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He's sending me flowers

Old 07-12-2012, 09:29 AM
  # 21 (permalink)  
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I can relate to a lot of what you post so I'm not trying to be confrontational - just pointing out the things that jumped out at me and how/why I experienced them.

If you even entertain the idea of baiting him with questions about the flowers you are very much still dancing with him. Distance does not equal detachment. It helps but it isn't the end of it.

You spoke of the vacation where he acted as if things were fine but was harboring unspoken resentments and that it is still bothering you. The thoughts that came to me when I read that were a) that is certainly dysfunctional and unhealthy but might not really be a character trait and b) maybe Liz is still bothered because she is having a hard time with her own current resentments and openly communicating that.

I was QUEEN of harboring resentments and not saying a word about it. I can relate.

I know the 'getting a girlfriend' comment was tongue in cheek but really - I had that thought a lot. That last year I would actually send out desperate wishes that he'd cheat on me or hit me. That is INSANE. I desperately wanted him to do something that would make a decision for me. You are not powerless. Your feelings and thoughts are valid regardless of what he does or does not do. Wishing that he would take an action that would relieve your stress is giving him all your power. I wanted my ah to leave me because that would have relieved me of all responsibility. I would not have to protect my own thoughts and feelings as worthy or valid. I did not know how to do that. I had built a cage around myself by giving up all my power. I could just open the door and walk out at any time though.

As a note - in hindsight I'm not sure the cheating or the abuse would have been the deal breaker I was thinking it would be. Certainly alcoholism, chronically underemployed or unemployed, financial irresponsibility, - all those things would have been considered deal breakers before I was married, yet I was living with them all and more.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:34 AM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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O/T but... I no longer accept commercial flowers from anyone. They're full of pesticides. Little children in Central and South America, who are used for very cheap labor in the floral industry, develop cancer from the application of pesticides, usually Sevin. They suffer tremendously, with no insurance or treatment provided by the floral industry fat cats, and die very young. I use my dollar votes to buy locally grown flowers.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:42 AM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I can relate to a lot of what you post so I'm not trying to be confrontational - just pointing out the things that jumped out at me and how/why I experienced them.

If you even entertain the idea of baiting him with questions about the flowers you are very much still dancing with him. Distance does not equal detachment. It helps but it isn't the end of it.

You spoke of the vacation where he acted as if things were fine but was harboring unspoken resentments and that it is still bothering you. The thoughts that came to me when I read that were a) that is certainly dysfunctional and unhealthy but might not really be a character trait and b) maybe Liz is still bothered because she is having a hard time with her own current resentments and openly communicating that.

I was QUEEN of harboring resentments and not saying a word about it. I can relate.

I know the 'getting a girlfriend' comment was tongue in cheek but really - I had that thought a lot. That last year I would actually send out desperate wishes that he'd cheat on me or hit me. That is INSANE. I desperately wanted him to do something that would make a decision for me. You are not powerless. Your feelings and thoughts are valid regardless of what he does or does not do. Wishing that he would take an action that would relieve your stress is giving him all your power. I wanted my ah to leave me because that would have relieved me of all responsibility. I would not have to protect my own thoughts and feelings as worthy or valid. I did not know how to do that. I had built a cage around myself by giving up all my power. I could just open the door and walk out at any time though.

As a note - in hindsight I'm not sure the cheating or the abuse would have been the deal breaker I was thinking it would be. Certainly alcoholism, chronically underemployed or unemployed, financial irresponsibility, - all those things would have been considered deal breakers before I was married, yet I was living with them all and more.
You are so right. Yes, the girlfriend comment was said tongue in cheek with a bit of humor, LOL. Yes, of course, I'm dealing with my own resentments. It's not that I haven't communicated them, it's that they are looked upon as wrong and as an attack on him and he defends his bad behavior and then makes me realize that expressing my resentments to him is getting me nowhere. I called my sponsor this AM and she told me to just accept the flowers but not say anything else. She said at this point it's about 'my actions', what do they say about ME? If I ask, "Well, what was your motive behind the flowers, then I'm opening up a can of worms that really doesn't need to be opened while I'm away on vacation and probably won't solve anything." Now, if he brings stuff up, then it can be dealt with and it will give me good practice at setting some boundaries and maybe give me a chance to deal with my resentments and anger.
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Old 07-12-2012, 09:49 AM
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I agree talking to him about your resentments won't do anything but make you frustrated.

I like your sponsor
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Old 07-12-2012, 11:16 AM
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Originally Posted by Thumper View Post
I agree talking to him about your resentments won't do anything but make you frustrated.

I like your sponsor
And, I always appreciate your feedback!! Thanks!
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Old 07-12-2012, 11:27 AM
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The last time I got flowers was mother's day 2008. Actually it was the first time that he ever got me flowers for mothers day. When he went out that morning, I had already written it off that he would be "disappearing" for days, or weeks. So he gave me the flowers and continued with his "silent treatment". I threw the flowers away.

They meant nothing. All they really meant was so that he could give himself a pat on the back, and say to himself, ---- "look at what a good husband I am"......



Edited to add------- flowers are now a trigger to me, I haven't gotten any since then, but I know that if I do---- I will feel like it is because they are trying to make themself feel better, and not me.

I think I still need a lot more work !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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