itsmylifenow

They say that married men never leave their wives.

And, alcoholics never give up drinking.

My Abf and I just went out for a boat ride in his new boat this afternoon. After packing 10 beers and a bottle of champagne for a few hour ride he was good to go.

I watched as he drank one after the other. I could see when it started getting to him. It was really hot today and I think that added to how fast it hit him. He wasn't remembering things, had that glassy look and laughed at nothing I could see was funny....I'm sure you all know what that looks like.

He pounded one before he got in the car, then proceeded to pull out his bowl and smoke. I looked over at him at one point and it looked like he was closing his eyes to go to sleep.

I freaked out. Yelled at him and said he was too wasted to drive. He insisted he was fine, that I was overreacting (aren't we always?), that he would get me home safe and well. And, why was I being such a tight ass?

We get to his house and he tries kissing me and telling me to shake it off, not to get all weird about it. Then started calling himself a drunk, but in a mocking way as if I was saying it about him. Needless to say we got into an argument, which is stupid to do with someone who is wasted, but I needed to say some things. He is a drunk. He has no respect for himself and what he does with his life is his business. But, I expect to be with someone that wants to protect me, not hurt me. Him driving under the influence wasn't protecting anyone.

As he stood there and we are yelling, I'm looking at him beyond the drinking guy. I see a vision of a guy I care about, who I wish could just be a normal, happy guy instead of this angry, drunk jerk that lives in him more than not.

And, as I left I wondered what's it going to finally take to walk away from this? Why am I so in need of his affection, or attention or "love", that these things are not breaking points for me. The red flags have been all over the field since day 1...I've over looked them for too long and now I don't even know what's right or wrong. 3 years ago I bitched at him for getting high in the car and said..no way.. if he was going to do that I was going to get out of the car. But, he smoothed it over. Said he was fine. Made me think I was out of line for something so simple. And, I've put up with stuff like this ever since.

I just don't see what it's going to take to walk away from him...again...this time for good. There is a part of me that is codependent on him...I feel it. I feel the need...he's like this drug I can't get away from. Even now, I want to be with him, want it all to go away and pretend it didn't happen. It's like I'm two different people at times. The one who knows how toxic this relationship is for me and the one who puts on these rose colored glasses after the bad stuff happens and pretends its something it's not.

I know the advice. I've taken it. I've walked away and had my own life for a little while. But, his pull over me is huge. We've never gone more than 30 days apart...can't seem to get past that point. He fills a need, it must be such a deep, deep internal need that I continue to stay in this to avoid the pain. I realized one day that the intense pain I would feel if he was gone was way worse than the pain he was putting me through on a daily basis. I need to heal what's inside or I may never end this cycle.

Thanks for letting me vent here. No friends to call...they've been through this with me enough...watched me leave him only to get back again and again. They don't deserve to have to listen to any of this anymore. :help

LaTeeDa

Pure speculation, you know? You're predicting the pain you may feel and comparing it to actual pain you are feeling. That's fear. My therapist helped me understand that I was actually causing myself more pain by my actions designed to avoid pain. How's that for twisted? The other thing you're not considering is that breakup pain goes away. Staying with an alcoholic pain goes on indefinitely.

Do you have a therapist? Attend Alanon?

L

wicked

Uh, what? More like drunks never leave their enablers.

If you have never been apart more than thirty days, I do not think you have followed the advice. Stinkin thinkin. Follow through is what it takes. He has no pull over you other than the one you created to keep you stuck there.

I could not heal until I got away from the illness that kept my codependence roaring like the fires of hell. Very painful, but I kept standing there while he threw another shovel of
coal on the fire. Get away long enough to get the focus back on you.

Beth

akalacha

¨ ... I continue to stay in this to avoid the pain. I realized one day that the intense pain I would feel if he was gone was way worse than the pain he was putting me through on a daily basis.¨

Maybe you will be able to walk away when the pain you feel on an everyday basis gets to be too much. I'm afraid that if he continues drinking/drugs that day WILL come. But if that's what it takes for you to make a chamge, that will be a good thing.

24Years

Could your intense pain you have possibly felt before be what you will always feel while grieving the loss of a relationship? Grieving the loss of 25 years of marriage was 6 months of internal pain...but it did end, it did go away though before I understood grieving (or how I grieve) I wondered what was wrong with me.

jessiec

I understand where you are. Outwardly tolerating (if reluctantly and with protest) behaviors that are absolutely intolerable and screaming on the inside. Hurting, but convinced the all-consuming pain of their absence would wound you more (even if their behavior is very harmful -- possibly deadly).

I just got out of that. I was pushed into getting out of that. My XAbF finally crossed the line so far there was no going back (after convincing me to stay with him the week my new place was ready when I had other offers, he proceeded to be a drunken ass most of my stay because he couldn't hide his dependency when we were together so much. He freaked me out one night so much -- calling me names in an unprompted drunken rage, making me stressed and scared. And this was the night before my birthday and the night before he was to help me move. I ended up leaving, taking all my stuff and my cats with me to a friend's house that night. I did not answer his apology texts and moved without any of his help. My friends and family have no respect for him now. Not sure if I do either.)

Thre is no going back now. He sabotaged my birthday and my move. He let me down when I've needed him the most. He embarrassed me and made my friends have to pick up his slack. While this has been hard and hurtful, I'm relieved there was an "event" -- something big I could point to and say, "I am not taking this s*** anymore!"

Maybe you will have one of those moments too.

Adventure

Hi itsmylifenow

I understand to a certain extent how we stay/keep going back. Hope has an incredible hold over us and keeps pulling us back into ridiculous situations. For some reason we think that something is going to be differernt each time.

What I'm struggling a bit to understand is why you would put your life in danger on two occassions. I don't understand why you would go out on a boat with the person in control under the influence. I also don't understand why you would get in the car with him and allow him to drive. Did he drink all 10 beers and then drive the car? I'm pretty shocked that someone would allow themselves to be put at risk like that.

I get that you are still there, because I am too. But maybe it's time to consider a few boundaries at least. I can't stop my AH drink driving (he does it almost every day), but I can choose whether to get in the car with him or not. I have only been in the car with my AH twice in the last 18 months because of this boundary. It is an absolute no-no for me.

Please mind yourself and try to avoid putting yourself at risk.

Adventure

Learn2Live

What it is going to take is you finally Accepting the truth and seeking your own Recovery.

Alucard

You are codependent on this male. You have a "fantasy vision" of what he would be like sober, and how neat your guy's life would be as a couple, sober. But his first love is alcohol/drugs. You are subjecting yourself to ridiculous levels of stress and anxiety. Watch that you dont start neglecting yourself, losing weight, hair falling off, ect. I couldnt take it after only 4 weeks. I got the hell out, and retained my sanity. It's hard, as I did love her or at least the idea of her sober. But her alcoholic reality was one bad nightmare.

BlueSkies1

I wish i could answer this question for you with a definite date and time when you will feel differently enough that you won't want to return to the madness.
How many times did I leave my exah? I'm not sure. 10 maybe? Sometimes I left for a few days. Sometimes I left for a month. Then I spent more than a year on the couch, and then I divorced him, and spent over a year apart. Then I went back, that's right, after divorce, and went back twice. Then I left again. What's different this time? What makes it different this time that I know I would never return to him while he is the way he is?

It's difficult to pinpoint exactly what is different in ME this time. I can feel it though, and I know the answer to returning again to the madness is NO WAY. Why? Because I know that nothing has changed and it would be exactly the same story all over again. He is still an active alcoholic, and I will never live with one again.
How did I finally draw that boundary line and decide I will never cross it again?
I think I realized that this story was never going to change unless he changed, and he will never change as long as I am there accepting his alcoholism. If I am with him, it is acceptance. If I refuse to be with him, maybe he will decide to do something about it, or maybe he won't--but the key here is that either way, I get a sane life for myself.

What lightbulb finally lit up in my brain? I would say that I finally truly understood that I didn't have to live that way. I think I finally realized that daily constant stress, anxiety, and worry about the alcoholic is not a normal way to live. I think I finally saw that most people do not live with that kind of insanity, and that the time, energy, and thinking we spend caught up in it totally steals the energy, time, and thinking we would spend enjoying life, discovering new things instead of going over the same-ole thoughts about the alcoholic, bring our anxiety levels down to normal for normal occurances, talking and relating to sane people--people who are actually going forward in some way with their lives instead of riding a roller coaster daily. It finally sunk in that that is sanity, and the other was a vicious circle and never progressed anywhere.
Somewhere in all that type of thinking I realized that I didn't want to live with the daily robbing of my thoughts. I wanted my thinking to be able to be about sane living, discoveries, enjoyment, and progression in life. I wanted off the roller coaster. Other people's lives naturally move forward, but connected to an alcoholic, our lives never do. It's not natural for life to go in circles instead of moving forward. I remembered what a forward moving life felt like, and I wanted it back.
My exah can face his demons, deal with the undealt pain from childhood or not. But I am no longer going to sacrifice myself while he ponders the thought of ever dealing with it all.
You have to get a little selfish, just enough to know how seriously you've been robbed of living.

itsmylifenow

Last summer things had gotten really bad with his drinking and I had gone to an Al-anon meeting. All I kept telling myself was that this wasn't my life. That I wasn't the alcoholic, I didn't want this kind of crap in my life and I wasn't going to have it be what my life was about.

After reading some articles in the sticky section, I realize that this IS my life. That I AM codependent. That I didn't see my part in the dynamics of this relationship. That I wasn't looking at the reality of who he really is and what my contributions are in continuing with this.

My posts all say how much I need him. But, not for love and companionship, I need him because He needs me. For everything.

I started making a list of everyone who was important to me and the dynamics of the relationships. From my very early years I was the one with the answers in my family. I had value and importance because I could step up and do things for them. (non-drinking family too). That's where I learned my value came in helping people and doing things they couldn't do for themselves. Every friend and boyfriend had this same dynamic with it. I call it the Fonzi/Richie relationship. Bad guy/good guy - one who causes the trouble the other being there to clean it all up and offer responsible advice. They needed each other to balance one another out.

My ex-h was different. He didn't need me. For anything. He was independent and whenever I tried to help him he was adamant he didn't need my help. He became my family's "fixit" person over me. He took my value in my family away. I resented him for that.

And, I lack boundaries. I know this...I see it. Oh, I have them but I don't often respect them for fear of someone walking away from me. I seem to be quite screwed up in that area. The article in the sticky section about that was amazing and and eye opener for me this morning.

I have said to him in the past that I wasn't going to ride with him if he was drinking while driving. But, I never said what I would do if he did. Or, I might have said I wouldn't ride with him and he shrugged it off like it wasn't a big deal or I was making too much out of it. And, the next time it happened I probably didn't say anything.

I have much to work on.

Learn2Live

It was a very painful and dangerous lesson for me to learn that NO ONE is going to protect me, no matter who they are (fiance, husband, whatever) or what they say or indicate they feel about me. I almost lost my life from having believed for so long that "if someone loves you they will protect you." I have found that it is those I let closest to me that have the most power to destroy me, if I do not take the appropriate measures one must take to remain open to reality and protect oneself from the harm that sick people can do. Alcoholics and addicts do not take care of or protect themselves; they are not going to take care of or protect their partner, or even their children. They take care of and protect their disease.

Freedom1990

The progressive nature of addiction/alcoholism will only increase the pain you fill as time goes on as long as you choose to remain enmeshed with him.

I know for me, I was terrified of finding out who I was because I always defined myself in relation to others...a mother, a daughter, a wife, a girlfriend.

I don't know what has been suggested to you, but "Women Who Love Too Much" by Robin Norwood really opened up my eyes to my delusional thinking, my attraction to dysfunctional men, and the patterns I repeated over and over. "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie is also an excellent read.

My therapist has been invaluable over the years.

Attending Alanon and practicing its principles in all areas of my life has made a huge difference too.

I promise you that there is a terrific, intelligent, loving and strong lady within you. You just need to make the effort in your own recovery!

Sending you hugs of support!

yorkiegirl

Wow! Thank you for your post! It made me so sad because that was me. I could have written your post! Thank you so much for sharing. It took me having a child, not wanting the same life for her(for her not to be treated the way I was being treated or allowing myself to be treated), and then mustering enough courage to do something different (something I never had the courage or strength to do: to leave!). . . .I couldn't do it for myself but I was able to for our child. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. My leaving ended up (unintended consequence)helping my RAH hit bottom & eventually get into recovery. What I couldn't do for myself (but for my child ) ended up saving me & my alcoholic husband and I hope to goodness it is giving our child a chance at a more healthy and *normal* life.

I hope you will keep posting and sharing. I can relate so deeply and I appreciate what it means to be addicted to the addict (my disease).

Alucard

Wow. Incredible post...I am sad, even a little depressed by the fact that hopes and dreams were shattered by the ugly reality of her alcoholism and it's extent. BUT on the other hand, I was sick to death of the constant stress and anxiety and worry. I also wanted off the rollercoaster. I also want to move forward.

BlueSkies1

You think it is an incredible post because you can hear what it said, and you are at a similar place. It is interesting how all of us can't hear even when we can read the words if we are not there yet. I could have read my own words years ago, and they would not have resonated at all, and that even scares me for the woman I was years ago--how blind she was even when the words were right in front of her.

FifiRhubarb

I know the feeling so well. I wasn't planning to stick around on this board, was going to retreat into the real world of people who know me, and who know my ABF, but I saw your post and even the title told me I had to read it. I am going through the same thing you are in terms of not being able to walk away. I'm not going to scold you about being in the car with someone who's been drinking because I know you know about all that. I have done the same thing, tell my ABF I won't tolerate certain things, and then I do. The things he has done and said are so atrocious sometimes that if a friend of mine was with him instead of me, I would tell them to cut the ******* loose. But I see in him the good person I know he is and that's what makes it so hard. I have already begun to detach myself in a way I never have, though, and I set some boundaries and told him that our recent separation has taught me that even though I don't want to, I CAN live without him if I have to. Of course we can't control an addict's behavior, but what we can do is stop tolerating it. Because if there is any hope of him changing, there has to be incentive.


I swear you are reading my mind! I am terrified of the pain of losing my ABF, and it's all I can think about really. Or at least it was until the last couple of days. But then I realized that this pain I am in now, which is probably the worst I have ever felt, has been caused by this person. And I don't know about you but the relationship I am afraid to lose, I don't really have. I only have the crap he has given me and the disappointment and pain it resulted in. If we HAVE to feel fear, maybe we can turn it to fear of the pain we will endure repeatedly if we stick around?

itsmylifenow

Well interesting night to say the least.

I hadn't seen ABf since the incident on Friday afternoon. I was really quite numb over the whole thing and knew I had to put up some boundaries because I never want to ride in a car with him again.

His excuse was that although he had been drinking and did smoke a bit, it was the extreme heat that did him in. He was tired...exhausted actually...and that's why he almost fell asleep while driving. And, if I had just communicated (his favorite thing to say) to him that he should wait until he got home to get high that would have been the thing to do.

Then came the part where he apologized for making me scared and was this going to be something he was going to have to pay for the rest of his life? (don't know...I won't around that long with him to care).

Basically, his attitude was it happened, he was sorry and blamed it on everything but the alcohol and his irresponsibility.

Of course, when I get there doesn't he want to take a drive somewhere? He hadn't been drinking but I told him I didn't want to ride in a car with him. When I offered to drive he said I could follow behind him. Now, this will be the big thing..I won't ride with him ever again. All because of some silly little moment where he was tired and closed his eyes for a second.

I do know one thing. My resolve is definitely better when we aren't together. It's much harder when I see him, although honestly, I lost what little respect I had for the guy the other day and I don't see him like I did. Whatever it takes to open your eyes I guess.

Jadmack25

"I do know one thing. My resolve is definitely better when we aren't together. It's much harder when I see him, although honestly, I lost what little respect I had for the guy the other day and I don't see him like I did. Whatever it takes to open your eyes I guess."

This sounds to me, like a perfect reason for NC.

outonalimb

Alcoholism is a progressive disease. It's only going to get worse over time unless/until he seeks recovery for himself.

I lost respect for my exah too....a long time before I finally ended up leaving him and divorcing. Being in a "relationship" with someone you don't respect...and someone you don't trust...makes for a very lonley, very demeaning, very isolated type of life.

Going 'no contact' for a while might just give you the clarity you seek.

hugs and understanding....
Mary