BlueSkies1

Yeah, I think that is where the "fake it until you make it" comes in...when motivation lacks to do the right thing at the right time. I too suffer from self-sabotage.

Learn2Live

ROTFLMBO I'm sorry but I had to laugh at this. But I haven't laughed in so long I know, Anvil, you'll afford me this indiscretion. Thank you for the laugh.

SuzyMarie

Anvil, I was gonna point out that you had lady parts, but I thought I'd let you do the honors...LMAO!!!

BlueSkies1

Haha..longtime lurker but new to posting and for some reason I had the gender wrong.
I never said men wouldn't understand, nor do I try to create "convenient" arguments.
Women really do hope for happy ever after, actually, so do a lot of men, when we really don't even know what happily ever entails...something like the illusion of heaven I suppose.
So YOU stand down because I'm all WOMAN! lol

LaTeeDa

As I said in another post the other day, there is no "happily ever after." There's only "happily along the way." Letting go of the fantasies makes room for life, and life really is a grand thing! (See K.H. quote in my sig.......)

L

battlescars

I'm pretty sure my AX fiance was a narcissist as well as being an alcoholic. When he could no longer con me into believing he was this god of a man (on account of I lived with him and hahahahahahaha: wow, definitely NOT a divinity of any sort) he started seeking attention from others who he could fool for a time with his charms. The charm runs out, I don't reflect him back in a positive way anymore, the addiction monsters creep in. And so on and so forth. Repeat. In certain cases it's not that you're replaced per se, it's that their egos need that "fresh start", clean slate. I'm pretty sure that addicts have hyper inflated egos for the most part.

Learn2Live

I was thinking about this thread this afternoon and recalled how relationships to active alcoholics and addicts don't mean the same things as what they mean to the rest of us. While we are busy with our lives and taking care of things, we assume that the person we love or are in love with thinks the same way about the relationship as we do. We interpret what we see as loving behavior on their part to mean they love us as much as we love them, and we assume that they also will be loyal to and responsible toward us the same as we are loyal and responsible toward them. I think most of us have a "normal" idea of how romantic relationships should work. But little do we know that alcoholics and addicts have different ideas about what "husband," "wife," "marriage," "fiance," "engaged," "boyfriend," and "girlfriend" mean. And little do we know that the evidence we see that they love us and therefore would not hurt us, really mean nothing. Because love's got nothing to do with it and they DO hurt us tremendously, despite our inability to understand how they feel and what they think, and our inability to predict the horrible, hurtful, cruel things they will do.

LaTeeDa

See, I think that's where the fantasies do some major harm. We have "happy" for awhile, so we assume that's it. "Happy" lasts from here on out. Finally! We found it! And that thinking turns into denial when "happy" starts to turn. We want it so bad we stick our head in the sand thinking that if we ignore it, it will go away. But, it only gets worse, and our denial only gets stronger.

A healthy person is able to recognize when things are beginning to go in the wrong direction. A healthy person takes action to get things back on track the minute it starts to go off. And then, a healthy person recognizes when it's time to let go. Remembering the good times is healthy. Trying to recreate them is not. Not all relationships last forever, not all relationships are meant to last forever. Thinking they are is what hurts us.

L

Learn2Live

I think you can be healthy but not recognize the signs that something has gone wrong with your partner. Especially if your partner is secretive about it. So many people here have jobs and children to care for and don't have time to watch someone like a hawk. I don't think an individual can get things back on track if the other person does not also try.

I agree about the happiness thing, though. It is such a shame that people will throw away perfectly good relationships and ruin that happiness, all for drink or drug.

LaTeeDa

I think in a healthy relationship, you don't have to "watch someone like a hawk." There are telltale signs like, lack of intimacy (I'm not talking about sex), moodiness, defensiveness, unprovoked anger, insensitivity, etc.

Exactly, and that's when a healthy person knows it's time to let go.

L