About the kids...
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
About the kids...
Looking for some experiences....
My AH spent 2 months in rehab, and relapsed 5 months later. That was 2 months ago. My DD does not seem to realize, though she is only 8 so what she "realizes" is probably difficult for her to articulate, I'm am sure she knows things are tense and challenging again for her dad and me.
I have pulled away from him physically and emotionally, which is not the wife "role model" I want to be for her. She loves him so much, but they are not close, and he often complains that she doesn't want to spend time with him. From her perspective, she feels like he never does what she wants to do (swimming, biking, coming to see her dance, playing games etc) because he is always "tired" so she is not very inclined to participate in his "activities". He, of course, blames me, as I have (duh) been the 100% caregiver since day 1. She wants to be with me always. I am the calm one, the primary parent, the involved one, the one who knows all her friends' parents.... everything.
Anyway, for those of you with young children who left your As, how did the children react at first? Like, especially those kids for whom the problem was not super defined (no abuse, very little fighting when they are home, mostly tension and an uninvolved A)?? Also, how did you help them understand and cope?
What about visits later? Do/did the relationships continue between A and children?
Thank you!
L.
My AH spent 2 months in rehab, and relapsed 5 months later. That was 2 months ago. My DD does not seem to realize, though she is only 8 so what she "realizes" is probably difficult for her to articulate, I'm am sure she knows things are tense and challenging again for her dad and me.
I have pulled away from him physically and emotionally, which is not the wife "role model" I want to be for her. She loves him so much, but they are not close, and he often complains that she doesn't want to spend time with him. From her perspective, she feels like he never does what she wants to do (swimming, biking, coming to see her dance, playing games etc) because he is always "tired" so she is not very inclined to participate in his "activities". He, of course, blames me, as I have (duh) been the 100% caregiver since day 1. She wants to be with me always. I am the calm one, the primary parent, the involved one, the one who knows all her friends' parents.... everything.
Anyway, for those of you with young children who left your As, how did the children react at first? Like, especially those kids for whom the problem was not super defined (no abuse, very little fighting when they are home, mostly tension and an uninvolved A)?? Also, how did you help them understand and cope?
What about visits later? Do/did the relationships continue between A and children?
Thank you!
L.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
Addition.... she knew (as much as possible for her age) why he was gone for 2 months. She has a therapist to assist us with adoption related issues (she is from China - another whole complication) who helped explain the alcoholism and depression stuff to her.
L.
L.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
I think the therapist will be the best source of advise on sharing information with your daughter.
I think it is important to emphasis with a child that they did not do anything to cause the split. They did not do anything to cause the addiction. And keep reminding them.
I also emphasis that they are loved by both of their parents.
I think it is important to emphasis with a child that they did not do anything to cause the split. They did not do anything to cause the addiction. And keep reminding them.
I also emphasis that they are loved by both of their parents.
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
Hi, Ellvk. There was more involved in the relationship between AXH and I. He was abusive.
Even with that, the relationship between DS and his father continues. It's not what I wanted for DS. It's not what DS wants from his father (he also knows Daddy is too 'tired' to do any of the things he promises). It's sporadic. But such as it is, it continues.
DS was 3 when we left. He's 7 now. He knows that his father isn't going to be the one to take him fishing, or teach him to shoot a bow and arrow. He knows his Daddy isn't the one who taught him to ride his bike. He knows he will be the only kid in his class (literally) whose dad doesn't come see his play. He doesn't like it. It hurts him. But he .... accepts (or understands...) that's the way it is.
Even with that, the relationship between DS and his father continues. It's not what I wanted for DS. It's not what DS wants from his father (he also knows Daddy is too 'tired' to do any of the things he promises). It's sporadic. But such as it is, it continues.
DS was 3 when we left. He's 7 now. He knows that his father isn't going to be the one to take him fishing, or teach him to shoot a bow and arrow. He knows his Daddy isn't the one who taught him to ride his bike. He knows he will be the only kid in his class (literally) whose dad doesn't come see his play. He doesn't like it. It hurts him. But he .... accepts (or understands...) that's the way it is.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Alaska
Posts: 2,913
This from Pelican:
is so important.
Originally Posted by Pelican 
I think it is important to emphasis with a child that they did not do anything to cause the split. They did not do anything to cause the addiction. And keep reminding them.
I also emphasis that they are loved by both of their parents.
I also emphasis that they are loved by both of their parents.
Sobriety date 12/19/2011
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: TX
Posts: 409
I just left my addict one month ago. We have 2 boys together, aged 12 and 13.
I prayed everyday for 6 months to know what to do, how to do it, and if it is in the best interest of my family. It was a very hard decision, and I knew I couldn't do it without my Higher Powers guidance. I didn't even know if it was in my best interests, or my family's.
I recently became sober, on 12/19/11, and he refused all of my help. He wasn't a drinker, but he smoked pot EVERY day since he was 17, he was a wake and bake. He woke up every morning and smoked it, and smoked it until he went to sleep. I couldn't take it anymore.
I finally found a home, and moved out. I didn't tell anyone, I just did it.
The boys have been supportive, but they still absolutely love their dad, so in a way they feel sorry for him. I look like the bad person, because I moved out.
I continue to keep my communication with them open, and I keep asking them if they are mad at me, and they say no. They have really opened up to me though, telling me secrets that they have been holding on to about their dad.
I am just following my program through all of this by going to an AA meeting about every day, and working on my steps.
I have also been to al-anon, one time, but I really liked it. I need to focus on my sobriety through all of this, but I will go back to al-anon soon.
The boys are doing just fine, they have adjusted to two homes, but it is going to be some work for me. I am going to keep explaining to them what I have to do. They just asked me to give the other house to dad, and I told them I can't do that! So, there is going to be some major explaining that will need to happen, but I haven't crossed that line yet. I am continually giving all of this to my Higher Power, so that hopefully, I can keep the balance and stability in their lives.
I prayed everyday for 6 months to know what to do, how to do it, and if it is in the best interest of my family. It was a very hard decision, and I knew I couldn't do it without my Higher Powers guidance. I didn't even know if it was in my best interests, or my family's.
I recently became sober, on 12/19/11, and he refused all of my help. He wasn't a drinker, but he smoked pot EVERY day since he was 17, he was a wake and bake. He woke up every morning and smoked it, and smoked it until he went to sleep. I couldn't take it anymore.
I finally found a home, and moved out. I didn't tell anyone, I just did it.
The boys have been supportive, but they still absolutely love their dad, so in a way they feel sorry for him. I look like the bad person, because I moved out.
I continue to keep my communication with them open, and I keep asking them if they are mad at me, and they say no. They have really opened up to me though, telling me secrets that they have been holding on to about their dad.
I am just following my program through all of this by going to an AA meeting about every day, and working on my steps.
I have also been to al-anon, one time, but I really liked it. I need to focus on my sobriety through all of this, but I will go back to al-anon soon.
The boys are doing just fine, they have adjusted to two homes, but it is going to be some work for me. I am going to keep explaining to them what I have to do. They just asked me to give the other house to dad, and I told them I can't do that! So, there is going to be some major explaining that will need to happen, but I haven't crossed that line yet. I am continually giving all of this to my Higher Power, so that hopefully, I can keep the balance and stability in their lives.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 64
Thanks for your perspectives. I work hard with her not to take his (or anyone's) behavior personally. She really struggles with fear of rejection, and often freaks out at the thought that someone is mad or does not like her.
She has mentioned adamantly in the past that if her dad and I ever got a divorce she would leave us both and go live with her grandparents. (she has a couple of friends who have divorced parents). She gets super worked up about it.
L.
She has mentioned adamantly in the past that if her dad and I ever got a divorce she would leave us both and go live with her grandparents. (she has a couple of friends who have divorced parents). She gets super worked up about it.
L.
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