Alucard

When we started contacting each other in May, there was much talk of "never stopped loving you" ect, ect. (We had a 13 month affair 13 years ago that included a miscarriage and a broken engagement, due to drug use on her part...the break up was very, very abrupt, there were still feelings, but she immediatley ran to another man and started a 12 year affair with him that was disasterous for her, she had his child, but he was physically abusive for 12 years.)....then she sent me some glamour shots and she still looked amazingly the same. She mentioned that she was "clean" (and she was of the hardcore coke usage) and that she was more mature now at 41, her party days behind her, ect. She wanted a life with me now, and I with her, we were concerned about the child, but he actually wanted her with me. It had seemed off hand, PERFECT. I played my part as the codependent rescuer, was saving her from her ex, and bringing her permanently into my life. And for about the first 2 weeks, (Honeymoon period) it was the best dream I ever had.

I had a vision in my mind of us. She would get a job, I would go to school/ and work, we would struggle a bit at first, but it would be a normal married life, of work, school, dealing with the children, and occasional "date nights" and family vacations. Normal couplehood. I recently (last year) bought a Harley (knowing all along that she loved them) and pictured us riding all over town together, and then, "down the road" purchasing a 2nd bike and allowing her to have mine, and she seemed happy with this. I pictured us down the road purchasing a home and plopping it down on a piece of land, and having barbeques, and living the dream.

That was strictly a fantasy that existed only in my mind. Sure, it sounded damned good, but so does winning the lottery, another fantasy.

But the reality of the situation was and is SAD and PATHETIC. Had she been sober, or at least a "casual drinker" who was not addicted to the drug that is alcohol, I know deep in my heart that we would have stood a shot at this kind of life I had envisioned for us.

Here is the reality of the situation.

1. Her hardcore alcoholism. She arises at 11am every day. She wakes up with a headache and completley nauseated and full of stomach acid. She wakes up in a decent, not great mood, and at a time when folks are thinking of lunch, brunch or a late breakfast, the thought of food nauseates her. She craves alcohol. The hand tremors begin. She had a working interview at a medical office the other day, and the Doctor bought expensive gourmet sandwiches for the staff, as they had to work through lunch. Guess where hers went? A foam box. After work she drove to her favorite liquor store to buy booze. (She didnt get the job, my guess is background check)...she would often ask me to purchase her a tall can of either regular beer or a large tomato beer. And me the enabler would go off, "yes baby, whatever you need" and I thought I was being the good husband. Sans the interviews, the drinking begins a little after noon, thats a couple of tall cans and 2 minatures of Schmirnoff. Then she needs me to drive her around as she has a breathalyzer, so its chauffeur me to my Aunts, to my moms to the liquor store, lets go for a cruise (And I am driving her around with an open container, as she has ZERO regard for any laws.).....then she needs a "certain amount" of beer for the night, say, another 8 pack of which she will consume at least 6-7 or the whole 8. from say, 7pm-3am.....then she passes out until 11am the next day, and the cycle begins again, all day, every day, but hard binging on the weekends. My life as a husband was basically working until 11, coming home, and watching her drink can after can and shots on the couch, she didnt really care to even be TOUCHED as she was drinking ("babe, your hands are clammy, your hands are too hot, excuse #245 as she moves my hand away)....and stared blankly at the TV as we both tried to force some sort of conversation. This was 85% of the 4 weeks we lasted. Once in a while she would be more receptive to me, but then there was the everpresent 8 year old who hated "sharing" mommy, and did his damndest to interrupt any intimate time to the point of both of us just giving up and her going to sleep in our bed with him and shrugging her shoulders. Wow. Like all that was healthy for a newlywed couple.

2. Her legal status. She had missed her probation contact and was basically on the run, and somewhat proud of it??? "Oh, they may take years to find me" ect..."If they get me again, they may get me for habitual and it could be over a year"..she claimed she was off drugs, but kept trying to figure out a way to sell RX pills on the street for extra cash??? I was thinking "WOW" but I didnt say anything, as I didnt want to stir any waves with my new love. (Codependency)....Her mother's apt. was a damned drug den, but even though she was a recovering coke addict, she HAD to be there every day, sometimes two to three times a day. She didnt even want to turn in our marriage license to the county for final processing for fear of getting busted for her warrant!!! She kept phone contact with all her old drug connects, and once had me driving her all over bad neighborhoods looking for drugs to score for her 65 year old mother who was going through withdrawls, I had to drive as she was already drinking and fearful of a 5th DUI? INSANITY!!!!

3. Ingrate. I, after 12 years apart, offered on the SPOT to marry her and take in her and her kid (as my own) and offered her my 1/2 of my living space FREE and clear, she accecpted and I called 4 people with big trucks who used their gas money, and valuable time to spend an entire afternoon moving her from city to city. Movers in themselves are expensive. We did it all in about 7 hours. Got her an engagement ring, and my sisters in laws got her a bunch of clothes and shoes as she was basically homeless and destitute, lost her mobile home, no cash at all on hand, and was in danger of losing her car. I gave her enough cash to make a partial car payment, keep her cell phone turned on and kept her interlock device paid for for the month. AND bought her beer. Only thing she had to offer was her food stamps. Then, 4 days later, we sat with my sister and her husband (Who have money) and they offered to throw us a big Wedding Reception the following month, FREE OF CHARGE at their mansion. They paid for EVERYTHING, dance floor, DJ, tablecloths, my sister made decorations, got her a dress to wear, shoes, ect, just really went above and beyond for this woman. Then, 2 weeks later she decides to call the Reception off, because she decided she hates my parents because they asked me about her drinking. We had already passed out 50 invitations and my brother in law and sister had cancelled plans and interrupted their vacation to be there to host it that weekend!!! WOW. That was a major, major red flag, and the weekend she decided to move out of my studio (Because she decided my parents checked on my 5 year old too often and she was "uncomfortable" there.....bullfecalmatter. She wanted to move in with her pally, the female pal who was also a hardcore alchoholic and who she was TRULY loyal to, not me. She was at a drunken house party crying at 1am and was giving me my ring back, 15 days after our wedding????????????!!!! I talked her out of it, but realized we were in deep deep trouble as a couple. We only lasted 4 days after that, she was adamant that she didnt want to sleep with me, literally wanting me to stay at my studio while she slept at her moms or her pals house. What the hell kind of marriage is that? I walked that Thursday after much discussion with my beloved Uncle, my al alnon group and much thinking about what kind of future I would have. I feel stupid and used and also am pissed off that I have to deal with the legal ******** now, but am glad not to be a part of this insanity any longer.

Katiekate

So glad you are here.

I am speechless, I too am glad that you are free.

You basically got @@@@@@@@ by an addict.

I'm so sorry.

love to you and yours Katie.

ShootingStar1

What a terrible story to have to to live, to have to tell. I am so sorry.

The only good thing I can see is you, and how quickly you caught on to what she was doing, what it was doing to you, and when your behavior was co-dependent and enabling. Kudos to you for being so perceptive and having the courage to act immediately on what you knew to be true.

We're all here for you as you continue to unravel what happened and what your part was in it. Take care, take it easy, good luck, post often.

BothSidesNow

Alucard

"Theres no coming to consciousness without pain" Wow, truer words have never been spoken. I am in some pain right now, more remorse and feeling bad about 12 years ago, but I left for a reason, she was an out of control coke addict then, and I left because of the stress of that bs. 12 years later, and I again left, this time after about 4 weeks instead of 13 months, because she is an out of control alcoholic. I am stressed right now, still a form of anxiousness, but not as bad as it was for the 4 weeks of BS....or actually about 2 weeks, as the first 10-12 days were actually nice, and offered a small hint of what could have been. Thats a little bit haunting, as she hid the alcoholism and "tried to play the wife bit" for just a little while. Then in July, the proverbial manure hit the fan, but hard. The drinking increased to a ridiculous degree, and she got WAYYYY too restless just sitting at home at night while I worked. I was getting home and she was drinking from 10 till 3am and that got old for me real f'n fast. Yet I kept buying her the beer and vodka. It was like I became part of her illness with my codependency on her and my enabling tactics. We did love each other, and there was affection, but it became less and less as she drank more and more, the more she drank, the less affectionate she would become to the point of refusing to sleep in the bed with me, she wouldnt want me to touch her, then would be upset because we were never intimate? To tell the truth, her drunkenness was an ABSOLUTE turn off. She'd reek of beer, and slur, and would expect me to be with her, and I just wasnt in the mood. When she was sober she turned me on like no other, but not like that. Other men maybe, not me.

Right now, I am trying to re-concentrate on myself, I know I have to get my butt back into the gym and the weightroom, but right now, its as if all my psychic energy has been drained, I dont feel like doing much except processing on these boards, and working, which I feel myself dragging. My one joy left in life is my bike, myself and my Uncle will joyride for a while and work on the bikes, and that means a lot to me, I need his support now like crazy. I've got a long road ahead, need to get her back 2 bags and a dresser, and dont want to deal with her, hopefully I can do it through her daughter, who has been very understanding through all of this. I feel betrayted and lied to by her, and I feel that she wanted to move in with the female pal all along, and only was excited at the concept of marriage as a way to change her name, as hers is bad as far as background checks, I am not sure, but what bride changes her mind after 15 days because of something the groom's parents think????? That seemed shady as hell. She is the proverbial cat with 9 lives, and usually lands on her feet, but she also is an expert at hitting rock bottom over and over and over. In a best case scenario for her, she will land a job in the medical field that pays well and stay living with the galpal, keep her car, and date another string of men, and start her bank accounts again. In a worst case scenario, she cannot land work, loses the car, and starts on harder drugs, and eventually gets arrested.

Katiekate

You have been betrayed and lied to. By an addcit, a very sick person, addiction in full swing.

Me too, went back, I left 4 years ago, no problem, met him, we had fun, we adored each other, he was a drunk, I left, no problem. He got sober, we reconnected 2 years ago, and here I am again, in the proverbial soup, it was so great for a good year, now it's a mess. Why, he started drinking again.

Please be kind and compassionate with yourself, it takes time. We are here.

I'm so glad you have your uncle, and other things to lean on.

Take good care!!!! Katie

NYCDoglvr

Disentangle yourself as quickly as possible or be pulled down with her. Thank God you didn't get married.