livefortodayjkw

Hi everybody...I'm new to this forum and have never done anything like this before. I'm struggling with the devastating loss of my recent relationship, and was wondering if anyone might be able to offer me some advice....

My ex and love of my life is a recovering alcoholic, and I am terrified for him. We first met about 4 years ago through a mutual friend, and were instantly attracted to each other. I didn't know him when he was drinking, but both he and his friends have all said that his abstinence was the best thing that ever happened to him. 2 DUIs, wrecking his father's car, almost losing his job because he couldn't get to work because of the breathalizer in his car, ripping up relationships with his family and friends...and then eventually AA and four years of sobriety, though the AA was a legal requirement. In the beginning of our relationship, his friends DID warn me that he hasn't been able to sustain long-term relationships (the words "serial monogamist" were used), and I do know that I should have listened then. Regardless, we got into a relationship that was passionate, but on-again-off-again for the next four years.

In the very beginning of our relationship, I asked about his most recent ex (I had heard that she was nice), and he became very upset and told me that their relationship ended because he didn't love her. I told him that this wasn't a big deal, and he responded by telling me that what upset him was that he had never loved anyone, and was afraid that he never could. I thought he was going to break up with me that night - just for asking him that question. I know, I know....red flag. This was a problem that he eventually repeated with me, by telling me a year later that he didn't love me and couldn't see me in his future. However, his behavior throughout all the times we've been together have demonstrated the exact opposite of this - he has never been anything BUT devoted and loving while we were together. He only ever had eyes for me, and was thoughtful, kind, affectionate, honest, attentive...just wonderful.

We tried to remain friends for awhile (which inevitably ended up with us in bed together). Eventually, I cut off all contact with him, because I knew I couldn't be friends with benefits with him any longer, especially because our "friends with benefits" had all the trappings of a relationship, just without the name. I started dating someone else (though I was never able to stop loving him). I learned through mutual friends of ours that he was devastated over our separation, and this only made it harder. Eventually my relationship with my new man ended (all and all, a pretty decent guy, I think I sabotaged that relationship to a certain extent), and I reestablished contact with my RA. He told me that he had made the biggest mistake of his life letting me go, and that it took a year of misery to make him see this. He told me almost immediately that he loved me, and had loved me all along, and that he knew that he wanted me "by his side for all the days to come." We talked about marriage, and he reengaged with my family to regain their acceptance, which they provided. That last year was amazing - the most amazing, loving year of my life. I have a budding successful career as a scientist, but I wanted nothing more in my life than to marry this man and start a family. We seemed to be in agreement on this.

About six months before everything fell apart, I saw him slipping liquor into his coke while we were vacationing with his friends. When I talked to him about it later, he told me that he was feeing nostalgic, and just wanted to be a part of the group in that way again (his friends are all very heavy drinkers - I am not). I told him that I didn't think slipping the alcohol into his drink made him any closer to the celebrations than he was without the alcohol, instead he was just being deceptive with his friends. He agreed, but a week later, after we returned from vacation (during which we had probably our biggest fight in our relationship, but it wasn't because of the spiked drink), he told me that he believed that he had learned enough in his time away from alcohol to be able to reintegrate it in a healthy way into his life. I told him that it had to be his decision, but that I didn't think it was a good idea for him to drink again. He told me that he wouldn't drink if I didn't want him to. I told him that the decision HAD to be for him, not for me, and that he was putting me in an impossible situation, because obviously his reason for remaining abstinent had to come from within him, but of course I didn't want him to fall off the wagon! For a couple weeks, I gently suggested that he attend an AA meeting or two to figure out his motivations and reasonings for these feelings, but he was non-responsive, so I dropped it. Maybe he came to see me as an impediment to his drinking (I am a very light drinker myself, especially in comparison to his friends, many of which are functioning alcoholics).

Six more wonderful months went by. We had gotten a dog together, and were preparing to move in together. He had purchased a ring and had asked my parents for permission to marry me. He hadn't yet proposed, but my whole family was buzzing with excitement, and I knew it was in the works. Two weeks after that (and some considerable stress at home involving our new dog and a crazy neighbor), he dumped me. I tried everything I could think of to reason with him, and eventually we wrote letters to each other. He told me in his letter that the whole time we were together, he was trying to "justify the good times" he was having with me with wondering why he was "so uncomfortable," that the "easily definable pros" of our relationship were outweighed by "poorly defined, nebulous cons," that my anxieties were too complicated, and that he had looked for something "right under his nose" to make him happy, and that he felt that he had been "wrong to do that."

I feel like I have been completely duped, as this was not the song he had been singing for the past year. I recently saw through pictures posted by a mutual friend that he was drinking at a party. Strongbow, and then later shots. Strongbow, when he had said for years that he detested cider. And he was drinking with some of his long-time friends. They DID know him through the alcoholism, so why would they stand by and drink WITH him? I keep trying to tell myself that maybe the can just LOOKED like Strongbow and was actually something else, that maybe his decision to drink at that party was just a one-time thing, and that he isn't drinking again. I did notice in these pictures that he tended to be in the back of the photographs, and that he didn't appear to be talking to anyone, just sitting with the drink. The rational part of my brain knows that this is not what someone does if they are wanting to drink to be more a part of socializing. But I still can't quite process this development of events.

His mother told me after he left me that I needed to start going to Al-Anon meetings to help me understand his head, but even after two months, I haven't been brave enough yet, so I thought I would try these forums. I keep asking myself whether maybe he is right, and he will be able to drink in moderation after four years sober. Then I was the person who was trying to stop him from doing something that he actually COULD do. He didn't look drunk in the photos, and I haven't heard anything about his falling off the wagon (not that I would, I suppose, his friends won't talk to me anymore, but they're all still hanging out with him like everything is just peachy). It was only out of love for him that I told him I thought it was a bad idea - it's EASIER to be in a relationship with someone who can drink! He hasn't been in a recovery program in those four years, and he has some demons he hasn't addressed (he has some self-loathing issues, and even though he is brilliant, has this bizarre misconception that he is incapable of doing the things he wants to do, such as leaving a retail job that he hates to go back to school and finish his degree that his alcoholism took him from in the first place).

I'm terrified he's going to relapse, but I feel like there's absolutely nothing I can do. I can't stop believing that he did love me, but he has cut me from his life completely for reasons that don't make much sense to me. I did have an emotional over-reaction to a stressful event that was the trigger for our breakup, but I just don't see how my punishment fits my crimes. None of his friends will speak to me either, which really upsets me. One of his friends has the dog we adopted together, and have been keeping him since the breakup, but I have been terrified to contact any of them since the breakup. I tried to talk to one of them, who wouldn't respond to me, so now I feel ashamed - like they think our relationship falling apart is all my fault. And then....if my RA does relapse, there is this question of: will he/they blame me for it? I loved his friends very much - some of them have been in his life since he was about five years old. I always admired them having such long-term friendships. I've moved around a lot, and changed careers, so I've never had long-term friendships like that, though I've always sought them out. I so badly wanted to be a part of those friendships and relationships that stood the test of time the way his relationships with his friends have. And mostly, I think I think I loved his friends because of how much they seemed to love my ex. Those guys have seen him through everything. I would have too, had he let me.

Sorry for the life story. I'm struggling so much with this, and want so badly to understand the mind of someone who has had these difficulties. I only ever wanted to help him - I only ever wanted him to be happy.

Thank you for reading...I appreciate any advice. I feel as if I am never going to get over this.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

I hope you will continue to post as often as needed. Reading in the stickies is a wonderful way to read some of our histories as well as gain wisdom from members who have walked the same path.

Stickies are the permanent posts at the top of this main forum page. There is a list of about 14 posts (marked with a padlock in the left column) that have been preserved for coninued reading due to the wisdom they contain.

I think you are going to be okay.
You have ended a relationship (his choice) and you will likely experience stages of grief from the loss of this relationship.

I found reading about the stages of grief to be helpful so that I could identify them as they are occuring (sometimes occuring all in the same day). I like ot keep my copy of "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie handy because I like her chapter on the stages of grief.

I will post some links to stickies that may help you through this time of adjustment.
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ddicts-do.html

Al Anon Self Test - SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

suki44883

I am sorry you are going through this. I know how badly it hurts. I have been there and understand.

Please realize though, that he is not recovering. He is still an active drinker and probably has been all along. I, too, am an alcoholic, and we are masters at hiding our drinking when we feel it is necessary. There is no way to know for sure, but that could be the reason many of his other relationships ended. When someone gets too much in the way of his drinking, he gets rid of the roadblock, i.e., the girlfriend.

This doesn't make sense to a non-addict because it really doesn't make any sense at all...that someone would remove people so easily from their lives just because they want to drink or use. It does happen though, and happens all the time. You won't ever completely understand it, but you can learn to accept it.

I agree with his mom that you should attend Al-anon meetings. They will help you get past this. Please keep coming here and read, read, read. Post as often as you need to. You will find reference to several book that can help you as you read through the posts of others. Ask questions and again, read, read, read. You will come to realize that your story isn't really that unique. Many of us have been there. Welcome!

Summerpeach

It could be all the pressure of getting married made him run.
Addicts are notorious for self sabotaging everything good in their lives. Also, addicts suffer serious mental and emotional issues, so seeing that he had some issues even while sober, he may be suffering some mental illness as well. Not sure

These forums are good, but cannot replace an Al Anon meeting. The meetings saved my life and sanity.
You cannot do anything to help him or get him back, all you can do is learn why you acted or reacted to way you have and change your own self.
Hard to hear because we want the answers on how to fix them and get them back, but the only answer is to work on your alone.

He will blame you over and over to avoid his own doing in this.

livefortodayjkw

Thank you so much for your kind words. I've been in therapy for the past two months myself, because I've struggled with blaming myself for the breakup. I had an emotional over-reaction in those last two weeks to barking noise complaints received from a crazy next door neighbor that resulted in me having to go to court over our recently adopted dog (incidentally, the dog was inside a stand-alone house with no shared walls, crated, not an aggressive breed, never left alone for more than five hours at a time, and NEVER left alone after 5pm. Not the dog's fault in any way, and the neighbor has since been evicted by my landlord, though it took him two months to get her out). I cried for over two hours when the animal control officer arrived at my door and issued me a ticket (who was ironically adopted from my city's Animal Control department). He later told me that this indicated my inability to handle stressful situations, that my life was "always in stress," and that "due to past events and circumstances in his life," he "could not have any stress in his relationships." Which made me feel like some sort of drama queen, because I've never had any relationship in my life where there wasn't at least some stress within the dynamics of the relationship. I had always thought that was normal, just a part of two individuals coming together and trying to compromise through the ups and downs of life, but I've since started to wonder if I even know what "normal" couple-hood dynamics are. I certainly didn't grow up with "normal." I told him I was going to therapy to address these issues, but he said he no longer believed in us enough to put enough faith into the relationship to try again, and that "love was not enough." I've felt devastated, humiliated and ashamed ever since.

I had wondered if I would be a good fit for Al-Anon, but think I may be ready to brave a meeting. To the best of my knowledge, he wasn't actively drinking while we were together (he never smelled of it), nor am I sure that he will start drinking again to the point of abuse now that we are apart (though I suspect that this is a real possibility, especially if he's stopped caring about his sobriety enough to allow himself to be photographed drinking alcohol). Based on reading these threads, I have a lot to learn about alcoholism. Perhaps a really important lesson for me to learn at the moment is that just because you're not currently drinking, doesn't mean you're not still in an alcoholic mindset.

suki44883

You have no reason to be humiliated or ashamed. You did nothing wrong. He just doesn't have the ability to handle normal stuff that happens in a relationship. This isn't about you being in any way inadequate, it is about him not being able or willing to do the work. All relationships take work and honestly, it is better that you find out now that he isn't up to the task, rather than find out later.

You'll be okay. You will get through this. Allow yourself to feel your feelings and then let them go. Take things a day at a time and be sure to do something special for yourself. You deserve it.

Learn2Live

Sounds like he has relapsed to me. His "friends" are drinking with him because they want to drink and they don't care whether or not he "should be" sober. People who party just want to party and through my own experience I found that those folks are not true friends. When my world fell apart all my "friends" were nowhere to be found. They just want drinking buddies and that is the extent of their responsibility toward one another.

I understand exactly what you are going through with being cut from his life completely, as I am going through the very same thing. I have been through this before though, livefortodayjkw, and I know very well that when someone wants to go, it is best to let them go. Do not try to hold on to this person. I also know from my past experiences getting through this sort of thing, that if he is gone, YOU WERE DONE WITH HIM ALREADY but you just weren't ready to let go. Once you can get past the hurt, if you sit down a while to think about it, I think you can come up with a list of all the things that made you unhappy and doubting that this was really right for you.

The paragraph you wrote that I copied above, tells me a lot about where you are right now and how your XBF's very sick behavior is affecting you. I've bolded some words for you so you can see them together. You feel punished, upset, terrified, ashamed, and you are taking the fault and the blame. What else is there for you to do when such a cruel thing has been done to you and you are left holding the bag, alone? I too had to work through this, and am still working through this, when I was also abandoned just a few weeks ago. When a person runs away and does not communicate anything to you, they are very unhealthy, immature, and incapable of meeting normal human relationship needs. Look more closely and objectively at the person you have been involved with these past 4 years and ask yourself if you really believe you wanted to spend the rest of your life with him. Give yourself time. And do yourself a favor, stop fooling yourself with the excuse that you do not have the courage to go to Al-Anon. You are in just as much denial as the alcoholic about your own need to change. If you want successful relationships with healthy men in the future, you need to go to Al-Anon for your SELF. (((hugs))) I am with you and I know what you are going through and how you feel. Surround yourself with supportive people.

dandylion

The pain of a break-up will pass (you probably don't believe that, just yet), but the pain and damage of living with an unrecovered alcoholic goes on and on and on.....

Alanon is perfect for you. I would like to suggest that you spend at least a year (minimum) of intensive self-work before even thinking about beginning a relationship with someone else. Otherwise, you are virtually certain to repeat this experience. Do more reading on this board---old posts and all of the stickies. You will learn so much that you need to know.

dandylion.

laurie6781

Suki is correct, you have NO reason to be humiliated or ashamed. You also
did absolutely NOTHING WRONG.

Based on what you have written above, there were some 'red flags' earlier in
the relationship that you would not have been aware of, as you yourself are
not an Alcoholic in recovery.

His friends telling you:

That certainly would have made me wonder, whether I was a recovering alco-
holic or not....... 'what was wrong with this picture.'

Again, in recovery myself or not, this would have been a BIG clue to me about
this person having 'commitment problems.'

Then knowing he was an alcoholic in recovery:

Very illogical explanation, he was already 'justifying' his drinking.

And then here:

This was the best clue yet. He had already made up his mind he wa going
back to the booze.

There is nothing you can do, or could do to keephim from drinking. You are
correct, the 3 C's come into play here:

You didn't Cause this

You can't Control this

You can't Cure this.

Please for your own, recovery, try some alanon meetings, at least 6 different
ones so you can get a 'feel' for what they are about and to see which ones you
'click' with.

Also, please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing as we do care so
very much.

Love and hugs,

LifeRecovery

I have enjoyed the comfort of support that Al-Anon has to offer for the last 2.5 years.

Only four months of that time was I actually with my loved one who struggled with alcohol.

I had known about the program throughout our relationship, my only regret I had about starting now is that I waited as long as I did.

wynter

Your story spoke to me loudly, as I am in a similar situation. Never been an A myself, but ever supportive to my RA for the past almost 3 years. I don't have any words of great words of advice but wishin I could take away your pain, as I've been there. These relationships are just damn hard. I don't know...I mean, relationships are hard, period. But something about being in one with an alcoholic, recovering or not...well, you already know...it seems like one is always hitting the wall. And blaming one's self. I do that all the time too.

They test your very soul. I'm sure you can attest to that. And for what? Truly I think they are self-centered, inconsiderate and insensitive people who seem to some how know how to find and gravitate towards others who can help them fill in their blanks...all the while draining them dry.

Keep posting here. Keep moving forward. I say don't look back. Gotta save yourself. Let him figure out his own sh*t, whatever it is. You've got your whole life in front of you, and it will be good. Without him and all the BAGGAGE.

Even so, doubt that you won't hear from him again....take care of YOU this time.

xo
wynter

livefortodayjkw

Thank you all so much. I've looked up some Al Anon meetings in my area, and think I may go to one tomorrow evening, just to listen.

Learn2Live, I'm so sorry to hear that you are going through this same thing with your loved one as well. And you are right, every now and again, I remember aspects of his personality that I had wondered, even when we were together, how we would be able to make the relationship work over the years. For example, compromise is not a part of his MO. He was very rigid and inflexible, and often critical of me for silly, petty things (like undercooking brownies). It really wore me down.

Wynter, you couldn't have put how I've been feeling any more succinctly: in these past few months, I feel that my very soul has been tested. On some level, through all this, I had this strange feeling that somehow, this man and I were "supposed" to be together, as silly as that may sound. Now I'm having to deal with identifying the source of those misguided notions, as it evidently appears that those "feelings" are quite inaccurate. If someone really loves you, they don't walk out on you like this, and for such flimsy reason. I have to keep telling myself that. So sorry to hear that you also are going through the same. =(

As time passes, I'm getting better at putting words to some of the thoughts I'm struggling with.

I will say that the idea of attending Al Anon is a bit daunting, but for me, that's because I'm not confident that I am an appropriate candidate. I have read post upon post on the SR website and the stories I read bring tears to my eyes. Families ripped apart, jobs and health lost - and here I am sharing stories about a man that I've never once even SEEN drunk. When he was with me, he walked the walk, other than those conversations and events I mentioned. I'm coming at this website with the fear that someone know/love MIGHT relapse, and I don't know to what degree it has occurred.

What I don't want to do is delude myself into thinking his past drinking problems played a role in our breakup if that's not the case. If that makes any sense. He wasn't actively drinking when we were together, and I don't know for certain that he's actively drinking now. All I saw were photos from one party. I'm afraid that I'm pointing to his past alcoholism, when the reality is he just didn't love me. That he'll love some other girl, and clean up his life and go after his dreams for her, but that the truth is, that I just wasn't what he wanted. It does seem after reading quite a few of the SR forums, that many folks see to struggle with these same fears.

Sorry about the novel!

Alucard

Wow, awesome truth there....I only had the patience for it for roughly 4 weeks. She, in an awesome facade offered me a vague glimpse of what normal married like may have been like with a sober version of her. But that lasted about 10 days or so. The real version started coming out after the 9th drink of the day, a slurring, beer breathed alcoholic mess of a woman who lives only for her alcoholic friends, and the next party/trip to the liquor store. I myself am going to need at least a year of intensive self work, with my therapist, my doctor, and the gym, lots of self care, eating right, exercise, and a hell of a lot of time on that iron horse, before I'd even bother with another relationship.

graceandbeauty0

I'm sorry to hear what happened to you. Recovering addicts are only really recovering if they are constantly working their problem. From what you are saying it seems like ur ex wasn't working his and was still on the "I don't know if I'm truly an addict binge" I've heard that before and believe me they usually are addicts when they say they aren't. My ABF recently broke up with me when he went into recovery and I feel your pain. The pain of the heart ache is terrible but don't be scared of al anon. They are helpful and try to focus on yourself that's the best you can do for yourself. If you want to talk u can email me any time.

PohsFriend

Hi Live4...

Wow.... it just kills me to se how much I have leanred here since I created an account a year ago while the 'A' in my life was teetering on the edge of withdrawal from alcohol and I did not know want to do... now so much of what you wrote makes perfect sense, crap.

First thing - it's good you are here but go to al-anon - find a meeting tomorrow and check it out. You will be glad that you did.

So to touch on a couple things...
Assuming you got a bit emotional over the doggy issue... and this is going to shock some folks - it would not be the first time that estrogen and drama were found in close proximity. If he wants a woman who is entirely no drama they have them at the morgue. Live ones tend to get emotional sometimes. No, I am not a chauvanistic pig - we boys have our own set of genetic predispositions.

Slipping drinks but just for nostalgia? LOL. OK so do a little reading on the boards hon, you are not crazy, he was quacking (you'll find that term too). I drink rarely because I am married to an alcoholic. I can have a drink tonight and not have one for months. I miss my bourbon but its a nice thing, not THE thing. Alcoholics can't have one for old time's sake. When an alcoholic takes one drink it is like flushing a toilet.... the predictable response is a steadily accelerating circling of the drain and then gurgle gurgle gurgle... their world is flushed away. Friends. Jobs. Family. The difference between an alcoholic taking a sip and playing russian roullette is that there's only a 1/6 chance of disaster in Russian Roulette.

You hit a few nails on the head...

You are terrified he's going to relapse (Uhmmmm... he has to stay dry for a while to relapse, it sure sounds like he is wet and hiding it so it isn't a relapse, it's 5:00 somewhere).

You feel like there is nothing you can do to stop it: Ain't a feeling hon :-) In Al-anon one of the first things you will hear is that you did not cause it, can't control it and can't cure it.

But here's the crux of the problem and you alluded to it. Heres what you said:
OK, one piece at a time:
Drinking in a healthy way... hmmmm... My wife tried that a couple times before we understood her disease. Drinking in a healthy way for an alcoholic is drinking water, preferably with some B vitamins added to help the liver start healing. I haven't gone to my oncologist to ask him to put my cancer back in in a healthy way for the same reason alcoholics can't do what he's saying here.

Impossible situations await if you pursue this relationship. There was a time when I was trying to help my wife drink just enough to keep out of detox as she tried to taper off. Quitting heroin will make you wish you were dying I am told but quitting alcohol can kill you. My wife had a siezure and congestive heart failure when she quit cold turkey once. Impossible is when you are trying to convince a using addict of something entirely reasonable that interferes with their thirst. Think new vampires if you are a Twilight fan.

What you really nailed is that you are an impediment to his drinking (GOOD GIRL!) and it would be hard to maintain the facade if you got married.

So before I say what I really want to get across here just some context. I too fell in love with an alcoholic and I'm not a teenager or anything... grown man, plenty of relationships, married before and she ran me over luck a lovesick puppy dog. I adore her. I am thankful that she is in my life and don't want this to come across wrong - I am very committed to her and pray that she stays sober because if she doesn't we can't be together.

Knowing what I know now I would never consider getting involved with an alcoholic unless they had been sober for at least 2-3 years. I'm in year one with my wife and it is hard. An addict in early recovery is not capable of giving you back what you want to give him.

So you aren't married. You don't have kids. You do love him. He likes to play with his drinking buddies and doesn't sound like he has much of a career plan or education.

So this is what I really want to say to you:

Run away, do not look back, do not feel guilty or duped or any of that. This has been a learning experience. His 'cons' for you are nebulous because he can't say that he can't be himself (drunk) with you. I get the impression that you are pretty young and have every choice open to you, choose someone else!

If he's the one and comes back in your life five years from now with 4 years of sobriety great, then think it over but you can't save him. The first rule of lifegaurding that I was taught wayyyyy back when I was 15 was "Don't Drown".

Any alcoholic whose been in recovery for a bit will tell you that the worst person to be in a relationship with is an alcoholic and the runnr up is newly dried out alcoholic entering recovery. ...now those who've been sober for 10 years and still do AA religiously? Some of the most solid people I've ever seen and what gives me hope when belief is not doable for me.

One other thing - as you are running away from him stop and get the dog. Dogs are better than men in 100 ways.

His mom was the nail in the coffin. If she's telling you to go to al-anon then she's been going for him or someone else and she knows what he is. Think it over - who defends a guy to the death more than mom? Mom was telling you to save yourself. More often here we'll hear about mom's who try to get the stable girlfriend/boyfriend to hang around through guilt so that you can deal with the alcoholic and let them get some rest. Send this lady flowers - she put your best interests ahead of her own or her son's and that ain't easy.

Sorry sweety. Chin up. This is a piercing, not a tattoo. The wound will close after a while and heal completely.

Nowell

Livefortoday-you could have written my story. And you did it so very eloquently. Thank you. Al Anon is a program you'd thrive in, even for just a little while. From your words, I can tell that the willingness and openmindedness is there. Our exs both lost out. Whether they will ever know it or not, who knows, but we'll be stronger woman for having had them in our lives. Its going to take some time, but one day the answers to our questions won't matter, and we'll be okay with that.

Nowell

Poh- thank you!!! I've been active in my own recovery for 6 years and my ex was sober for 10 when he broke it off with me. The details are easy to get wrapped up in, but the answer is in the fact that he stopped practicing his program about a year ago (doesn't matter why), and that is why we are not and cannot be together today.

graceandbeauty0

How have you been doing? I know for me it's still really rough some days but I just try to remember I have to be happy with myself first.

Jaylynn444

I'm going through a similar situation. I am lucky to have a friend who is 25 yrs. sober to bring insight to this. PLEASE go to al anon, it will help. You keep saying you're not sure if it's right for you, yet that's exactly what al anon is for: friends, family, loved ones of alcoholics. You are still blaming yourself. YOU ARE NOT TO BLAME. This was not a "normal" relationship, so take blame out of it. You can't wonder IF you could have done something different to change the outcome. You can't wonder IF he loved you or didn't love you. He obviously did, or he wouldn't have been w/you for so long. He is just not emotionally equipped to deal with real emotional maturity. And you are in denial for the both of you (saying you never saw him "drunk" - that doesn't matter. A functioning alcoholic is just that - appears to be functioning while drinking). Here is something I hope will help: The age an alcoholic starts drinking, is the day he stops developing emotionally. REALLY think about that! So when he gets sober, he reverts back to the age he started drinking. Here is a good post on the subject:
"Hi there i asked the same question and my Al Anon sponsor told me that when they quit, they revert back to the age they started drinking. My ex started drinking at 17 and he just stopped at 33.....and believe me when i tell you i'm dealing with a 17 year old....hope this helps."

My ex started drinking at age 20, and he's 45 now. So I was basically dating a 20 year old. I too am heartbroken - he told me after 7 months that he thinks he should feel more at this point. HUH?! That's something you say after 2 or 3 dates, not 7 months. We had so much fun together, had great communication, had a lot in common, great sex, laughed a lot, and only had one argument in 7 months, with maybe 2 other small disagreements. Everyone commented HOW great we were together. Then, out of left field, he just breaks up w/me. It didn't make sense, and it still doesn't. But he was just past the year mark in his recovery, and he wasn't ready. He still has a lot of work to do on himself, and I know it has nothing to do with me. Btw, he didn't tell me he was in recovery until 4 1/2 months into our relationship, so I never had the choice on whether to date an alcoholic or not. He manipulated me. I only know that because of the support from my friend. Of course it feels like it's ALL about me! i.e.: IF he loved me enough. None of that matters when dealing w/someone who isn't ready. You can't force maturity or sobriety on someone - it doesn't matter HOW much they love you.

Please, please go to al anon! If you live in San Diego, I will be happy to go with you! It's best to have support w/people who understand. Please stop blaming yourself, or telling yourself that you weren't good enough, or he didn't love you - he has an illness, and it has nothing to do with you, or you being good enough. You ARE good enough, but he is just not in a place to have someone in his life right now. Trust me, he knows that, and feels guilt for hurting you. But the difference between him and us is, he doesn't know how to express it Good luck, and please come back for support! Just know that people care about you

CentralOhioDad

Just FYI - this post is back from 2012.

We hope the OP is doing well.