin' you don't have to make him the center of your life. The truth about this HS friend of his may or may not be revealed. But you don't need his words to define your truth. You know how you feel and what you want from a relationship. You don't trust him, and he frankly doesn't deserve it right now. Let him earn that back. In the meantime, focus on you and getting your serenity back.
Easier said than done, truly.
Take care,
Fathom
I'm sorry you are having such a hard time tonight. I have found that serenity only comes back to me when I put my focus back on me. If you are into making lists, you can list out everything in your life that you are grateful for, or what makes you strong (a great suggestion from Learn2Live earlier this week), or how about some life goals? Or, if lists are not your thing, do something just for you tonight. Make some popcorn and watch a movie? What else? Well, tonight I have plans to make myself a worm bin. I get to work with power tools and everything! LOL. I'm expecting my worms to arrive in the mail any day now!
Ok, well, worms aren't for everybody either, but I'm just sayin' you don't have to make him the center of your life. The truth about this HS friend of his may or may not be revealed. But you don't need his words to define your truth. You know how you feel and what you want from a relationship. You don't trust him, and he frankly doesn't deserve it right now. Let him earn that back. In the meantime, focus on you and getting your serenity back.
Easier said than done, truly.
Take care,
Fathom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 76
Funny, i just had a conversation today about cultures for fruitflies. They are for the frogs at my sons pre school.
I have worn myself out with all of this, so i am going to try and sleep shortly. I hate myself for doing this to myself. It is my sons bday in less then 2 weeks and i have not been able to give it any thought yet.
Like i mentioned earlier, i have only been to two al anon meetings, but i think i have already learned so much.
Thank you for your encouraging words. I am a list person. There are people who are not? I am too tired tonight, but i started some titles just now. I WILL make lists to have it black on white. so my head and heart do not play tricks on me.
Good night and i hope i can share more about all of this. It is going to be a tough week!
I have worn myself out with all of this, so i am going to try and sleep shortly. I hate myself for doing this to myself. It is my sons bday in less then 2 weeks and i have not been able to give it any thought yet.
Like i mentioned earlier, i have only been to two al anon meetings, but i think i have already learned so much.
Thank you for your encouraging words. I am a list person. There are people who are not? I am too tired tonight, but i started some titles just now. I WILL make lists to have it black on white. so my head and heart do not play tricks on me.
Good night and i hope i can share more about all of this. It is going to be a tough week!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Posts: 284
Originally Posted by debo5
Funny, i just had a conversation today about cultures for fruitflies. They are for the frogs at my sons pre school.
Originally Posted by debo5
I hate myself for doing this to myself. It is my sons bday in less then 2 weeks and i have not been able to give it any thought yet.
Like i mentioned earlier, i have only been to two al anon meetings, but i think i have already learned so much.
Like i mentioned earlier, i have only been to two al anon meetings, but i think i have already learned so much.
Originally Posted by debo5
Thank you for your encouraging words. I am a list person. There are people who are not? I am too tired tonight, but i started some titles just now. I WILL make lists to have it black on white. so my head and heart do not play tricks on me.
Originally Posted by debo5
Good night and i hope i can share more about all of this. It is going to be a tough week!
Peace,
Fathom
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
