Cvenurse

I am not at all sure what to say. I am married to a wonderful man...a soul mate.
I grew up in a violent alcoholic family. Long story short...I have worked all my life to get away from them...and now am the only survivor of that family. I feel alcoholism has robbed my childhood, ruined my young adulthood, and left scars that as an older woman I still try to hide. It's trying now to take my marriage.
My husband drinks beer when he works outside...I don't see anything wrong with that. He drinks something alcoholic every night; this concerns me. But the real scary part...when he is home alone and I am at work, he gets drunk.....I mean staggering, bobbing and weaving drunk. And I frequently find that he has gone to the store to get supplies for a project or groceries at some point during this heavy drinking. His projects usually include electricity or heights or water...something that could kill him if he was unsteady or not clear headed.
I have threatened to leave him more than once. But, honestly the mere thought of doing so brings tears to my eyes. At this time he has thrown out all alcohol in our home. But he has done this before. I tell him I am not angry at him, I love him. But I am very disappointed as I thought he was much stronger. I also let him know that I have given enough of my life to a disease that I have never had, and I will not give it any more. Help I am lying because everyday I work and he is home I am sick to my stomach with worry of what I will find when I come home. Any words of wisdom are welcome and appreciated.
Thank you,
Cavenurse

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Yes, you are in the right place! We are here to support you. We understand and want you to know you are not alone.

When I first arrived here, I learned about the 3 C's of my loved ones alcoholism:

I did not Cause it
I cannot Control it
I will not Cure it

In time, I learned to accept that concept. I learned by reading and posting here at SR, attending Alanon meetings, and by reading self improvement books.

One of my favorite postings has been preserved as a Sticky Post (sticky posts are the posts located at the top of this main forum page). This post contains steps that helped me while I was living with active alcoholism. Here is a link to that post:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...l-problem.html

Cvenurse

I read that post you linked, it was very informative and helpful. I will find an al-anon group near me. I think I need that, but I am also embarrassed to need it. I am guilty of many of the things your post it said don't do. But, it sounds so hopeless. We have a marriage that others looking from the outside envy....couldn't loss of that be a "hit bottom"? I feel like maybe I'm reaching for an easy answer, one that will save my dear hubbie and me...and us. Makes me feel weak myself.
Thank you again.

wicked

I do understand being embarrassed about needing help. When I was actively drinking, I thought if everyone knew I was an alcoholic they would think I was weak.
After getting an education on my addiction I found out that it took great strength to admit I needed help.
If nothing changes, nothing changes. Except his alcoholism will progress. It will get worse he will either die from drinking or live with recovery. That is it.

I am a recovering alcoholic cavenurse, and I have to ask what good do you think shaming will do for him. I was so ashamed of my addiction that I drank until I could not feel the shame any more. The next day, the shame was back.
Please do not tell yourself or him that either one of you is weak, it will lead to bad places and even worse behavior.

Beth

shawty80

welcome to sr, cvenurse.

i think that, to some extent, most of us here are guilty of the things on that list. i know that i certainly was! go easy on yourself, though, for you have been through the wringer. i commend you for finding the courage to post!!!

what is it that embarasses you about going to al-anon? the first time i went, i was scared out of my mind, unsure of what i would say and if i would even be able to say anything for my tears. i mustered up all of my strength, though, and walked through that door to three people who knew EXACTLY what i was going through. i, mistakenly, quit going when my xabf and i broke up in september and have yet to return, even though we began dating again and his drinking increased. we recently broke up AGAIN, and i am trying to find the courage to go back.

kinda makes one wonder what is going on behind closed doors in their homes, eh? i recently had dinner with a group of my girlfriends, and as we all sat around discussing our relationships (current and past), i realized that NONE of our relationships were ever what everyone else imagined them to be. in fact, every single one of us had SOMETHING dramatic that had wrecked (or was wrecking) a significant relationship. from alcoholism, drug addiction, two abusive relationships, a sex addiction, to tons of abandonment and codepenency issues, we covered a lot of "imperfections." it doesn't pay to dwell on appearances.

sadly, you can't count on the loss of your marriage being enough to make him hit his bottom. my xabf BEGGED me to come back to him in december, and just a few short weeks ago kicked me out (after blaming me for all kinds of crap that is TOTALLY untrue) because i have issues with his drinking (1.75L of rum in two days, plus nightly forays to the bar...). quite simply, he would rather have me out of the way of his precious bacardi, than to feel guilty about drinking in front of me. according to him, he "doesn't have a problem." it is not for me to decide whether he does, or not. all i can do is determine what is acceptable to ME. and, frankly, his drinking is NOT acceptable.

there is no easy answer, either. this road is as rocky as they come, but you have made a HUGE step toward your own sanity and a peaceful existence by reaching out on sr.

keep reading and posting, my dear. this place will do wonders for your soul!!!

misty <3

Cyranoak

Feeling embarrassed is OK, it's what you feel. But, intellectually, know that it's not embarrassing you need it. No more than it's embarrassing to need any other kind of help. It's ok to need help.

What would be embarrassing would be to need help and not ask for it. That's what's embarrassing in my opinion.

Take care,

Cyranoak

Cvenurse

Thank you so much everyone. He is working tonight and I am reading everything I can get my eyes on. Wicked, I didn't mean to shame him for the drinking only for not going to an AA meeting or making an effort to get help somewhere. He is so smart. But, I heard you....and thank you very much. I won't say that again. He is indeed drowning something.
I guess, I just worked so hard to get away from alcoholism as a very young girl and made some heart-wrenching decisions to walk away and cut ties from family that I am embarrassed that I am at this place again. Embarrassed that my love for him seems to weaken my ability to make that same decision again. I want him to outlive me....not the other way around. Maybe I haven't "hit bottom" either.
Thank you all so much,
Cvenurse

Katiekate

I am guilty of many of the things your post it said don't do

Well then welcome to the club, I don't think there are many of us here or in the rooms that are not guilty of many of the things that post said not to do.

Welcome, so glad you found us.

love to you Katie

wicked

Cavenurse,

We are all here to learn, there is no embarrassment here. Nor shame.
I understand how you feel to get away from it, then be in that spot again.
I have done it too.
No shame here either.
I am glad you are here, there is a lot to learn.
And a lot of excellent wisdom here to absorb.

:ghug3

Beth

Pelican

Oh, I could write a book on all the things I did ~ and since learned not to do!

We have a saying in the rooms of recovery: Progress not perfection.

One of my favorite self-improvement authors is Melody Beattie (author of Codependent No More) and she writes about the stages of recovery being the 3 A's of Recovery:

Awareness
Acceptance
Action

By recognizing what I was doing/not doing in my situation, I became aware of my role in the dysfunctional relationship. I had to become aware of my part before I could do anything else. I was in denial for a while - which is okay because our denial is a form of self protection. When we are ready, the teacher comes.

After awareness, I had to spend time in acceptance. Instead of feeling guilt/shame, look for ways to accept yourself. In my case, I was doing the best I could with the knowledge I had at the time. As I became aware, I was able to forgive myself for letting myself down. I accepted my role in the dysfunction and prepared myself for change.

This is when I began to make changes, in myself. My biggest struggle was learning to respond instead of react to situations. Living with active addiction ~ I became an expert in reacting and often over reacting.

Progress, not perfection! I am getting there one day at a time.

You will find your way too, and we will be here to support you!