onefootoutdoor

I am getting ready to give my AH an ultimatum about his drinking and I want to present him some options to explore to get himself some help. I'm confused as to what it might take for him to get help. Is it possible for an alcoholic to get sober while still maintaining their job, and other responsibilities? I ask because he is our sole means of support at the moment and I want to tell him that if it takes inpatient treatment somewhere, then we will do what we have to do to get him that help.

I'm confused as to what kind of help he can get though. Can he take a leave of absence from his job? Will insurance pay for it? I think I'm not giving away to much info if I tell you he works for Walmart. Anyone else have experience with this? Not sure how we will get by if he has to leave for awhile but if it's what he needs, then I think he should do it.

What kind of inpatient/outpatient treatment is available? I've tried looking into it but we don't live in a big city, and I'm wondering if he'll have to go miles away to get help!

I'm so confused as to what his first step should be and I want to point him in the right direction because I'm sure he won't have a clue!

pinkdog

Hi! It depends on how long and hard they were drinking how bad the withdrawals will be. The alcoholic is the one who has decide if they can quit alone or if they need rehab. You can google them for your area. Be specific. I am glad you are willing to help them. It is hard to quit but very possible. I was able to quit on my own. I tapered down for 30 days first. Then had 3 hard days of withdrawals. Help is great. I had some support here, just in case. I think re-hab experts are a better idea though. Especially with a dr involved. Dr's can help tremendously. God bless you. You can find help if you google it. Even lowcost or free help. I used to work for Walmart. I think they will give a leave of absence with a doctor's recommendation.

lizatola

My question for you is: does HE want to get help? If he is looking for the help himself and is asking these questions for his own recovery, then I think he can talk to his companies benefits coordinator and find out if they have a referral program or employee assistance for addiction. I know my AH's company has an assistance program but my AH doesn't want help so I can't really do anything for him.

If you give him an ultimatum, I hope you realize that it may not go the way you think. Please prepare yourself for ALL possible outcomes, positive or negative. Keep coming back here, we're here for you!

onefootoutdoor

Well, when I met him 7 years ago, he was occasional drinker, occasional marijuana smoker. I told him if he continued with the smoking, we were wasting our time and he agreed to quit. Unfortunately, he has compensated with drinking. His drink of choice is beer, with occasional supplementation of hard liquor when he ran out of beer. Over the years he has fluctuated with the amounts but I'd say for the last year or so it has gotten to be just about every day with an OCCASIONAL day off.

I know he drinks more than a 6 pack a day, but not sure of exactly how much because he hides his drinking because he knows it upsets me. In the past, there has been occasions where he has drank so much, he throws up, one time in our bed and didn't even wake up to realize he had. Another time, I found him outside snoring, where he had layed down to look at the stars. I have googled it but very limited resources in our area it seems, or maybe it just seems that way because we haven't actually spoken to anyone yet who could refer him somewhere.

onefootoutdoor

That one I'm not entirely sure of. He knows he has a problem but has stated he loves drinking so much, he really doesn't want to quit. I think he would try for the sake of our union but does that really work if he's not wholeheartedly in it? I do realize this ultimatum may not work but this is my one last ditch effort at saving our family. I am preparing myself to leave if he's not serious about pursuing help.

lizatola

Quitting is one thing, getting help for the WHOLE kit and kaboodle of the addiction is another. My AH quit drinking before we got married 17 years ago and I was so young and naive that I thought the act of him quitting was the answer to all our problems. I had no idea that it was just another can of worms that we opened because he never addressed the underlying issues that led to the alcohol abuse in the first place. 15 years later he turned to alcohol again and I'm back in a miserable mess with him. My point is that: he very well may be able to quit the habit for a while, but getting HELP will be more productive because it will help address the complete problem.

Ellvk

Insurance may pay for some, but possibly not all, of treatment expenses. Since Walmart is a company with more than 50 employees, your H should qualify for family medical leave of up to 12 weeks. Whether or not this is paid leave is up to company policy, but he should be able to use any accrued sick and vacation time. He'll need a doctor to say he needs inpatient or intensive outpatient, most likely in order to activate FMLA.

We went through this last fall when my AH agreed to inpatient, and he was as on board as I thought he could be. He was there 60 days, and we paid with insurance and help from his family. Unfortunately, he did not embrace recovery, and relapsed 5 months later. Ugh.

Take care,
L.

WorkInProgress8

I feel that honesty is the best policy so here goes: Youre wasting your time. You might as well go tell your ultimatum to the closest wall you can find. From experience, and from reading here we all know that ultimatums, begging, pleading, crying etc DO NOT work on alcoholics/addicts.
" He knows he has a problem but has stated he loves drinking so much, he really doesn't want to quit."<-- He just told you everything you need to know. When/if the time ever comes that he wants to quit it will be HIS choice to do whatever it takes to find the resources, support groups, literature, rehabs etc to begin his recovery. This is not your responsibility to do the research for him so like i said, WASTE OF TIME. Even if he did decide to take a pause from his dfrinking for your union it wouldnt last. As sure as the sky is blue he would start to resent you for the fact the he isnt drinking, a fight would erupt, he will leave and use his resentment of you to drink again. Whether the scenario goes exactly liek that i am not sure but im willing to bet my left eyebrow that he WILL drink.

NYCDoglvr

Yes, your husband certainly can remain employed while he battles alcoholism. I went to AA and turned my live over. For anyone to do this he/she must have a very strong drive to stay sober. But this is his problem, he either will or will not stop drinking.

onlythetruth

Addicted people quit when they are ready. What triggers that "readiness" varies from person to person and it certainly can come in the form of an ultimatum from a loved one. However, you can't count on that.

What you can do is educate yourself about different ways to move a loved one towards recovery and save your own sanity in the process. For help with this I STRONGLY recommend the book: Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening, by Robert Meyers, Ph.D.

onefootoutdoor

Thank you EVERYONE for the advice!! It really helps!! I do know the odds that my ultimatum will work are very poor, but I HAVE to make this effort to save our marriage. If I try to get him some help, and it fails, then I'VE done what I can do. Unfortunately, I may have to follow through on leaving for him to either want to get himself some help, or keep doing what he's already doing, only me and the kids don't have to be witness to it everyday. I do tend to dwell on the fact that he isn't going to get the help he needs because he's ultimately going to do it to keep his family, not because he truly wants to stop.

I guess he will have to call one of our local resources and maybe they can help steer him in the direction he needs, whether it be inpatient or outpatient treatment and we will deal with the work related issues at that time. At least now I know he will need a doctor's recommendation to help get the time off.

I am going to get the book 'Get Your Loved One Sober: Alternatives to Nagging, Pleading, and Threatening, by Robert Meyers, Ph.D' as PP suggested so I can educate myself. I am already helped by reading the advice on here and others' testimonials of their experiences.

Hopefully he can see that he needs help with not only quitting alcohol but figuring out why he feels he needs it/wants it.

If he calls to seek help and then doesn't follow through, then I will know where this is headed.

I may not understand alcoholism but I'm not listening to people who tell me I need to be more tolerant of it, or "He's not a bad person. He does his job. Marriage takes work....etc. etc. I know that this isn't working for me and I feel it isn't in my children's best interest and ultimately, I need to make my decision based on that, because that is our reality at this moment.

Amber23

I was in a similar thought process last year when AH had withdrawal issue because he couldn't keep up with what his body needed. IT was a wakeup call and scared me badly.

I was upset at the options available. I knew he wouldn't take the time off for rehab and he was sole provider so i didn't want him to lose the job. I was furious there was no help for an alcoholic's family or any way to help ease the financial concern of a functioning alcoholic unable to work or pay for rehab.

a year later...he lost his job anyway due to the drinking....and his excuse of not going to rehab for work/cost reasons is a joke. He doesn't want to go....period.

And even at 9 months uninsured, It would have cost less to get rehab help etc than the cost of an uninsured ambulance and hospital visit for his latest episode......

we finally have state health insurance and his excuse of not having insurance to get help doesn't fly either....

I know how you feel because it is so scary with an alcoholic sole provider...but i remember how I felt for him that there was no help or easy way to do it....and look at him now!

He never wanted help....still doesn't and we can barely make the rent.

my point.....see if he truly wants help....

sugarbear1

Does HE want to get sober? If he doesn't want sobriety, it won't happen.

Maybe get to Al Anon and get yourself well. Things will fall into place after that....

Hugs,

outonalimb

I did the same things your doing now...researched rehab options...calculated costs....tried to figure out it we could afford it...what treatment options were best....issued ultimatums....My exah would go into treatment (he went into four different treatment programs, actually)...And each time he would go right back to drinking within weeks (sometimes days...maybe even hours) of being released. It didn't work because he only went into treatment because I forced the issue. He did it to get me off his back. He didn't do it because he was desperate to get help and quit drinking. Big difference there.

Alcoholics have to want recovery very badly becasue it takes alot of really hard work and dedication to achieve and maintain sobriety. In my experience, if they're only doing it to get their wife (or whoever) off their back and to maintain the peace, it isn't going to work.

I did this 'get help or I'm leaving' dance with my ex for years. Looking back, I I wish I had payed attention to his actions and not listened to his words. My exah was really good at saying what I wanted to hear...he'd acknowledge he had a drinking problem when he had to (when it was too obvious to ignore) ...he'd promise to get better...to quit drinking...to do whatever it took to get well because he loved me so much and wanted to save our marriage. His words sounded so good...so convincing. But he never followed through. Not really. His words never matched his actions. He was just throwing out crumbs to keep me on the trail. He played on my emotions and my heart to keep me 'hooked' into the idea that he could recover and make our world right again.

I wish I had poured all the energy I put into "helping" him get better into getting myself well. I wish I had attended al anon and focused on myself instead of focusing on him and what he was doing. I could have saved myself so much heartache and suffering.

Have you checked into alanon meetings in your area? Attending al anon might just be the greatest, most loving thing you could do for yourself. I know it was for me.

Hugs...
Mary

akrasia

Yes, that's true.

And you wrote "if this ultimatum works"... An "ultimatum" can't "work." It doesn't have a function or effect. Using the word in a technical sense, it's just someone saying what their final ("ultima") terms are in a negotiation or argument. So in that sense, he's already given you his ultimatum: he knows he has a problem (and that it upsets you) but he doesn't want to quit.

If your ultimatum is "I can't live with an alcoholic," then that's just your conclusion to the situation. It's not even something that you need to say to him outright, it's just something you decide for yourself. Maybe you're ready for that now, maybe not. It's okay not to know. But if you say over and over to him, "Quit or I'll leave, quit or I'll leave!" that's just going to wear you out. He's made his choice.

And my heart goes out to you, because I've been there too, when you're like, "Oh, okay, we had years of a happy loving relationship and now he's choosing a beverage over me." There's so much grief in that, and it takes a lot of time to mourn the loss.

painfully

When my husband revealed to me that he was an alcoholic/crack addict, I did all the things you are doing. I even called the treatment centre where he eventually went.
I know that here in Ontario, if treatment centres are AA based than they are not funded through OHIP, they are funded through private donations. He had to wait approximately 6 weeks to get in. If you can pay up front you can get in tomorrow. The place he went, you had to have detoxed prior to inpatient treatment. There are places specifically for detox also.

The best thing you can do is allow him to figure this out. He should talk to his employer, he should figure out where to go. He needs to help himself. Taking the reins and doing this for him isn't helping him, it's just bailing him out again. He needs to want it in order for it to work for him.
My husband had a spiritual awakening when he was in treatment and was able to maintain his sobriety even though it came from an ultimatum from me. I think that's fairly uncommon. I did nothing to treat MY issues however and our marriage has since ended anyway.

Al anon will help you.

EnglishGarden

Did you clean up the vomit in the bed or did he? Did you help him clean it up?

Did you wake him up outside on the ground and get him back in the house?

Are there ways you are rescuing him and preventing him from experiencing the full consequences of his addiction?

My understanding is that addicts seek recovery when they hit a series of unbelievably painful bottoms. Unfortunately, because they do not know better, family members constantly intervene to rescue the addict from experiencing the painful, devastating, humiliating outcomes of his disease, thus enabling him to think he has his drinking or drugging and his life under reasonable control. So why give it up, says the addict.

My guess is that because your husband has not lost his job, had a DUI, had a liver scare, lost his marriage or his house or his car or all his money....he's still pretty comfortable with the drinking. It's working for him. In fact, he loves it, thinks about it all the time, and cannot wait to pop open the next can. In fact, I am sorry to say, he enjoys it more than he enjoys you. That is the fact of addiction.

I suggest you educate yourself about all the ways spouses should not enable their alcoholic husbands, and with that new knowledge, step out of his way and let the crises roll in. They will. It's hard to be a drunk and not make a mess of your life.

Or, you can move him or yourself out, and that will be a giant wake-up call. But it may not be the only crisis he'll need. And some alcoholics just can't stop. They drink until they die.

My sense is that he if he gets help because you say so, it will not hold.

sweetteewalls

From experience, my AH did a program for me...he relapsed after 45 days. A year later he stayed sober for 9 months, again for me. He walked out on me again right before Mothers Day. EG is correct, he has to want it for him if its ever going to last. Work on yourself is all you can do.

wicked

Yes, this is it. Stay in the reality of this moment, and take care of your children.
You have this right on the money. Take care of yourself so you can take care of the kids.
Beth

onefootoutdoor

I want to thank every single person for your advice. It really helps me to read through them.

I did not clean up the vomit because I was so disgusted that I had come to bed and stuck my hand in it, and then stepped out of bed and stepped in it! He cleaned it up right then. I did, however, wake him up from sleeping on the ground, but more so because I didn't want to be embarrassed by him if the neighbors saw him there in the morning.

He has lost the same job twice due to drinking on the job(it was a union job and they gave him a second chance as long as he got counseling but the counseling was a joke, in my opinion), and while I'm not so sure he'd lose another job because of drinking on the job, I think it's possible his drinking could get so bad he would eventually start oversleeping and not making it to work or quite possibly stay up drinking so late and still think he could make it to work, that he could still be under the influence when he woke up and went in to work!

A few years back he suffered from food poisoning that caused an inflammation around his heart. This year he suffered the same thing, and the Dr. told him that he has a heart condition now that is aggravated by excessive drinking and in the future it could cause irreversible damage to his heart so he really should curb the drinking. Well, he was drinking heavily within the week so either he doesn't take it seriously or he just can't stop!

I did give him an ultimatum today. Either the alcohol or our relationship and our family. I realize this may not work but I have to try. Not only for him but for myself. I have to know I did everything I could to help him but I do know that this is it. I told him I am prepared to get a job to pay the bills if he needs to go stay somewhere to get help, but I'm also prepared to get a job to leave, if need be. If I don't see a true, sincere effort on his part to get himself some help, then we will have to part ways. I told him that doesn't mean I'd give up supporting his efforts to get sober in the future, but I can't stay with him now if alcohol is more important to him. I just can't.

I realize he may try very hard right now to get help and it may not last. If that's the case, I'm still prepared to leave. I guess that's why I want to make this last ditch, major effort at trying to get him help. I just want him to know that I'm not just saying "See ya'!" and walking away, never looking back. I'm trying to make him understand that I don't think he's a bad person, I just can't live alongside him that way.

Tomorrow he is going to tell me if he wants to make the effort, and then he is going to have to make those calls to get started.

Thanks again to everyone! I have been seeking out a site like this and your advice helps me tremendously! Even if you don't have advice, it helps to know others have been in my shoes and you understand! I know I should seek out AlAnon and maybe I will, I just don't know right now.....I probably shouldn't be embarrassed, but I am....I know it is going to take courage on his part to reach out, so I should as well.