bamboo10

My ABF and I have been together for about 8 months. At around 4 months in I found out he was an alcoholic. He isn't mean, or angry, or anything like most of the stories I have heard, in fact drinking usually consists of around 3 beers. However, he cant drink at all because of health problems that will land him in the hospital with alchohol. Anyway, he has been sober for about 3 months now and is continually working at it. My question is how do I be supportive? I am doing my best, but I seem to keep messing up. The other night he went to dinner with a friend of his (a big drinker, but also his main employee that knows if the ABF ends up in the hospital he ends up taking over everything at work.) When he got home, he was acting funny, in a way that I hadnt seen him act in several months. I ended up asking if he had been drinking, which turned into a huge deal of me not trusting him and when he finally goes out I automatically assume he was drinking. That wasn't the case though, the question came solely from the way he was acting. I should mention that I cant tell when he has been drinking, I had no clue he was drinking for the first 4 months. Then this morning, I found stuff on the computer about liquor stores so I asked him about it and it was the same thing all over. How do I ask him questions about these things in a way that won't make him think I am assuming he has been/is drinking? How do I word it in a way of "im just wondering why you were acting that way" or "im just wondering why that site it up" kind of way? I seem to always come off as assuming the worst, and that isnt the case. I am trying my best to be supportive but I'm not really sure how to be?

shawty80

welcome to sr, kate!

in my experience, it was always better to not even ask. it is natural to be curious, and i sometimes wondered what made a particular day worse than others (as far as the amount consumed), but asking only led to accusations and an argument. my xabf is full of guilt and resentment toward me, and even the word "rum" could set him off.

i'm sorry you're dealing with this. take some time to read some of the other posts and do something nice for yourself today!

hugs,

misty <3

Chrisy

Welcome. You are in the right place.

Chrisy

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

I think the best support for a recovering addict, is another recovering addict or professional counselor. That doesn't mean you can't be supportive of your relationship.

I think your gut is telling you he is drinking and attempting to hid his relapse. I have learned to trust my gut.

Addicts will do and say anything to protect their addiction. I mean ANYTHING. If he is active or without solid recovery, he may continue to be defensive and blame shift you for his irritability. That is his addiction speaking. You are not required to walk around on eggshells while he learns how to control his reactions.

Please do some reading on this site or through alanon literature about the dynamics of a relationship with an addict. There are some wonderful links at the top of this main forum page that contain wisdom from other members. Here is one of my favorite:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

here is a link that describes the dynamics of a relationship with alcoholism as the focus:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...cters-1-a.html

CeciliaV

yeah, I'm learning to not even ask. Arguments, accusations, and lies always ensue.

bamboo10

Thanks everyone! I guess I should just stop asking. Honestly, I dont know if I can trust my gut, because I can't tell if he has been drinking when I know he has so im not sure if my gut would be correct. Oh well.

RevivingOphelia

From your post, my gut tells me he is drinking way more than just three beers at a time.

Watch carefully--if he's not being honest, that's a dealbreaker for me, and I'd walk away.

CeciliaV

Go with your gut...it's usually right. Sometimes, I don't trust my own instincts, and in hindsight, my gut has always been right. The only exceptions have been very recently - my AH is working through some heavy anxiety & issues in therapy, and while he is technically sober, he's so distracted and disjointed that he's been just plain old off. I'm trying to stop wondering about his sobriety and stop asking myself (and him!) whether he's been drinking.

bamboo10

I know it seems he is drinking more-but honestly I don't think he is. And right now he has been sober for a few months. Once he finally came to terms with the fact that he had a problem and decided to take steps to get better he stopped hiding. He just started putting it all in the recycling bin that both his mother and I use so we knew how much he was consuming. I debated posting anything in here because I don't want people to tell me to leave him. I know people have been through this and maybe I am making a mistake but I need to make that on my own. He knows that when he gives up is when I give up. I told him from the second I found everything out that when he stopped caring about his health and working toward sobriety is when I leave. I know alot of people think I'm just a pushover and will let him talk his way out of things-but those people don't know me very well. That's one of te hardest things about being in this situation-everyone else's opinions. I finally gave up going to Alanon because one woman in particular just kept telling me to leave and then pushed her views on me and asked me about my family history and told
Me my brother was probably going to End up an alcoholic-just because I said he drinks like a normal college student. Sorry for the rant. I know I am entering into a very difficult thing-my grandfather was an alcoholic and became sober th week I was born. He had a
Brief relapse after 22 years and got rigt back on track. When I found all this out-I asked my grandma a single question-"was it worth it?" I know everyone has a different situation-but for her it was worth it.

shawty80

sweets, no one means you any harm or ill-will. we have all, to a certain extent, been in your shoes. you are the only one who can decide whether staying with your guy is worth it, or not.

to be honest, i still hold onto hope that my xabf will decide to get into recovery and give our relationship a fighting *sober* chance. will it ever happen? hell if i know! can i change his decisions or his actions? nope! can i work to make MY life the best that it can be independent of him (or any other relationship...)? absolutely!!!

people often say to "take what you need and leave the rest," and i think that is a great slogan for us ALL to remember. let us be your sounding board, but remember our only goal is to offer you our experiences. you may not always like what you read but, in time, you may find that what you read changes your life.

BIG hugs to you! i hope you have a great day!

misty <3

bamboo10

Thanks misty-I know nobody does-I was just nervous about posting due to what I have faced in the past. Sometimes I just need to vent about dealing with this without the person telling me to run now.

shawty80

you're welcome. vent away!!!