Heartbroke353

I was a young when I had my son. I was only 15. I thought for sure nobody would ever love me, for now I was damaged goods. His dad left me when I was 5 months pregnant. I was lost. I couldn't even get a job. Luckily my parents were wonderful enough to help me through it. My parents just adore children. I was still able to be a kid and a mom. I truely am lucky. I dated a guy shortly. He was always honest with me. I truely trusted him. His parents moved away and that eventually had to end because of distance. My dad became very sick. He had renal failure and was in and out of the hospital. My heart was heavy with worry. My father is a wonderful man. I met my husband around this time. We started dating in August. I was 16. My son was 9 months old. He played with my son and treated me well. My parents liked him. He was shy, crafty, and gentle. He loved animals and babies. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with him. Life was really good. My son and I were happy. Shortly after my 18th birthday I got pregnant. My husband was adament that we marry. We were already engaged at this point. My sweet daughter was born when my son was 3. He was a proud big brother. We relocated to were my parents relocated to. It was a better state with jobs of plenty. Our life was wonderful. Then I turned 21. I did the whole bar thing on occasion for a couple of years. Then things started to change. I would notice that there was always a 24 pack in the fridge every day. My husband is a very thin man. How could he drink so much? My husband got violent one night and pushed me in front of my young brother. He was in high school at the time. That didn't go over well. My brother grabbed him and put him in a submission hold. He yelled at him don't you ever touch my sister like that. The cops were called by a neighbor. He went to jail, restraining order, and all that comes with it. I took the class to void the restaining order. Then things got bad all over again. It didn't take long. he was locking the kids in the room and wouldn't let them out to pee. My daughter peed on her bed because she had no choice. I tried talking to him about it. It turned into a fight. He ended up throwing my daughter's princess desk across the room. My daugher ran to me screaming she wanted to leave. She was scared. I got a restraining order to protect the kids and give him time to help himself. He seemed to be doing better, so we moved back in together. We were a family again. Everything seemed to be alright. We ended up having another child. Our youngest. Life was good again or so I thought. I started finding empty alcohol bottles and beer cans shoved in wierd places. I asked him, and he would say they must have been there when we moved in or it was from so and so during a bar-b-que. I believed him.I loved him and trusted him. Fast forward a bit. He ended up getting fired from his job during december. Thats when he started getting sloppy with his alcohol containers. We were stressed to say the least. he started acting really odd. The level of crazyness was shocking. My oldest and I were the targets of his frustration. I made excuses to my family. i stopped talking to my friends. Time passes and he goes to visit his parents. I thought that maybe they could help him with his problems. I was wrong! He got a dui with our daughter and our youngest in the car. He blew a .183. he could've killed my kids. I drove down there the night his mother called. I brought the kids home with me and left him behind. 5 months later we relocted to be with him. he was on probation so I thought we could have at least 2 years of happiness. I was wrong. He was worse. Now he shakes and vomitts every morning. His mom gives him money for his addiction. I called my brother and he was on the first flight out. I drove to the airport and we left the state. On the drive my oldest son now 13 told me that he was forced to drive him one night because he was too drunk. He told my oldest son that if he told me he would brake his jaw. I had no idea. I knew the verbal stuff was going on. It scares me to think about how he felt. This man raised him as his own. I don't even know who he is anymore. My heart breaks for him, for my kids, and my failed marraige. I love who he was and hate who he has becaome. This wonderful, genlte, loving man threw away everything for a liquid. The vomitting and shaking really scares me. He said it's anxiety but he didn't do that before. I'm at a loss. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there suffering with these emotions of loss.

mmk11

" I don't even know who he is anymore. My heart breaks for him, for my kids, and my failed marraige. I love who he was and hate who he has becaome. This wonderful, genlte, loving man threw away everything for a liquid." "I'm at a loss. I'm sure I'm not the only one out there suffering with these emotions of loss."

I feel your pain so much. My AH is throwing away our marriage too. He turned on me in one minute, one minute! Our relationship was never the same after that instant. His reason to separate changed daily but this one stuck in my head: So he "can golf and see his friends without getting bitched at." to this man I gave and gave, he always wanted more.

Pelican

Welcome to the SR family!

Please make yourself at home by reading and posting as much as needed.

If I may be so bold to offer a tip on your future posting: please consider breaking up your posts with paragraph spacing. (my tired, maturing eyes would greatly appreciate that!)

You and your children deserve to be treated with respect and love.

When I realized my loved one was choosing alcohol (and gambling) over his family, it was a major heartbreak. I went through a grieving period at the loss of what might have been.

One of the things that motivated me when I finally had enough and left with my children was the knowledge that I was modeling an unhealthy relationship to my children.

I did not want my son to treat his future relationship partners the way I was being treated.
I also did not want my daughter to accept the unacceptable behavior I was accepting from her future relationship partners.

I wanted more for myself and my children.

You are a good mom for removing yourself and your children from that toxic environment.

Learn2Live

Me too. All of the above.

Heartbroke353

Pelican I apologize for your eyes. I just started typing and before I realized it it was much longer than I had expected. Also thank you all for comments.

I'm going to check out an alanon meeting tonight. I've never been to one before. I'm a little scared. I don't want anyone to see me cry. I wake up early every morning and cry before anyone gets up. It takes all the will power I have not to cry in front of my family.

I'm still hurting and it's so nice to have a place like SR to bleed my heart out too.

Pelican

Good on you for attending Alanon tonight!

I didn't know what to expect at my first meeting, so I sat quietly and listened. I was given the polite option of saying "pass" if I did not want to share anything with the group. So I said a total of less than 5 words: My name is _____, and later I said "pass".

I said pass because I knew if I opened my mouth I would start crying.

My second meeting, I barely got my name out and I started crying. They understood!

A friend of mine gave me a tip about hiding my tears. (she is a social worker)
She told me that crying is a perfectly normal, healthy human reaction. I should shed my tears as often as needed. She also encouraged me not to hide my crying from my children. She advised that my children would benefit from knowing that adults get sad and cry too. Wise words!

Heartbroke353

It is so helpful. I'm going again tonight.