To anyone who stayed while the alcoholic got help....
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: new moon road
Posts: 1,545
I think you have reached your bottom even if he has not reached his yet. I think I would do the same as you plan to do: offer to support professional treatment for addictive disease once again, and if he refuses, then I agree, it is time to face reality and physically separate as you plan to do. It is not unusual for spouses and alcoholics to separate temporarily, and one cannot predict if they reunite but certainly some of them do. I have seen it. No one can predict the outcome for your family. But all the addiction experts would say that once you refuse to any longer ride that constant merry-go-round of addiction with him, you are contributing to an increased potential that he will seek serious help.
If you are not open to 12-step meetings for yourself at this time, then I have to tell you that I can't imagine that you will get healthy without some help of some kind. So I urge you to seek counseling for codependency as a responsibility not only to yourself but also to your children (and even, perhaps, eventually, one would hope, for your future with a recovering alcoholic spouse). You may not realize the seriousness of how you have been affected by his alcoholism, but it goes very deep, and you will remain unaware and unhealed unless you either attend, weekly, and for at least 2-3 years, Al-Anon, (many recommend a lifetime), or you spend at least a year with a professional counselor skilled in working with families of addiction.
If he should go into recovery, and you refuse to do so yourself, the chances of your marriage surviving decrease.
You will always have this alcoholic in your life, even if you eventually divorce him. Your children will always have an alcoholic father. It is a family disease. You need ongoing recovery of some kind in order to address that, for it will always be a very significant factor in your family's life. You can be a strong recovering family, whether he gets sober or not. Recovery for us means to look at ourselves, our thinking and behaviors, which have become unhealthy as a result of living in the presence of alcoholism.
Your children will be distressed by the changes which are inevitable (even though those changes hold real possibility for hope, whereas continuing the status quo does not). The sooner you see a counselor, the better, for that person can guide you in the best ways to help them through. Communication and a consistent daily routine are vital. A counselor can show you the way.
Good luck with the changes ahead.
If you are not open to 12-step meetings for yourself at this time, then I have to tell you that I can't imagine that you will get healthy without some help of some kind. So I urge you to seek counseling for codependency as a responsibility not only to yourself but also to your children (and even, perhaps, eventually, one would hope, for your future with a recovering alcoholic spouse). You may not realize the seriousness of how you have been affected by his alcoholism, but it goes very deep, and you will remain unaware and unhealed unless you either attend, weekly, and for at least 2-3 years, Al-Anon, (many recommend a lifetime), or you spend at least a year with a professional counselor skilled in working with families of addiction.
If he should go into recovery, and you refuse to do so yourself, the chances of your marriage surviving decrease.
You will always have this alcoholic in your life, even if you eventually divorce him. Your children will always have an alcoholic father. It is a family disease. You need ongoing recovery of some kind in order to address that, for it will always be a very significant factor in your family's life. You can be a strong recovering family, whether he gets sober or not. Recovery for us means to look at ourselves, our thinking and behaviors, which have become unhealthy as a result of living in the presence of alcoholism.
Your children will be distressed by the changes which are inevitable (even though those changes hold real possibility for hope, whereas continuing the status quo does not). The sooner you see a counselor, the better, for that person can guide you in the best ways to help them through. Communication and a consistent daily routine are vital. A counselor can show you the way.
Good luck with the changes ahead.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Originally Posted by EnglishGarden 
I think you have reached your bottom even if he has not reached his yet. I think I would do the same as you plan to do: offer to support professional treatment for addictive disease once again, and if he refuses, then I agree, it is time to face reality and physically separate as you plan to do. It is not unusual for spouses and alcoholics to separate temporarily, and one cannot predict if they reunite but certainly some of them do. I have seen it. No one can predict the outcome for your family. But all the addiction experts would say that once you refuse to any longer ride that constant merry-go-round of addiction with him, you are contributing to an increased potential that he will seek serious help.
If you are not open to 12-step meetings for yourself at this time, then I have to tell you that I can't imagine that you will get healthy without some help of some kind. So I urge you to seek counseling for codependency as a responsibility not only to yourself but also to your children (and even, perhaps, eventually, one would hope, for your future with a recovering alcoholic spouse). You may not realize the seriousness of how you have been affected by his alcoholism, but it goes very deep, and you will remain unaware and unhealed unless you either attend, weekly, and for at least 2-3 years, Al-Anon, (many recommend a lifetime), or you spend at least a year with a professional counselor skilled in working with families of addiction.
If he should go into recovery, and you refuse to do so yourself, the chances of your marriage surviving decrease.
You will always have this alcoholic in your life, even if you eventually divorce him. Your children will always have an alcoholic father. It is a family disease. You need ongoing recovery of some kind in order to address that, for it will always be a very significant factor in your family's life. You can be a strong recovering family, whether he gets sober or not. Recovery for us means to look at ourselves, our thinking and behaviors, which have become unhealthy as a result of living in the presence of alcoholism.
Your children will be distressed by the changes which are inevitable (even though those changes hold real possibility for hope, whereas continuing the status quo does not). The sooner you see a counselor, the better, for that person can guide you in the best ways to help them through. Communication and a consistent daily routine are vital. A counselor can show you the way.
Good luck with the changes ahead.
If you are not open to 12-step meetings for yourself at this time, then I have to tell you that I can't imagine that you will get healthy without some help of some kind. So I urge you to seek counseling for codependency as a responsibility not only to yourself but also to your children (and even, perhaps, eventually, one would hope, for your future with a recovering alcoholic spouse). You may not realize the seriousness of how you have been affected by his alcoholism, but it goes very deep, and you will remain unaware and unhealed unless you either attend, weekly, and for at least 2-3 years, Al-Anon, (many recommend a lifetime), or you spend at least a year with a professional counselor skilled in working with families of addiction.
If he should go into recovery, and you refuse to do so yourself, the chances of your marriage surviving decrease.
You will always have this alcoholic in your life, even if you eventually divorce him. Your children will always have an alcoholic father. It is a family disease. You need ongoing recovery of some kind in order to address that, for it will always be a very significant factor in your family's life. You can be a strong recovering family, whether he gets sober or not. Recovery for us means to look at ourselves, our thinking and behaviors, which have become unhealthy as a result of living in the presence of alcoholism.
Your children will be distressed by the changes which are inevitable (even though those changes hold real possibility for hope, whereas continuing the status quo does not). The sooner you see a counselor, the better, for that person can guide you in the best ways to help them through. Communication and a consistent daily routine are vital. A counselor can show you the way.
Good luck with the changes ahead.
I did tell him that if he was making an effort, I would make an effort at trying to become husband and wife again, instead of just roommates. So.....here goes! The next week will speak volumes.
It is what it is
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: NJ
Posts: 280
I want to give you a bit of ES&H from my experience with the almighty ultimatim. In my case, it did work. It was us or his addictions, his choice. He chose to seek treatment because he knew I meant it, that I would take the kids and leave.
I don't think he went wanting to get sober. However, once he was commited to doing the outpatient program, I don't think he wanted to fail. And once he saw something he wanted that others had, I guess he wanted it too. He is an active member of AA.
He is still sober to this day with no relapses that I am aware of. I am very proud that he is becoming the father that our daughter deserves.
The other side to that coin is however, is I am no longer with him. This does not mean that will happen to you or anyone else. I was in Al-Anon 1 1/2 years before he went to rehab. I remained and still am active in my program 5 years later. I think I coudn't take the isms that were still there. It takes a really long time to recover mentally after abusing drugs and alcohol. All that doesn't go away because he put down the bottle and drugs. I needed to go my own path. To stay or go is a personal decision everyone must make for themselves.
Best,
Jen
I don't think he went wanting to get sober. However, once he was commited to doing the outpatient program, I don't think he wanted to fail. And once he saw something he wanted that others had, I guess he wanted it too. He is an active member of AA.
He is still sober to this day with no relapses that I am aware of. I am very proud that he is becoming the father that our daughter deserves.
The other side to that coin is however, is I am no longer with him. This does not mean that will happen to you or anyone else. I was in Al-Anon 1 1/2 years before he went to rehab. I remained and still am active in my program 5 years later. I think I coudn't take the isms that were still there. It takes a really long time to recover mentally after abusing drugs and alcohol. All that doesn't go away because he put down the bottle and drugs. I needed to go my own path. To stay or go is a personal decision everyone must make for themselves.
Best,
Jen
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 10
All very good advice!! I too resorted to the ultimatum. But just because they are drinking do not underestimate their intelligence. Mine knew I did not mean it. Make sure you have a place to go and some financial resources to keep you going until you can obtain a means of supporting yourself. My AH would drink then get mean and one of us would leave only to come back in a day or so. it wasn't until I was in a good place and knew I could take care of things that he realised I was serious. When he returned I told him I didn't think it was a good idea and did not want him back if it included drinking. I could only have done this with the help of Alanon. They taught me so much about myself that I had to work on. It seemed that when I finally took the focus off him and his problems and put them on me and my problems things started to get better. I realize now I just had to get out of Gods way and he would take care of it WAY better than I ever could. Not saying this will be the case everytime but it has helped me so much. Hubby is sober only 2 1/2 weeks but I take it day by day and know that he can relapse anytime. Keep my eyes on my life and am enjoying my life for the first time in a LONG time.
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Onefoot - I was the queen of ultimatums but when he didn't come thru...I never did either.
The first treatment he went to was so that I woulnt leave him - he lasted 6 months.
The 2nd treatment was because he would lose his job otherwise....he stayed sober for 6 weeks.
We seperated last nov and he's still drinking.
He hasn't reached his rock bottom yet and I believe he doesn't really believe he's an A.
He won't quit UNTIL he WANTS to - nothing you do or say will speed that up.
Hang in there and keep reading and posting here
M.
The first treatment he went to was so that I woulnt leave him - he lasted 6 months.
The 2nd treatment was because he would lose his job otherwise....he stayed sober for 6 weeks.
We seperated last nov and he's still drinking.
He hasn't reached his rock bottom yet and I believe he doesn't really believe he's an A.
He won't quit UNTIL he WANTS to - nothing you do or say will speed that up.
Hang in there and keep reading and posting here
M.
Last edited by Milly39; 07-17-2012 at 09:02 AM. Reason: typo
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 35
Well.....he says he's quitting but has yet to call anyone about getting help. 
I asked him if he's going to tell me when he calls, but he says right now he has no urges to drink and down the road he may feel he needs to call someone for support.
I really don't think that bodes well. He has told some of our friends he's serious about quitting but those are just words and we haven't even hit the weekend yet.
Milly, I don't plan on joining you in being a queen of ultimatums. I already sought the advice of a lawyer, of which he knows about, and that didn't spur him to stop drinking. I've already told him I know he can't do this on his own, and maybe he is just waiting till he really feels an urge, to call and talk to someone, but I already know if he drinks one beer without having sought help, I am having the divorce papers drawn up. I WILL support him in his quest in recovery but I WILL NOT make that call for him.
I will let him know that when he REALLY gets serious enough to get help, I will support him as much as I can, but it won't be as his wife. As PP suggested, I am at the end of my rope, and I don't want to be in this situation anymore.
It may take some more skids in his life for him to get the serious WANT to change. In my opinion, and my experience, I don't want to spend ANOTHER 5 years in the same exact situation I'm in now.
I asked him if he's going to tell me when he calls, but he says right now he has no urges to drink and down the road he may feel he needs to call someone for support. I really don't think that bodes well. He has told some of our friends he's serious about quitting but those are just words and we haven't even hit the weekend yet.
Milly, I don't plan on joining you in being a queen of ultimatums. I already sought the advice of a lawyer, of which he knows about, and that didn't spur him to stop drinking. I've already told him I know he can't do this on his own, and maybe he is just waiting till he really feels an urge, to call and talk to someone, but I already know if he drinks one beer without having sought help, I am having the divorce papers drawn up. I WILL support him in his quest in recovery but I WILL NOT make that call for him.
I will let him know that when he REALLY gets serious enough to get help, I will support him as much as I can, but it won't be as his wife. As PP suggested, I am at the end of my rope, and I don't want to be in this situation anymore.
It may take some more skids in his life for him to get the serious WANT to change. In my opinion, and my experience, I don't want to spend ANOTHER 5 years in the same exact situation I'm in now.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
It may take some more skids in his life for him to get the serious WANT to change. In my opinion, and my experience, I don't want to spend ANOTHER 5 years in the same exact situation I'm in now.
Beth
:ghug3
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Join Date: Jun 2011
Location: Ireland
Posts: 222
Onefoot - my AH used to "spout" the same BS - yes I know I need to give up drinking and I can do it on my own, no sweat, don't need help etc. etc
I think the reason he wouldnt make any calls or attempts to get help is because he didn't truly believe he needed it - " I am not like those other people who go the AA meetings - I'm not that bad "
the fact that he has been to treatment twice under duress shows that if your not in it 100%, your going to fail.
Truth is...in his own way he WAS that bad, IS that bad and until the penny drops...it wont change.
You sound strong and determined - stick to you guns.
Sending you more strength to follow through
M.
I think the reason he wouldnt make any calls or attempts to get help is because he didn't truly believe he needed it - " I am not like those other people who go the AA meetings - I'm not that bad "
the fact that he has been to treatment twice under duress shows that if your not in it 100%, your going to fail.
Truth is...in his own way he WAS that bad, IS that bad and until the penny drops...it wont change.
You sound strong and determined - stick to you guns.
Sending you more strength to follow through
M.
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