I'm all thought, no action
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
There is the German word "Alkoholiker" (alcoholic) and "Alkoholismus" (alcoholism) and it is used bluntly and often by the German AA groups. I am pretty sure that my husband is simply playing word games. His English is extremely good and we usually speak English with each other. How's that for being honest and not putting too positive a spin on things?
I'll get the hang of it eventually...
And yes, he's totally screwed and will be blacklisted if he gets fired with cause. Germans take that sort of thing very seriously and he will do whatever he thinks it takes to stop it from happening. But he will try to stick with the bare minimum of effort required.
I'll get the hang of it eventually...
And yes, he's totally screwed and will be blacklisted if he gets fired with cause. Germans take that sort of thing very seriously and he will do whatever he thinks it takes to stop it from happening. But he will try to stick with the bare minimum of effort required.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
But he will try to stick with the bare minimum of effort required.
I am pretty sure that my husband is simply playing word games
My father never said it, and he died from cirrhosis of the liver. Drinking no doubt about that. But he could never say it.
I know it is scary, but once I said it, I felt light - like I dropped a heavy load I carried for a long time.
I guess I did!
Beth
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
I can understand the difficulty in admitting "I am an alcoholic". It was difficult enough for me to admit to myself "my husband is an alcoholic" the first time, let alone say it aloud to someone. But after a while with repetition it gets much easier.
My husband was a social drinker when we married. ---> I see now he was already an alcoholic
Later he became a heavy drinker ---> an alcoholic
Now he's an alcohol abuser ---> still an alcoholic
To paraphrase Willie, a skunk by any other name still stinks.
My husband was a social drinker when we married. ---> I see now he was already an alcoholic
Later he became a heavy drinker ---> an alcoholic
Now he's an alcohol abuser ---> still an alcoholic
To paraphrase Willie, a skunk by any other name still stinks.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
I had left our two barky dogs quietly relaxing inside their crates inside the house when I went out. I came home 3 hours later at 8pm and had to deal with angry and upset neighbours, two very barky dogs running around the back garden, and a drunken AH passed out on the recliner.
I've managed to avoid needing to deal with official complaints to the police by apologising profusely. Looks like I will no longer be able to leave the dogs alone with AH, or else I will have to buy some real locks for the dog crates that AH won't be able to open.
AH did wake up about an hour after it was all over. According to him it is all my fault that the dogs aren't properly trained, and the dogs' fault for being so barky. He takes no responsibility for letting them out and then not properly supervising them.
Not his fault. Never his fault!
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Oh my!
Dog boxes with pad locks.
Might even need to buy heavy weights to put inside the dog crates to keep the drunk from picking up the whole crate w/dog and sticking it into the backyard (whimpering dogs might disturb his R&R).
I can see it now ~ dogs in crates in the back garden barking at passing wildlife and the alcoholic asleep on the recliner; and his justification being "They wanted to go out into the garden"
Hoping that gives you a smile because I know how frustrating it is to have an active alcoholic in charge of an assertive dog!
Dog boxes with pad locks.
Might even need to buy heavy weights to put inside the dog crates to keep the drunk from picking up the whole crate w/dog and sticking it into the backyard (whimpering dogs might disturb his R&R).
I can see it now ~ dogs in crates in the back garden barking at passing wildlife and the alcoholic asleep on the recliner; and his justification being "They wanted to go out into the garden"
Hoping that gives you a smile because I know how frustrating it is to have an active alcoholic in charge of an assertive dog!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Well, today we got the official approval for 15 weeks of inpatient treatment at the nearby center which was my husband's preferred choice. AH had been hoping for only 8 weeks, but I am not at all upset at the longer term and he seems to be resigned to going through with it.
AH has to fill out yet another multi-page form, something to do with income and finances. If I understand correctly, then the 15 weeks will cost us only about US$550 in copayments which is totally do-able. And for 9 weeks his income will be reduced by about a third, but we can survive that, too. Not spending any money on alcohol during this time will help.
There is a 2-3 week waiting period according to the rehab center's web site. That means that AH might be admitted by the end of August! AH didn't show any anger or other strong emotion at all when he opened the envelope and read the news. He just passed it over to me, and then quietly disappeared into the basement without a word.
After yesterday's long walk in the woods, I'm still feeling so much better balanced and grounded that I'm not even over reacting with wishful thinking and fantasy. Instead, it is like I somehow managed to hand over all responsibility for dealing with this to Someone Else and now I'm just along for the ride and am curious where it will take me. I definitely feel a sense of anticipation, but without any stress or worries. The future will unfold as it will, and I shall deal with whatever comes my way at the appropriate moment.
For now my husband is passed out on the easy chair, the dogs are relaxing after we had another nice long walk this evening, and I am feeling comfortably tired. The sense of peace I gained yesterday is still with me.
AH has to fill out yet another multi-page form, something to do with income and finances. If I understand correctly, then the 15 weeks will cost us only about US$550 in copayments which is totally do-able. And for 9 weeks his income will be reduced by about a third, but we can survive that, too. Not spending any money on alcohol during this time will help.
There is a 2-3 week waiting period according to the rehab center's web site. That means that AH might be admitted by the end of August! AH didn't show any anger or other strong emotion at all when he opened the envelope and read the news. He just passed it over to me, and then quietly disappeared into the basement without a word.
After yesterday's long walk in the woods, I'm still feeling so much better balanced and grounded that I'm not even over reacting with wishful thinking and fantasy. Instead, it is like I somehow managed to hand over all responsibility for dealing with this to Someone Else and now I'm just along for the ride and am curious where it will take me. I definitely feel a sense of anticipation, but without any stress or worries. The future will unfold as it will, and I shall deal with whatever comes my way at the appropriate moment.
For now my husband is passed out on the easy chair, the dogs are relaxing after we had another nice long walk this evening, and I am feeling comfortably tired. The sense of peace I gained yesterday is still with me.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Today was an extremely hot day and like most German houses, ours doesn't have air conditioning. It wasn't too bad inside since the place is well insulated. But after spending a bit of time outside with the dogs, I was ready for a nap.
I suggested to my husband that after the nap, when it had cooled down a bit, then perhaps we could together take the dogs for a walk in the woods and afterwards have a late dinner together. Just a nice, lazy family Sunday evening. He seemed to agree, but when I woke up around 5pm he was gone, and so was his car.
I decided that after a favourite TV show of mine which goes from 6-7pm, I would take the dogs out with or without him. AH returned around 6:30p and tried to bring a large bottle of vodka into the house. I calmly emptied it out and went back to watching TV. The next thing I know, he's driving away again.
So at 7:30pm I took the dogs and drove off in my car. It was still quite warm, so I stopped off and got myself an Iced Mocha Frappé at McDonalds and then parked at a little-known spot in the woods where I was unlikely to bump into any other people. I put the dogs on long 30 foot leashes attached to a tree, sat down with a book and read in the shade. Then I walked the dogs for a while and enjoyed the peace and quiet. Stopped off for a snack. At about 10:45pm as I was almost home, my cell phone rang. I pulled over, saw that AH had tried to reach me, and I called him back.
AH asked me if I could come and pick him up. I asked him where he was, and he gave me the name of a larger town a bit further away. Naturally, I asked him where exactly in the town, as I started to think of bars and pubs I know there. But he surprised me by saying that he was at the hospital. Oh, s***.... visions of car accidents, but I remained calm and asked him what happened. He vaguely said something about being taken there. He didn't want to stay overnight and insisted that I come and get him. In the background I heard a voice saying something about the neighbours, and AH asked me to call a particular neighbour of ours. I was confused but not too worried since it didn't sound like he was badly injured or about to die. Don't forget that I'm used to dealing with hospitals and emergencies because of my bipolar mother, so I don't panic easily.
Anyway, the voice in the background said something else which I didn't catch, and AH told me that they don't normally discharge patients late at night and the nurse can't do it alone but needs a doctor's permission. And apparently my signature. So he asked me to come, then more background chatter, finally he said he would call me back and hung up. I mentally shrugged and drove the last 10 minutes home.
As I reached our house, I spotted AH's car in the driveway. It didn't seem damaged at first glance, so obviously no car accident. Now I was truly intrigued, for lack of a better word, about what the heck had happened. Didn't have to wait long for my answer. I had barely parked the car in our driveway when my (German) elderly neighbour came running and calling my name. She handed over my husband's car key and explained that her husband had parked the car in our driveway for us. I got a bit confused, but didn't have to wait long for an explanation.
Seems that while I was away, AH returned but didn't quite make it all the way back home. For whatever reason he "parked" his car on the street down a little ways from our house, and passed out in the driver's seat. Another neighbour noticed him while walking his dog and became concerned that AH had passed out from the heat - heat stroke. The engine was turned off, but the car was blocking the road. So the guy tried to wake up my husband but couldn't. Other neighbours came out to help, and one called the paramedics.
The paramedics also had trouble waking up my husband. I suppose they suspected but couldn't know for sure if he was just passed out from alcohol or if it was something else. So they got him on a stretcher and took him to the hospital, while the neighbour very kindly moved the car.
So now I had the whole story of what had happened while I was out enjoying a peaceful and relaxing Sunday evening. I'm very glad that I wasn't there and that the neighbours didn't have my cell phone number, since it meant that AH was basically on his own and I couldn't have enabled even if I'd wanted to.
I took my time chatting with the neighbour, and very bluntly explained that my husband was going soon to inpatient rehab for alcoholism. I apologised for all the trouble and thanked her and her husband for getting involved, calling the paramedics, and parking the car. She insisted that I have nothing to apologise for, that she has known a few alcoholics and that it is much more widespread than many think. She was very sympathetic, and I actually felt quite good for having such a blunt and honest talk with her. I know that it will now become general knowledge all through the neighbourhood but frankly that doesn't bother me. As she said, I have nothing to be sorry about since I'm not the one drinking and causing any trouble. And she already knew that there was some sort of alcohol problem since I had told her husband that the reason the dogs had been allowed to bark for so long in the yard was because AH had passed out after drinking too much vodka.
After our chat, I called AH and asked him what's going on. He said that we both will have to meet with the doctor and that I would have to sign something to bring him home. He really didn't want to spend the night there. I didn't commit to bringing him home, but said that I would be there in about half an hour. And then I took my time putting together a few things I figured he would need for an overnight stay - a fresh t-shirt and jogging pants, slippers, and clean underwear. I've been through this routine before (with my Mom), and figured that he was going to at least stay one night for observation if German hospitals are anything like what I've already dealt with. They'd likely already slipped him a sleeping tablet or something like that. So I assumed that he wouldn't be coming home, but I at least wanted to make the token effort.
So I drove to the hospital to find out that my husband was fast asleep. The nurse was a little apprehensive at first but I quickly reassured her that I wasn't about to wake him and that I totally agreed to leave him overnight. He'd already been admitted and was in a regular hospital room, but his paperwork hadn't been completed yet. So I signed a whole bunch of forms as is usual with hospital admittance, and then had a little chat with the duty nurse. Turns out that this hospital does medically supervised alcohol detox. I explained that I was very unhappy that the family doctor had not ordered proper hospital detox before the inpatient rehab, and the nurse also wondered at the decision since it apparently is standard practice. We still have no official start date for the rehab.
The nurse suggested that tomorrow I bring along all the paperwork dealing with the rehab so that we could meet with a doctor to speak about adding a proper detox before rehab. I think it is a great idea even though I already know that AH won't be happy about it. But I am going to take advantage of this opportunity which he has himself created. He cannot blame me for landing in the hospital. Well, he can try, but I'm certainly not feeling any guilt at all.
So now I'm back home, having a nice cuppa with the back door open to enjoy the cool night air. It is very peaceful, with only the doggie snores breaking the silence. Meanwhile AH is asleep in his hospital bed, and will likely be unpleasantly surprised to find himself there in the morning when he wakes up.
Tomorrow will be a very interesting day.
I suggested to my husband that after the nap, when it had cooled down a bit, then perhaps we could together take the dogs for a walk in the woods and afterwards have a late dinner together. Just a nice, lazy family Sunday evening. He seemed to agree, but when I woke up around 5pm he was gone, and so was his car.
I decided that after a favourite TV show of mine which goes from 6-7pm, I would take the dogs out with or without him. AH returned around 6:30p and tried to bring a large bottle of vodka into the house. I calmly emptied it out and went back to watching TV. The next thing I know, he's driving away again.
So at 7:30pm I took the dogs and drove off in my car. It was still quite warm, so I stopped off and got myself an Iced Mocha Frappé at McDonalds and then parked at a little-known spot in the woods where I was unlikely to bump into any other people. I put the dogs on long 30 foot leashes attached to a tree, sat down with a book and read in the shade. Then I walked the dogs for a while and enjoyed the peace and quiet. Stopped off for a snack. At about 10:45pm as I was almost home, my cell phone rang. I pulled over, saw that AH had tried to reach me, and I called him back.
AH asked me if I could come and pick him up. I asked him where he was, and he gave me the name of a larger town a bit further away. Naturally, I asked him where exactly in the town, as I started to think of bars and pubs I know there. But he surprised me by saying that he was at the hospital. Oh, s***.... visions of car accidents, but I remained calm and asked him what happened. He vaguely said something about being taken there. He didn't want to stay overnight and insisted that I come and get him. In the background I heard a voice saying something about the neighbours, and AH asked me to call a particular neighbour of ours. I was confused but not too worried since it didn't sound like he was badly injured or about to die. Don't forget that I'm used to dealing with hospitals and emergencies because of my bipolar mother, so I don't panic easily.
Anyway, the voice in the background said something else which I didn't catch, and AH told me that they don't normally discharge patients late at night and the nurse can't do it alone but needs a doctor's permission. And apparently my signature. So he asked me to come, then more background chatter, finally he said he would call me back and hung up. I mentally shrugged and drove the last 10 minutes home.
As I reached our house, I spotted AH's car in the driveway. It didn't seem damaged at first glance, so obviously no car accident. Now I was truly intrigued, for lack of a better word, about what the heck had happened. Didn't have to wait long for my answer. I had barely parked the car in our driveway when my (German) elderly neighbour came running and calling my name. She handed over my husband's car key and explained that her husband had parked the car in our driveway for us. I got a bit confused, but didn't have to wait long for an explanation.
Seems that while I was away, AH returned but didn't quite make it all the way back home. For whatever reason he "parked" his car on the street down a little ways from our house, and passed out in the driver's seat. Another neighbour noticed him while walking his dog and became concerned that AH had passed out from the heat - heat stroke. The engine was turned off, but the car was blocking the road. So the guy tried to wake up my husband but couldn't. Other neighbours came out to help, and one called the paramedics.
The paramedics also had trouble waking up my husband. I suppose they suspected but couldn't know for sure if he was just passed out from alcohol or if it was something else. So they got him on a stretcher and took him to the hospital, while the neighbour very kindly moved the car.
So now I had the whole story of what had happened while I was out enjoying a peaceful and relaxing Sunday evening. I'm very glad that I wasn't there and that the neighbours didn't have my cell phone number, since it meant that AH was basically on his own and I couldn't have enabled even if I'd wanted to.
I took my time chatting with the neighbour, and very bluntly explained that my husband was going soon to inpatient rehab for alcoholism. I apologised for all the trouble and thanked her and her husband for getting involved, calling the paramedics, and parking the car. She insisted that I have nothing to apologise for, that she has known a few alcoholics and that it is much more widespread than many think. She was very sympathetic, and I actually felt quite good for having such a blunt and honest talk with her. I know that it will now become general knowledge all through the neighbourhood but frankly that doesn't bother me. As she said, I have nothing to be sorry about since I'm not the one drinking and causing any trouble. And she already knew that there was some sort of alcohol problem since I had told her husband that the reason the dogs had been allowed to bark for so long in the yard was because AH had passed out after drinking too much vodka.
After our chat, I called AH and asked him what's going on. He said that we both will have to meet with the doctor and that I would have to sign something to bring him home. He really didn't want to spend the night there. I didn't commit to bringing him home, but said that I would be there in about half an hour. And then I took my time putting together a few things I figured he would need for an overnight stay - a fresh t-shirt and jogging pants, slippers, and clean underwear. I've been through this routine before (with my Mom), and figured that he was going to at least stay one night for observation if German hospitals are anything like what I've already dealt with. They'd likely already slipped him a sleeping tablet or something like that. So I assumed that he wouldn't be coming home, but I at least wanted to make the token effort.
So I drove to the hospital to find out that my husband was fast asleep. The nurse was a little apprehensive at first but I quickly reassured her that I wasn't about to wake him and that I totally agreed to leave him overnight. He'd already been admitted and was in a regular hospital room, but his paperwork hadn't been completed yet. So I signed a whole bunch of forms as is usual with hospital admittance, and then had a little chat with the duty nurse. Turns out that this hospital does medically supervised alcohol detox. I explained that I was very unhappy that the family doctor had not ordered proper hospital detox before the inpatient rehab, and the nurse also wondered at the decision since it apparently is standard practice. We still have no official start date for the rehab.
The nurse suggested that tomorrow I bring along all the paperwork dealing with the rehab so that we could meet with a doctor to speak about adding a proper detox before rehab. I think it is a great idea even though I already know that AH won't be happy about it. But I am going to take advantage of this opportunity which he has himself created. He cannot blame me for landing in the hospital. Well, he can try, but I'm certainly not feeling any guilt at all.
So now I'm back home, having a nice cuppa with the back door open to enjoy the cool night air. It is very peaceful, with only the doggie snores breaking the silence. Meanwhile AH is asleep in his hospital bed, and will likely be unpleasantly surprised to find himself there in the morning when he wakes up.
Tomorrow will be a very interesting day.
Member
Join Date: May 2012
Posts: 585
Hypatia, I admire your strength and calm. Enjoy the quiet evening as best you can & cuddle up with those cute pups. I don't have much strength to spare at the moment, but I'm sending all I can muster your way. I hope that this is the wake-up call that he needs to truly commit, and I hope that you can find the peace & serenity & strength you need for tomorrow. 
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Thanks for the strength, Cecilia, but I'm going to double it and send it right back to you. Except for being a little grumpy from being woken up just now by AH, I'm not all that upset at the moment.
I suppose I should explain but I'll keep it brief for a change.
My Mom became bipolar when I was 4 years old. Dad couldn't handle it and divorced her when I was 16. I became my mother's legal next-of-kin at age 18. Then my brother also went bipolar. So I've got about 30 years of experience now in dealing with hospitals and doctors and nurses and all that stuff. After a while, with lots of repetition, you no longer get all emotional about this sort of stuff. Instead, it is more like a feeling of "aw, geez, again?"
I just never expected to have to go through it with my husband. But now that he's in a hospital setting, it doesn't really matter all that much what got him there. The hospital red tape and procedures and stuff are pretty much the same. The good thing is that I'm not dealing with a locked psych ward and the extra restrictions you get with that.
So... after about 2.5 hours of sleep the phone rang and it was AH begging me to come and get him. Unfortunately for him, I've heard that song and dance many times before and have a stock answer: there are certain procedures that hospitals must follow, and I cannot just come and take you away, especially not at 5:30 in the morning. So he whimpered some more, and I told him that I need another two hours of sleep at least and I'll be there at 9:30am. Then I said that we'd sit down with a doctor at the hospital and figure out what comes next. He wasn't happy, but I wasn't negotiating.
I am now in my "next of kin" mode, and he's never seen me like this. He's in for a big surprise because when I become a patient advocate, I don't always automatically take the patient's side or point of view. Sometimes it means agreeing with the doctor and taking a hard line with the patient for what is best for the patient.
This may sound a bit weird, but finally I am in my comfort zone and know how to handle the situation. Just need a bit more sleep to take the edge off my grumpiness. Getting close to 50 now and can't pull off all nighters like I used to.
I suppose I should explain but I'll keep it brief for a change.
My Mom became bipolar when I was 4 years old. Dad couldn't handle it and divorced her when I was 16. I became my mother's legal next-of-kin at age 18. Then my brother also went bipolar. So I've got about 30 years of experience now in dealing with hospitals and doctors and nurses and all that stuff. After a while, with lots of repetition, you no longer get all emotional about this sort of stuff. Instead, it is more like a feeling of "aw, geez, again?"
I just never expected to have to go through it with my husband. But now that he's in a hospital setting, it doesn't really matter all that much what got him there. The hospital red tape and procedures and stuff are pretty much the same. The good thing is that I'm not dealing with a locked psych ward and the extra restrictions you get with that.
So... after about 2.5 hours of sleep the phone rang and it was AH begging me to come and get him. Unfortunately for him, I've heard that song and dance many times before and have a stock answer: there are certain procedures that hospitals must follow, and I cannot just come and take you away, especially not at 5:30 in the morning. So he whimpered some more, and I told him that I need another two hours of sleep at least and I'll be there at 9:30am. Then I said that we'd sit down with a doctor at the hospital and figure out what comes next. He wasn't happy, but I wasn't negotiating.
I am now in my "next of kin" mode, and he's never seen me like this. He's in for a big surprise because when I become a patient advocate, I don't always automatically take the patient's side or point of view. Sometimes it means agreeing with the doctor and taking a hard line with the patient for what is best for the patient.
This may sound a bit weird, but finally I am in my comfort zone and know how to handle the situation. Just need a bit more sleep to take the edge off my grumpiness. Getting close to 50 now and can't pull off all nighters like I used to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
This heat is killing me. Last time I looked, it was over 95F outside. Thank goodness I insisted on air conditioning in my car. AH's car doesn't have it and many Germans tried to talk me out of it. I finally got them to stop bugging me about the "needless expenditure" by saying it was for the dogs. Today, however, it is definitely for me!
So it looks as though the hospital doctor has decided that there's no time like the present and has started AH on a regular hospital detox. AH is getting meds to help with withdrawal symptoms and some vitamin supplements. And they've put him on a special diet with extra calories which is making the guy in the other bed a bit jealous since he's diabetic and supposed to lose weight and gets smaller portions. Doesn't help that AH has little appetite at the moment. But he did have a few bites of everything at lunch and finished off the dessert so that'll do for a start.
We didn't have a chance to speak with the main doctor today, but he will come around tomorrow at about 11am so we'll talk to him then. It isn't urgent since they've already started the detox and AH has resigned himself to staying in the hospital for at least a few more days. He gave me a long list of things he wants me to bring him later tonight which indicates to me that he is keeping his word of "following orders". And of course the anti-anxiety meds help, too.
Either tonight or tomorrow I will try to get a chance to speak with the nurse alone again and get a list of the meds they are giving my husband. From my reading, several which are typically used for detox are already familiar to me and I'm curious to see how they intersect with psych treatment. But I don't want my husband to get all upset and confused with an overload of med info. He's a complete newbie to hospitals. Until now he's never stayed overnight in one, not even at birth since he was a home birth. His only experience is as a visitor for a few hours which didn't really prepare him for being a patient.
He seems to be settling in better than I expected. Not once during the 3 hours that I was there did he ask me to take him home. And a nurse said that the hospital social worker will be coming by to talk about rehab options. To me that means that they might speed up the process a bit and send him to rehab as soon as detox is done. After all, the funding is already approved and in place. We're just waiting for a spot. And from my experience I know that hospital patients often get preference for rehab spots over people waiting at home. That's assuming the German systems works the same way. But so far I am feeling quite comfortable with the staff and don't see many differences.
Most of the reason for his cowed attitude is the shock of waking up in a hospital bed and having absolutely no memory of how he got there. His last memory is of yesterday when he drove off at around 6:30pm. After that, everything is a complete blackout until morning. He doesn't remember the neighbours, the paramedics, the ambulance ride, emergency, - nothing at all. He's asked me several times to describe what happened and each time he just shakes his head in total disbelief and yet he has to believe it since he's in the hospital.
What makes it all more poignant is that he always used to tell me after every group session that compared to everyone else he was just a little mouse. That he wasn't like those other people who ended up in emergency. Well, the look on his face when I reminded him of those words, and his reaction when I congratulated him on graduating from being a little mouse to one of the rat pack was priceless. It left him completely flabbergasted and unable to speak for a long while. I doubt he got the full connotation of "Rat Pack" but it didn't matter since the effect was huge even without the Hollywood reference.
I am not feeling any stress at all right now. AH is being well looked after by the staff, the nurses are friendly, the hospital environment is quite good with high standards from what I can see, and AH is following orders and not causing any trouble. His main request is that I come and visit and not just leave him there on his own. Well, I know that hospital patients who have active family members tend to get better treatment so this is something which I have always done with hospitalised family members back home. But I also know my limits and have told AH that I won't be back until after he's had his dinner and it is a little cooler.
Which reminds me.... will the woman here on SR who has magical power over the weather please do something about this heatwave?
So it looks as though the hospital doctor has decided that there's no time like the present and has started AH on a regular hospital detox. AH is getting meds to help with withdrawal symptoms and some vitamin supplements. And they've put him on a special diet with extra calories which is making the guy in the other bed a bit jealous since he's diabetic and supposed to lose weight and gets smaller portions. Doesn't help that AH has little appetite at the moment. But he did have a few bites of everything at lunch and finished off the dessert so that'll do for a start.
We didn't have a chance to speak with the main doctor today, but he will come around tomorrow at about 11am so we'll talk to him then. It isn't urgent since they've already started the detox and AH has resigned himself to staying in the hospital for at least a few more days. He gave me a long list of things he wants me to bring him later tonight which indicates to me that he is keeping his word of "following orders". And of course the anti-anxiety meds help, too.
Either tonight or tomorrow I will try to get a chance to speak with the nurse alone again and get a list of the meds they are giving my husband. From my reading, several which are typically used for detox are already familiar to me and I'm curious to see how they intersect with psych treatment. But I don't want my husband to get all upset and confused with an overload of med info. He's a complete newbie to hospitals. Until now he's never stayed overnight in one, not even at birth since he was a home birth. His only experience is as a visitor for a few hours which didn't really prepare him for being a patient.
He seems to be settling in better than I expected. Not once during the 3 hours that I was there did he ask me to take him home. And a nurse said that the hospital social worker will be coming by to talk about rehab options. To me that means that they might speed up the process a bit and send him to rehab as soon as detox is done. After all, the funding is already approved and in place. We're just waiting for a spot. And from my experience I know that hospital patients often get preference for rehab spots over people waiting at home. That's assuming the German systems works the same way. But so far I am feeling quite comfortable with the staff and don't see many differences.
Most of the reason for his cowed attitude is the shock of waking up in a hospital bed and having absolutely no memory of how he got there. His last memory is of yesterday when he drove off at around 6:30pm. After that, everything is a complete blackout until morning. He doesn't remember the neighbours, the paramedics, the ambulance ride, emergency, - nothing at all. He's asked me several times to describe what happened and each time he just shakes his head in total disbelief and yet he has to believe it since he's in the hospital.
What makes it all more poignant is that he always used to tell me after every group session that compared to everyone else he was just a little mouse. That he wasn't like those other people who ended up in emergency. Well, the look on his face when I reminded him of those words, and his reaction when I congratulated him on graduating from being a little mouse to one of the rat pack was priceless. It left him completely flabbergasted and unable to speak for a long while. I doubt he got the full connotation of "Rat Pack" but it didn't matter since the effect was huge even without the Hollywood reference.
I am not feeling any stress at all right now. AH is being well looked after by the staff, the nurses are friendly, the hospital environment is quite good with high standards from what I can see, and AH is following orders and not causing any trouble. His main request is that I come and visit and not just leave him there on his own. Well, I know that hospital patients who have active family members tend to get better treatment so this is something which I have always done with hospitalised family members back home. But I also know my limits and have told AH that I won't be back until after he's had his dinner and it is a little cooler.
Which reminds me.... will the woman here on SR who has magical power over the weather please do something about this heatwave?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: South Africa
Posts: 1
This is my first post, I wanted to use it to say thank you for sharing your story.
I only found this site yesterday, but I can feel myself drawing strength with every word I read. Today I felt more calm than I've been in a while.
Hopefully soon I will write my own story too, but in the meantime let me add one more voice of support for you (and your dogs)!
I only found this site yesterday, but I can feel myself drawing strength with every word I read. Today I felt more calm than I've been in a while.
Hopefully soon I will write my own story too, but in the meantime let me add one more voice of support for you (and your dogs)!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Hello TheNomad and welcome to the forum! I'm pleased that you have found some strength from what you've read here. These are great people and they've helped me a lot to better understand both my husband and myself. It is a great resource and I hope to some day read more posts from you.
Meanwhile, I have a bone to pick with the woman with those magical weather powers. Yesterday evening we got golf ball sized hail with lots of damage all around the area, and right now I am hearing thunder but there's no cooling rain and it remains hot and sticky. I had chocolate ice cream for dinner and almost tried to crawl into the freezer. All I want is a nice, refreshing summer rain shower. Is that too much to ask?
Anyway, I spent almost all day at the hospital today. The head doctor never showed up and just sent a junior who couldn't really say much of anything except that AH is progressing nicely with his detox. We didn't have an actual appointment so I'll try to catch him again tomorrow.
Today we had a totally different problem. My husband was extremely unhappy because for some unknown reason quite a few patients, including my husband, were told that they are no longer allowed to leave their station or ward to go out for a smoke. These are all voluntary patients and it is not a locked ward. There was a small balcony just off the elevator foyer on the same floor where patients and nurses used to go but that was yesterday declared off limits for everyone. When I showed up around 10am the patients were ready to revolt and the nurses seemed to be arguing amongst themselves. So I went into my well-practiced patient advocate mode. And I decided not to bother trying to "act German" and be all subservient to authority. Not my style.
So when a nurse came into my husband's room where we were chatting, I told her that we were about to leave to go downstairs and outside for a smoke. She told me it was forbidden for my husband to leave the station. So very reasonably I asked her where in the station or on the floor is the smoking area. She said there isn't any smoking allowed inside the hospital. So again very reasonably I asked her if they are also doing a nicotine detox for my husband. She got confused, said she would have to check, and scuttled away.
After perhaps 10 minutes she returned and said that no, my husband was only going through alcohol detox and they weren't doing anything about his smoking. So I asked her where is he allowed to smoke since he isn't quitting that right now. And finally she said that he would be allowed to go downstairs and outside the hospital for smoke breaks but he would have to always let a nurse know when he's leaving and when he's back. I informed the nurse that we'd already been doing that yesterday and there was no problem with that since I understand that they are responsible for the patients.
And then she said that a quick 5 minute smoke break would be allowed but that my husband should come right back. I told her she must be joking, and that 5 minutes was not enough. It would take at least 1.5 to 2 minutes just to take the elevator down seven floors... maybe even longer with inbetween stops. Then at least another 2 minutes to return. Then the walk outside is another minute or two. And so we're already well over 5 minutes and nobody has even had the change for a single puff yet which will take at least another 5 minutes. The nurse got very upset with me and asked me why I was being so aggressive and argumentative. And I replied by saying that I'm not aggressive and argumentative, I'm American. That I am used to speaking my mind and that 5 minutes is a ridiculous time limit and completely unrealistic for a smoke break outside when we are on the seventh floor.
So the nurse started saying that if I wasn't going to listen to her then there was no point in discussing this further. And I quickly cut her off and agreed that there was no need for further discussion because the problem had already been solved through her efforts and I thanked her. That now all the smokers on the floor could go outside for a smoke and the nurses would know that it would take at least 15-20 minutes so they shouldn't worry if a patient doesn't return in 5 minutes.
She stood there gaping at me for a while, unable to figure out how to respond. She thought I was being argumentative and then suddenly I had thanked her for fixing the problem and she just couldn't figure me out. Obviously the woman had until now only dealt with Germans who treat nurses and doctors and other authority figures like godlets and hesitate to ever contradict them, even when they're wrong. Suddenly she was facing a totally different culture and attitude.
I smiled at her, and suddenly she very stiffly stuck out her hand for a handshake. Germans do that a lot - shake hands. And so I grabbed her hand and shook it with a firm but not overpowering grip and smiled at her again. She gave me a tentative smile back, but as soon as I let go, she practically ran out the door.
Cultural differences can be so entertaining at times.
My husband went to the nurses' station and told them he was "signing out" as agreed according to the new smoking procedure. Other patients overheard him and several joined us in going down and outside. And so the whole smoking problem for all the patients was suddenly resolved. When we came back, I went with him to the nurses' station to let them know that we'd returned. The nurse I'd originally spoken to was there and she gave me a thumbs up through the glass when she saw us. I returned the friendly gesture and knew that I hadn't created an enemy or caused my husband any future difficulties with the staff.
I also helped arrange for my husband to have internet access with his laptop in his room, got a required letter from the hospital informing AH's Boss that he is hospitalised and won't be going to work (German legal requirement), and we had a short meeting with the social worker who agreed to try and bump up my husband on the rehab waiting list.
Oh, if only all problems could be so easily solved here in Germany. But at least there are a few smoking patients not too far away including my husband who have benefited from good ole American directness and practical problem solving. I'm feeling pretty good about everything tonight.
Except for the weather....
Meanwhile, I have a bone to pick with the woman with those magical weather powers. Yesterday evening we got golf ball sized hail with lots of damage all around the area, and right now I am hearing thunder but there's no cooling rain and it remains hot and sticky. I had chocolate ice cream for dinner and almost tried to crawl into the freezer. All I want is a nice, refreshing summer rain shower. Is that too much to ask?
Anyway, I spent almost all day at the hospital today. The head doctor never showed up and just sent a junior who couldn't really say much of anything except that AH is progressing nicely with his detox. We didn't have an actual appointment so I'll try to catch him again tomorrow.
Today we had a totally different problem. My husband was extremely unhappy because for some unknown reason quite a few patients, including my husband, were told that they are no longer allowed to leave their station or ward to go out for a smoke. These are all voluntary patients and it is not a locked ward. There was a small balcony just off the elevator foyer on the same floor where patients and nurses used to go but that was yesterday declared off limits for everyone. When I showed up around 10am the patients were ready to revolt and the nurses seemed to be arguing amongst themselves. So I went into my well-practiced patient advocate mode. And I decided not to bother trying to "act German" and be all subservient to authority. Not my style.
So when a nurse came into my husband's room where we were chatting, I told her that we were about to leave to go downstairs and outside for a smoke. She told me it was forbidden for my husband to leave the station. So very reasonably I asked her where in the station or on the floor is the smoking area. She said there isn't any smoking allowed inside the hospital. So again very reasonably I asked her if they are also doing a nicotine detox for my husband. She got confused, said she would have to check, and scuttled away.
After perhaps 10 minutes she returned and said that no, my husband was only going through alcohol detox and they weren't doing anything about his smoking. So I asked her where is he allowed to smoke since he isn't quitting that right now. And finally she said that he would be allowed to go downstairs and outside the hospital for smoke breaks but he would have to always let a nurse know when he's leaving and when he's back. I informed the nurse that we'd already been doing that yesterday and there was no problem with that since I understand that they are responsible for the patients.
And then she said that a quick 5 minute smoke break would be allowed but that my husband should come right back. I told her she must be joking, and that 5 minutes was not enough. It would take at least 1.5 to 2 minutes just to take the elevator down seven floors... maybe even longer with inbetween stops. Then at least another 2 minutes to return. Then the walk outside is another minute or two. And so we're already well over 5 minutes and nobody has even had the change for a single puff yet which will take at least another 5 minutes. The nurse got very upset with me and asked me why I was being so aggressive and argumentative. And I replied by saying that I'm not aggressive and argumentative, I'm American. That I am used to speaking my mind and that 5 minutes is a ridiculous time limit and completely unrealistic for a smoke break outside when we are on the seventh floor.
So the nurse started saying that if I wasn't going to listen to her then there was no point in discussing this further. And I quickly cut her off and agreed that there was no need for further discussion because the problem had already been solved through her efforts and I thanked her. That now all the smokers on the floor could go outside for a smoke and the nurses would know that it would take at least 15-20 minutes so they shouldn't worry if a patient doesn't return in 5 minutes.
She stood there gaping at me for a while, unable to figure out how to respond. She thought I was being argumentative and then suddenly I had thanked her for fixing the problem and she just couldn't figure me out. Obviously the woman had until now only dealt with Germans who treat nurses and doctors and other authority figures like godlets and hesitate to ever contradict them, even when they're wrong. Suddenly she was facing a totally different culture and attitude.
I smiled at her, and suddenly she very stiffly stuck out her hand for a handshake. Germans do that a lot - shake hands. And so I grabbed her hand and shook it with a firm but not overpowering grip and smiled at her again. She gave me a tentative smile back, but as soon as I let go, she practically ran out the door.
Cultural differences can be so entertaining at times.
My husband went to the nurses' station and told them he was "signing out" as agreed according to the new smoking procedure. Other patients overheard him and several joined us in going down and outside. And so the whole smoking problem for all the patients was suddenly resolved. When we came back, I went with him to the nurses' station to let them know that we'd returned. The nurse I'd originally spoken to was there and she gave me a thumbs up through the glass when she saw us. I returned the friendly gesture and knew that I hadn't created an enemy or caused my husband any future difficulties with the staff.
I also helped arrange for my husband to have internet access with his laptop in his room, got a required letter from the hospital informing AH's Boss that he is hospitalised and won't be going to work (German legal requirement), and we had a short meeting with the social worker who agreed to try and bump up my husband on the rehab waiting list.
Oh, if only all problems could be so easily solved here in Germany. But at least there are a few smoking patients not too far away including my husband who have benefited from good ole American directness and practical problem solving. I'm feeling pretty good about everything tonight.
Except for the weather....
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
Wel, Hypatia, well done, well done!!!!!! You are quite impressive when you set your mind to getting the result you need! Let's all hope that your AH really commits to going the distance this time.
And no matter what, he's in the hospital and going to rehab, and you will get some substantial and well deserved time to live alone at home without chaos, without quacking, just peace and quiet and probably some barking. What an improvement. I hope you'll be able to relax and begin to sort out what you want to see from your AH's rehab, and how you want to live when he comes home.
BothSidesNow
And no matter what, he's in the hospital and going to rehab, and you will get some substantial and well deserved time to live alone at home without chaos, without quacking, just peace and quiet and probably some barking. What an improvement. I hope you'll be able to relax and begin to sort out what you want to see from your AH's rehab, and how you want to live when he comes home.
BothSidesNow
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Today has been a very bitter-sweet day. I'm still struggling a bit to digest all that's happened. Everything continues to go well with my husband's detox, but I've gotten bad news about my best friend here in Germany.
I woke up with a bad migraine this morning and decided that I would visit AH just once later this afternoon for a few hours. He wasn't at all upset when I spoke with him at lunch time and he told me that my best German friend visited him this morning. He knows that she knows about everything that's happened, so no unpleasant surprises or problems there. She even brought him two chocolate muffins for us to share when I got there. But my husband also warned me that she isn't doing very well.
I spoke with her on the phone before going to the hospital, and we arranged to meet after I came back. She would only tell me that she had some bad news, but wanted to wait and talk to me face to face.
So this afternoon I visited AH at the hospital and he was in good spirits. He had spoken with the head doctor this morning without me and she had promised him that she would also call the rehab center and ask that he be bumped up on the list for immediate admission. I was really pleased that my husband had done that all on his own without any prodding or nagging from me.
Apparently, my friend had also given him something to think about. She's been battling some sort of auto-immune disease which the doctors haven't been able to diagnose. She told AH how completely unfair life is, that she is doing everything she can to be healthy, to eat right, exercise, sleep enough, take care of herself, and yet she's constantly having huge health problems. And here is my husband, basically a healthy guy, who is voluntarily poisoning himself and damaging not only his own health but also being a danger to innocent others and throwing away what could be a great marriage.
AH seemed thoughtful when he was telling me about this, and I could tell that finally he was thinking about someone else instead of being always focused on himself and his own problems/wants/needs. He reminded me before I left to go see her.
When I met my best friend, she was really looking down and sad. It didn't take long for her to tell me that she finally had a diagnosis: lymphoma. Not sure yet if it is benign or malignant, and more tests have been ordered. She's likely going soon to the university hospital further away for extensive tests and treatment. I spent the evening mostly just listening to her talk about wanting to set her life in order for eventual death. And yet we also chatted about other things inbetween, and even shared a few laughs. Turns out that my husband told her all about the smoking problem and said that he was extremely proud of the way I handled it for all the patients.
It was a very intense evening and I am saddened at the contrast between the hope I feel for AH's recovery and her complete loss of hope. She's only 58.
And yet she continues to listen and support me as much as possible. She isn't bitter or angry, just very sad and shocked. We sat together in her kitchen, shared ice cream, and I did my best to give her back some of the strength and support she's given me over the years.
Just as I'm becoming cautiously optimistic at regaining my husband, I might be losing my best friend. Bitter-sweet doesn't really come close to describing my mixed feelings tonight.
I woke up with a bad migraine this morning and decided that I would visit AH just once later this afternoon for a few hours. He wasn't at all upset when I spoke with him at lunch time and he told me that my best German friend visited him this morning. He knows that she knows about everything that's happened, so no unpleasant surprises or problems there. She even brought him two chocolate muffins for us to share when I got there. But my husband also warned me that she isn't doing very well.
I spoke with her on the phone before going to the hospital, and we arranged to meet after I came back. She would only tell me that she had some bad news, but wanted to wait and talk to me face to face.
So this afternoon I visited AH at the hospital and he was in good spirits. He had spoken with the head doctor this morning without me and she had promised him that she would also call the rehab center and ask that he be bumped up on the list for immediate admission. I was really pleased that my husband had done that all on his own without any prodding or nagging from me.
Apparently, my friend had also given him something to think about. She's been battling some sort of auto-immune disease which the doctors haven't been able to diagnose. She told AH how completely unfair life is, that she is doing everything she can to be healthy, to eat right, exercise, sleep enough, take care of herself, and yet she's constantly having huge health problems. And here is my husband, basically a healthy guy, who is voluntarily poisoning himself and damaging not only his own health but also being a danger to innocent others and throwing away what could be a great marriage.
AH seemed thoughtful when he was telling me about this, and I could tell that finally he was thinking about someone else instead of being always focused on himself and his own problems/wants/needs. He reminded me before I left to go see her.
When I met my best friend, she was really looking down and sad. It didn't take long for her to tell me that she finally had a diagnosis: lymphoma. Not sure yet if it is benign or malignant, and more tests have been ordered. She's likely going soon to the university hospital further away for extensive tests and treatment. I spent the evening mostly just listening to her talk about wanting to set her life in order for eventual death. And yet we also chatted about other things inbetween, and even shared a few laughs. Turns out that my husband told her all about the smoking problem and said that he was extremely proud of the way I handled it for all the patients.
It was a very intense evening and I am saddened at the contrast between the hope I feel for AH's recovery and her complete loss of hope. She's only 58.
And yet she continues to listen and support me as much as possible. She isn't bitter or angry, just very sad and shocked. We sat together in her kitchen, shared ice cream, and I did my best to give her back some of the strength and support she's given me over the years.
Just as I'm becoming cautiously optimistic at regaining my husband, I might be losing my best friend. Bitter-sweet doesn't really come close to describing my mixed feelings tonight.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Hypatia,
Interesting way your husband got himself into rehab, and maybe it was enough of a shock to strip away his denial. It was a stroke of good luck that no-one was hurt, but your husband should thank his lucky stars that the police didn't get involved as would have been appropriate were the true circumstances known. He is one lucky mouse.
The next big step is wrestling with the whole concept of not drinking, ever again. That is the hardest part, because even if he can acknowledge that he underestimated his status, that doesn't mean he will simply accept that he is an alcoholic, and that he will never be able to drink like a "normal" person. I admitted myself into rehab without duress nor in response to consequences, but in retrospect I didn't fully accept I was an alcoholic until I was several months sober. For someone who has drank so much for so long, the idea of never again drinking is a bit like being told a very significant part of ones self is dying.
Above all else, especially since you have two loved ones with serious medical issues, remember to take care of yourself. You will be of no use to anyone if you don't take care of you.
Good luck,
Eddie
Interesting way your husband got himself into rehab, and maybe it was enough of a shock to strip away his denial. It was a stroke of good luck that no-one was hurt, but your husband should thank his lucky stars that the police didn't get involved as would have been appropriate were the true circumstances known. He is one lucky mouse.
The next big step is wrestling with the whole concept of not drinking, ever again. That is the hardest part, because even if he can acknowledge that he underestimated his status, that doesn't mean he will simply accept that he is an alcoholic, and that he will never be able to drink like a "normal" person. I admitted myself into rehab without duress nor in response to consequences, but in retrospect I didn't fully accept I was an alcoholic until I was several months sober. For someone who has drank so much for so long, the idea of never again drinking is a bit like being told a very significant part of ones self is dying.
Above all else, especially since you have two loved ones with serious medical issues, remember to take care of yourself. You will be of no use to anyone if you don't take care of you.
Good luck,
Eddie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Yes, my husband is extremely lucky that no police were called. I spoke again with my neighbour yesterday evening, and she told me that the group consensus of the neighbours is that my husband had a bit to drink and combined with the heat it led to the breakdown. The other neighbours are a bit surprised that he's been kept in hospital for so long, but she told me that it is nobody else's business what the exact reason is, and that people don't need to be told that my husband is an actual alcoholic. So even the neighbourhood gossip isn't as bad as I thought it might be. People are willing to believe a "better case" scenario and the few people who know the whole truth seem to have decided to let it stay that way.
As I mentioned before, Germany has a very strong and widespread drinking culture so it is easier to believe such a story here than perhaps in other places. The horrible heat wave we've been having has also been to our advantage.
The social worker at the hospital was also surprised that there had not been any police involvement. I think that because we live in such a small village out in the country, people are perhaps less quick to call the police. Plus it didn't seem like an accident to the folks involved, but only a medical emergency. Police don't automatically come when an ambulance is called. It also helps that I have always communicated openly and honestly with the neighbours about the ongoing dog barking problem, and we've always found a solution or compromise between ourselves without involving any outside authorities.
For example, there is an old German tradition which used to even be the law here, that between 1pm and 3pm it was "quiet time" and no loud noise was allowed. No lawn mowing or hammering or even music or children playing outside and being loud. It is no longer a law, but these same elderly neighbours came over shortly after we moved in and asked me very nicely if I could refrain from playing with my dogs or training them outside because they always take a nap after lunch. I wasn't very happy about it, since especially in the winter time that is the best time to be outside with the dogs. But I have complied and keep the dogs inside the house, or drive off somewhere else with them during this "quiet time" and the neighbours appreciate my efforts. So with good relations, the neighbours are being friendly and helpful and not causing any problems.
So I thanked her yet again, and she gave me a hug and told me to be strong and hopefully it will all turn out right in the end. She also let me know that while I'm at the hospital, the dogs have remained quiet in their dog crates inside the house. And that was good for me to hear - that at least that problem is somewhat under control at the moment.
Eddie, you are completely on target with the fact that my husband has still not admitted that he is an alcoholic and should never drink again. The social worker asked us if there is alcohol in the house, and my husband would only admit to the non-alcoholic beer and Radler (shandy) which I had allowed. When the counsellor looked at me, I added that I'm pretty sure there are liquor bottles still hidden in the basement. My husband didn't protest or argue, but wouldn't admit to that. The counsellor then told me that I should take everything out of the house, including the alcohol-free beer. My husband protested and the counsellor reminded him that it also contains a bit of alcohol and that we also had to break the ritual of having a beer. AH is very unhappy and not yet willing to accept that even alcohol-free beer is now off limits.
Yesterday, AH asked me to leave the case of alcohol-free beer but I told him it was too late and everything was gone. And that I was going to do a full search of the house today and get rid of anything else I found. He accepted it, but I see that he still hasn't gotten the complete message. I am going to let the professionals at the rehab try to hammer it home to him. Meanwhile I am just going to use AH's own words and say that I am simply following orders.
Two can play that game.
As I mentioned before, Germany has a very strong and widespread drinking culture so it is easier to believe such a story here than perhaps in other places. The horrible heat wave we've been having has also been to our advantage.
The social worker at the hospital was also surprised that there had not been any police involvement. I think that because we live in such a small village out in the country, people are perhaps less quick to call the police. Plus it didn't seem like an accident to the folks involved, but only a medical emergency. Police don't automatically come when an ambulance is called. It also helps that I have always communicated openly and honestly with the neighbours about the ongoing dog barking problem, and we've always found a solution or compromise between ourselves without involving any outside authorities.
For example, there is an old German tradition which used to even be the law here, that between 1pm and 3pm it was "quiet time" and no loud noise was allowed. No lawn mowing or hammering or even music or children playing outside and being loud. It is no longer a law, but these same elderly neighbours came over shortly after we moved in and asked me very nicely if I could refrain from playing with my dogs or training them outside because they always take a nap after lunch. I wasn't very happy about it, since especially in the winter time that is the best time to be outside with the dogs. But I have complied and keep the dogs inside the house, or drive off somewhere else with them during this "quiet time" and the neighbours appreciate my efforts. So with good relations, the neighbours are being friendly and helpful and not causing any problems.
So I thanked her yet again, and she gave me a hug and told me to be strong and hopefully it will all turn out right in the end. She also let me know that while I'm at the hospital, the dogs have remained quiet in their dog crates inside the house. And that was good for me to hear - that at least that problem is somewhat under control at the moment.
Eddie, you are completely on target with the fact that my husband has still not admitted that he is an alcoholic and should never drink again. The social worker asked us if there is alcohol in the house, and my husband would only admit to the non-alcoholic beer and Radler (shandy) which I had allowed. When the counsellor looked at me, I added that I'm pretty sure there are liquor bottles still hidden in the basement. My husband didn't protest or argue, but wouldn't admit to that. The counsellor then told me that I should take everything out of the house, including the alcohol-free beer. My husband protested and the counsellor reminded him that it also contains a bit of alcohol and that we also had to break the ritual of having a beer. AH is very unhappy and not yet willing to accept that even alcohol-free beer is now off limits.
Yesterday, AH asked me to leave the case of alcohol-free beer but I told him it was too late and everything was gone. And that I was going to do a full search of the house today and get rid of anything else I found. He accepted it, but I see that he still hasn't gotten the complete message. I am going to let the professionals at the rehab try to hammer it home to him. Meanwhile I am just going to use AH's own words and say that I am simply following orders.
Two can play that game.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
Hypatia,
I spent quite a bit of time in Germany for my last job, about ten days a month for 18 months so I am familiar with the culture (though not the 1-3 quiet time). I was in a town called Neustadt bei Coburg in northern Bavaria - I loved the area and people, but it was not a good place for an active alcoholic.
I had to smile at the term "actual alcoholic" - this disease is a little like being pregnant, you either are or not, there are no degrees of alcoholism, only degrees of denial. I suppose that is one benefit in AA where we introduce ourselves as "My name is Eddie and I am an alcoholic." Despite totally voluntarily admitting myself into a six week rehab program for an out of pocket kings ransom, I struggled to say that out loud. When that fact truly sinks into your head, and you understand that it is a progressive incurable disease... then it hits you: never again??? Understand that your husband may not cross that bridge in the time that he is in rehab. By the way, how long are the programs your husband is being considered for? The longer, the better, and certainly no less than 30 days - 90 is far better to ride out the initial rough patches.
Please remember to order "Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism" by Robert Milam - it's 7.99 on Amazon. It really helped me to understand what was happening physically and psychologically when I came home from rehab. I think you would benefit as well.
Regardless what happens, your husband can no longer rationalize that he is not "like them." He may not openly admit it, but with a little bit of help this may be the moment of clarity he needs. And regardless, once the "I have a drinking problem" genie is out of the bottle, its not possible to stuff it back in.
Good luck, Hypatia.
I spent quite a bit of time in Germany for my last job, about ten days a month for 18 months so I am familiar with the culture (though not the 1-3 quiet time). I was in a town called Neustadt bei Coburg in northern Bavaria - I loved the area and people, but it was not a good place for an active alcoholic.
I had to smile at the term "actual alcoholic" - this disease is a little like being pregnant, you either are or not, there are no degrees of alcoholism, only degrees of denial. I suppose that is one benefit in AA where we introduce ourselves as "My name is Eddie and I am an alcoholic." Despite totally voluntarily admitting myself into a six week rehab program for an out of pocket kings ransom, I struggled to say that out loud. When that fact truly sinks into your head, and you understand that it is a progressive incurable disease... then it hits you: never again??? Understand that your husband may not cross that bridge in the time that he is in rehab. By the way, how long are the programs your husband is being considered for? The longer, the better, and certainly no less than 30 days - 90 is far better to ride out the initial rough patches.
Please remember to order "Under the Influence: A Guide to the Myths and Realities of Alcoholism" by Robert Milam - it's 7.99 on Amazon. It really helped me to understand what was happening physically and psychologically when I came home from rehab. I think you would benefit as well.
Regardless what happens, your husband can no longer rationalize that he is not "like them." He may not openly admit it, but with a little bit of help this may be the moment of clarity he needs. And regardless, once the "I have a drinking problem" genie is out of the bottle, its not possible to stuff it back in.
Good luck, Hypatia.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
My husband has been approved for a 15 week long inpatient rehab program. And it can be prolonged if the rehab center thinks more time is needed. Apparently 15 weeks (105 days) is the standard length for a first-time alcohol inpatient rehab in Germany.
Health insurance and "retirement insurance" are mandatory in Germany. AH's hospital detox stay is covered through the health insurance. The "retirement insurance" picks up the cost of the inpatient rehab. The way I understand it, the employer (or his insurance) must pay full salary for the first 6 weeks. Then the "retirement insurance" kicks in for the rest of the treatment period with about 70% of salary. We are only obligated to pay 10 euros per day of inpatient treatment (hospital or rehab doesn't matter), up to a maximum of 450 euros per year. That's about US$550 or thereabouts. So after 45 days, the rest of the days are completely paid by the insurance. We will definitely be getting our money's worth and I am now very very happy that Germany requires that all residents have health and retirement insurance. I cannot imagine how much the hostpital detox plus 105 days in rehab would have cost us if we were paying out of pocket.
I am almost ready to put in my book order. The German version of Amazon has a huge selection of English language books, with delivery times usually being 2-5 business days. In the next day or two, once I know my husband's rehab start date, I will order the books. Perhaps I'll even post a list just before ordering so people can make suggestions for other books I might not have heard about.
I have no more doubts in my mind that my husband is an alcoholic and should never drink again. I have absolutely no problem with declaring our house and property alcohol free. But as you say, AH is going to have to come to that realisation on his own. Germany is not a good place for alcoholics, and I cannot follow him around all the time and grab bottles out of his hands. He is going to have to be able to manage living back in the real world and making proper choices all by himself.
Health insurance and "retirement insurance" are mandatory in Germany. AH's hospital detox stay is covered through the health insurance. The "retirement insurance" picks up the cost of the inpatient rehab. The way I understand it, the employer (or his insurance) must pay full salary for the first 6 weeks. Then the "retirement insurance" kicks in for the rest of the treatment period with about 70% of salary. We are only obligated to pay 10 euros per day of inpatient treatment (hospital or rehab doesn't matter), up to a maximum of 450 euros per year. That's about US$550 or thereabouts. So after 45 days, the rest of the days are completely paid by the insurance. We will definitely be getting our money's worth and I am now very very happy that Germany requires that all residents have health and retirement insurance. I cannot imagine how much the hostpital detox plus 105 days in rehab would have cost us if we were paying out of pocket.
I am almost ready to put in my book order. The German version of Amazon has a huge selection of English language books, with delivery times usually being 2-5 business days. In the next day or two, once I know my husband's rehab start date, I will order the books. Perhaps I'll even post a list just before ordering so people can make suggestions for other books I might not have heard about.
I have no more doubts in my mind that my husband is an alcoholic and should never drink again. I have absolutely no problem with declaring our house and property alcohol free. But as you say, AH is going to have to come to that realisation on his own. Germany is not a good place for alcoholics, and I cannot follow him around all the time and grab bottles out of his hands. He is going to have to be able to manage living back in the real world and making proper choices all by himself.
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