I'm all thought, no action
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Right now my AH is sitting down with a counsellor for his first one-to-one session. He was very scared and anxious when he left the house but I'm feeling pretty confident that he will actually show up. The meeting was set to start 2 minutes ago.
I feel like I've jumped off that "Merry-Go-Round of Denial" only to land in the front seat of an emotional roller coaster. My feelings are all over the place: hope because he is complying and following the orders given by his Boss, happy that he seems to be accepting the need for inpatient treatment, unhappy that the forms AH needs to fill out for rehab are still sitting here totally blank, worried that his general doctor doesn't seem to think that it has progressed to a physical addiction and thus isn't recommending an initial detox before starting a rehab program, frustration and anger that AH is still getting drunk and passing out every night, and so very tired.
I need to figure out a way to better deal with all these emotions. I understand the need to detach, and I have gotten pretty good at outwardly controlling myself so that I don't over-react and provoke him, but inside I'm an emotional basket-case.
I feel like I've jumped off that "Merry-Go-Round of Denial" only to land in the front seat of an emotional roller coaster. My feelings are all over the place: hope because he is complying and following the orders given by his Boss, happy that he seems to be accepting the need for inpatient treatment, unhappy that the forms AH needs to fill out for rehab are still sitting here totally blank, worried that his general doctor doesn't seem to think that it has progressed to a physical addiction and thus isn't recommending an initial detox before starting a rehab program, frustration and anger that AH is still getting drunk and passing out every night, and so very tired.
I need to figure out a way to better deal with all these emotions. I understand the need to detach, and I have gotten pretty good at outwardly controlling myself so that I don't over-react and provoke him, but inside I'm an emotional basket-case.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Thanks for keeping us posted Hypatia!
I think you are doing great.
As far as detox, I believe the rehab center will get him the medical attention he needs if he starts to have physical symptoms from detox. If his medical doctor doesn't prescribe a detox, then there isn't anything you can change.
Keep repeating the Serenity Prayer!
Sending encouragement and ((hugs))
I think you are doing great.
As far as detox, I believe the rehab center will get him the medical attention he needs if he starts to have physical symptoms from detox. If his medical doctor doesn't prescribe a detox, then there isn't anything you can change.
Keep repeating the Serenity Prayer!
Sending encouragement and ((hugs))
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Santa Fe, NM
Posts: 160
Originally Posted by Pelican 
Oh my Beth!I thought her furr baby was smiling in that avatar picture!
Welcome to the SR family Hypatia!
I appreciate your taking the time to share your story with us. I didn't mind reading your novella, as I think you are a good writer. Feel free to pound out your thoughts anytime!
I think you have a good head about you.
Keep reading and posting. We care about you!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by Hypatia
Right now my AH is sitting down with a counsellor for his first one-to-one session.
I need to figure out a way to better deal with all these emotions. .
Alcoholism is a family disease; it affects the family members as much as the alcoholic themselves. You write that he is going to a one-on-one counselor. You also write that you need a better way to deal with the emotions. I found that I needed to see a therapist one-on-one who was able to help me cope. Perhaps you may see the value in doing the same.
I truly wish you well. Please take care of you.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
Ah, I see the "move and get out" folks are starting to appear. I've been warned about that. It may be difficult for some here to fully understand my position. I appreciate the genuine concern and will take all comments in the spirit intended. Rather than getting all defensive or irritated, I'll just say that for now I choose to give my husband and my marriage a chance.
Now go get a nice cup of coffee or tea and settle down, 'cause I feel a major novella coming up.
My husband's appointment on Friday was for 10am. He got home around 1pm and seemed a bit shaken and very thoughtful. As he changed out of street clothes, I half seriously asked him if he'd like a cup of coffee and to my huge surprise he said "yes, please". So after a while we both sat down with coffee cups and had a very long discussion about our situation and our future. The tone was subdued, and very serious. Absolutely no accusations were made at all, and no blaming. No desperate searching for easy ways out. For the first time I think he realised and accepted the gravity of the situation and all that was implied.
One of the first things my husband told me is that I am NOT to blame. That he loves me and the dogs and doesn't want to lose the life we've built together. A good beginning, but words are cheap and I waited to hear what he was going to do about it. (And then we'll see if he actually goes through with it.)
He's really frightened. My husband has no background in psychology and only basic school biology. For him this is going to be a journey into unknown territory and "Here Be Dragons!" Scary stuff.
I have a lot of experience in dealing with people who have various mental health issues, though not addiction. Mania, depression and schizophrenia are what I'm used to working with. As a result, I have a good idea of some of the "dragons" out there. One of the reasons I married a bit later is because I was always leery of getting personally involved with people who already had a lot of baggage. My husband showed me no evidence of any major "structural problems". There is also absolutely no family history of any major medical or psychological or psychiatric problems. Of course there were/are the usual problems which come with advanced age, but I'm not talking about the sorts of things that can often appear after age 70 or 80.
Addiction, however, is something quite new to me. I've never had to deal with that aspect. Boyfriends who drank or used illegal drugs and made me uncomfortable were quickly dropped. If a boyfriend got physical in anger, even if it was just a shove, then that was enough for me to walk away.
But this is not a boyfriend who I've known for a week. Even leaving out the fact that walking away would mean a transatlantic move and all that entails, I still believe that there is a realistic hope of our relationship and marriage surviving this crisis. Due to my background, I have this nagging feeling that the alcoholism has developed from a misguided attempt to self-medicate.
So, my husband is sitting there cradling a cup of coffee in his hands and telling me how scared he is about what is coming. He's now got a schedule of sorts which was all laid out for him. Much of it is being dictated by the way the German laws and health system and our health insurance plan works. My husband has now verbally agreed to inpatient addiction rehab, and the official wheels have already started turning.
The process may seem a bit strange to those not aware of how the system works here. Everything takes a bit longer and has a lot of red tape, but if you follow the instructions step by step then it does work for most. Being of a technical mind, my husband finds it comforting to know what exactly needs to be done, and in what order. Essentially, he's been given a manual to follow and though he's frightened, he also is determined.
The first few official steps have already been taken. His Boss has noticed a problem and given my husband a warning that if nothing is done then his job is in jeopardy. Turns out that this is German law and all employers must give their employees the opportunity to resolve any problems, mental or physical, which interfere with work. The employer is supposed to get a "work doctor" to first ascertain whether this is a permanent disability or something temporary which can be treated. If it is a permanent condition then the employee gets offerred various options of a disability pension with or without part-time work according to the situation. The "work doctor" is considered a neutral party whose primary responsibility is to judge the employee's ability to work both short- and long-term.
The "work doctor" has judged my husband as needing treatment with a strong possibility of being able to return to full-time work afterwards. Because my husband's job involves lots of travel, the doctor has recommended inpatient treatment. As a result, his employer must give my husband up to 6 weeks off with full pay to get treatment. If the treatment goes for longer than 6 weeks, then the employer no longer needs to pay a salary but must keep the job open and available for as long as treatment continues. (unless there is a change in prognosis and no reasonable chance of return.) At 6 weeks, the pension system kicks in and gives approx 70% of salary for the duration of the treatment period. If my husband were to refuse and drop out of treatment then I assume that the employer can fire him with cause and he ends up unemployed and on basic social assistance. But my husband didn't mention any possibility of dropping out and never uttered the word "try". He just matter-of-fact discussed what he has to do.
Our health insurance company requires two one-on-one sessions with an accredited counsellor plus reports from that counsellor, the "work doctor", and the family physician before agreeing to pay for the inpatient treatment. So far everyone is on board and all are recommending the inpatient treatment. Therefore to complete the initial stage, my husband needs one more session with the counsellor, and then all the various forms and reports have to be submitted for final appraisal. The counsellor seemed very optimistic that it would not be refused, and for now I choose to also remain optimistic about that aspect.
My husband also brought home some brochures about possible clinics. He told me that he'd prefer to simply go to the closest one to our house. He asked me several times if I would come and visit him while he was there, and bring the dogs. He said that the counsellor had said that treatment at a clinic could take anywhere from 8 weeks to 4 months, and my husband wondered how I would manage without him. I very matter of factly told him that he's been away from home on business trips for up to 6 or 8 weeks in the past, and since I've done it before then I would be able to do it again. This time he wouldn't be far away on another continent, but close enough that we'd be able to see each other on visiting days. And we'd still be able to stay in touch as usual by telephone and internet.
Besides, I added, he hasn't really been here this past month anyway. I told him that although his body was here, it wasn't much company to have a drunk husband passed out on the easy chair most of the time. He didn't comment, didn't apologise but also didn't try to defend himself. And I didn't feel any need to hammer away at him. My point was made and I could see by his expression that it was a perspective that he hadn't really considered.
What I find a little worrisome is that the appointment for the next counselling session is for September. Apparently there is a lack of accredited professionals in our region and they are very busy. Plus in Europe many folks take vacations in August and half the continent seems to shut down. But right now we're on a bit of a roll and I hate the idea of losing this momentum. Yet at the same time it also will give my husband lots of time to think about his decision and confirm his determination to go through with this plan. So there is both a positive and a negative aspect to this delay. He certainly won't be able to say that he was rushed into it. For now I am following PeliCan's advice and repeating the Serenity Prayer. I just have to accept that I cannot change this timetable.
So, wouldn't you know it, just as I was starting to feel a bit more secure that we're getting a handle on it all, and after all this serious conversation (or perhaps because of it), my husband disappeared into the basement and came back a little wobbly in the knees. I felt like exploding and just yelling at him, but took a moment to shut up and realise that this was actually a very typical response of an addict - to fall back on the bottle. We had talked a lot about therapy and treatment, but he hasn't actually had any treatment yet. So I just went downstairs, quickly found the bottle since he hadn't really made much of an effort to hide it, and emptied it. By the time I got back, my urge to scream at him had passed.
Later in the evening, he found the empty bottle and got upset. He told me that he was going out "to clear his head". After changing into street clothes, he found that I had taken away all the car keys. I've done this before a couple of times, since I refuse to feel responsible for drunk driving and know that he doesn't get physical with me.
It was a bit of a strange conversation. He said he needed to get out by himself to think things over, and I told him that there was no law against drunk walking. We live out in the countryside with lots of paths and hiking trails at our doorstep which we often take with the dogs. There is also a pub nearby within very easy crawling distance. For the first time ever he asked me to drive him to the store. I said no. Also for the first time he asked me to get him a bottle of vodka and I said no. I told him that if he insisted on letting the vodka control him, then he could go to the pub. But sooner or later he was going to have to show me that he could control the vodka.
So he didn't go out. He gave up very quickly, and unexpectedly just went and changed clothes again, and grabbed a bottle of premixed Radler (shandy, 2.1% alc) which I hadn't poured out.
Damn, not allowed to embed a proper link yet, but here is a description of Radler: (take out the space after http)
http ://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shandy#Radler
I was still feeling very angry and so while he was pouting a bit and nursing his Radler, I decided to watch "Rain In My Heart". I have a DVD copy of the program, and had watched part of it last week, but my husband has never seen it. I didn't tell him what it was, nor say that I wanted him to see it. I just hit "play" and sat back while keeping one eye on his reaction. At first he didn't seem to pay any attention. Then he started silently watching for a while. And then finally he asked me what the heck was playing since he couldn't understand half of it because of the British accent. I told him what it was, and he got a bit defensive and wanted to know if I was expecting him to watch it to the end. I responded by saying that no, he didn't have to see it. That I was watching it because I wanted to learn what was in store for me as the wife of an alcoholic who won't stop drinking.
He shut up and watched the show to the very end without any more comments. I have no idea how much of the dialogue he understood, since at times the British accents were quite pronounced. But the images were clear and unmistakable. And every time I glanced over at him, he was leaning forwards with his eyes open and fixated on the TV. Afterwards it was very quiet in the house. When I finally said that I was going to bed, he came with me. Lying in the dark, he held my hand and talked a bit more about his fears of the future and how much he didn't want to lose me.
Saturday was a good day. He had slept fairly well, and had a coffee after waking up, and ate a bit. He stayed relatively sober all day. Perhaps it was the fact that we had a case of Radler in the house and I had decided not to pour it out or make a big deal about it. Perhaps it was the effect of our discussion, or the counselling session, or the documentary. Or maybe the realisation that he can't go on in the same way as he's been doing this past month. Regardless, he didn't go to the pub and didn't insist on getting the car keys back. In fact, it is now Sunday evening and I still have all the keys and he hasn't mentioned them or wanted to go out since Friday night.
One or two days is not long enough for any sort of real trend. Only time can tell if he is appeasing me or being serious about his desire to change. Everyone deserves a chance, however, and this is going to be the first time that my husband will directly face and deal with his "dragons". I don't know if he'll succeed, but I won't walk out before giving him this opportunity to show me.
Now go get a nice cup of coffee or tea and settle down, 'cause I feel a major novella coming up.
My husband's appointment on Friday was for 10am. He got home around 1pm and seemed a bit shaken and very thoughtful. As he changed out of street clothes, I half seriously asked him if he'd like a cup of coffee and to my huge surprise he said "yes, please". So after a while we both sat down with coffee cups and had a very long discussion about our situation and our future. The tone was subdued, and very serious. Absolutely no accusations were made at all, and no blaming. No desperate searching for easy ways out. For the first time I think he realised and accepted the gravity of the situation and all that was implied.
One of the first things my husband told me is that I am NOT to blame. That he loves me and the dogs and doesn't want to lose the life we've built together. A good beginning, but words are cheap and I waited to hear what he was going to do about it. (And then we'll see if he actually goes through with it.)
He's really frightened. My husband has no background in psychology and only basic school biology. For him this is going to be a journey into unknown territory and "Here Be Dragons!" Scary stuff.
I have a lot of experience in dealing with people who have various mental health issues, though not addiction. Mania, depression and schizophrenia are what I'm used to working with. As a result, I have a good idea of some of the "dragons" out there. One of the reasons I married a bit later is because I was always leery of getting personally involved with people who already had a lot of baggage. My husband showed me no evidence of any major "structural problems". There is also absolutely no family history of any major medical or psychological or psychiatric problems. Of course there were/are the usual problems which come with advanced age, but I'm not talking about the sorts of things that can often appear after age 70 or 80.
Addiction, however, is something quite new to me. I've never had to deal with that aspect. Boyfriends who drank or used illegal drugs and made me uncomfortable were quickly dropped. If a boyfriend got physical in anger, even if it was just a shove, then that was enough for me to walk away.
But this is not a boyfriend who I've known for a week. Even leaving out the fact that walking away would mean a transatlantic move and all that entails, I still believe that there is a realistic hope of our relationship and marriage surviving this crisis. Due to my background, I have this nagging feeling that the alcoholism has developed from a misguided attempt to self-medicate.
So, my husband is sitting there cradling a cup of coffee in his hands and telling me how scared he is about what is coming. He's now got a schedule of sorts which was all laid out for him. Much of it is being dictated by the way the German laws and health system and our health insurance plan works. My husband has now verbally agreed to inpatient addiction rehab, and the official wheels have already started turning.
The process may seem a bit strange to those not aware of how the system works here. Everything takes a bit longer and has a lot of red tape, but if you follow the instructions step by step then it does work for most. Being of a technical mind, my husband finds it comforting to know what exactly needs to be done, and in what order. Essentially, he's been given a manual to follow and though he's frightened, he also is determined.
The first few official steps have already been taken. His Boss has noticed a problem and given my husband a warning that if nothing is done then his job is in jeopardy. Turns out that this is German law and all employers must give their employees the opportunity to resolve any problems, mental or physical, which interfere with work. The employer is supposed to get a "work doctor" to first ascertain whether this is a permanent disability or something temporary which can be treated. If it is a permanent condition then the employee gets offerred various options of a disability pension with or without part-time work according to the situation. The "work doctor" is considered a neutral party whose primary responsibility is to judge the employee's ability to work both short- and long-term.
The "work doctor" has judged my husband as needing treatment with a strong possibility of being able to return to full-time work afterwards. Because my husband's job involves lots of travel, the doctor has recommended inpatient treatment. As a result, his employer must give my husband up to 6 weeks off with full pay to get treatment. If the treatment goes for longer than 6 weeks, then the employer no longer needs to pay a salary but must keep the job open and available for as long as treatment continues. (unless there is a change in prognosis and no reasonable chance of return.) At 6 weeks, the pension system kicks in and gives approx 70% of salary for the duration of the treatment period. If my husband were to refuse and drop out of treatment then I assume that the employer can fire him with cause and he ends up unemployed and on basic social assistance. But my husband didn't mention any possibility of dropping out and never uttered the word "try". He just matter-of-fact discussed what he has to do.
Our health insurance company requires two one-on-one sessions with an accredited counsellor plus reports from that counsellor, the "work doctor", and the family physician before agreeing to pay for the inpatient treatment. So far everyone is on board and all are recommending the inpatient treatment. Therefore to complete the initial stage, my husband needs one more session with the counsellor, and then all the various forms and reports have to be submitted for final appraisal. The counsellor seemed very optimistic that it would not be refused, and for now I choose to also remain optimistic about that aspect.
My husband also brought home some brochures about possible clinics. He told me that he'd prefer to simply go to the closest one to our house. He asked me several times if I would come and visit him while he was there, and bring the dogs. He said that the counsellor had said that treatment at a clinic could take anywhere from 8 weeks to 4 months, and my husband wondered how I would manage without him. I very matter of factly told him that he's been away from home on business trips for up to 6 or 8 weeks in the past, and since I've done it before then I would be able to do it again. This time he wouldn't be far away on another continent, but close enough that we'd be able to see each other on visiting days. And we'd still be able to stay in touch as usual by telephone and internet.
Besides, I added, he hasn't really been here this past month anyway. I told him that although his body was here, it wasn't much company to have a drunk husband passed out on the easy chair most of the time. He didn't comment, didn't apologise but also didn't try to defend himself. And I didn't feel any need to hammer away at him. My point was made and I could see by his expression that it was a perspective that he hadn't really considered.
What I find a little worrisome is that the appointment for the next counselling session is for September. Apparently there is a lack of accredited professionals in our region and they are very busy. Plus in Europe many folks take vacations in August and half the continent seems to shut down. But right now we're on a bit of a roll and I hate the idea of losing this momentum. Yet at the same time it also will give my husband lots of time to think about his decision and confirm his determination to go through with this plan. So there is both a positive and a negative aspect to this delay. He certainly won't be able to say that he was rushed into it. For now I am following PeliCan's advice and repeating the Serenity Prayer. I just have to accept that I cannot change this timetable.
So, wouldn't you know it, just as I was starting to feel a bit more secure that we're getting a handle on it all, and after all this serious conversation (or perhaps because of it), my husband disappeared into the basement and came back a little wobbly in the knees. I felt like exploding and just yelling at him, but took a moment to shut up and realise that this was actually a very typical response of an addict - to fall back on the bottle. We had talked a lot about therapy and treatment, but he hasn't actually had any treatment yet. So I just went downstairs, quickly found the bottle since he hadn't really made much of an effort to hide it, and emptied it. By the time I got back, my urge to scream at him had passed.
Later in the evening, he found the empty bottle and got upset. He told me that he was going out "to clear his head". After changing into street clothes, he found that I had taken away all the car keys. I've done this before a couple of times, since I refuse to feel responsible for drunk driving and know that he doesn't get physical with me.
It was a bit of a strange conversation. He said he needed to get out by himself to think things over, and I told him that there was no law against drunk walking. We live out in the countryside with lots of paths and hiking trails at our doorstep which we often take with the dogs. There is also a pub nearby within very easy crawling distance. For the first time ever he asked me to drive him to the store. I said no. Also for the first time he asked me to get him a bottle of vodka and I said no. I told him that if he insisted on letting the vodka control him, then he could go to the pub. But sooner or later he was going to have to show me that he could control the vodka.
So he didn't go out. He gave up very quickly, and unexpectedly just went and changed clothes again, and grabbed a bottle of premixed Radler (shandy, 2.1% alc) which I hadn't poured out.
Damn, not allowed to embed a proper link yet, but here is a description of Radler: (take out the space after http)
http ://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shandy#Radler
I was still feeling very angry and so while he was pouting a bit and nursing his Radler, I decided to watch "Rain In My Heart". I have a DVD copy of the program, and had watched part of it last week, but my husband has never seen it. I didn't tell him what it was, nor say that I wanted him to see it. I just hit "play" and sat back while keeping one eye on his reaction. At first he didn't seem to pay any attention. Then he started silently watching for a while. And then finally he asked me what the heck was playing since he couldn't understand half of it because of the British accent. I told him what it was, and he got a bit defensive and wanted to know if I was expecting him to watch it to the end. I responded by saying that no, he didn't have to see it. That I was watching it because I wanted to learn what was in store for me as the wife of an alcoholic who won't stop drinking.
He shut up and watched the show to the very end without any more comments. I have no idea how much of the dialogue he understood, since at times the British accents were quite pronounced. But the images were clear and unmistakable. And every time I glanced over at him, he was leaning forwards with his eyes open and fixated on the TV. Afterwards it was very quiet in the house. When I finally said that I was going to bed, he came with me. Lying in the dark, he held my hand and talked a bit more about his fears of the future and how much he didn't want to lose me.
Saturday was a good day. He had slept fairly well, and had a coffee after waking up, and ate a bit. He stayed relatively sober all day. Perhaps it was the fact that we had a case of Radler in the house and I had decided not to pour it out or make a big deal about it. Perhaps it was the effect of our discussion, or the counselling session, or the documentary. Or maybe the realisation that he can't go on in the same way as he's been doing this past month. Regardless, he didn't go to the pub and didn't insist on getting the car keys back. In fact, it is now Sunday evening and I still have all the keys and he hasn't mentioned them or wanted to go out since Friday night.
One or two days is not long enough for any sort of real trend. Only time can tell if he is appeasing me or being serious about his desire to change. Everyone deserves a chance, however, and this is going to be the first time that my husband will directly face and deal with his "dragons". I don't know if he'll succeed, but I won't walk out before giving him this opportunity to show me.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Posts: 253
Originally Posted by Hypatia
Ah, I see the "move and get out" folks are starting to appear. I've been warned about that. It may be difficult for some here to fully understand my position. I appreciate the genuine concern and will take all comments in the spirit intended. Rather than getting all defensive or irritated, I'll just say that for now I choose to give my husband and my marriage a chance.
.
.
Those here who would suggest that to you have gone through, and are going through, horrible experiences that you or I cannot begin to imagine. I have a hard time reading all the posts here because their stories break my heart everytime. They are trying to save both of us the inevitable pain that you are feeling now and I have felt for many years.
I truly understand what you are wanting to do because I have already made that decision and am finally living in reasonable peace with the consequences. Please accept a reading recommendation from me; I just finished the following book and it did help me a lot.
Beyond the Influence: Understanding and Defeating Alcoholism by Ketcham, Katherine; Asbury, William F.; Schulstad, Mel; Ciaramicoli, Arthur P. (2009-10-21)
I'm not here much anymore but I've been watching a couple of threads including yours. I have found that the wonderful people here may not agree with someone's decisions but they unconditionally care for our welfare and their words reflect their loving hearts. Sometimes, in the midst of lies and deceit, it is refreshing to know people here will be very, and sometimes brutally, honest. But I will take that loving honesty every day.
Take care of yourself.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hypatia,
Thank you for the update. Again, I am impressed with your writing skills ~ and I felt I was at your table with my hands around a cup of coffee feeling the weight of the situation as it unfolded before everyone at the table.
I can also relate. I sat with my AH (we were going through the divorce process) with iced tea and listened while he shared that he knew he needed help and was ready to find support in fighting his addiction to alcohol. I was able to listen and feel the weight of that acknowledgement being delivered out in the open.
And like you, I didn't try to pick up that weight and carry it for my partner.
I believe in you. I believe you will keep doing the next right thing for you, one day at a time and one moment at a time.
I also understand Anvilhead's post. To me, she points out the value of your one precious life, and she encourages you to remember you are important too!
Keep coming back. We care.
Thank you for the update. Again, I am impressed with your writing skills ~ and I felt I was at your table with my hands around a cup of coffee feeling the weight of the situation as it unfolded before everyone at the table.
I can also relate. I sat with my AH (we were going through the divorce process) with iced tea and listened while he shared that he knew he needed help and was ready to find support in fighting his addiction to alcohol. I was able to listen and feel the weight of that acknowledgement being delivered out in the open.
And like you, I didn't try to pick up that weight and carry it for my partner.
I believe in you. I believe you will keep doing the next right thing for you, one day at a time and one moment at a time.
I also understand Anvilhead's post. To me, she points out the value of your one precious life, and she encourages you to remember you are important too!
Keep coming back. We care.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: rural Germany
Posts: 311
From my lips to God's ears....
My husband called from work and asked me to check the printer and let him know if we need a new ink cartridge. Actually, what he really wanted to know is if I thought we could use a new printer since our old one still connects using a parallel port. He's mentioned before getting a USB/wireless printer which we could easily use with our laptops. I've got nothing against a new one, and told him so.
The guy has rediscovered his sense of humour and timing. It wasn't until I finally asked him why the rush to pick one up today on his way home from work that he gave me the newest developments.
Seems that his Boss was just as unhappy about waiting until September for the next counselling session as I was. So the Boss told my husband to call and put a little pressure on the man to get an earlier appointment. And now it has been moved up to THIS COMING Friday at 10:30am.
So my husband wants to have a day or two to play with the new printer and then do up all the forms using a new online system which means we would need to print them off to have a copy for our own records.
My husband hasn't shown any interest in new toys for quite a while. And he sounded both excited and a little scared on the phone. He wants to get all the paperwork (his, the two doctors, and counsellor) submitted by Friday, or as soon as the counsellor can get his report finished after the Friday meeting.
Suddenly this is moving fast, and I'm not pulling any strings or doing anything at all except sitting back and watching the action.
So far, so good!
My husband called from work and asked me to check the printer and let him know if we need a new ink cartridge. Actually, what he really wanted to know is if I thought we could use a new printer since our old one still connects using a parallel port. He's mentioned before getting a USB/wireless printer which we could easily use with our laptops. I've got nothing against a new one, and told him so.
The guy has rediscovered his sense of humour and timing. It wasn't until I finally asked him why the rush to pick one up today on his way home from work that he gave me the newest developments.
Seems that his Boss was just as unhappy about waiting until September for the next counselling session as I was. So the Boss told my husband to call and put a little pressure on the man to get an earlier appointment. And now it has been moved up to THIS COMING Friday at 10:30am.
So my husband wants to have a day or two to play with the new printer and then do up all the forms using a new online system which means we would need to print them off to have a copy for our own records.
My husband hasn't shown any interest in new toys for quite a while. And he sounded both excited and a little scared on the phone. He wants to get all the paperwork (his, the two doctors, and counsellor) submitted by Friday, or as soon as the counsellor can get his report finished after the Friday meeting.
Suddenly this is moving fast, and I'm not pulling any strings or doing anything at all except sitting back and watching the action.
So far, so good!
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Hypatia,
Your story was moving to me. I was in a similar situation with exah. Unfortunately no boss moved in to do anything about it, although I know a few times when he worked from home-aka got drunk and did a tiny bit of work-that he was on the phone with his boss. At least once I mentioned to him that there was no way his boss could have missed how intoxicated he was, even though it was phone and not face to face contact.
My exah is a high functioning alcoholic that takes his credit score, finances, and the like, very seriously. As long as he can get away with being an alcoholic and a professional, he will. I could not stop it, but his employer could have, so I read your story enviously and am living vicariously through your posts!
Reflecting on what I have just written, it is sad to acknowledge that my desire for him to change his drinking problem wouldn't motivate him, but losing his income would have. Now I wonder if I approached the problems backwards by focusing on the crazy behaviors instead of the bottle, but sometimes his crazy behaviors happened while sober, but that's assuming an alcoholic thinks like a normal person when not drinking.
Your husband has been given a wake-up call and he is a lucky man indeed that his boss stepped in. Lucky for you too! Thank that man profusely!
Now the hard work begins...and from what you write I can see just how scared he is to have to face his alcoholism.
Your story was moving to me. I was in a similar situation with exah. Unfortunately no boss moved in to do anything about it, although I know a few times when he worked from home-aka got drunk and did a tiny bit of work-that he was on the phone with his boss. At least once I mentioned to him that there was no way his boss could have missed how intoxicated he was, even though it was phone and not face to face contact.
My exah is a high functioning alcoholic that takes his credit score, finances, and the like, very seriously. As long as he can get away with being an alcoholic and a professional, he will. I could not stop it, but his employer could have, so I read your story enviously and am living vicariously through your posts!
Reflecting on what I have just written, it is sad to acknowledge that my desire for him to change his drinking problem wouldn't motivate him, but losing his income would have. Now I wonder if I approached the problems backwards by focusing on the crazy behaviors instead of the bottle, but sometimes his crazy behaviors happened while sober, but that's assuming an alcoholic thinks like a normal person when not drinking.
Your husband has been given a wake-up call and he is a lucky man indeed that his boss stepped in. Lucky for you too! Thank that man profusely!
Now the hard work begins...and from what you write I can see just how scared he is to have to face his alcoholism.
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Originally Posted by MadeOfGlass
Hypatia,
Your husband has been given a wake-up call and he is a lucky man indeed that his boss stepped in. Lucky for you too! Thank that man profusely!
Your husband has been given a wake-up call and he is a lucky man indeed that his boss stepped in. Lucky for you too! Thank that man profusely!
Sorry, I'm feeling a bit silly tonight. I do plan to express my thanks appropriately, but not quite yet.
The printer has been installed and works great. We now have a lovely all-in-one wireless HP e-printer. Even better, my husband has already filled out all the forms and printed them out. I had thought that the forms would also be submitted online, but they turn out to just be fancy pdf forms which can be filled out online but then must be printed and handed over the old-fashioned way. He asked me to check them for typos after he finished, and I even found a few. My German is better than I thought.
He is giving every indication of going through with this. And I am already making plans for what I will be doing for myself during the 2-4 months that he'll be in rehab. I am taking note of the advice and suggestions you are giving me. But I'll save that novella for another time.
P.S. I do realise that this could all still fall apart, and I am not blind to the various not-so-great possibilities. But cautious optimism doesn't seem unrealistic at this time.
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I'm sitting here, watching all the Olympic athletes enter the stadium. Meanwhile, my husband came home already staggering about half an hour ago. It was really easy not to get into a huge argument with him since he passed out less than 5 minutes after sitting down in the chair.
He didn't even stay awake long enough to hear my new Mae West impression which I started practicing as soon as I saw him step out of the car and push a mickey down his pants.
"So is that a bottle in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"
So there he is passed out in his easy chair, snoring lightly, as the athletes continue their grand entrance. For a brief few minutes I was extremely angry. Yet before I could be completely engulfed by rage, my sense of humor kicked in and saved me.
So I undid my husband's pants, and found a brand new, unopened mickey of vodka. I poured it out, replaced it, and did up his pants again. He never noticed a thing.
Now I'm wondering if I should just try to undress him completely and leave him sitting there naked. I'd likely manage to do it, seeing how drunk he is at the moment. I could even hide his clothes and pretend no knowledge of when he came home.
Very very tempting. But I probably will just sit here and continue to fantasize while watching the rest of the Olympic opening ceremony.
Guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out how his counselling session went today.
I'm currently a little frustrated, but the anger and rage is completely gone. Visualisation is a wonderful technique.
He didn't even stay awake long enough to hear my new Mae West impression which I started practicing as soon as I saw him step out of the car and push a mickey down his pants.
"So is that a bottle in your pocket or are you happy to see me?"
So there he is passed out in his easy chair, snoring lightly, as the athletes continue their grand entrance. For a brief few minutes I was extremely angry. Yet before I could be completely engulfed by rage, my sense of humor kicked in and saved me.
So I undid my husband's pants, and found a brand new, unopened mickey of vodka. I poured it out, replaced it, and did up his pants again. He never noticed a thing.
Now I'm wondering if I should just try to undress him completely and leave him sitting there naked. I'd likely manage to do it, seeing how drunk he is at the moment. I could even hide his clothes and pretend no knowledge of when he came home.
Very very tempting. But I probably will just sit here and continue to fantasize while watching the rest of the Olympic opening ceremony.
Guess I'll have to wait until tomorrow to find out how his counselling session went today.
I'm currently a little frustrated, but the anger and rage is completely gone. Visualisation is a wonderful technique.
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Last night AH drove home drunk, passed out moments after arriving, then later crawled into bed still fully dressed and with his muddy shoes on. I dealt with the anger (see my post in, decided to sleep on the sofa, but first I took away and hid all the car keys.
This morning he woke me up quite gently and asked that I return the car keys. I told him that I'd think about it, rolled over and went back to sleep. He woke me up once or twice more, the intensity in his voice rising but still quite gentle in his touch, and I just kept repeating that I was thinking about it. Finally I couldn't fall asleep again. Grumpy and groggy I perked myself up with coffee and brownies.
For a few hours there was peace in the house as I watched a bit of TV and read a bit. We had a bad thunder and lightning storm with lots of rain, and even our power went out for about an hour, hence my reading. He kept silently pacing around the house and poked through a few drawers (no slamming), but I ignored him. Then soon after the rain slowed down, again came the demand for car keys, and again I refused.
So AH got dressed, took the spare set of house keys, and left on foot as soon as the rain completely stopped. He's been away for about an hour now. I have no idea where he is, although I assume he's at one of the two pubs within a 2 mile radius of our house. I have no intention of driving around looking for him. He's got his cell phone and wallet so I'm not particularly worried about him at the moment. Actually, I'm more concerned about myself.
Am I holding onto the car keys because I want to prevent injury or death to an innocent person on the road? Or am I being spiteful and vindictive for the muddy bed and just punishing him?
That's what I am trying to figure out at the moment.
This morning he woke me up quite gently and asked that I return the car keys. I told him that I'd think about it, rolled over and went back to sleep. He woke me up once or twice more, the intensity in his voice rising but still quite gentle in his touch, and I just kept repeating that I was thinking about it. Finally I couldn't fall asleep again. Grumpy and groggy I perked myself up with coffee and brownies.
For a few hours there was peace in the house as I watched a bit of TV and read a bit. We had a bad thunder and lightning storm with lots of rain, and even our power went out for about an hour, hence my reading. He kept silently pacing around the house and poked through a few drawers (no slamming), but I ignored him. Then soon after the rain slowed down, again came the demand for car keys, and again I refused.
So AH got dressed, took the spare set of house keys, and left on foot as soon as the rain completely stopped. He's been away for about an hour now. I have no idea where he is, although I assume he's at one of the two pubs within a 2 mile radius of our house. I have no intention of driving around looking for him. He's got his cell phone and wallet so I'm not particularly worried about him at the moment. Actually, I'm more concerned about myself.
Am I holding onto the car keys because I want to prevent injury or death to an innocent person on the road? Or am I being spiteful and vindictive for the muddy bed and just punishing him?
That's what I am trying to figure out at the moment.
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Hypatia, ((((hugs))))
His journey is starting and it will go how it goes. I wish both of you the best of luck with this.
I'm going second what anvil said and point out that this is a good time to start focusing on you. In my experience I found my AW's last stay at rehab was a great starting point for me to work on myself without all the distractions and chaos.
I also found that turning over her drinking and recovery to her was a great help. I simply wasn't capable of controlling her drinking or helping her to get better. She was the only one who could do that. It was at that time that I stopped looking for hidden bottles or empties or other proof of her drinking. All emptieing the bottles did was waste money because she would simply go and buy more. In addition it raised the tension in the house and kept me from focusing on me.
He may or may not get better but only he can make that journey. Another thing that helped me a lot was to pay attention to her actions not her words. Actions don't lie.
As for hope, I had a lot of hope about saving my marriage in the beginning as well. Something I learned in going through this is that hope clouds observation. I had to be brutally honest when looking at what she was saying and doing and how I felt about it. I often caught myself putting a positive spin on what was really unacceptable behavior because I was trying to save my marriage. Here be dragons.
Taking his keys when he is drinking is totally acceptable. I can't control the drinking but I don't have to let her maim and kill the neighbors.
Please don't let this discourage you because there is hope that you can find a place of serenity and sanity again in your life. I know because I have.
Your friend,
His journey is starting and it will go how it goes. I wish both of you the best of luck with this.
I'm going second what anvil said and point out that this is a good time to start focusing on you. In my experience I found my AW's last stay at rehab was a great starting point for me to work on myself without all the distractions and chaos.
I also found that turning over her drinking and recovery to her was a great help. I simply wasn't capable of controlling her drinking or helping her to get better. She was the only one who could do that. It was at that time that I stopped looking for hidden bottles or empties or other proof of her drinking. All emptieing the bottles did was waste money because she would simply go and buy more. In addition it raised the tension in the house and kept me from focusing on me.
He may or may not get better but only he can make that journey. Another thing that helped me a lot was to pay attention to her actions not her words. Actions don't lie.
As for hope, I had a lot of hope about saving my marriage in the beginning as well. Something I learned in going through this is that hope clouds observation. I had to be brutally honest when looking at what she was saying and doing and how I felt about it. I often caught myself putting a positive spin on what was really unacceptable behavior because I was trying to save my marriage. Here be dragons.
Taking his keys when he is drinking is totally acceptable. I can't control the drinking but I don't have to let her maim and kill the neighbors.
Please don't let this discourage you because there is hope that you can find a place of serenity and sanity again in your life. I know because I have.
Your friend,
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
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I'm currently a little frustrated, but the anger and rage is completely gone. Visualisation is a wonderful technique.
I enjoyed it!Hypatia, I feel just like Pelican, with warm tea at the table. Listening.
Let me introduce myself, my name is Beth and I am a grateful recovering alcoholic.
Still working on the other isms in my life.
I was stationed in Wuerzburg when I went to inpatient treatment at Landstuhl.
Amazing how the German (for lack of a better word) system works just like the Army one.
Oh, I have to go now, my daughter is here.
Be back soon.
You are doing well Hypatia.
Beth
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I should have gone ahead and undressed him, leaving him naked in the chair. That way I wouldn't have ended up with mud in my bed.
Oh, well... live and learn. I'll know better next time
Mike, I want to thank you for being so delicate in your pessimism. I hear you, and value your experience. (along with every other poster - THANKS!) I think I also got a bit shocked last night when reading a post from someone whose spouse has been in rehab 7 times. I will be working on a Plan B and perhaps even prepare a Plan C over the next few weeks. I am not going to pin all my hopes on my husband successfully completing a rehab program and us living happily ever after. So I have to get ready for several eventualities including a worst case scenario. As you say, time to be brutally honest with myself.
-----------------------------
AH came home shortly after I last posted. He seemed to be in a great mood and said that he'd just had a few beers at the pub closest to us. Then he sat down and gave me all the details of what a great time he had yesterday evening.
Apparently he ended up going for an off-road drive as a passenger with one of his newest drinking buddies. The guy's Suzuki ended up stuck in some mud hole in the woods and they had to winch it out. Guess that explains all the mud. I had been wondering where it all came from. Mystery solved.
Then he told me about the morning meeting. The counsellor will be handing in all the paperwork, and I believe my husband when he said that he passed over all the other reports during the meeting. I know he was there because during his meeting he called me to confirm a few facts for the counsellor's report. Caller id is a wonderful thing.
I've always been a secret fan of Ronald Reagan: "Trust, but verify."
(And currently I feel like I'm starring in a similar movie with Bonzo.
)
------
I'm glad that I had the chance to read Mike's response before my husband came home. It helped me to convince myself that I wasn't acting out of malice. I might let myself think nasty thoughts, but don't like the idea of actually being nasty. Though I will likely at least take off AH's shoes next time he passes out.
Speak of the devil.... he's passed out in the chair again and has his shoes on. They're clean, but I'm not taking any chances. brb....
bah... couldn't get myself to completely undress him, but I did take off his shoes. OK, now where was I? Oops sorry.... Jack Russell cuddle alert. She's trying to crawl into my lap, right on top of the laptop that is currently there. Geez....
Alright, doggie is settled on the sofa next to me. She must be picking up on my mood.
My optimism has slipped a bit tonight, or maybe I'm really starting to be more honest with myself. Had a long talk with my husband over dinner and at least I understand where he is coming from. He's going to keep drinking right up to the point where he starts the program. I succeeded in not telling him that he's an idiot, and simply asked him if he thought it would make the transition into the program easier or harder. His response was that he'll do what he's told, when he's told. Until that point, it's life as usual.
Aw, heck, this doesn't sound good. I don't think he's made a conscious choice to stop drinking. Looks to me like he's still just going through the motions because his Boss told him that this is what he has to do in order to save his job. Unless he makes a firm commitment to abstain, the next 2-4 months will be an exercise in futility with relapse occurring as soon as he's out and can get his hands on another drink.
At least he is still very determined to go and complete the program. Perhaps the rehab folks will be able to get through to him. I'm not even going to try.
Oh, well... live and learn. I'll know better next time
Mike, I want to thank you for being so delicate in your pessimism. I hear you, and value your experience. (along with every other poster - THANKS!) I think I also got a bit shocked last night when reading a post from someone whose spouse has been in rehab 7 times. I will be working on a Plan B and perhaps even prepare a Plan C over the next few weeks. I am not going to pin all my hopes on my husband successfully completing a rehab program and us living happily ever after. So I have to get ready for several eventualities including a worst case scenario. As you say, time to be brutally honest with myself.
-----------------------------
AH came home shortly after I last posted. He seemed to be in a great mood and said that he'd just had a few beers at the pub closest to us. Then he sat down and gave me all the details of what a great time he had yesterday evening.
Apparently he ended up going for an off-road drive as a passenger with one of his newest drinking buddies. The guy's Suzuki ended up stuck in some mud hole in the woods and they had to winch it out. Guess that explains all the mud. I had been wondering where it all came from. Mystery solved.
Then he told me about the morning meeting. The counsellor will be handing in all the paperwork, and I believe my husband when he said that he passed over all the other reports during the meeting. I know he was there because during his meeting he called me to confirm a few facts for the counsellor's report. Caller id is a wonderful thing.
I've always been a secret fan of Ronald Reagan: "Trust, but verify."
(And currently I feel like I'm starring in a similar movie with Bonzo.
)------
I'm glad that I had the chance to read Mike's response before my husband came home. It helped me to convince myself that I wasn't acting out of malice. I might let myself think nasty thoughts, but don't like the idea of actually being nasty. Though I will likely at least take off AH's shoes next time he passes out.
Speak of the devil.... he's passed out in the chair again and has his shoes on. They're clean, but I'm not taking any chances. brb....
bah... couldn't get myself to completely undress him, but I did take off his shoes. OK, now where was I? Oops sorry.... Jack Russell cuddle alert. She's trying to crawl into my lap, right on top of the laptop that is currently there. Geez....
Alright, doggie is settled on the sofa next to me. She must be picking up on my mood.
My optimism has slipped a bit tonight, or maybe I'm really starting to be more honest with myself. Had a long talk with my husband over dinner and at least I understand where he is coming from. He's going to keep drinking right up to the point where he starts the program. I succeeded in not telling him that he's an idiot, and simply asked him if he thought it would make the transition into the program easier or harder. His response was that he'll do what he's told, when he's told. Until that point, it's life as usual.
Aw, heck, this doesn't sound good. I don't think he's made a conscious choice to stop drinking. Looks to me like he's still just going through the motions because his Boss told him that this is what he has to do in order to save his job. Unless he makes a firm commitment to abstain, the next 2-4 months will be an exercise in futility with relapse occurring as soon as he's out and can get his hands on another drink.
At least he is still very determined to go and complete the program. Perhaps the rehab folks will be able to get through to him. I'm not even going to try.
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At least he is still very determined to go and complete the program. Perhaps the rehab folks will be able to get through to him. I'm not even going to try.
You could work on some boundaries though, what you will and will not support. Have you read anything on boundaries yet? So far, you have been doing some, like taking all the keys when he is drunk.
"i will not allow you to drive drunk with any of our vehicles."
Has he been told what will happen if he drinks again after the rehab? I guess that is where the US Army and his company part ways. In the Army, if I was caught drunk again, I would dishonorably discharged (shameful thing to carry the rest of my life) and I would never receive any benefits (like the 100% disability I have now).
Maybe there are consequences to drinking after being treated for two to four months, and then come back to work.
I stopped drinking August 18 1996 and I did not go to rehab until a bed opened up for me in the middle of February. I know that helped me, I had six months for my brain to clear a little bit, and to get out of my alcoholic stinkin thinkin brain.
If he is ready to do what he is told when he is told, that kind of thinking could help him in rehab. Does he admit he is an alcoholic?
Thank you for sharing
Beth
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He hasn't told me, but I snuck a peek at the official warning letter he got from his Boss. It is all written in German, of course, but basically says that if he doesn't take "appropriate measures" then it will be grounds for instant dismissal with cause.
That's kinda like a dishonerable discharge, since it means his unemployment would be affected and he'd end up getting a lot less money to tide us over during whatever length of time the unemployment would be paid. It would also mean no notice period, and no severance.
I haven't heard him admit outright that he's an alcoholic. The closest that he's admitted is that he abuses alcohol.
It may partially be a German thing, though. In their German literature and pamphlets, all the rehab centers tend to state that they treat alcohol abusers or alcohol addicts rather than alcoholics.
I'm not stressing out over the nuances of German word usage. Got enough problems still with basic German grammar.
That's kinda like a dishonerable discharge, since it means his unemployment would be affected and he'd end up getting a lot less money to tide us over during whatever length of time the unemployment would be paid. It would also mean no notice period, and no severance.
I haven't heard him admit outright that he's an alcoholic. The closest that he's admitted is that he abuses alcohol.
It may partially be a German thing, though. In their German literature and pamphlets, all the rehab centers tend to state that they treat alcohol abusers or alcohol addicts rather than alcoholics.
I'm not stressing out over the nuances of German word usage. Got enough problems still with basic German grammar.
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I am sorry to say I learned no German while I was there. Unless you count: ein bier!
or ausfahrt. LOL
It is interesting that they do not use the word alcoholic. Because alcoholic is a very precise word for alcohol addict.
So, it does sound like this is the last stop for him. If he does not take appropriate measures (get treatment, do not drink) he is screwed. I got it now. I hope he gets it.
Beth
or ausfahrt. LOL
It is interesting that they do not use the word alcoholic. Because alcoholic is a very precise word for alcohol addict.
So, it does sound like this is the last stop for him. If he does not take appropriate measures (get treatment, do not drink) he is screwed. I got it now. I hope he gets it.
Beth
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