SuzyMarie

I know this has been addressed on the boards numerous times before but I am feeling sad and angry all over again and I just need some positive reassurance. Back in November I asked my ex to leave our home after 7 years together. His DOC is cocaine, though he drank as well. It was not a healthy relationship from the start (obviously). When we were together he had stretches of not using, the longest being 5 months, and he'd attend AA sporadically. We both made some very poor decisions while together, his, I am almost too embarrassed to say, but I am sure you can imagine, mine being to continuously move the line in the sand and to totally lose sight of the definition of unacceptable behavior. And probably a million more. In a way, he gave me the world and he'd do anything for me, but the price tag was HIGH. I sincerely believed he loved me to the best of his ability. Within weeks of moving out, he told ME he could not be in a relationship and focus on his sobriety, however he had really moved on to someone else. I get it but I don't get it. Within a month or so she moved him in with her and her 2 kids. I know it's not my beeswax, but this woman is in AA and supposedly works a strong program so why would she move in an active addict?? And the entire time he would not leave me alone, begging to come back home, begging me to at least be in a relationship, begging me to at least be his friend. By April she had kicked him out twice and he also went to jail for about a week. Like an ass, I communicated with him after he got out. Got all the hearts and flowers, how he does not love her, he's still in love with me, he felt abandoned, he was trying to replace me, he is going to focus on himself and not be in any relationship, blah blah!! I actually started to buy into his words. I did something I feel very ashamed of, but I will admit...I contacted her and come to find out, he was asking HER to wait for him, not to date other guys, etc. She talked a good game to me. Said life is too short to stay angry over someone else's mess, that we both could find healthy men, advised me of some books to read, said that he needs to not worry about any woman, that she was in a vulnerable position, too when she met him. I stopped talking to him again and I have not heard in about 6 weeks and lo and behold this woman let him move back in! Wouldn't someone in the program know better?? My feelings are very hurt. Obviously, in the back of my mind I still feel he owes it to ME first to get his sh*t together, not some woman who has been around a matter of months. But I also know that no one OWES anything to anyone but them self and I would not go back to the madness anyway! I feel as if I have regressed. I can offer E, S and H to people on here but I feel as if I am not heeding it myself. So of course, I envision that they are so happy together, that SHE understands him in a way I couldn't because she's an addict, too, that he'll finally embrace recovery for HER. UGH!!! I know this is not realistic. I know better, but I cannot control my mind at times. I was up since 3 a.m. thinking about this. In so many ways, I am very content and happy with the peace in my life now, but feeling like whatever we may have had was a complete lie still hurts. How can he forget about me so easily?? I am beating myself up for being upset by this nonsense. This really SUCKS at times.

SuzyMarie

Just to clarify, I don't think she drinks, she supposedly is Miss AA according to him...lol.

m1k3

I just got back from vacation with both of my daughters and their families. Had a great time. About a month before we went on vacation my AW went to visit my one daughter.

While sitting around the pool one my my daughter tells me she had two things to tell me about my AW.

1. She would take me back in a heartbeat. (Ewww.)

2. She is going on a 2 week vacation to Cape Cod with her boyfriend. (Double Ewww.)

What more can you say?

Needless to say we all had a good laugh over that. It is truly amazing how their brains work.

Your friend,

Pelican

And you believe an addict?

MsPINKAcres

^^^I could introduce her to the former Mr. AA my ex ah ~ in 2007 on our 14 wedding anniversary we attended an AA/Al-Anon function ~ everyone like to call as Mr. & Mrs. Recovery ~ My ex was all lovey dovey, all about recovery, blah, blah, blah ~ that nite when we walked in the house, he went to his side of the house to not speak to me for the rest of the evening, passed out from taking a hand full of pills. I woke up the next morning to the pharmacy calling me to verify that I wanted to refill a RX that he had stolen out of my vehicle & tried to get filled (i had it protected)

What people say or see on the outside doesn't necessary become the truth about a person's recovery ~

Breathe in, Breathe out ~ take time to feel the pain, heal & recover ~ your HP has better plans for you!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

Learn2Live

Because it is a sick game to them. The person you were living with for 7 years was not who you thought he was. The relationship YOU were having was not the same relationship HE was having. You cannot know what is going on with someone else, especially when you are IN it. You have your own thoughts and your own feelings, and so does the person you are involved with. The way they think is different. Their motivations in life and in relationships are different.

I know, it makes you sick to your stomach doesn't it? I feel like, what was all that, just a dream??? How can a person be so cruel? Because they are selfish, completely self-centered. Self-will run riot. I do not even RECOGNIZE A&AXBF anymore. He turned on me in a second and became someone else. I am not even sure who that was, or who he is. It is very confusing and heartbreaking and has made me, literally, sick for far too long now.

laurie6781

Okay just to 'clarify' something here.

Many many A's are also CODIES!!!!!! roflmao I am a prime example and why I am a 'double winner' today, lol I was 3 years sober when my AA sponsor in no uncertain terms (I used to say strongly suggested, lol) told me to get my ass to Alanon and get an Alanon sponsor who was preferably also in AA.

Boy was my sponsor correct!!! I have had to send many sponsees to Alanon, as they got into 'relationships' in recovery and starting trying to 'fix' him, lmao

So as already suggested, this is your EX. It is their business. Get on with the business of living your life.

J M H O

Love and hugs,

ps: we have more 'double winners' here on the F&F forums than I think most of y'all realize, roflmao

Pelican

Today, why don't you make a list of all the embarassing, poor decisions he made. No need to publicly post the list, just an exercise to remind you of what living with an addict is really like.

SuzyMarie

Pelican, I do have a list that I made into flash cards...lol. And I do refer to it. And I know he is my ex, I know it is none of my business anymore what he does. I know it is selfish but at times I still want a miracle, I want a happily ever after with him (and believe me, that would mean Divine intervention!) ... I am still definitely grieving and it is difficult at times. I was just looking for outside E S&H to make me feel better today. I swear, some times I think I have PTSD!!

Learn2Live

SuzyMarie, with time the longing will pass, I promise. And one day, you will look back and ask yourself why you wasted so much of your one precious life with this person.

adventride

SuzieMarie,

I posted this back on Nov 1, 2011 and I am still not over it: My boyfriend and I broke up a month ago. I knew from the beginning it was not a healthy relationship, but the hook was so strong. Heart pounding, shaking, the love hunger.....you know the drill. He lied on our first date. He told me he was divorced. The truth is his wife kicked him out because of his drinking and staying out all hours and he hasn't been back for seven years. I had an idea of his drinking problem but tried to pretend it didn't exist. Well, now two years later I am in so much pain it is almost unbearable. I tried make boundaries about two months ago....1. I can no longer be your designated driver 2. I can no longer purchase your case of beer from Wal mart everyday 3. either get divorced or start a legal separation 4. If you cannot honor my boundaries then let me go. His response....your not going to leave me are you? I said I had no plans to leave but if things did not change in anyway I would be forced into making that decision. Two days later I went on a preplanned trip. I was gone three weeks. Everything was beautiful when I came back. A day later I found out he cheated on me while I was gone. When confronted he said he thought he could change for me but he can't. He said he was a piece of $%$@ and didn't deserve me. That i am the only light in his life. That he loves me. He was mad because I left, and this other women was someone he didn't have to know her stuff and she didn't know his. It was easy, friendly...no expectations. Blah, blah, blah. LIES LIES LIES. I know my HP must have something better waiting since I had the courage to set boundaries and not give in to his cheating as punishment (as if him being married and drunk wasn't enough). Its just hard not to talk to him, see him, touch him......... I have been in Alanon in the past I forgot basics. So the problem I am having is accepting my powerlessness and although I want to surrender to GODS will...sometimes it is hard because the FEAR of being alone and unloved is overwhelming! I need and will try little by little to ask for help!

Today I too think I have PTSD. Since I posted the above my ex has gone cross country with the woman he cheated with and he says they are now "together". I have text him nasty messages about once a month and talked to him once when he called responding to one of my nasty text. I think I text to place my anger where it belongs.

Your not alone. It is getting better everyday, but it takes time and it is work. I pray everyday my higher power relieves me of this bondage.

Thanks for your post!

Summerpeach

adventride; my ex ABF would also call other women when we would argue. We once had a huge fight, I asked him to leave my house and the next day, he was here and I checked his cell to see that 30 seconds after he walked out of my house, he called a girl he used to "sleep with"....he did this a few times. Of course I got every reason in the book. He also swore he never went to see her but they only talked! yeah right!
Makes me sick to think I stayed with him after that.

But yeah about this thread, Suzy, there is TONS of inter-dating that goes on in AA.
People who attend AA are deeply sick and disturbed people and even when working a program, are still not balanced people.
When my ex joined AA, I knew we were done. Anyone would think that once their partners joined AA all would be good, but I knew the rep of AA and how many groups are like "single clubs" and yep, my ex started to dress nice and wear cologne to go to meetings.
I left him 2 yrs ago, but I know (cause him and I talked since) that he was dating 4-5 different women at once, all from AA.

This last ex that I've been broken up with for 3 months, well he was with someone new a week after we broke up.
These men cannot be alone. They need anyone to feed their ego's and deep void.

Don't play his game. No matter how much it hurts (and F&CK does it hurt), you cannot allow him to play you like this. He will tell you and anyone else anything they need to hear to keep the "game" alive and well.
This is how addict survive. By lying and living on the low vibrations of life.
It's hard not to buy into it, cause like you, I wanted my dream with my ex of 5 yrs, I wanted and would have done anything to make us "OK", but he was too sick to ever make these sorts of plans.

I so feel for you right now...I know this pain and it sucks so bad

Learn2Live

coke, heroin, pot, meth, e, alcohol, porn, gambling (especially slot machines), violence, etc. You REALLY need to be careful what you do to your brain. I believe that ALL of these things change the brain and there isn't a damn thing a person can do to change it back.

SuzyMarie

Thank you all so much, it has helped me put it back into perspective! Anvil-thanks for being a straight shooter..lol, L2L- I will be so grateful for the day I am at the point of indifference instead of hurt, Summerpeach - I guess it is not something that I thought too deeply about, but yes, it makes so much sense about what you said about people in AA. They are sick, too and that is why they are there. Duh. I made an assumption about this woman that I should not have, that because she's been in the AA program for a long time, she was healthy. And I make assumptions about my ex, too, like just because he does not use everyday, or has not used in a month, that he is recovered and making healthy decisions. And as Anvil pointed out, the fact he was playing 2 women at once shows he is far from recovery. Maybe it's silly, but it actually makes me feel better in a sick way if I know he is making these decisions not being a healthy man. Also, I think part of the reason I feel anything about this woman at all is because I see a lot of MYSELF and it brings forth feelings of anger. And that's about ME, not HER. Gees louise, I have a ways to go but I have to remember Progress Not Perfection!!

Summerpeach

Best way to deal with this, never date or associate with an addict again.
In future, I will run like a nut away from these people. And not that all addicts are bad, but even in recovery, they cannot be trusted. If only 5% of addict truly ever recover, then that % is too small for me to allow any of them in my life.

Your ex is sick. I often wonder how anyone can hook up so fast with someone else when here I am and you are, picking up pieces and not even able to get through a day without crying.
I can't even talk to another man after a break up, let alone get physical with them.
Addicts are SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO detached from their emotions.
It eventually hits them and this is why most of them try to come back.
It's this huge black hole/void they have and they scramble for dear life trying to fill it, how sad!

ugh........you will be ok

BlueSkies1

Some people cannot be alone, it sends them into depression. I acknowledge I am one of those people. I have done a year alone, but I white knuckled it. I know this is an area I need to work on. I bet your bf has that problem--he needs outside validation too much.
That said, I think it is very unhealthy for a mother of two children to be moving men in and out of her house. What kind of example and boundaries is she setting for them? I think she is making very bad decisions by moving your ex into her home, for her children's sake, regardless of what is going on in her mind.
They are both trying to fulfill the need of being desired and companionship. They may feel that initial attraction, but they have no idea whether they are compatible or not, simply jumping into the lake without finding how deep the waters are.
You are not being replaced. He is replacing a need to feel wanted, but that is not the same as replacing you. If you've had other relationships in your life you know that with each one being a unqiue person, nobody truly replaces anybody else in life.
I think anvil was dead on. Your ex will simply fulfill that need to not be alone with anybody.

SuzyMarie

MadeofGlass, Thank you for that. It is not my business what her HP has in store for her. I know this, but combined with the hurt and anger I feel (I think because SHE represents me and I am more angry at MYSELF for my own choices in the past), I feel bad for her kids, too. I know what my own kids went through, albeit, he did not move in with me until 3 years or so into the "relationship", not a month!! But I still exposed them to addiction. So I look at this woman and I get very angry and guilty. Like I said, she is me.

SuzyMarie

Exactly, Anvil.....he'd have to morph into another human being..lol!! Believe me, I see it for what it is, but it helps me to talk it out, to see it in writing. Just working through those lovely childhood issues that have resurfaced. I'm the "victim of a victim". I watched my Mom pick a string of unhealthy men and stay at all costs and I followed what I knew. I am trying like HELL to break this pattern. It is hard work, but I am determined to keep on keeping on. I want to set a better example for my own kids and I have noticed that this late in the game, my choices are giving my Mom some inspiration to make some changes, too.

BlueSkies1

LOL...men are so good at pointing out women's flaw of believing in happily ever after. Well, you weren't raised watching Cinderella either, lucky you. We were programmed as little girls to believe in this carp, Anvil. Somewhere down the line we have to re-program, not an easy thing to do when it is ingrained so early in life. Lots of men KNOW IT too, and take advantage of it. It's a programmed naiviete.

Suzy, stop saying she "is you". She's not you, you're not her, and the only thing you have in common for sure is knowing your ex. Disassociate from thinking that you "relate" to her on some level. She could be a complete wack-job.
You are your own person with your own boundaries, and she may not have any healthy boundaries, who knows!
Being angry at yourself because of the choices you made (I assume knowing that he was an alcoholic and marrying him anyway) is a self-reminder to not ignore your healthy boundaries again.
Take the good out of that self-anger, I think (maybe, if I'm learning anything finally about myself) that that self-anger has a good productive side to it that can be utilized, and therefore, allieviated from its pain by living by our own standards. Hopefully then we stop that voice of self-criticism when we meet our own standards.

SuzyMarie

MoG, thank you for pointing that out...I am very hard on myself and it serves no purpose except to perpetuate feelings of low self worth...a vicious circle!!