Very Ashamed
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
sparklingeyes, I'm not here to judge or tell you what to do. I'm just here to say that I am sorry for what your fiancee has been putting you through - no one deserves that. We all deserve to be loved and appreciated. It seems the cruel comments from your fiancee are preying upon and magnifying your insecurities...just know that you aren't what other people say you are - you are what you want to be. Be beautiful, be strong, be safe. 
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Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 1,295
Originally Posted by CeciliaV 
sparklingeyes, I'm not here to judge or tell you what to do. I'm just here to say that I am sorry for what your fiancee has been putting you through - no one deserves that. We all deserve to be loved and appreciated. It seems the cruel comments from your fiancee are preying upon and magnifying your insecurities...just know that you aren't what other people say you are - you are what you want to be. Be beautiful, be strong, be safe.
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 11
Originally Posted by sparklingeyes
told me that he hates women and doesn't even like having sex with them
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 40
Originally Posted by lolcabbage
He told you that he doesn't like to have sex with women? Has it occured to you that he may be a homosexual? I mean, it's one thing to say "I don't like sex", but if he says he doesn't like sex with women, well that seems different.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: md
Posts: 208
That's what I thought, too. I've asked him and he denied it. I think he is because he never kisses me and there is no sex. I wish he would just let me go, but he won't. It's very obvious he likes me as a friend but that's it. I grew up in a home where there is a loveless marriage and I won't settle for
that. It's a horrible feeling when someone you're intimate with acts like a roomate
..
that. It's a horrible feeling when someone you're intimate with acts like a roomate
..
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Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 16,246
Sparkling, I am with the others when my first thought is that he might be gay AND my second thought is that you might have been sexuaally abused somewhere along the line. Whenever I see anyone acting out sexually---like exposing their breasts deliberately to a stranger---that is my first thought. I have worked with people who have suffered this way.
Sparkling eyes, you must get help right away. You have given away your power and you CAN take it back.
When and where is the nearest alanon meeting. If you call, maybe someone can pick you up? Also, call the local domestic violence hotline and they will be happy to advise you. You are not describing love---you are describing ABUSE!!
When you start to take action, you will start to feel better right away.
dandylion
Sparkling eyes, you must get help right away. You have given away your power and you CAN take it back.
When and where is the nearest alanon meeting. If you call, maybe someone can pick you up? Also, call the local domestic violence hotline and they will be happy to advise you. You are not describing love---you are describing ABUSE!!
When you start to take action, you will start to feel better right away.
dandylion
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 602
Dear Sparkling Eyes:
1. I'm not going to harp about the taking rides thing. You don't need me to tell you it's dangerous and not a--what's the word?--not a self-caring thing to do, if you know what I mean.
2. Regarding your boyfriend--I don't give a damn whether he's gay or just a plain old-fashioned misogynist--what matters is he's abusive to you and it's not okay. Delving into the reasons why is HIS problem, not yours.
3. You wrote: "When I love someone they look perfect to me." Yes, that's because you're NORMAL! When I think of lovers I've been with, or people I've been in love with, none of them looked like supermodels with airbrushed abs or scary-perfect teeth or whatever. But to me they were beautiful and exciting because of how I felt about them.
I can't imagine saying something mean about someone's appearance, even if I felt angry at them. I bet you can't either, because it's not something normal people do. It's below the belt and cruddy. Your boyfriend is abusing you. It sounds like you're starting to see that.
4. I guarantee there is a domestic violence help center near where you live. Have a look, call one of the national help lines to make some first steps.
1. I'm not going to harp about the taking rides thing. You don't need me to tell you it's dangerous and not a--what's the word?--not a self-caring thing to do, if you know what I mean.
2. Regarding your boyfriend--I don't give a damn whether he's gay or just a plain old-fashioned misogynist--what matters is he's abusive to you and it's not okay. Delving into the reasons why is HIS problem, not yours.
3. You wrote: "When I love someone they look perfect to me." Yes, that's because you're NORMAL! When I think of lovers I've been with, or people I've been in love with, none of them looked like supermodels with airbrushed abs or scary-perfect teeth or whatever. But to me they were beautiful and exciting because of how I felt about them.
I can't imagine saying something mean about someone's appearance, even if I felt angry at them. I bet you can't either, because it's not something normal people do. It's below the belt and cruddy. Your boyfriend is abusing you. It sounds like you're starting to see that.
4. I guarantee there is a domestic violence help center near where you live. Have a look, call one of the national help lines to make some first steps.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: md
Posts: 208
Thank you all very much. I was raped in 2005. I justified started realizing that I had cutoff all my friends for the past seven years. I stopped all my normal activities since the rape. I am slowly coming awake
It is so strange that I did not know I had stopped everything and severed all my relationships. There is more to this relationship that will be revealed. I am starting with self-catering and taking baby steps.
It is so strange that I did not know I had stopped everything and severed all my relationships. There is more to this relationship that will be revealed. I am starting with self-catering and taking baby steps.
Still I rise.
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Oh Canada!
Posts: 1,121
Why the baby steps?
Why not just dump the jerk?
I agree with the others--a misogynist (woman hater) and/or a self-loathing closet gay man. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
Why waste another moment with someone like this? Leave him now and then you will be on the way to healing YOU. Stay with him a day longer and healing and progress will not happen.
You need to find the strength to dump him. Your life and self-esteem will only get worse with him in it.
Why not just dump the jerk?
I agree with the others--a misogynist (woman hater) and/or a self-loathing closet gay man. The two are not necessarily mutually exclusive.
Why waste another moment with someone like this? Leave him now and then you will be on the way to healing YOU. Stay with him a day longer and healing and progress will not happen.
You need to find the strength to dump him. Your life and self-esteem will only get worse with him in it.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
I see a lot of myself in your story sparklingeyes.
I was also raped and have a long story of sexual harassment at many levels.
Some has nothing to do with me (catcalls on the street) and in other times I have placed myself in disadvantageous situations for someone else to abuse me. In therapy they told me it is "acting out". Putting yourself in danger, so someone notices you and starts caring about you (in my case, my parents).
It never "worked" and as they do not know or knew but did not talk to me. I just fell deeper in my depression.
Lately I have been realizing I have felt like a wandering dog many times in my life. I have much healing yet to do. I have needed A LOT of alone time to know myself... to understand myself and have some self compassion. To start nurturing from my own strength and my love for nature, God and life itself. I love life. At least deep down! This is my mantra nowadays: "I love life".
You have to realize you are not a victim (I am just learning this the last months). You have options and control of your own life. You CAN change. I would suggest for you to get to therapy ASAP. A past event does not define you. What "we have always done" do not have to be repeated until we die. "How it has been like" is just that, we have new chances everyday.
BUT nothing changes if nothing changes. What are you waiting for? to be raped, traumatized (or worse) a 2nd time?
Sorry to be so blunt but this is where you are going, taking the risks you are taking.
PS In second hand stores they often sell cheap bikes in good condition.
I was also raped and have a long story of sexual harassment at many levels.
Some has nothing to do with me (catcalls on the street) and in other times I have placed myself in disadvantageous situations for someone else to abuse me. In therapy they told me it is "acting out". Putting yourself in danger, so someone notices you and starts caring about you (in my case, my parents).
It never "worked" and as they do not know or knew but did not talk to me. I just fell deeper in my depression.
Lately I have been realizing I have felt like a wandering dog many times in my life. I have much healing yet to do. I have needed A LOT of alone time to know myself... to understand myself and have some self compassion. To start nurturing from my own strength and my love for nature, God and life itself. I love life. At least deep down! This is my mantra nowadays: "I love life".
You have to realize you are not a victim (I am just learning this the last months). You have options and control of your own life. You CAN change. I would suggest for you to get to therapy ASAP. A past event does not define you. What "we have always done" do not have to be repeated until we die. "How it has been like" is just that, we have new chances everyday.
BUT nothing changes if nothing changes. What are you waiting for? to be raped, traumatized (or worse) a 2nd time?
Sorry to be so blunt but this is where you are going, taking the risks you are taking.
PS In second hand stores they often sell cheap bikes in good condition.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: md
Posts: 208
Actially, I'm not depressed at all. I spent an entire year with nature and much healing has occurred
It is because of all that time alone with nature that I was able to love again. He just can't receive it,. So, I will give that to myself
It is because of all that time alone with nature that I was able to love again. He just can't receive it,. So, I will give that to myself
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Westerly, RI
Posts: 7
You sound like a wonderful person and I do not know why in the world you have this person in your life. A FRIEND would never hurt you that way-NEvermind a FIANCE!!! Wake up every morning, look in the mirror and appreciate what you do have. Tell yourself everyday one thing that you love about yourself whether it be a feature or a personality trait. Turn this around, you don't have to degrade yourself with this fiance and you definitely should not be asking strangers about your self worth. Surround yourself with Good people and wholesome situations. Good luck.
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Join Date: Aug 2009
Posts: 3,443
Eventually find out what?
You might consider that you can do what is best for you, based on what you know right now, today.
Of course, take the time you need but spend that time working on yourself. All you need to know is before you. He shows you everyday who he is and how he feels about you. He does not need to reveal anything else. The answer to how to create a life of serenity, wholeness, happiness, safety, and fulfillment are inside you. Look inside yourself, not at him. There is lots to be revealed there but you'll have to go searching for it. I found that to be the key - and no small task.
You might consider that you can do what is best for you, based on what you know right now, today.
Of course, take the time you need but spend that time working on yourself. All you need to know is before you. He shows you everyday who he is and how he feels about you. He does not need to reveal anything else. The answer to how to create a life of serenity, wholeness, happiness, safety, and fulfillment are inside you. Look inside yourself, not at him. There is lots to be revealed there but you'll have to go searching for it. I found that to be the key - and no small task.
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