transformyself

I spent the day with human beings, my children and some critters.

I came home and did my usual NC dance with AH.

He's drinking again. What a surprise.

I didn't bother commenting on that, but as I was going to bed just now I asked him to put out the two candles burning on the coffee table in the living room.

He got all defensive, right away, said, "I don't fall asleep with candles burning."

I almost tried to interact with him, but walked away. He followed me, letting me know I left a burner on the other day or some **** like that.

I'm still stunned at how ****** up this man is. Still! He didn't have to get hostile. I was going to tell him that i am careful with candles because I ******* fall asleep with them burning and it's dangerous, but he takes EVERYTHING personally. There's no talking to him and I always regret trying.

So why do I keep doing it? And why am I so surprised most of the time when he acts this way?

I was sort of beating myself up for it, thinking I must be in denial, but honestly, I think by contrast he's just so amazingly ****** up that it's never going to be the norm for me. I hope I never get used to his insanity, defensiveness, blameshifting.

I won't be ok until we no longer live together, and I think that's normal and healthy?

JenT1968

I've been living seperately from exAH for just over 3 years now. Not seeing him daily helps enormously, but he's still by turns, interacts like a normal civil person or abusive and crazy. this up and down unpredictability is his pattern.

Occaissionally I am still blindsided by something he does. but mostly I expect and accept unpredictability and abusiveness as his normal, and take the appropriate protective action to keep that as at much arms length as is possible with 2 young kids together:

I don't think it's acceptable behaviour: it isn't, but I feel better when I don't expect him to behave like a rational civil person, so taht I'm then not using precious emotional energy being surprised/hurt/diisappointed.

I found it frankly impossible to maintain any meaningful serenity for extended periods when I was living with it day to day, and having new insults heaped on daily almost constantly: the effort spent "not reacting" to that and removing myself/keeping myself safe/not engaging was very taxing.

you're doing great, hang in there.

TakingCharge999

Yes its a sign of health, if you accepted a life full of stress and drama... THAT would be very unhealthy, even if you appeared "calmer"


Hugs hugs, I am here cheering for you

transformyself

Yep, thank you for reminding me of this.

Adventure

Wow TM, I could’ve written your post almost word for word about my AH’s carry on last night. (By the way does anyone substitute the A in AH for something that isn’t “Alcoholic”? LOL)

I came home, there was dried muck all over the tiles and stairs from his trainers. I calmly and politely asked him would he mind sweeping it up at some stage as it was all over the house. His answer was “I’ve been cleaning my muck up all week, all week, every single day, and you say this to me now” or some utter BS like that. Complete over reaction, and like you total hostility. I also asked myself afterwards why I was surprised at his reaction, but I’m now seeing your point that...

I discovered this morning that after I had gone to bed he went out in MY CAR around midnight to God knows where. Apparently he couldn’t find his keys to his own car – because that would’ve been ok? Even though he was hammered? We live in the middle of the country side (arse end of nowhere) so there is nothing open at that hour. I lost the plot completely when I realised it. As always, it was a total waste of energy, and put me in a very stressed, very angry mood at the start of my day. Thank God for the Serenity Prayer.

As for this....
I feel exactly the same. I had this moment of clarity only in the last week. I really, really need to be gone – just waiting for the right place to become available now.

Finally, I have to say, this rang so true and for some reason made me smile....

lizatola

Doesn't sound like denial to me! I'm the one living in denial, LOL! You sound healthy and sure of yourself, nothing wrong with that!

m1k3

This was brought up in my al-anon meeting this week.

One point that was made by a couple of people is that alcoholics behave the way they do because that is their nature, it's what they do. Scorpions sting, that's their nature. Alcoholics lie, get defensive, live in a reality that is totally different than everyone else's because that's their nature. Many of them continue to behave the same way even after the alcohol is removed. It's just their nature.

I have found it is best to treat them as if they are some kind of poisonous snake. Whenever they feel threatened they will bite.

Your friend,

pixilation

I'm still surprised when a seemingly normal text conversation with stbx turns hostile, and i haven't lived with him for a year! Definitely btdt.

wicked

I realize there is a question mark at the end there, but it makes more sense with a period.
Yes, you will be "triggery" while living with him, you are normal, and with that comes the assumption he is normal too. So, you will be surprised when he can't act normal too.

Yes, it is normal and healthy to be "not serene" when living with abnormal people.

Beth